Title: How to Have Fun With a Puffskein

Authors: eMu & Dragon's Eye & Chikin

Summary: Clara gets a pet puffskein.

Disclaimers: JK, JK, JK!!

Author's Notes: (Burp)

CHAPTER THE FIRST

"Cheese monkey pattie…ness…I'm hungry."

Remus tilted his head as though that would somehow help him better understand the prone figure below him.

"I think we should poke him with a stick." Clara suggested helpfully.

"Nnn…"

"How long's he been out for?" Clara asked, motioning to Sirius, who was passed out in a pile of vomit.

"I got home…three hours ago. So three hours at least." Remus answered, prodding Sirius with his finger.

"So…when are you gonna call a doctor?" Clara asked.

"What? Why would I call a doctor?" Remus asked.

"Because your boyfriend is passed out in his own vomit and has been for at least three hours? He could die!" She exclaimed.

"Naw, if he was gonna die from this, he would have years ago. All we have to do is keep him on his stomach till he comes to. He'll come out of it soon. In the meantime we should do something to him…James used to turn his hair fun colours and then we'd laugh and poke him and then laugh some more."

"Weren't you the mature one?"

"Yeah. Good times, good times. Got a stick?"

"No. I'm gonna go owl Draco. You're creeping me out. I got it in my head you were all responsible and like my Dad and then you're more like…Siri. You even cook." Clara complained…sort of. The cooking was actually rather useful, as both her and Sirius were utterly incompetent in the kitchen (may the microwave rest in peace).

"Okay. Have fun."

BATTLE OF THE APPLIANCES

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! REMUS!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!"

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!! PUT THE SPATULA DOWN!!"

"Are those normal sounds?" Draco asked Clara.

She flopped onto her bed and listened intently to the yelling and banging of kitchen items going on downstairs.

"Somewhat. Sirius passed out and I assume Remus played some sort of joke on him…only Remus doesn't lie and he screamed he didn't do anything."

"Ah."

"LET GO OF MY ARM!!!"

"LET GO OF THE BLENDER THEN!!"

"We have a blender?" Clara asked, confused.

CRASH!!!

"You had a blender." Draco corrected, motioning out the window. The blender had gone flying out of the kitchen window and into a nearby vernal pool. "They got some distance on that blender."

"Yep."

"Think we should go downstairs and check on them?" Draco asked.

"Eh…I'm sure they won't hurt each other too badly." Clara replied lazily.

"AH!! THE COCKROACHES ARE REGROUPING!!!"

"Okay, now it sounds interesting." Draco said, exiting the room. Clara followed him downstairs to see what was going on.

"We have a poodle? When did that happen!" Clara yelled.

"Poodle…large rats attracted to the scent of spilled blood, same difference!" Sirius called from the counter.

"Clara, would you be a dear and hand me the broom?" Remus asked politely, crouching on the table.

"Sure…you know I'm not big on killing animals or anything, but make those deformed pink rats die and die quickly." Clara instructed.

"How'd they turn pink?" Draco asked.

"Mispronounced spell of explosion. Used it on a death eater once and turned them pink and we had a little laugh at each other and then resumed trying to kill each other. Good times." Sirius said.

"I've heard a version of that story…" Draco muttered, kicking away a few rabid pink rats.

Clara tipped over the fridge and she and Draco used it like a trench whilst battling off rats. Remus whacked them with a broom, and got some good distance on the rats going against the wall. Sirius steered them into the oven and then shut it.

"We could eat them." Sirius said, turning on the oven light and watching them scrabble against the glass.

"We're vegetarians." Clara reminded him.

"Right."

"Have you stooped as low as eating rats again? I can pay your mortgage. Let me pay your mortgage!" Draco pleaded.

"No, we don't need charity." Remus refused.

"Yes you do! When was the last time you had electricity?" Draco asked.

"What is this electricity of which you speak?" Sirius asked.

"…Weren't you saying something about cockroaches before we came down?" Clara asked.

"Oh no, the cockroaches!" Remus shouted. "Get to higher ground!"

A CONVERSATION ON THE ROOFTOP

"Who knew your roof supported that much weight?" Draco asked.

"Yeah…well…yeah."

"Can I call an exterminator yet?" Draco asked.

"We don't need an exterminator." Remus refused. A sibilant sound came from below them.

"Remus, the possums are back! I think they want another sacrifice!" Sirius shouted.

"Send down another shoe." Remus ordered.

"I don't have any shoes left, I used them on the garden gnomes and now my feets are getting cold!" Sirius whined.

