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Dedicated to the genius of Rowan Atkinson and J.R.R. Tolkien
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The year is 3019, Shire Reckoning.
The evil lord Sauron had laid his eyes, once again, on Middle Earth, and in a fit of revenge, conspires to retrieve the one Ring that belongs to him.
Out of the Darkness, a number of heroes rose, to raise a fellowship, dedicated to destroying the One Ring, with each hero representing a certain race.
However, on the side of Humans, Middle-Earth may seem doomed.
For in this story, they do not have, Aragorn, alias Strider, son of Gondor.
They have Edmund, alias Black Adder, son of Gondor.
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Ye Grande Tale of Black Adder and The Vile Lorde of the Rings
otherwise known as
Black Adder buggers of some Hobbits
~
*play the merry theme song of the Black Adder !*
The sound of hoof beats 'cross the glade.
Good foe, lock up your son and daughter.
Beware the deadly flashing blade,
Unless you want to end up slaughtered.
Black Adder, Black Adder. He rides a pitch black steed.
Black Adder, Black Adder. He's very fair indeed.
Black. His gloves of finest wool.
Black. His codpiece made of metal.
His horse is blacker than a hole.
His pot is blacker than his kettle.
Black Adder, Black Adder. With many an cunning plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder. you are a little man
~
Prologue: The Finding of the One Ring
AKA
Frodo Goes forth
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Three rings for the elven kings under the sky,
seven for the dwarf lords in their halls of stone,
nine for Mortal men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his throne,
In the Land of....
"Hey, narrator, get on with the bloody story !"
Sorry.
~
2189, Shire Reckoning
"Bugger it ! I'm loss in a stinking cave and the hair on my feet are covered in slime ! Bloody cae... eh ? What's this ?"
A gentlemanly hobbit, by some, pure, unknown chance, came across the most lethal artifact in all Middle-Earth.
"Now what sort of sod would throw away, or lose such a special ring..."
(some time later)
"WHat have I got in my pockets ?"
"(gollum) Unfair !'
"Never mind you blinking bastard, what do I have in my pockets ?"
And with that, he sharpened his sword, sting, using a rock he found nearby.
"Hands !"
"No, you bloody fool ! What do you think I'm sharpening my blade with ? Feet ?"
"Umm... handkerchief !"
"Oh damn, now I remember that I should have brought that before I got myself in this bloody adventure ! My nose is filled with snot !"
"Um.. strings, or nothing.."
"What are you, daft ? What sort of fool would carry string around, you fish-eating, pus-filled cretin ? And, what makes you think I have nothing ?"
"Oh sod it. There ! Now, leave."
As Gollum went back, Bilbo was walking slowly when he heard a cry behind him.
"Precious ! The bastard stole my precious !"
Bilbo realized it was high time he buggered off, quickly.
~
3019, Shire Reckoning
In the (pathetic) town of Hobbiton
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"There's one last test..."
"You sod ! That was my birthday present !"
"Shut up, fool !"
As Gandalf took out the tongs, Frodo eyed the Ring.
"What am I supposed to do now: gape in awe at some weird flaming letters appearing on a
ring ?"
"Umm.. yes."
"I can't read it."
"Well, according to my knowledge, it should read, in the common tongue:
One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness, bind them."
Silence filled the room.
"Cut out the bleeding melodrama and tell me what that nonsensical prose was supposed to mean."
~
