a Daria fanfic
by
Mike Yamiolkoski
PROLOGUE:
Cape Cod, Massachusetts
June 26, 1975
EXT: CLIFF OVERLOOKING BEACH
A small gathering of people is present for the commitment ceremony of Jake Morgendorffer and Helen Barksdale. Jake and Helen themselves are present, of course, as are their friends Willow and Coyote (and their dog Leary) and several others from Helen and Jake's band of flower children. People that are noticeably absent are an officiator and family from either side. The setting is completely unadorned and natural except for two large clay urns that issue smoke, the blankets that people are sitting on, and two decorated Volkswagen mini-buses that are parked some distance away.
Helen and Jake step close to each other and take one another by the hands.
HELEN & JAKE: (speaking together) Under an open sky and upon sacred ground, I acknowledge the oneness of the universe. May the cosmic forces bless our union and make it a journey of enlightenment.
Helen accepts a flower and leaf garland from Willow and places it on Jake's head. She seems very happy, mellow, and content to be right where she is, not the power-driven Helen of the future.
HELEN: I pledge my commitment to your growth and self-realization. I respect your beingness. I recognize your personhood. I promise to get out of the way and let you discover who you are. I will not get on your case or nag.
Jake takes a similar garland from Coyote, and places it on Helen's head with trembling hands. He seems to be ready to cry tears of joy any second.
JAKE: I place this garland upon your crown as a symbol of the never-ending circle of life and death - a journey we shall take together. Merging lives is a pretty big deal. (he swallows hard, and his voice becomes hoarse with emotion) I pledge that I have thought this thing out and really want to do it.
Jake sighs with relief at having gotten through his vows. Helen gazes at him with loving and understanding eyes.
HELEN & JAKE: (together) We will raise our children to be independent spirits, free from oppressive rules and society's expectations - an organic expression of our physical love.
As if on cue, a flock of seagulls rises up behind them and flies overhead. Everyone takes a moment to appreciate this miracle of nature before Helen and Jake continue.
HELEN & JAKE: Let us begin this karmic adventure. In the presence of friends and trees, we take each other as man and woman.
EVERYONE: THE REVOLUTION BEGINS WITH US!
With that, Helen and Jake kiss enthusiastically and everyone cheers for the happy couple. Helen and Jake scarcely have time to break apart from each other before they are taken up by a group hug from all their friends present (about two dozen people)
COYOTE: Okay, let me get some pictures! (he pulls out an old Brownie camera and sets up a tripod)
WILLOW: I want you both to know how happy we all are for you. If there were ever souls that the fates destined for one another, you are it!
COYOTE: Okay, hold hands and smile! (he takes a picture) Groovy, now one where you're looking at each other! (he takes another one) Far out!
FLOWER: (another friend) Hey guys, I have your vows here, you should come over and sign them! It's on hemp-fiber paper so it'll last forever, just like your love for each other.
HELEN: That is so cosmic, Flower.
Jake signs first, then steps back and gives the quill to Helen.
COYOTE: Man, you need to sign your sign! You want the stars in on this one, brother.
JAKE: Oh, yeah! (he adds "Capricorn")
Helen signs as well, writing "Helen Barksdale, Cancer"
WILLOW: See? Capricorn and Cancer. It's in the stars, you're soulmates.
EVERYONE: (murmuring) Mmm... soulmates... groovy, man...
COYOTE: Let me just get one more picture, man, and then we'll head down to the beach and celebrate the joining!
Everyone starts heading down the cliffside to the beach, some of them stripping off all their clothes as they do. Helen and Jake don't notice - they only have eyes for each other. Coyote snaps a picture...
Lawndale
June 20, 2000
INT: HELEN'S OFFICE
Fade in on the picture on Helen's desk that Coyote took in the last scene, which suddenly gets knocked and flattened by a stray hand that turns out to be Helen's.
As the view zooms out, we see that Helen is doing her usual pacing and ranting. She doesn't notice that she's knocked the picture off her desk.
HELEN: (on the phone) I don't have the transcription from the State vs. ChemTech case, they misspelled my name on my stationery again – that's the third damn time – and which moron scheduled lunch meetings for three different clients in succession? Exactly how much lunch am I expected to eat?
Helen's boss Eric comes bursting in.
