Botan's Birthday Bash!

A/N: This fanfic was my desperate attempt to retain my sanity while staying the weekend at my grandmother's house. Surprisingly, it worked. That, and my last-minute computer print-outs of Kurama. Just makes me wonder why it can't help me sleep, as well... This whole thing is actually Leo Cole's fault, and the fault of whatever bug-brained person who thought up the game "I never" and all those other creepy party-games. For the record, I am a hopeless purist (in some respects) and therefore, this game is clearly non- alcoholic. Then again, caffeine is just as bad sometimes... So, without further ado...

OH! WAIT!!! DISCLAIMER FIRST!!!

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the characters mentioned in this fanfic. Heck, I don't even own the computer I'm writing this on! But I would like it if I owned a Hiei-bat... they're so cute and evil- looking... I could keep it in my closet or let it fly around the living room and scare my mother half to death...

Botan's Birthday Bash! Chapter One: I NEVER!

"All right, Botan, NOW will you tell us why we all had to come out here for your birthday? I get the feeling this wasn't just some sort of nature hike," Yusuke scowled. The rest of the group made sounds of agreement as they flopped down on the forest floor.

"Yeah, and why'd we have to drag all this soda out here?" Kuwabara complained, opening his backpack and setting can after can of purely carbonated sugar on a nearby stump.

"Well?" Hiei asked, sitting separate from the group and, as usual, glowering as though wondering if he shouldn't just kill them all.

Botan began to nervously twiddle her fingers, suddenly wondering if her idea had been as good as she'd first thought. "Eh...heh-heh, well... I just thought this would give us a chance to spend some quality time together without distractions like TV and video games and... eh-heh-heh- heh... well..."

"For pity's sake..." Kurama muttered.

"It's a game called 'I Never'," Keiko explained, once it was clear Botan wouldn't recover from her nervous giggles any time soon. "We each take a can of soda, and one by one say something we've never done. If anybody else has done what we just said, they take a drink. We keep going either until we run out of ideas, run out of soda, or in this case, someone tries to kill someone else."

Everyone shot secret glances at Hiei, who grinned slightly, evilly.

"Anyone not want to do this?" Keiko continued.

"Whatever," Yusuke muttered.

"It's dumb, but let's do it," Kuwabara said.

Kurama shrugged. "I'm game."

Everyone turned to Hiei.

"Hiei?" Keiko asked hesitantly.

No reply.

"Hiei?" she asked again.

Instead of answering, Hiei reached out and opened a can. There was a collective sigh from the group.

"Yusuke, how 'bout you start?" Keiko grinned.

Yusuke paused as everyone opened a can. "I've never worried about my looks," he said after a moment.

Keiko, Botan, Kuwabara and Kurama each took a drink. Hiei gave a snorting laugh.

"I'll go next," announced Botan. "Um... I've never killed anyone. And bugs don't count," she added.

Yusuke, Kurama, and Kuwabara drank. Hiei drained his can, opened another, drained that one, and half-finished a third.

"This is actually rather entertaining," the three-eyed demon commented.

"You next, Kuwabara," Keiko prodded.

"Oh...right. Uh..." Kuwabara turned his eyes heaven-ward in deep concentration.

"Here's one for you," Hiei suggested flippantly, "I've never had an intelligent moment in my life."

"Hey!" Kuwabara yelled, nearly knocking over his soda. Yusuke and Kurama had to keep him from doing something very stupid, not to mention nearly ending the game.

Once Kuwabara had cooled down a bit...

"Okay, uh... oh! I've never eaten dirt. There!" he beamed proudly, out of sheer idiocy.

Yusuke glanced back and forth, then took a quick sip. A few people in the group gaped. Hiei sniggered.

"I was five!" Yusuke insisted, "Besides, it was Kuwabara here who shoved it in my face!"

Kuwabara grinned at the apparent memory of it.

"I'll go next," Hiei interrupted. The whole group quieted. "I've never dressed so modestly it's driven people mad." He sent a meaningful look in Kurama's direction.

"Guilty as charged," the redhead sighed, taking a long drink.

Yusuke smirked. "It was quite a shock when we found out you actually have ankles."

