Gary Stu yawned as he stretched and stood up after a good night's sleep. He began to go into the next room to say good morning to Tom and Goldberry, but before he could merry old Tom Bombadil and Goldberry burst through the door.

Tom's sung-of bright blue jacket and yellow boots were gone, replaced by emerald green versions of the same. The swan feather in his hat was replaced by a shamrock, and Tom's hair had changed from brown to red.

"Aye! G'mornin' laddie!" said Tom Bombadil.

"Y.. you!" stammered Gary Stu. "You're a leprechaun!"

"Aye! Now, Tom O'Bombadil and Goldberry River-daughter will Riverdance!"

Right on cue, Radagast the Brown started fiddling and Mary Sue began playing jig on a flute. Tom and Goldberry started doing the Riverdance, which involved holding their arms to their sides and dancing with only their feet. After watching for minute or so, Gary Stu decided to join in, and started Riverdancing as well.

Suddenly, there was a crack of thunder and a swirl of energy, and Tom... changed. He towered over the mere mortal Gary Stu, just like Gandalf the Gray had. "There can only be one Lord of the Dance," boomed Tom the Green, "and he does not share power!" Tom pointed a shillelagh at Gary Stu, and...

Gary Stu's eyes opened with a start. He was back lying on the floor of the house. Mary Sue and Radagast were already up and Tom stood in the corner of the room, back wearing his original jacket and boots and feather. When Gary Stu decided to close his eyes and get a bit more sleep, he was rewarded with a customized motivational Tom Bombadil song.

"Rise up, Gary Stu, rise, rise!

To fight Engrish we so despise!

Up, up, up, Stu, to the floor, to the floor!

So you can slay the Engrish that you abhor!"

"Is Tom always like this?" asked Mary Stu.

"Yes," said Goldberry with a smile.

"Even when you're..." Mary Sue whispered something in Goldberry's ear, because Mary Sues are always modest.

Goldberry giggled. "Yes."

Tom gathered up a few possessions for the journey and placed them in a sack that he threw over his shoulder. He kissed Goldberry on the cheek. "How I wish I could take the fair Goldberry with me in my sack instead of bread and boots!"

Goldberry kissed Tom goodbye as she heard Gary Stu mumbling something about loving to have her in the sack.

"I'll protect the forest while Tom Bombadil is away," the blonde-haired woman said.

"Make sure naughty Old Man Willow doesn't act up," Tom told his wife.

"What's Old Man Willow?" asked Mary Sue, not having read the book. "Is he, like, an Ent or something?"

Tom nodded. "Yes, he's like an Ent, except that he's not."

Tom and Goldberry exchanged a last farewell, then the Company sat out on their Quest to... well, somewhere.

"Now where?" asked Mary Sue as she unfolded the map. "I like we should go back to Rivendell," she suggested. "We might get to see Legolas..."

"That may be the best decision," Radagast agreed. "The Wise may very have some new information on the Engrish."

"Merry-o! Merry-o! Off to see the Elves we go!" sang Tom Bombadil as the Four began the journey back to Rivendell.

The journey to the Old Forest was long and boring, but the journey back was anything but boring with Tom Bombadil along. The words grating and mind-bending may come to mind, but not boring. By the time the four arrived back at Bree, Radagast was sure Elrond's purpose in choosing Bombadil for this quest was to cause the Engrish to go insane.

"Look!" exclaimed Gary Stu as a hobbit walked out of the city gates of Bree.

"Excuse me," asked the hobbit, "but where are you going to?"

Gary Sue unsheated his sword. "He ended a sentence with a preposition! He's one of them!" Before the poor halfling could protest, he was backed up against the outer walls of Bree with Gary Stu's sword to his neck.

"Oh no, kind sir!" babbled the hobbit. "I'm not one of them! I don't even know who they are!"

Radagast spoke up. "Gary Stu, I do not think..."

Gary Stu ignored him. "Have you ever been to an Engrish meeting?"

"Oh no, sir!" the hobbit managed. "I bet the Tooks were there, that's the sort of thing them Tooks would do. Oh, and the Bucklanders too, with their queer boats and all."

What happened next was hard to sort out. In some order, Mary Sue waylaid Gary Stu with the Great Hammer Bakâ, Tom started singing a merry tune, the wrongfully accused hobbit escaped and took off down the road as fast as his legs would carry him, and Radagast wondered what in Middle-Earth was going on. At any rate, it all ended with Gary Stu regaining consciousness a few hours later.

Tom Bombadil sang a new ode to Gary Stu as the part made their way to Rivendell.

"Gary Stu they say was a violent old chap,

Who loved to pick on a poor hobbit sap.

Got too picky about his grammar;"

Met the end of Mary Sue's hammer."