ERIC: Hey! Great news – we got the Pharmacon case! I'll need you to get on it first thing tomorrow morning. We're talking big leagues here, Helen; Pharmacon reported earnings in ten figures last year, and this case promises to drag on for months in litigation! We're gonna be burning the midnight oil for a while – hope you're up for it, Tiger!
HELEN: (puts the phone down) You know I am! But I do hope you haven't forgotten that it's my 25th wedding anniversary next week, and I put in my request for Tuesday afternoon off six months ago.
ERIC: Oh Helen, I'm not trying to pressure you in any way. I want you to spend time with your husband; after all, we're a firm that supports the institution of the family. I just want you to realize that this is literally our biggest case for the past three years! Believe me, you'll want a piece of this one. Remember, I told you you're on the fast track for partnership. Don't derail the train!
HELEN: Of course not, Eric! I'm sure I can make time to take care of whatever needs doing.
ERIC: That's my go-getter! Oh, I happened to pass by H.R. on the way here. (he passes over a stack of forms) We're changing insurance companies again. And don't worry about next week, we have a meeting Monday morning with the head of Pharmacon but Tuesday's just for busy work. You'll have plenty of time to spend with good ol' Jack.
HELEN: That's Jake.
ERIC: Sure. Well, back to work then!
HELEN: (thumbs-up and smiling) Back to work! (the smile drops off her face instantly) All right then, it's crunch time! I'll need to clear my meeting schedule for the next week, and find some wet-behind-the-ears intern to take over the ChemTech case. Marianne, get on the phone with these jokers and pick up where I left off, and make sure you cancel at least two out of those three lunches. And will somebody find out why the hell we can't get our stationery right around here? You know, no one ever misspelled my name before I got married...
INT: JAKE'S OFFICE
Jake's office is a lot quieter than Helen's. Indeed, the only noise present is the slight squeaking of the Rubik's Cube that Jake is manipulating.
JAKE: Damn 80's nostalgic puzzle! Why the can't you buy the little booklet that tells you how to solve this crappy thing? You'd think that if the damn cubes are still around, someone would be publishing the book!
The phone rings just as Jake manages to pinch his finger in the cube.
JAKE: OWW!! Dammit! (he shakes his hand for a moment, sucking on his injured finger, then picks up the phone) Jake Morgendorffer consulting, Jake Morgendorffer speaking!
HELEN: Oh hello, Jakey. I was hoping I could ask you a favor, seeing as you're not too busy.
JAKE: (a bit indignant) What makes you think I'm not busy? I might have clients out the door!
HELEN: Do you?
JAKE: (sheepish) No.
HELEN: Well, don't worry about it, I'm about to get more work than I know what to do with. Actually, I was hoping you could help by filling out some health insurance forms. I'll fax them over to you, all right?
JAKE: Um… sure! You know you can count on me!
HELEN: Just try to get the girls' birthdays right this time. Remember, Daria's the older one, Quinn's the younger one.
JAKE: Right. Two kids. Got it.
HELEN: Jake…
JAKE: It was a joke, Helen!
HELEN: Oh. Yes, I suppose it was, even you couldn't get that one wrong.
JAKE: Hey!
HELEN: Jake, I'm really awfully busy, could you just take care of these forms and we'll joke together later?
JAKE: (petulant) Fine.
HELEN: Oh, don't be that way, Jakey. (seductive) Remember that lacy little item in the back of the closet that I didn't wear last year on our anniversary? I think this might be a good time to get it back out…
JAKE: (grinning) Rowr…
HELEN: That's my man… Anyway, I'm afraid I'll be late tonight, a huge case just got dropped into my lap and I'll have to get a jump start on it if we're going to be able to go out Tuesday like we planned. Gotta run! (hangs up)
JAKE: Oh, Helen, one other thing… (sighs) never mind.
The fax machine rings
JAKE: Ahh! What the hell was that?
The fax machine answers and starts spitting out paper.
JAKE: Wow… so that's the fax machine!!
INT: DARIA'S ROOM
Daria is on the phone with Jane. Spilt-screen reveals Jane is on a pay phone at the Mall.
JANE: So, how'd your interview go?
DARIA: Pretty good. I am now Wallen & Shane Publishing Company's newest intern. Or, in other words, I get to give them twenty hours a week for free, and they sign a paper that says I learned stuff, and Mom gets my first semester's tuition paid for. This has the added bonus of keeping me from making enough money to buy a car this summer.