"I bet I can take a few of them out." Clara took off her shoe, wound up and nailed one of them on the head.

"You know what we should do, round up our pests and start up a petting zoo! Then we could get money!" Sirius said happily.

"With cockroaches, fried pink rats, possums and gnomes." Remus said flatly.

"But we have a goat…" Sirius added.

"It would never work, you need at least twelve goats for a petting zoo." Clara argued.

"It's just a bad idea! Move on!" Remus said.

"…house of horrors?" Sirius suggested feebly. Remus growled at him. He backed away.

"Maybe you should just accept possum dictatorship for the time being. You could start up a secret revolution and then violently overthrow your dictator." Draco suggested.

"Or we could not! I don't speak possum." Clara complained. "Ah! They're working with the gnomes to climb the roof! Our defences have been breached!"



INTRODUCTION OF A PUFFSKEIN

"Remus gave me a budget of three sickles to spend on you guys so…I got you an attack puffskein." Draco said lamely, presenting them with a small, mustard coloured fluffy thing. It looked kind of like a koosh ball.

"What is it?" Clara asked, looking it over. "It doesn't have any…eyes or anything. It's just a lump."

"Sometimes a tongue will come out and it eats spiders and stuff, so I guess it'll help somewhat…with smaller things. I don't think he'll be much for the possums." Draco said.

"It's a he? How can you tell?" Clara asked.

"You paid three sickles for this thing?" Sirius asked, poking it. "Man, you got ripped off."

The puffskein made some odd noises, and then cuddled up against Clara. "Oh…!" Clara squealed. "I need to name him, what should I name him?" She squeaked, hugging the puffskein.

"Walking pile of useless?" Sirius suggested. "Wait, since he's an attack puffskein you should give him an attack-y name. Like Ripper or something."

"Ripper the puffskein? I think Fluffy would suit it better." Draco suggested.

"I think I'll name it after you!" Clara decided.

"That's cute…" Draco said, smiling in a stupid-happy way.

"His name's Ferret."

"Hey!"

"What? I named him after you." Clara said, patting Ferret. "If there were two Dracos running around we'd be very confused."

"I don't think it runs so much as rolls." Sirius commented, giving Ferret a little push. It made an objective noise before tumbling over.

"How does it move?" Draco wondered, staring at the puffskein.

Ferret rolled into a wall, made an angry squeak and then rolled into a chair leg. Clara frowned. "He can't see!"

"Does it have eyes?" Sirius asked, leaning over and examining it.

"It must. I have an idea!" Clara took out a barrette in her hair and pinned back Ferret's hair and two large puppy dog eyes appeared.

Draco gaped at her. "That's a breakthrough in Magical Creature studies."

"No one's ever thought of a barrette before?" Clara asked.

Draco and Sirius remained silent.

END OF THE REIGN OF THE POSSUM KING

"Poke it." Sirius muttered.

"I'm not poking it." Remus snapped.

The two were laying on their stomachs staring at the puffskein. Sirius was holding a set of chop sticks from some Chinese food they'd gotten three months ago. He tapped Ferret with the chopstick and he let forth a wave of squeaks and coos.

"That is the weirdest sound…" Remus' voice trailed off.

"Maybe it's pregnant."

"I thought you said Draco said he was a boy." Remus said, poking Ferret with his finger.

"I think they're ambidextrous." Sirius suggested.

"You don't mean ambidextrous-"

"Yes I do!"

"It's got no hands!" Remus exclaimed.

"Oh. Ambi…sexual?" Sirius suggested.

"Well…just stop poking it before Clara gets here. She's gotten awfully attached to the puffskein."

"Sure she did. It's a present from her boyfriend. Presents from your boyfriend are always fun." Sirius said, now using the puffskein like a drum with the chopsticks. "Dude we could make a CD out of this."

"I would comment on how stupid that is but someone's already done that. You can order 'Songs in the Key of Puffskein' off of the Wizarding Shopping Network. It's supposed to help you get to sleep at night." Remus explained.

"And you know of this because…" Sirius trailed off, remembering that both Clara and Remus were insomniacs.

"I didn't blow any money on a puffskein CD! What must you think of me?!" Remus shouted, offended.

"Guys! Guys!" Clara ran into the room looking unusually happy. Sirius backed away from the puffskein and hid the chopsticks behind his back.

"Yes Clara?" Remus asked.

"The possums are gone! Ferret got rid of them!" Clara squeaked. Remus raised an eyebrow and Sirius hid a snicker in a cough.