Kurama's eyes widened and he nearly choked.

"And I hear he has wrists and shoulders, too!" Kuwabara added.

"Now whoever could have told you that?" Hiei chuckled.

Kurama's eyes narrowed. "Two can play at this game, Hiei. At least I've never chewed anyone out because of my Napoleon complex."

This time it was Hiei who had to be held back from nearly ending the game.

"Come on, Hiei, be fair," the girls chided.

Grudgingly, Hiei drained the remaining half of his can and reached for another.

"All right, hm..." Keiko muttered thoughtfully. "I've never died. True enough," she reasoned.

Yusuke took an honest drink, while Kurama stared at his can, obviously at odds with himself. He finally took a half-sip of compromise.

"My turn, then," Yusuke muttered. "In that case, I've never spilled coffee in someone else's lap."

Botan took a quick sip. After a pause for thought, she said, "All right... I've never been kissed by someone other than a family member."

Yusuke, Hiei, Kurama, and Keiko each took a drink. Botan got her classic "gossip" look.

"For the record, Botan," Hiei informed her calmly, "Demons never kiss and tell."

Botan looked disappointed.

Kuwabara swatted a fly away from his soda. "I've never cross-dressed."

Hiei gave Kurama a sharp jab in the ribs.

"That was not cross-dressing!" Kurama insisted.

Hiei shrugged. "Well, then, try this one. I've never gotten my ass kicked because I'm too damn nice."

"That's low, Hiei," Kurama muttered, taking a drink and a half. He then turned to Keiko. "Can we say things we HAVE done?"

"I guess, if you drink for it, too," she replied.

"Good. I've never had an idiotic haircut," Kurama drank in memory of his childhood bowl-cut.

Yusuke and Keiko drank as well. There was a sudden pause.

"What did we say about being fair, Kuwabara?" Botan finally burst.

"What are you talking about; I've had this haircut all my life!" Kuwabara defended. "Hey...are you saying my haircut's stupid?!"

"Just drink," Yusuke said with an exasperated roll of his eyes.

Keiko cleared her throat. "I've never threatened to kill Yusuke." She sipped.

"I think we all can fairly admit to that," Botan said cheerily, lifting her soda-can. "Cheers!"

The whole group minus Yusuke- and Keiko, who had already drank- tilted their cans and gulped.

"Well..." Yusuke said once everyone had finished, "I've never gotten drunk."

"On alcohol?" Kurama questioned abruptly with a sideways glance at Hiei.

"Yeah..." Yusuke replied slowly, not sure if he understood.

Botan, Hiei, Kurama, and Kuwabara tilted, the first and latter rather hesitantly. Kurama had to open another can.

"My turn!" Botan sang. "Now let's see... Oh." She suddenly went into fits of giggles.

"Out with it already," Yusuke snapped.

Botan continued giggling. "I've never... well, ah... tee-hee... you know..." she lifted her eyebrows and broke into giggles again.

"That's sick, Botan!" Kuwabara exploded. "Nobody here'd own up to that! It's way too personal!"

"Oh, we can't be too certain about that..." Hiei muttered with a small grin he thought no one else saw.

Botan was instantly in his face. "Is there something Hiei isn't telling us? Who? When? Out with it!"

Hiei gave her a murderous look. "If I had, I wouldn't be telling a gossip like you, now would I?"

"This stuff is non-caffeinated, isn't it?" Kurama suddenly interrupted.

Kuwabara looked at an empty can. "I don't think so... Why? Hey, is something wrong, Kurama? Your face looks kinda red."

Yusuke gave a short laugh. "Don't tell me Kurama's blushing! Okay, pal, 'fess up."

"I am not blushing, and I have nothing to confess." Kurama informed the ground.

A long moment passed in which Kurama's face didn't become any less red. Hiei, too, seemed to be showing what looked to be a blush.

"You guys sure you're okay?" Keiko asked.

Kurama waved her off. "Keep the game going. I believe it is Kuwabara's turn, correct?"

Kuwabara nodded. "Uh, yeah. Uh... I've never vandalized a public bathroom."

Yusuke drank with a small grin.

"I've never had this much caffeine in one sitting," Hiei stated over the top of his can.