JANE: Gotta love the system. So, when do you start?
DARIA: Next Monday.
JANE: Aw, hell. I had Monday off. I was hoping we could get together for the day and hang out.
DARIA: Well, how late are you at the Mall tonight?
JANE: It's hard to say. I'm doing the men's department windows, and they always feel that they have to be a bit more wild than the women's department. That pretty much translates into an extra hour of work. I'm going for a "running screaming from an invading UFO" motif – they're having a sale on businesswear, and so I figured I'd have aliens attack a city and make all the executives run for their lives. One of the mannequins is melting under a heat lamp as we speak.
DARIA: Oh. I like that.
JANE: Thought you might. The hard part has been setting up a fan powerful enough to blow the jackets back, but not so strong that it blows the cardboard skyscrapers over. Anyway, I think I'll be here until at least ten o'clock. Too late to go for pizza.
DARIA: Tell you what. I'll come down and give you some support.
JANE: You're coming to a mall to see me? Daria, I had no idea our friendship meant so much to you!
DARIA: Later. (she hangs up the phone, get up, puts on her jacket, and heads out.)
INT: MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM
Daria's heading out the door, when Quinn runs up to stop her.
QUINN: (friendly) Hey, Daria! What are you up to?
DARIA: Not that it's any of your business, but I'm going to see Jane.
QUINN: At the mall?
DARIA: Yes, Quinn, at the mall. And no, I can't give you a ride, because I have no car. If you hurry, though, we could take the bus together. You like the bus, don't you?
QUINN: Hey, I have an idea! Why don't I call a friend and we can both get a ride to the Mall together!
DARIA: As delicious as the idea of spending time with you and any of your friends sounds, I believe I'll take my chances on the bus with the homeless drunks and the mentally ill.
QUINN: Um… Daria?
DARIA: (getting a bit impatient) Yes, Quinn?
QUINN: I just… (sighs) never mind.
DARIA: I never do. (she leaves)
INT: MALL FOOD COURT
Daria is sitting over a plate of cheese fries, eating them without much interest.
JANE: Yo!
Daria looks up. Jane approaches the table.
DARIA: Hello, person who looks like Jane. The real Jane was going to be here almost an hour ago, so I know you can't be her.
JANE: Hey, it's not easy to transform a folding conference table, a dress rack, and a couple of hubcaps into a UFO on short notice. God, I'm starving.
DARIA: Starving artist. I get it.
JANE: (stuffing her face with cheese fries) You know what, I think I know why artists are all starving. It's not just that we don't have any money, it's that we don't stop to eat. (she steals Daria's soft drink and guzzles it) Now that I've consumed your dinner, mind if we get some seconds? My treat.
DARIA: Your generosity overwhelms me.
JANE: Hey, I might as well take advantage of the five percent mall employee discount.
They get up and get in line for one of the food outlets.
JANE: So, tell me more about this internship.
DARIA: There isn't much to tell, yet. One of my scholarship applications required an internship. Normally I wouldn't have bothered with it, but it's for more money than the rest of them put together, and if I can score this one, my mom might loosen up the purse strings enough to let me get a car.
JANE: You're very hip on this car idea lately, aren't you? I thought you didn't particularly want one. One more thing to worry about and suck up your pocket money, and so forth.
DARIA: Well, I hear it's such a pleasure to drive around in Boston. The other drivers are all so courteous and polite, and the roads clearly marked and easily followed. I just want a way around town, that's all.
JANE: You're not seeing a new guy already, are you? Oh-la-la...
DARIA: Prepare to be badly hurt, Lane.
JANE: Come on, the longer you don't tell me the more curious I get, until finally I'll do something drastic and stupid to find out, and you'll wish you'd just saved us both a lot of aggravation and told me in the first place. So let's just skip a few steps.
DARIA: All right, but I'm telling you under protest.
JANE: Now I'm really interested.
They've got their food by now, and go sit down.
DARIA: You have to promise not to hold this against me.
JANE: I so promise. Now spill.
DARIA: Well, it's a little difficult to take the three buses between Boston and Lawndale, so I figured it would be nice to have my own wheels and that way I could come and go as I pleased.