"You think the puffskein got rid of those vicious possums that we couldn't handle?" Sirius asked.

"No, he did! They all ran in terror of the-it's really hard to read their scratchy writing," Remus noticed she was looking at a little Possum sized newspaper. "Um…'we flee in terror of the Fluffy God of War. With the ever watchful eyes. Oh those scary eyes with the plastic decoration, doubtless taken from one of its former kills.' And it goes on like this!"

Sirius and Remus gaped at her. Then Remus petted the puffskein. "Good job Ferret!"

"Have a cheese curl!" Sirius handed him one. "He really likes these things. He went through a whole bag with me and Draco yesterday."

"Draco was here again?" Clara asked, looking offended. "He didn't say hi!"

"Yeah he did. He said hi to me and Ferret. What, he's not that rude. He doesn't walk into peoples' houses and randomly eat their cheese curls." Sirius sniffed.

"I was upstairs! Why didn't you tell me my boyfriend was here?!" Clara yelled.

"You didn't ask…"

"Gah!" Clara threw a lawn chair at Sirius' head and as he ducked out of the way his chopsticks flew across the floor. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE?!?!?!"

"Picking up…rice?"

"GAH!!!"

A NOCTURNAL ADVENTURE

Remus stumbled up the stairs and passed out on his bed next to Sirius, who was once again saying bits of odd things in his sleep. He was drifting into a pleasant sleep when he heard a sound like a kicked puppy.

"Nnn…Sirius wake up. You're having a nightmare." Remus murmured, shaking Sirius.

"No'm not…you shaddup…Santa." Sirius groaned out.

"I resent that." Remus snapped.

"You do that…I'm goin' to the pancake house."

Remus whacked Sirius with a pillow. "If you're going to keep me awake like this you can sleep on the couch!"

"You always make me sleep on the couch!" Sirius whined. "Don't you loooove-a me?"

"Cut the puppy dog eyes. I'm tired. I've been working three different retail jobs in an effort to get our electricity back. I need to sleep. No, stop snuggling! I can't stay mad at you when…oh for Christ's sake."

"I'll be good I promise. Don't make me sleep on the couch! What if the rats come back? They won't be scared by Ferret like those pansy possums!" Sirius whined, then he noticed Remus had already fallen asleep again. He congratulated himself on a job well done and rolled over to sleep again, when a shrill set of squeaks reached their ears.

"That's it, get on the couch." Remus growled.

"That wasn't me!" Sirius whined.

"Wha? Oh fuck, it got into a corner again. Go help him." Remus ordered, pulling a pillow over his head.

"But I don't wanna…" Sirius whined.

"Couch!"

"Fine, fine! You come with, dammit wake up!"

"Nnnnn…."

Sirius grabbed Remus' arm and a leg. He lifted him over his shoulder and started walking.

"What're you doing?" Remus asked groggily.

"You're coming with me. I'm afraid of the rats." Sirius explained.

"Don't expect to get back into that bed for the next month or so." Remus growled.

"Month? C'mon, we'll be at Grimmauld place by then!" Sirius pouted.

"Then put me back in the bed." Remus complained.

"Too late, we're already half way down the stairs."

"Then just put me down, I'll go back up. C'mon, aren't I heavy?"
"You really are tired oh 'I weigh less than 110'. Besides, I will not become a sacrifice to the race of pink rats." Sirius said decidedly. He stopped at the corner Ferret was trapped in. Sirius nudged Ferret with his toe. "Turn around…you're in a corner."

Ferret squeaked fearfully. It sounded like the puffskein version of crying. "The wall is not going to eat you, it's okay to turn around. Oh christ, Remus I need to put you down, he's not turning. Don't run off. Remus…R-Remus?"

Remus was asleep again. Sirius felt a little guilty. Obviously the working nineteen hours straight was getting to him.

Sirius picked Ferret up and chucked him up the stairs. "Go to Clara's room!" Ferret gave an indignant squeak and then started rolling on his way. Sirius picked Remus up again and started up the stairs.

He put Remus on the bed and sat down himself, then jumped back up again when he sat on something lumpy. There, squeaking angrily, was Ferret.

"No. You can't sleep here! Don't give me those eyes, I am the puppy dog eye master! Oh quit it! Remus, make him stop! Remus wake up!"

IN THE MORN

"Sirius, why are you on the couch? I didn't actually send you to the couch last night." Remus commented, seeing Sirius curled up on the Frankenstein being that once was a lawn chair, an arm chair, a shoe store reclining bench and a lot of duct tape, now called a couch.

