Before Perfection
by The Great Red Dragon
Chapter 25
Sunsets in Mana are always beautiful.
The sunsets are an obvious reason alone to live in Mana, and should always be enjoyed in the way they deserve: with all your attention and appreciation.
However, this evening, I simply could not gaze upon the beauty of the setting circle; it seemed sinful in my sad condition.
I was still lying on the floor when Riley and Rebecca came back. I'm glad it wasn't Rebecca who came in first: I didn't really want her to see me in my condition. I wasn't hurt physically, but wild bullfights were going on inside of my head.
I believed the Pred when he said that I had been in his sights the whole time. I believed that I should've felt wary when I was content.
Most people wouldn't have trusted his words, and claimed it was all for a purpose of scaring, but I had to believe.
He must've been close enough to know my relationships with Riley and his family...but then again, that was pretty obvious.
I sat in the living room, where the must-see sunset was sending a glare at me. Riley, who had been more than shocked about the fact that his sister was being held hostage, was in the kitchen. I'm not sure if he was drinking beer, or smoking cigarettes, or whatever.
I couldn't blame him, though…
The television was on, and it too showed me no comfort: reports of murder, rape, and kidnap filled the screen.
…Until then, I could pretty much ignore the acts of violence I saw on the tube…but now, I began to wonder about them.
Was the victim a big sister to another? Did she have a family, who didn't understand her? Was she just out on the street to pick up her little brother from school? Did she close her eyes as she left this life, so as to not be blinded by the sight of her killer in her last moments before the eternal unconscious?
I got up and made for the kitchen.
I didn't want to start thinking about the afterlife...even if there was one.
In the kitchen, I found Riley at the table. An opened pack of cigarettes lay by his hands, from which the plastic wrap not yet in the trashcan. A small stream of smoke was billowing into a cloud, set from the cigarette hanging limply from Riley's lips.
I jumped onto the table and snatched the cancer-stick away from him.
"This stuff will kill you faster than crack", I told him, and deposited the trash (the cigarettes and the plastic) into the grey waste-container.
Riley didn't object when I did this.
"Yeah...you're right", he said, and stuck a piece of mint-flavored gum into his mouth., and he chewed as I sat down on the table in front of him.
It was a pathetic silence: Riley's face showed no true expression, and it was agonizing for me to see him like this. Like I said before, I didn't care much for Lara...but I couldn't take it if Riley was unhappy - I just couldn't take it.
Finally, the tension became too much, and I slammed my fist down hard on the table surface. It made sound that I can't quite explain: a banging, uneasy, unyielding bash that caused the table to jitter, like a sword that has been twanged against another metal.
"It's all my fault!", I said aloud, causing Riley to look up.
"It's my fault that your sister is gone, and I'm all the trouble around here!"
Riley looked surprised.
"Wh-what do you mean?", he asked quietly.
"I mean, c'mon, it's not your f-"
"Yes it is!", I half-shouted again.
"If I had just kept my eyes open and seen this bastard coming, everything would still be alright! But I'm just too stupid to do anything important!"
…At this, to my own surprise, Riley stood up.
He did not look too happy.
"Jesus Christ, Auron!", he said loudly, angrily.
"Will you please just shut up?!"
...This gave me a moment of silence.
Riley had never raised his voice to me...I was starting to believe that I was immune from that.
It was a shock to have him start with it now, especially when I was about to get started…
"All this time, you've just been moping and crying around!", he continued, sounding as if he had wanted to say this for some time.
"You're always expecting yourself to be this perfect being, and every little mistake you make makes you out to be a disaster! Well, everybody in the universe makes mistakes, and you just haven't realized that!"
...I believe that I should've taken that without another word: I had deserved that, and I know how immature I had been.
But at that moment, I felt very nasty. I wasn't used to being shouted at, and I didn't like it.
How dare he?
"Well, it's not like you're doing anything either!", I shot back.
"All you're doing is sitting around and getting drunk! She's you're sister, and you should be doing something!"
That, I should've known, was too much. Even my anger can't take the blame for the crap I was talking...it was just me: my nasty old self.
But Riley went dark with anger in retort: playtime was definitely over.
"Yeah, well what do you care!?!", he openly shouted.