JANE: Why Daria, are you telling me you're actually going to miss this place? Or is it your family's home cooking?
DARIA: Lawndale? You've got to be kidding. And as for the family, I've been dying to get some time away from them for years. Especially Quinn. (deep breath) No, I think there's only one particular person I'll miss enough to make that sort of drive on a regular basis.
There's an awkward pause.
JANE: Aw, crap. Now how am I going to swallow this food past the big lump in my throat?
DARIA: Just pretend it's my food, you got that down okay without even chewing it.
Unnoticed by Daria and Jane, a girl sitting behind them gets up from her empty table and walks away. When she turns back to look, we see that it's Quinn, dressed incognito in her baseball cap and sunglasses. She looks upset and a little angry.
INT: MORGENDORFFER KITCHEN
Jake is working on the Health Insurance forms at the kitchen table.
JAKE: "Has anyone in your family ever had heart problems?" Damn straight, my old man suffered from a lack of one!
The door opens and shuts out in the living room. Quinn walks into the kitchen and slumps into a chair.
JAKE: Hey, Quinn! Do you know if anyone in the family ever had a cataract?
QUINN: Grandma Ruth does, I think. Oh, never mind, that's an Oldsmobile.
JAKE: Huh?
QUINN: Never mind. (she sighs)
JAKE: Something wrong, sweetie?
QUINN: No.
JAKE: Oh, okay! (he returns to the forms)
Quinn sits looking depressed for a long time before Jake looks up again.
JAKE: Um, Quinn... I'm not very good at this sort of thing, but it really looks like something is wrong...
QUINN: (angry) I'm FINE!!
JAKE: (flinching) Okay! (he returns to the paperwork)
QUINN: (sighs again) I'm sorry, Daddy.
JAKE: About what?
QUINN: Daddy, you know how we see Aunt Rita and Aunt Amy every once in a while, and we send them Christmas cards, and stuff?
JAKE: (wary) Er... yes, I guess we do that.
QUINN: Well, how come we never hear from Uncle Dave? I mean, the only time I've ever even seen him was when cousin Doug got married, and he didn't even recognize me, remember? Oh wait, you had that sudden upset stomach and couldn't go to the wedding.
JAKE: Um... well, you see Quinn, your Uncle Dave and I learned after a while that we just get along better if we don't see each other too often. You know, like, once every twenty years or so.
QUINN: Don't you miss him, though?
JAKE: (obviously lying) Well... sure! But, you know, life goes on, we drifted apart, and that's how the ball bounces sometimes!
QUINN: You two didn't get along when you were kids, did you?
JAKE: (sweating) W-what makes you think that? Of course we got along! I mean, as well as brothers ever do! Sort of...
QUINN: Never mind, Daddy.
JAKE: (relieved) Great!
QUINN: Just... do you think that two sisters - er, I mean siblings - who didn't get along so well as kids might be able to do it as adults, even if one of them didn't really want to?
JAKE: (looking a little pale) Y-you haven't been talking to Uncle Dave or anything, have you?
QUINN: (frustrated) Just forget I mentioned it, Dad. (she leaves the room)
JAKE: Er... Okay! (returns to his paperwork) Hmm... "If this coverage is to extend to spouse, please attach copy of marriage license or other proof of legal marriage; also, attach birth certificates for children"... Now I wonder where we might have put that stuff? Damn legal crap, why did I marry a lawyer if I have to take care of this!
Next Monday...
INT: HELEN'S OFFICE
Helen is on the phone while Marianne types.
HELEN: Look, I don't care what it takes, I don't care how late we have to stay here or how much coffee we need to pour down our throats to keep running, but we will be ready for that meeting! This is the biggest case this firm has ever had and we'd damn well better treat it like that! Now if you're done making excuses, I have another call. (clicks over - her voice is suddenly saccharine) Helloooo, Helen Morgendorffer. (pause) What? What's wrong with it? (pause - then, in a much lower voice) I might have known... no, I'll clear up this little mix-up right away! (hangs up, then dials another number)
INT: JAKE'S OFFICE
Jake has set up an elaborate collection of pencils, rulers, and other office supplies across his desk. Squinting carefully along several different angles, he reaches out and taps the end of a pen. The pen flips up and tosses a quarter into the air, which hits a row of "JAKE MORGENDORPHER CONSULTING" matchbooks (name misspelled), which topple like dominoes, pushing a business card into an electric hole puncher, which shakes a delicately balanced paperweight, which slides down a ruler and strikes a teaspoon, flinging a sugar cube into the air to land in Jake's coffee mug.
