A/N: This is the all slash chapter, I couldn't resist. I'm sure it will be vastly entertaining for me, if not you. It will also probably include wildly improbable situations but it's a parody so I don't need to worry about things like plot…or logic.
Draco was walking down the hall at Hogwarts one day, shortly after he got back from his absurdly short Christmas holiday. For some reason his friend, Henry, had completely disappeared from the story so he was feeling a little lonely. He continued walking along and soon he was near Snape's classroom. 'I hope I don't run into that freak, Snape,' he thought.
But he didn't run into Snape, before he could even get all the way to the dreaded classroom his walk was intercepted by Harry Potter. "Oh man," he said, "Potter, what are you doing here?"
"What are you doing here?" asked Harry, raising an eyebrow and leaning forward.
For some reason (a/n: because it's the slash chapter), when Harry said those words, Draco noticed what an incredibly good looking person Harry was, "Wow, you're a total fox!" he said.
"So are you…Draco." GASP!! Harry called Draco by his first name! How incredibly meaningful and beautiful. If anything else could sum up the wonderful beauty and meaningfulness of the situation better than that I have yet to see it.
Draco would have commented on his former enemy's use of his name if he weren't so emotionally damaged by his father, instead he said, "Let's go off to an abandoned classroom and…" becoming uncharacteristically shy, he finished, "…well…you know."
They ran off to a classroom and began to take off each other's clothes rapidly. When they were mostly disengaged from their clothing, Harry said, all of a sudden becoming the shy, naïve one, "But…Draco…I've never done this before!"
"With a guy?"
"With anyone." (A/N: Awww…isn't that adorable, especially seeing as how in the previous chapters Harry was totally coming on to Draco, but now I guess he's all charmingly innocent. I shouldn't act so surprised though, let's all recall that I'm the one writing this.)
"Don't worry, in the past fifteen minutes I've become a really sensitive guy and so I'll be gentle." (A/N: Gaa! I hate that word, gentle).
So Draco and Harry continued to take off each other's clothes for about nineteen minutes and after that they…well, you know (Draco was on top).
A few hours later, after all the excitement had died down, Draco woke up and noticed Harry sleeping next to him. At first he was very happy about this development but then, for reasons less clear than how he got there in the first place, he began to worry about what would happen when Harry woke up. He began to get dressed and was about to put on his shirt when his father burst into the room.
"Draco! What are you doing? And with Harry Potter? Oh the humanity! How could you do this to me? You know Potter is The Dark Lord's greatest enemy!"
"Father, what are you doing at my school?"
"I don't know! Anyway, it's beside the point!" Lucius grabbed his son's elbow and pulled him into another deserted classroom.
When they reached the classroom (Jesus Christ, there are a lot of deserted classrooms to spare) Lucius became very violent with Draco. Draco began to worry that his father would hit his face because that would be just awful, as we all know facial bruises never heal and they're really unattractive (note the sarcasm). Anyway, blah, blah, blah, punch, slap, punch. Soon Lucius had Draco completely naked, on the floor.
Draco, grasping at straws, said, "But, Father, I'm a pure, pure virgin."
"Oh, come on, that's such an obvious lie." Lucius violently inserted himself into Draco and there was a lot of blood and it was very painful (Draco was on the bottom)…skimming ahead…Lucius went home, because apparently he had absolutely no reason to be at Hogwarts whatsoever.
Draco stayed, laying on the floor for fourteen minutes, feeling very used, sad, etc… After the fourteen minutes he got dressed and went off to class.
The class, unfortunately, was Potions. During that day's lessons Snape found himself oddly drawn to a particular blonde student. Luckily (for Snape) Draco happened to spill something during a particularly difficult potion that involved balancing a flask on one's head. "Detention, Malfoy. At midnight tonight, in my office, when everyone is fast asleep and after I've had a lot of time to prepare spells to ensure that know one can see or hear anything that is going on in there."
As Draco was unhappily leaving class, Harry walked up to him and said, "Draco, how could you leave before I woke up? That's just bad manners."
"I had to…I can't explain."
Harry left angrily.
After Harry was out of sight Ron came marching angrily over to Draco, "Just what did you think you were doing, leaving my friend like that and then not telling him why?"
"He told you about that?" Draco was a little bit disturbed by that information. Who else had he told?
"Yes, now let's go to an empty class room so I can tell you exactly how mad I am!"
Draco raised his sexy eyebrows (porn music sets in…now) and they went off to another empty room.
When they got there they took off each other's clothes for seventeen minutes and then they…didn't clean a bathroom, wink wink. (Umm…they took turns being on top).
After that they assured one another that they still hate each other, because otherwise where would poor Harry be? Then they went their separate ways. Draco was about to go back to his room and sleep but then he knew Harry would be there and…let's just say he wouldn't do much sleeping. So, instead, he went to sleep in Crabbe's room.
About an hour later Crabbe found Draco asleep in his bed, he went over and began to undo Draco's buttons. After doing that for a while he kissed Draco, rather fumblingly. This woke Draco up.
"AHHH! Crabbe! What the hell are you doing? Get off!"
"You know you want me!" said Crabbe, getting on top of Draco.
"No, I really think I don't, but…" Draco kissed Crabbe. Fortunately, the only reason he did this was to distract the large teenager so that he could grab his wand. When he had his wand he pointed it at Crabbe, yelling, "Getawayicus!" Crabbe was thrown across the room and Draco made his exit.
When he was in the hall, Draco noticed that it was time for detention. 'Oh man,' he thought, not at all looking forward to it.
Snape was very pleased when Draco arrived in his office. "You finally made it," he said, unable to come any closer to sounding pleased.
"Yes," Draco said.
"Go lie down on that bed that's mysteriously appeared in my office."
Draco, who by this time was incredibly exhausted and knew he had no hope because this was the slash chapter, complied. Snape began to remove Draco's garments, laughing in that creepy way he laughs.
After twenty-three minutes Draco was finally naked. Snape then had lots of fun with the naked teenager (Draco was on the bottom) and sent him back to the dorm.
When Draco got to his room, Harry was lying seductively on the bed. "Harry, I'm really tired."
"Oh come on," said Harry.
"Fine, just a little." They had a total snogfest on Harry's bed (Draco was on top) and then went to sleep.
