As the party neared Rivendell, Mary Sue sensed something was wrong. Her mystical Sue powers gave her the ability to vaguely foresee bad things happening. Something... terrible was happening in Rivendell.

"Guys, I have a bad feeling about this," said Mary Sue as the Four approached the Last Homely House..

"What's wrong, Mary Sue?" asked Tom.

"Nothing..." she said at last. "Off to see my Leoglas again!".

As the four walked closer to Rivendell, a feeling of impending doom fell over Mary Sue, Gary Stu, and Radagast as they walked back into Rivendell. (Tom was unaffected, and he kept on singing like he never even noticed.) It felt like the Shadow over the land of Mordor, only worse.

The first Elf the company saw Mary Sue and Gary Stu didn't recognize. He stumbled away from the site where the Council of Elrond met, looking badly wounded..

"Glorfindel!" yelled the wizard as he ran to help the struggling Elf. He caught him as he collapsed. "Glorfindel! What happened?".

"Engrish..." muttered the dazed Elf. "Elrond... Elessar... lost...".

Radagast looked at Mary Sue. "Do you know healing magic?".

Mary Sue nodded, put her hand on Glorfindel's forehead, and began chanting in a tongue called Fake Elvish. "Esse Elendil anga calma Legolas anca Galadriel..."

Radagast shook his head. "You're not Elvish. You must cast the spell in the ancient tongue of your people.".

"But I can't speak the ancient tongue of my people!" protested Mary Sue. "I don't even know what the ancient tongue of my people is!".

"Try Latin!" yelled Gary Stu..

Mary Sue took a deep breath. She put her hands on Glorfindel's chest, moving them around slightly. Ooh, muscles... She moved her hands up to his shoulders, where she started doing the same..

"You're supposed to heal him, not seduce him!" yelled Radagast..

"The spell takes care," said Mary Sue slowly as she ran her hands down the tunic of the second-in-hotness-only-to-Legolas Elf. Just as she began to remove the tunic....

Radagast's staff struck the ground with a crash. A flock of eagles descended from sky and circled above the Brown Istari. "Fool of a Sue! Do not take me for some character in a cheap lemon!".

Mary Sue hung her head in fear, then squeaked out something in Latin. "E Pluribus Unum."

The "spell" did nothing and Glorfindel's breathing began to slow. Now what? The first thought to go through Mary Sue's head was to make sure she died happy, because she was quite certain Radagast was going to kill her..

Then, out of the blue, Tom Bombadil walked over to the traumatized Elf. "Get up, young Elf!" he commanded. "And heed old Ben-adar! Get up Glorfindel, 'fore Sue has thee laid flatter!"

Glorfindel stirred, then immediately stood to his feet. "Iarwain Ben-adar?" he said in disbelief. "What are you doing in Rivendell?".

Radagast faced Glorfindel. "That is not important! What about the Engrish?".

"They've taken the whole Council," said Glorfindel. "Everyone. Elrond, Mithrandir, Elessar, Legolas. Boromir, the Halflings, and the Dwarf, they've all fallen to the Engrish.".

The five raced to the place where the Council of Elrond took place. The gravity of the situation was undermined somewhat, though, by Tom and Gary Stu improvising an ode to Mary Sue..

"Of the virtues of Mary Sue the ancient tales tell,"

"But says I they were written while partaking of ale."

"Far and wide, merry-o, men sing of her p'wer,"

"But don't let her heal you 'less you want a new heir."

At the site of the Council of Elrond stood the same people that were there before. Or at least, they appeared the same. Then Aragorn opened his mouth.

"You'd said you'd give me all your advantages," said the Dúnedain to Arwen.

Elrond grabbed Gandalf's staff and smacked Aragorn upside the head. "You spoony Ranger!"

"There is no real Rangers," pronounced Boromir.

"What in the world are they talking about?" Gary Stu demanded to know.

Radagast the Brown shook his head. "We'll never know. This is what Engrish does."

"Legolas!" cried Mary Sue as she ran up to her lust object. "Are you okay?"

"I'm heir to the throne of Condo!" Legolas declared for no apparent reason.

Boromir turned away from the Elf. "Condo have no king."

Radagast pulled the map from his robes to figure out where Condo might be. He looked first at Gondor, then to his horror something strange happened to the map. The ink that formed the letters "Mirkwood" began moving in a very Potter-esque fashion, forming itself into the word "Condo."

"They've altered canon!" yelled Radagast. "Gandalf!" he called to his fellow Istari, "Where did the Engrish go?"

"There is no Engrand in the middle of the earth," responded Gandalf.

Radagast looked over the map, mainly at Condo, which was Mirkwood before. Could the Engrish have captured Dol Gulder from the Nazgûl? "Is there a Transrator in Dol Gulder?" the wizard asked Gandalf slowly.

"There no more Nymphromancers in Dol Gulder."

"What about the Nazgûl? Are the Ringwraiths still in Dol Gulder?"

"The Ring-raves went to somewhere else," responded Gandalf the Gray.

And so the Four left for Dol Gulder in Mirkwood/Condo to battle the Transrator. Even Bombadil seemed a tiny bit more serious as he composed a song for the moment.

"Tom Bombadil was the heir of none

He had no use for the Ring called One

Three went to Mirkwood and he went 'long

Against the Engrish, to save his song."