JAKE: YES!! Hah!
He takes a celebratory swig of his coffee, then makes a face.
JAKE: Eww! This stuff gets cold after a few hours.
The phone rings. Jake jumps to pick it up, spilling his coffee on his desk.
JAKE: Dammit!
Split-screen with -
HELEN: If that's how you answer all your calls, no wonder business is slow.
JAKE: Oh, hi honey! I just spilled my coffee, you know -
HELEN: Jake, why on Earth did you enclose a copy of our commitment vows in the health insurance application?
JAKE: Well Helen, it said to attach a copy of our marriage license, and I couldn't find it anywhere, so I figured that was the next best thing!
HELEN: This is a legal matter, Jake! Our commitment vows don't qualify as a legally binding document! Besides, the entire H.R. department is snickering about it.
JAKE: Oh! Sorry, honey. So, where is our marriage license?
HELEN: Well, it's - (Helen suddenly turns more than a little pale...)
FLASHBACK
Helen and Jake are curled up together inside a small cave at the beach, a campfire crackling in front of them. Their blanket is pulled up just barely high enough to cover what would have been covered if they were wearing any clothes.
HELEN: Oh Jakey, I feel so complete with you...
JAKE: Me too, Helen. I don't think I've ever felt so in-tune...
HELEN: I can't believe we even considered going to a Justice of the Peace. This was way more meaningful than some sterile civil ceremony, and so much better than Rita's self-indulgent limousines and her cheesy lighted dance floor and damned catered dinner and I could KILL that sister of mine for using up the entire budget for our wedding!
JAKE: Helen, Helen, relax! Listen to the waves; let that sound soothe your soul, baby. Besides, who needs all that legal crap; blood tests, marriage licenses, state-recognized officiators... marriage isn't about signing forms or big materialistic weddings with lousy cake and cheap champagne, it's about two people whom the stars have destined to be together.
HELEN: Oh, Jakey...
They roll over and "honeymoon" some more...
END FLASHBACK
Helen still has the same look on her face.
JAKE: Honey? Are you still there?
HELEN: Jake - we may have a problem.
INT: MORGENDORFFER KITCHEN
Later that same night, Helen and Jake are sitting in the kitchen with lost, shocked looks on their faces, not drinking the coffee in front of them.
JAKE: So... what do we do now?
HELEN: I'm not sure, Jake.
Unbeknownst to them, Daria has just come down the stairs and is heading toward the kitchen. She stops in the doorway when she hears...
JAKE: Is there some lawyer trick you can pull to make it legal retroactively, you know, as if we've been, er, legal since then?
HELEN: Well, yes, but it would take a while. There's an enormous amount of paperwork to fill out and it would all be a matter of public record. I'd like to try and keep this quiet. And imagine if the girls found out... they'd be devastated!
Daria is so intrigued at this point that she doesn't notice Quinn coming up behind her.
QUINN: Daria, what -
DARIA: Shh!
HELEN: What was that?
Daria gives Quinn a glare and then steps out.
DARIA: Hi, mom. Hi, Dad.
JAKE: Oh, Daria! It's all right, you weren't really conceived in sin! It was a beautiful moment of sharing and tenderness and -
DARIA: Dad, are you deliberately trying to give me nightmares for the rest of my life and preclude any possibility whatsoever of grandchildren? What the hell is this all about?
Helen gives Jake a glare very similar to the one Daria just gave Quinn.
HELEN: Girls, come in and sit down.
They do.
HELEN: It seems that there's been a bit of a... how shall I put this?
DARIA: Based on what I overheard, which admittedly isn't much, I'd lean towards "screw-up".
HELEN: Daria!
QUINN: Will one of you just say what's going on? It's late and I need to get my beauty sleep!
JAKE: Your mother and I, well...
HELEN: Oh God, how can we put this?
QUINN: Wait a minute. You're not going to have another baby, are you? I really don't think I could handle being the middle child, Mom! I read a book once that says the middle child has the hardest burden and always gets ignored and I don't think I could make that adjustment at this point in my life!