"All you're doing is sitting around here bitching and drowning in your own sorrow! And you know what?! I'll bet you're doing it because you know that you're too weak and stupid to do anything about it!"
That snapped me.
I jumped off of the table, and stomped out of the kitchen. Before doing so, I shouted something truly nasty at Riley...that I really don't want to repeat (it isn't because of obscenity...but it still hurts me know that I told the person I love the most to go to Hell).
...I was glad that Rebecca had been taken to the park by a friend earlier; neither Riley nor I would've wanted her to witness that.
We had our argument before noon.
Well after the sun had gone down, I was still outside.
I had gone out into the slopes of the jungle near the house, where I sought solitude. I sat down hard on a rock...I couldn't even breath steadily, I was so angry. Not necessarily at Riley, and not necessarily about myself…I was angry about a lot of things.
I was angry about too many things to count: I was angry over my own existence, I was angry over the Predator holding Lara hostage, and I was angry about the small sapling that was standing innocently in front of me, where I sat.
…I was angry at the tree for just being there.
With a stupid and rabid rage, I slashed at the tree's thickening trunk and severed it completely.
...Immediately, I felt worse. My anger faded, but it was now replaced by a deep sorrow.
Carefully, I began to re-attach the tree as best as I could. With vines, I tied the two split ends of the trunk together, and used sap to glue it in place.
With my hands sticky, I ventured over to a nearby puddle and began to wash the tangy substance off of myself. As I applied wave after wave of water to my clawed hands, I began to notice my face in the pool…
I looked at myself...and saw a small, blue alien who once again was unsure of his purpose and scared of the future. And for the first time, I noticed the slightest tinge of green to my eyes.
The more I concentrated about this newly-discovered feature, the more blurry the reflection of me went. I thought that the water must be unstill, and I sat back. Then, I noticed that the blurriness wasn't the water...it was me: there were tears in my eyes.
I cried alone for half of the day, nonstop, until after the sun went down
At one point, I feared that all the fluid loss was going to dehydrate me. I drank from the puddle in a pathetic manner, like a dog, and I continued to bawl soundlessly.
I had the most pathetic crying in the world...I just opened my mouth and gasped while tears fell from my eyes onto my feet and stomach.
I didn't want to be alone now. I didn't want to be crying alone in the dimly-lit forest.
I admitted to myself that I wanted some affection, and I wanted to be comforted. I wanted to say that I was sorry to Riley, and I wanted to be back in his nice warm house, not in the chilling wind that came as the sun left.
I wanted all of those things...but I was too afraid to even ask. I wouldn't have been afraid to face a loaded gun, and I wouldn't have been afraid to fight a thousand Predators...but I was afraid of apologizing to Riley.
…I didn't want to take what I deserved; I didn't want to be sent away.
Like I said, it was getting darker and cooler. I didn't want to spend the night outside (although I wasn't sure where else I might be welcome), and I quietly crept back towards Riley's house.
The lights inside were still on and I took a hidden position about thirty feet from the patio.
I didn't see any movement at all; perhaps Riley had already gone to bed.
I sat there for an hour, hoping that I would see some form of activity that indicated life inside of the house.
I wanted to apologize. I yearned for this all to be over and forgotten. Not just the argument, but the entire situation as well; I wanted the Pred to go away, set Lara free, and we could be the happy family again.
Before the Pred, I thought I was living in the some kind of Eden: I had not only a family, but friends as well. I'm not sure what my role was, but it felt pretty good.
"And now", I thought to myself miserably.
"...I might've tossed it all away because of my immaturity."
After some time, for some reason, I found myself in front of the patio door.
Had I walked there, in a lapse of consciousness?
I really didn't know how I suddenly wound up there…what happened?
No matter what the cause, I got a rush of fear, to be this close to Riley, after what had happened, and I quickly turned around and began to scamper away.
Then, I heard the patio door open...and I heard Riley's voice.
"Auron?"
I stopped in my tracks.
In my mind, I imagined his image: shadowed by the fading light, in my mind.
Slowly, I turned around, and my mental picture seemed accurate. I could not see his exact expression, but what I did see, I couldn't make out. Only his eyes were visible; shining through the darkness.