"Ferret took my spot." Sirius groaned, rolling over and trying to block the sunlight.

"I was wondering about that. He stuck his tongue in my ear, it was creepy…I thought it was you for a minute."

"I'm gonna drop kick that puffskein." Sirius growled.

Clara came trotting in happily, petting Ferret. "He didn't like how you threw him last night Sirius. And how you're always poking him. So he wants to teach you a lesson by stealing your man." Clara explained.

Remus' eyes widened. "What?! Clara, what have you been teaching that thing?"

"It's okay Remus, I told him to stop. You two are too cute together!"

"You make it sound like I would go for the puffskein!" Remus yelled. "Gah! I'm going to work!"

Ferret rolled his way over to Remus' ankle and started rubbing against it. Remus shuddered, then pulled Sirius off of the couch and gave him an extended good bye kiss. "I'm with him! HIM!!!"



THE PEACE OFFERING OF DOOM

Draco walked up the pathway to Remus' house, intent on actually seeing Clara this time, no matter how many illegal drugs Sirius was willing to share with him. He made it to the living room, where Sirius was smoking up, already surrounded by junk food containers.

"Hey. Where's Clara?"

"She got a part time job so Remus could quit one of his. Speaking of which, I have a bone to pick with you. Where'd you get that puffskein from?"

"A pet store." Draco said, sitting next to Sirius and munching on some hostess cupcakes.

"Right. Well he's trying to steal Remus from me-STOP LAUGHING!!!" Sirius yelled.

"I'm, I'm sorry! Are you telling me you're feeling threatened by a puffskein? Is your relationship really in that much trouble?" Draco asked, cracking up again. "Sirius, he can't have sex with a puffskein. People've tried before. He can't cheat on you with it."

"People've tried before?" Sirius exclaimed. "E-e-ew. How do you know people've tried before?"
"Because I'm friends with some of them. Hey, there aren't a lot of choices for mates in Slytherin house, you take what you can get."

"Fine, just never speak of it again." Sirius ordered.

"Where is he anyway?" Draco asked.

"Remus?"

"No, Ferret. Where is it?"

"Oh. I gave him a bag of Cheese curls. He should be entertained for awhile. It's a peace offering so he'll leave mah man alone."

"Okay then. Now here's the part where you get me high."

DEATH OF A PUFFSKEIN

"That is one dead puffskein." Sirius observed.

"Yep." Remus agreed.

"How did it…?" Draco's voice trailed off into a terrified whimper.

Remus had gotten home from work to find Sirius and Draco in the living room, poking the very dead puffskein. The three of them were busy trying to figure out how it had died and thusly who Clara should put the blame (and hurting) on.

"We can tell her the mailman did it." Sirius suggested.

"We get owl post." Remus snapped.

"The mail owl then."

"No Padfoot!"

"Okay fine, you come up with something." Sirius pouted.

"Guys take the barrette off. I can't take the eyes!" Draco exclaimed.

"Wait…is that a cheese curl?" Remus asked, seeing half of a curl sticking out of Ferret's frozen blue lips. "Sirius, I told you to stop feeding him these, they're too big for him to digest!"

"He ate a pink rat and you're saying that's too big!" Sirius argued indignantly.

"Guys! This is not productive. We need to come up with something that will save my arse because you know Clara will kill me for this…wait! I was never here! Sirius, you did it! You never saw me!" Draco yelled, heading for the door.

"Saw you what?" Clara asked. Draco stopped in his tracks, a frozen look of panic on his features.

"SIRIUS DID IT!!!" Draco screamed in blind panic, then dove behind the couch.

Sirius stood in front of Ferret's body, blocking it from view. "Sirius, what did you do? What's that behind you?" Clara asked, trying to edge around him. Sirius moved with her and prevented it.

"Nothing, there's nothing at all behind me, nothing interesting, no dead puffskein-"
"SIRIUS YOU KILLED HIM!!!" Clara screamed, punching his stomach.

"Ow!"

"Yes! Sirius killed him!" Draco agreed.

"DRACO!!! WHAT DID YOU DO!?!?!"

"Nothing, Sirius gave him the cheese curls!" Draco whimpered.

"It was a peace offering so he would stay away from mah man…" Sirius explained.

"Stop referring to me like that." Remus said with a scowl. "It's demeaning."

"He's dead! My pet is dead! Oh Ferret, we need to give him a funeral!" Clara cried.

ARRANGEMENTS

"Remus, I called you out of work so you could attend the funeral." Sirius called up the stairs.