JAKE: Oh, no! Another child born out of wedlock? My poor mother's going to have a stroke!
HELEN: Jake!
DARIA: "Out of wedlock"? Did you two get divorced and forget to tell us? If so, I'd like to point out that I am over eighteen and therefore the only custody battle that needs to take place is over Quinn. Of course, Mom's got all the lawyers on her side and will undoubtably win, so I'd suggest we just give her to Dad now and avoid a lengthy legal dispute that will only serve to deplete my college fund.
HELEN: We did not get divorced!
JAKE: Yeah! We would have had to be married in the first place to do that!
HELEN: JAKE!!
Silence all around.
QUINN: (small voice) Dad's just confused again, isn't he Mom? Please say he is!
HELEN: (sighs) No, he's not, unfortunately. I just found out that our commitment ceremony wasn't legally binding. I'm afraid that, under the law, we aren't actually married and never have been.
QUINN: What??!?
DARIA: Excuse me, Mom, but that doesn't make sense on a lot of levels. You are a lawyer, aren't you? How did you miss something like this?
HELEN: Well, I wasn't a lawyer at the time, Daria! And by the time I got into law school, I was so used to thinking of your father and myself as being married that it simply didn't occur to me to go back and take care of the legalities.
DARIA: And the reason you didn't take care of them in the first place was...
JAKE: We were kind of different people back then, kiddo. We were trying to shun all the ideas of the materialistic, bureaucratic world. We were married in each other's eyes, we figured that was all that mattered.
QUINN: You know, even though you're our parents, I have to admit that sounds really romantic...
DARIA: Not the word I would've used, but in the interest of preserving what little family unity we have left, I'll go along with it.
HELEN: Daria, our family unity is perfectly intact. Your father and I still love each other very much and nothing has changed that.
DARIA: Whatever you say, Miss Barksdale.
HELEN: Daria!
QUINN: So, what are you guys going to do about it? I mean, I can't have unmarried parents, I'm just not the broken-home kind of girl. Daria, maybe, but not me.
Daria scowls at Quinn, but says nothing.
HELEN: Well, we're going to sort it all out, obviously. But in the meantime, I think the easiest thing to do will be for your father and me to get re-married in a simple civil ceremony just to straighten things out for the short term.
DARIA: Hear that, Quinn? Mom just endorsed the idea of a quick marriage as an easy solution to a problem. Remember that one, you'll probably need to use it someday.
Quinn frowns at Daria this time.
HELEN: It'll need to be with a judge who doesn't know me, of course, so we'll be leaving town for a day or two sometime in the next couple of weeks. Until then, let's just all try to act as though everything is normal.
DARIA: I'm not sure I know how to act that way. I've never experienced such a thing.
JAKE: So, we just get married again? Can we do that?
DARIA: Sure, Dad. Hop a flight to Vegas, book ten minutes in the Little Chapel of the Flowers, and next thing you know you're married and you get ten dollars worth of chips besides.
JAKE: Hey, yeah! Let's go to Vegas, Helen!
HELEN: Don't be ridiculous, Jake! We'll just head across the border to Fremont or something. We can probably take care of the whole thing next weekend.
DARIA: Sounds great. Well, I've had my fill of surprises for the night, unless you want to talk about Quinn's having been adopted. I'm off to bed. Gotta get my beauty sleep, you know.
Daria exits, followed shortly by Quinn.
JAKE: Um... Helen? Don't you think it might be kind of fun to have the girls along for this? I mean, they might enjoy seeing their parents get married.
HELEN: Jake, we're going to do this as quickly and simply as possible, end of discussion!
JAKE: But - (he withers under Helen's fiery glare) Yes, dear.
INT: STAIRS
Daria and Quinn head up the stairs to bed.
QUINN: This is so weird. I can't believe Mom and Dad were never really married. It's kind of creepy, you know?
DARIA: Whatever.
QUINN: Come on, Daria, you can't just take this in stride like you do everything else. This is major.
DARIA: Right now, all I give a crap about is being horizontal and unconscious for the next eight to ten hours, with an option to renew for another two at the end of the lease.
QUINN: Daria, why do you always have to talk like such a geek?