And I knew that they were directed at me.
We stared at each other for quite some time. I have no idea what Riley was thinking, no more than I knew what I was thinking. I'm not even gonna guess…maybe I should, but I won't dare.
After a while, with a renewed wave of emotion, I managed a single, short phrase through an unsteady, quivering lip.
"...I'm sorry..."
Something in Riley's face changed. Again, I couldn't read it, although it was very significant.
"...I'm sorry too, Auron."
Slowly, Riley came over to me, and lowered himself to my height. Without my objection, he scooped me into his arms and held my body against his. He allowed me to put my arms around his neck, and he allowed me to hug him.
He hugged me back, and put his face into my shoulder. I did the same, and when I did, I felt a tiny dampness of tears on my fur.
"It's okay…", we breathed together.
"It's all okay…"
...It felt very good.
Our argument was never mentioned again. We didn't confirm it verbally, but I think the two of us made a solemn agreement that the only way to save Lara was with our combined teamwork.
The Pred could only be overcome if the two of us worked as friends and allies, and not as enemies. We would go through this all the way, without any whining, complaining, or any other thing that might cause friction between us.
A poet once said that the greatest enemy of all will be able to win a war simply by turning allies against each other.
He (the poet) claimed that was the greatest weapon of all.
...Well, I guess that makes Riley and me the masters of the universe, 'cause we had just overcome that strategy.
When we were finally back upstairs, we passed Rebecca's room, and Riley stopped, and The two of us peeked inside.
…The kid obviously wasn't having a good time: though asleep, she tossed and turned, and let out a soft sob that indicated a nightmare.
"Oh no...", Riley said sadly.
"She's starting to have bad dreams again."
I looked up at him in question.
"Again?", I asked him.
"When Mom and Dad died, we thought she'd be too young to be affected by it...but nobody could forget that kind of love", he explained to me.
He sighed heavily.
"She'd have nightmares where monsters ate Mom and Dad. God, it must've been horrible."
"Yeah...", I thought.
"It would be."
Riley looked down at me in request.
"Auron, could you sleep with her tonight?", he asked me.
"Me?", I asked in return, a bit surprised…but then added agreeably;
"Tonight?...sure, alright."
He smiled at me gratefully.
"Thanks."
"Are you going to bed also?", I asked him.
"Well...not yet", he answered.
"Not yet, not yet…I have some work to do in my room...but please keep her comfortable, okay?"
I nodded, and he smiled again.
"Okay…good night, then."
"Night-night, Riley."
He nodded and made for his room. Before entering, he flicked off the light in the hallway, so the only brightness came from the bathroom, where the door had been slightly ajar.
Slowly, quietly, I entered Rebecca's room. I pushed a plastic horse out of the way with my foot (Rebecca loved horses, and there weren't many on Hawaii) before jumping onto the large bed.
Rebecca was still involved in her nightmare. Her little head was pushed deep into the pillow, and she had gripped the covers tightly in her hands.
Silently, I slid underneath the blankets beside her.
Carefully, as not to wake her, I extended my arms and gently pulled her against me. She felt warm, and it seemed awful for such a sweet, innocent being to carry horrific images in her mind.
As if recognizing the feel of my body, she clung to my fur and pushed her face into my shoulder. Gingerly, I replaced my second arm with my third (releasing one of my extra appendages for the first time in a long while) and began to stroke her hair. This seemed to relax her, and her body loosened from its previous tension and sunk slowly into the soft, comfy mattress.
And then, as if wanting to scare away the last of her monsters, I carefully lifted my head and mouth her exposed ear, and quietly sang her a small lullaby that I had been thinking up while I was out in the jungle.
"When the last eagle flies,
Over the last crumbling mountain,
And the last lion roars,
At the last dusty fountain,
In the shadow of the forest,
Though she may be all and one,
They would stare unbelieving,
At the last Unicorn...
When the first breath of Winter,
Through their flowers it's rising,
And you look to the North,
And the pale Moon is rising
And it seems like all is dying,
And would leave the World to more,
In the distance hear the laughter,
Of the last Unicorn..."
(A/N: Disclaimer: the song 'Last Unicorn' belongs to Groove Coverage and whatever record company is involved)