"That was nice…wait! You used the phone?!" Remus cried in blind panic. He raced down the stairs and smacked Sirius across the top of his head. "IDIOT!!! YOU'RE A WANTED MAN!!!"

"But Muggles-"

"Know about you too!"

"Oh my. Um…it's not like our phone's bugged, you don't have to act so weird. Oh, the next time you go to work, you need to wear a lot of casts and bandages."

Remus narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Why…?"
"I said you got hit by a bus."

Remus tried to speak several times but nothing happened.

"It was a small bus! You walk to work, it was a good excuse!" Sirius yelled.

"I got hit by a bus but I'm gonna be fine for work tomorrow?!?!"

"So you got a holiday…?"

"You guys stop fighting!" Clara yelled. "You're always fighting. I am the child of a broken home…You can't even be nice on the day we bury my pet."

"Sirius hit me with a bus." Remus said flatly.

"It was a small bus!" Sirius argued.

"I'm sorry. Sirius hit me with a special ed bus." Remus corrected.

"Um…well, anyway. We're ready outside." Clara said, running from the room. "I don't even want to know anymore."

Draco was waiting for them in the yard with a shoe box and a shovel. Clara whimpered and he lowered the shovel. "I dug the grave. You guys go through a lot of pets." Draco indicated the pet cemetery around them.

"No, those were here when I got the place." Remus explained. "Kind of…the person who lived here before was a taxidermist. Clara and Sirius felt sorry for the pets, so they named them all and I buried them. Except that one, Mr. BoJangles was here for awhile. I think, judging by the drawing on the grave, it was a bunny."

"I think it was a kitty." Sirius decided.

"It was a man." Clara stated. They all stared at her for a minute, then buried the puffskein.

EPILOGUE

Sirius was sleeping with his head on Remus' chest when they heard the knock on the door. Remus jumped up and ran for the stairs. "Turn into a dog before someone sees you." Remus hissed.

Obediently, Padfoot trotted after Remus to the doorway where two Ministry of Magic Wizards and a Witch were standing.

"H-hello. What brings you here?" Remus asked nervously.

"We got an owl from a concerned squib saying they received a phone call from this house, made by Sirius Black." The witch explained. "Seems he called you out of work."

Remus kicked the dog in a casual manner. Padfoot whined, then, with tail between legs, sat behind the couch.

"You sure it wasn't a prank phone call? I'm pretty sure I would've noticed if there was a murderer in my house." Remus said, a forced looking smile on his face.

"Can we come in?" One of the Wizards asked.

"Sure…sure." Remus backed away and the three walked into the living room.

"That's one big dog you've got there." The witch said, frowning. "Does he bite?"

"Um…not really. I mean no. He does not bite." Remus said slowly, putting emphasis on the words. Padfoot tilted his head, a 'Dare me' look on his face.

"Excuse me, it looked for a minute like you were talking to the dog and not our colleague here." One of the wizards said.

"Oh yeah, uh…living here all isolated. Sort of gets to me. Anyway, have a look around. Notice that Black is not here, and then leave. Please."

"He's such a cute puppy though!" The younger wizard said, scratching his ears. "I love dogs, I have three of them and-he's growling!"

"Back away!" Remus pulled Padfoot away from the wizards. "Behave." He hissed.

"I think he's nice enough. Oh my, he's friendly, isn't he?" The witch giggled while Padfoot sniffed around her arse. Remus clenched his teeth. "You know, if you take them in for the operation, they stop doing this." The witch explained conversationally.

Padfoot yelped, then ran into a corner and started whimpering, arse planted on the floor and legs hiding his crotch. "Your dog is so smart, it's like he knew what I was saying!"

"I'll have to consider that operation thing." Remus said while the wizards searched the house. Padfoot yelped again.

'He wouldn't.' Sirius thought to himself. 'He likes it too much.'

"Well, everything here seems in order. Sorry to trouble you Mr. Lupin." The younger wizard finally said.

"Alright then. Um, good bye. You can leave now. Now…" Remus said uncomfortably. The wizard was standing awfully close to him.

"You know…if you wanna go get a drink with me sometime…"

"No that's fine…uh…"

Padfoot growled menacingly. The wizard didn't seem to notice as he grabbed Remus' arse. And then suddenly very large teeth sunk into his arse.

"AAAAAAAHHH!!! I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE DIDN'T BITE!!!"

"He's very protective!" Remus called as the Ministry wizards and witch left. "Good bye!" He slammed the door, then faced Padfoot. "If you ever use the phone again I'll strangle you…or get you the operation."

Padfoot whimpered.

END