DARIA: Because it keeps you from wanting to converse with me. (she enters her room and closes the door)
QUINN: Wait! I didn't mean -
Quinn stops short of going into Daria's room after her, and goes off to bed with her shoulders slumped.
A moment later, Daria looks out of her room. Her expression is neutral, but one gets the idea that it's covering up what would be a sadly thoughtful face. Then, as if re-affirming some decision she's already made, Daria shakes her head minutely and ducks back into her room.
INT: MORGENDORFFER KITCHEN
It's the next morning. Daria rubs her eyes as she comes into the kitchen.
QUINN: Hi Daria!
DARIA: Aah!!!
QUINN: Aah!!!
DARIA: (a little calmer) Dammit Quinn, don't be so cheerful first thing in the morning! I can only take so much before noon.
QUINN: Well excuuuse me! Next time I won't make you any damn coffee.
DARIA: Who says there's going to be a next - you made coffee?
QUINN: Mm-hm. You like it with two sugars and cream, right?
DARIA: (wary) Um... close enough. (she takes the coffee cup and sits down)
QUINN: I just thought we could, you know, chit-chat a little before you go off to your internship and I go do whatever I'm going to do today.
DARIA: What do you want?
QUINN: Daria, can't a sister just sit and talk to her sister without having an agenda?
DARIA: If it's money, I'm broke. If it's a ride to the mall, Mom and Dad took both cars and I'm not going to wake up Jane at this hour. She worked late last night.
QUINN: I don't want anything from you!
DARIA: Good, then I can go watch TV.
QUINN: (pouting) Why can't we have a simple conversation, Daria?
DARIA: Because we don't have that kind of relationship. We're combative, incommunicative and mutually repellant. (She sips her coffee)
QUINN: But what if -
Daria forcefully spits her coffee all over the table, hitting Quinn rather generously.
QUINN: EEEEWWWW!!
DARIA: Augh!! Ugh!!!! What the hell is in this coffee?
QUINN: Oh God, it's all over me!
Daria dips in her spoon and scrapes a heavy glop of grounds off the bottom of the cup.
DARIA: Quinn, where did you get the idea that I prefer my coffee sliced?
QUINN: It's not my fault! The directions must be messed up! It said to use two scoops of grounds!
DARIA: That's two scoops to a pot, you moron. And haven't you ever heard of coffee filters?
QUINN: Hey, I've never made coffee by myself before! I think I did a pretty good job for my first time!
DARIA: If only your first time crossing the street had met with similar success...
QUINN: Ohh!! (she pushes away from the table and stomps out of the kitchen)
Daria glares after her, and then gets up and scoops the ooze from her coffee cup down the drain.
INT: DARIA'S ROOM
It's about two hours later. Daria's talking on the phone.
DARIA: So, how'd the window come out?
JANE: One of my finest works. The ladies' department is green with envy. They want me to top it by next weekend, so I'm thinking I'll do something with swimwear. That reminds me, can I borrow your tape of "Jaws 3-D" for inspiration?
DARIA: Take it and keep it.
Unbeknownst to Daria, Quinn has come by her room and stops just outside the door, listening.
JANE: No thanks, someone might stumble across it and think it's mine. So, anything new with you?
DARIA: You might say that. (pause) Hmm, I don't even know where to begin on this one.
JANE: That juicy, huh?
DARIA: Try this: My parents have been living in sin for the past twenty-five years. In a few days, they celebrate the silver anniversary of the day they didn't get married.
JANE: Whoa. That's even more screwed up than my family. My hat's off to you, Morgendorffer.
DARIA: You mean, "Barksdale". Anyway, they're planning on going off and getting hitched in a couple of days, just to make everything legal. This time, they'll probably do it without the incense.
JANE: Well, you seem to be taking this all in stride.
DARIA: I'm actually of the same mind as they are on this, which is scary but true. It's just paperwork. It's not a big deal. Quinn's really got her panties in a wad over it, though.
Quinn frowns a bit.
JANE: Really? How's the little bastard handling it?
DARIA: She keeps wanting to talk to me.
JANE: The nerve.
DARIA: How about I have her go talk to you instead?
JANE: Okay, point taken. Listen, it seems to be the story of our lives this summer, but I have to go. Work.
DARIA: This summer sucks.
JANE: It could be worse. It has been worse.