Yusuke, Botan, and Kuwabara drank, all three wondering if Hiei's eyes weren't looking a bit more glazed than usual.

"I've never kicked Puu down a flight of steps," Kurama said after a moment's thought.

"Does it count if we ever wanted to?" Yusuke asked.

Kurama nodded.

Yusuke and Hiei both drank. The girls gasped.

"You kicked Puu down the stairs?!" Botan nearly screamed, shaking Hiei by the shoulder. Hiei fell over onto his back, laughing in a maniacal way that made everyone edge away a few feet. His can lay overturned on the ground next to him.

"Um, okay..." Keiko muttered, sweatdropping. "Ah... I've never run around the house in a shower cap singing 'The Sound of Music'."

Hiei had struggled back up into a sitting position and opened a new can. This he took a swift gulp of. The group gaped.

"I'm sure that has to be a lie," Kurama muttered, shaking his head.

Hiei only continued to chuckle over the top of his can.

"Freak," Yusuke muttered under his breath. He cleared his throat. "I've never played strip-poker."

Hiei and Botan both drank.

"On the subject of less-thought-of games, I've never played shot-glass checkers." Botan announced.

Yusuke, Kurama, and Hiei tilted, but by then the group was getting the impression that Hiei would drink to just about anything at the moment.

"Maybe we should stop..." Botan muttered, casting side-glances at Hiei the whole time.

"But we still have all this soda to get rid of," Kuwabara pointed out. "I don't wanna drag all that back down the hill again!"

"Guys..." Yusuke muttered, pointing, "I don't think that'll be much of a problem..."

"Wanna bet? I could drink you under the table any day!" Hiei shouted, seizing another can and glaring at Kurama.

"You're on," the redhead glared back and they both began to guzzle soda.

There was the collective sound of jaws dropping and eyes popping out.

"Maybe somebody spiked their drinks," Kuwabara muttered in half-awe as the piles of empty cans steadily grew around the two seated at the tree-stump.

"I'd actually have to guess that the demon metabolism wasn't made for that much sugar and caffeine," Botan said, eyes wide. "Oh, what have I done?!"

Kurama, now on his sixteenth or seventeenth can, suddenly coughed, eyes watering. Hiei grabbed the can before it could hit the ground, finished it off, and continued his drinking spree as Kurama keeled over gagging. Keiko rushed over and began pounding Kurama on the back.

"Easy there," she muttered as he continued to cough.

Meanwhile, Hiei was finishing off can number thirty-odd, his face redder than an Irishman's and his eyes watering and bloodshot. "Wimp," he managed between gulps, "never could hold his drink."

"Oh brother," Botan muttered in disgust. "This has got to stop." Lifting a fallen tree branch, she smashed the whole thing over Hiei's head. The limb splintered and Hiei fell sideways, scattering soda cans. A good-sized lump was visible on the back of his head. "That'll teach you to do such a stupid thing on my birthday."

The happy group of Yusuke, Kuwabara, Keiko, and Botan had the cheerful job then of carrying two back-packs worth of empty soda cans, an unconscious Hiei, and an intoxicated Kurama down the hill and back to civilization.

"With luck," Yusuke muttered, "they may even have hangovers for their efforts."

************

A final note from everyone's favorite Kurama-lusting, Yusuke-smashing, Hiei- pouncing, Kuwabara-bashing author...

WHOEVER STOLE MY SANITY PILLS, PLEASE GIVE THEM BACK! You don't have to be a three-eyed midget demon to achieve that watery, blood-shot look to your eyes when you're seriously lacking your daily supplement of sanity...

NOW WHERE THE HECK IS MY KURAMA DOLLY?! How'm I ever gonna get to sleep without my Kurama Dolly?!

Please review; it's late at night and as usual, I'm a very insecure little person... Now I must go find my Kurama Dolly... It's 10:30 pm... how'm I ever gonna sleep NOW?!

Oh, just wait until the people at the Institute for Insane Authors find out I spent my whole weekend getting Kurama and Hiei drunk... I'll have to wake up early and finish my homework...

LEO!!! DID YOU TAKE MY KURAMA DOLLY?! *prowl, prowl*