DARIA: And it could be worse than that. Don't ever think you've reached rock bottom. There's always more bottom under the rocks.
JANE: You're really missing your calling. You could make a killing writing fortune cookies.
DARIA: Later.
She hangs up. Then she hears a noise outside her door. When she looks, Quinn is already gone.
INT: QUINN'S ROOM
Quinn closes the door, picks up the phone, and stares at it, thinking...
Blur to Quinn's imagination...
Split-screen with Sandi.
QUINN: Sandi? You wouldn't believe what happened! It turns out my parents were never really married! Can you believe it? My life is over!
SANDI: Oh Quinn, that's too, too bad.
QUINN: I know! I'm like, all traumatized! I just had to tell someone, I can't go through this by myself!
SANDI: Quinn, you know I'm always there for you. If you need to talk to someone, don't hesitate to call.
QUINN: You are such a good friend, Sandi!
SANDI: I know. Oops, is that my call waiting? Excuse me.
Sandi hangs up, then dials another number.
SANDI: Hello, Operator? Put me through to everyone Quinn's ever known. (pause) Hello, everyone? This is Sandi, Quinn's former acquaintance. I just wanted to let you all know that Quinn has just discovered that she comes from a broken home, and will almost certainly be living in a state of severe depression from now on. Therefore, I will be assuming the duties of the most popular person in Lawndale High. You may all begin groveling to me... now.
Groveling noises over the phone. Sandi smirks proudly, then begins to laugh loud and wickedly. Lightning flashes over her head -
Snap back to reality:
QUINN: No. Bad idea.
She begins imagining a different scenario...
Split-screen with Stacy.
QUINN: So it turns out they were never really married! My life is over!
STACY: Oh God, Quinn, that's terrible! (tears well up in Stacy's eyes)
QUINN: I know! I'm so glad I have a friend like you to count on at a time like this.
STACY: This is so awful, though! How can you even stand it?
QUINN: Oh, I'll manage, somehow.
STACY: But what if you can't? What if they decide that they just want to stay unmarried and then there's this big custody battle and you turn into this bitter and rebellious freak who wears black leather and listens to death rock and you end up hanging around greasy guys who -
QUINN: Um, Stacy, this isn't helping...
STACY: - make you get tattoos which you really hate but you get them anyway because it makes your parents angry and that's really all you live for anymore, and then one day you realize that your whole life has just gone straight into the gutter and you just hate yourself and you want to die! Oh God, Quinn, please don't die!!
QUINN: Stacy, I'm not dying.
STACY: But how? How can you go on this way?? (she collapses in tears)
Back to reality:
QUINN: Uh-uh.
Imagining...
QUINN: So they're not really
married! What am I going to do?
TIFFANY: Bummer, Quinn. So, did you see the new swimsuits at Junior Five?
QUINN: Tiffany, I just told you my parents are living in sin and all you can say is "bummer"?
TIFFANY: Well, it's a bad thing, isn't it?
QUINN: TIFFANY! Of course it's a bad thing!
TIFFANY: And I got that... so, why are you yelling at me?
QUINN: Never mind, Tiffany. Just never mind.
TIFFANY: So, you want to go check out the swimsuits?
Reality:
QUINN: My life so sucks.
Quinn lies back on her bed, hanging her head backwards over the edge, rubbing her face with exasperation. When she opens her eyes, she sees something that catches her attention. On a small shelf against one wall are a number of pictures in frames. Most of them are of her and her friends, but one small wallet-sized photo hidden way back behind the others shows her and Daria when they were much younger - and one more person, a little taller than Quinn but with the same red hair. Quinn takes the picture and looks at it for a while, and seems to come to a decision. She sits up and dials the phone.
QUINN: Hello, Erin? It's your cousin, Quinn.
END PART ONE
(to be continued...)
DISCLAIMERS:
Daria and associated characters are the property of MTV which, in turn, is the property of Viacom. Characters are used without permission. The fact that MTV and Viacom are aware of Daria fan websites with fanfic content and choose not to take action against such sites is taken as implicit permission to use their characters in stories such as this one.
This story is Copyright 2002 by Mike Yamiolkoski and may be distributed freely only in its entirety and with the above notices intact.
Contact the author at MikeYamiolkoski@msn.com. Comments, reviews, and particularly ILLUSTRATIONS are always welcome!
