a Daria fanfic
by
Mike Yamiolkoski
PART TWO
INT: HELEN'S OFFICE
Helen is speaking to several staff members.
HELEN: All right everyone, this is it. First, I just want to let you all know how much I appreciate the extra work everyone's been churning out. Thanks to all of you, we are going to go into that meeting ready to kick some serious tail. Just remember that this case is the make-it-or-break-it for this firm, the biggest case we've ever had. We win this one and it could mean a whole new level of clientele for me - er, the firm. So, let's put our best foot forward, keep the professionalism, and -
ERIC: Helen!
HELEN: Eric! (she's annoyed at having been interrupted, but covering well) Come to give a little rallying support for the troops? We're all set to go!
ERIC: Great, great! Helen, can I borrow you for a moment? (leads her aside) There's this woman out here who won't leave until she talks to you.
HELEN: Eric, we're about to go into the Pharmacon meeting, can't it wait?
ERIC: She's being a little belligerent. She says that if we won't let her in to see you, she's going to force her way in. She's already accused two of the interns of manhandling her while trying to keep her out. I'd have called security, but she insists that if we tell you who she is that you'll agree to see her.
HELEN: (losing a little cool) Who the hell is it?
VOICE: (from outside) Let go of me! I need to see Helen!
HELEN: Funny, that almost sounds like -
RITA: (bursting in) Helen!
HELEN: Rita? What on Earth are you doing here?
RITA: Helen! Oh, my poor, poor little sister!
Rita grabs Helen in a fierce, tearful hug.
HELEN: Rita! Rita, you're choking me!
RITA: Don't worry Helen, it'll be all right! I'll help you through this! I've been there before, and I won't let you go through it all alone!
The staff perks up and shows some interest in this unusual display.
ERIC: Helen, is there some personal matter you need to attend to?
HELEN: No, Eric, it's nothing! Rita, this really isn't a good time!
RITA: I know! It always happens at the worst possible time, doesn't it? Your little girl is failing English, the mortgage is two months behind, the dog's been hit by a car, you've got a terrible rash, and then from out of nowhere, your marriage falls apart! Oh Helen, I'm so sorry!
ERIC: Hmm... perhaps I should handle the meeting...
HELEN: NO! I mean, no, thank you, Eric. Rita, get a hold of yourself! What are you talking about?
RITA: Now Helen, it's nothing to be ashamed of! You're a modern woman with her own strength and her own values, and it's no wonder Jake couldn't handle it! You know, to tell you the truth, I never liked him much anyway, you're really better off without him.
HELEN: (seriously agitated) RITA!!
Chuckles from the staff.
ERIC: Look, Helen, Mr. Royce is waiting for us. Why don't you sort out this matter and I'll take care of the initial meeting with Pharmacon, all right? We'll just be introducing ourselves and shaking hands at this stage anyway, and it sounds to me like you have a few things to deal with here. Rita, was it? A pleasure to meet you. All right, team, let's go make a great first impression!
HELEN: No, wait Eric! It's not what it sounds like! It's not that big a deal! ERIC!!
Unfortunately, Eric is gone.
RITA: Don't worry about that, Helen, it's being taken care of. We need to focus on you here. Come on, let's go get some lunch together, and you can tell me all about it.
HELEN: Rita, do you have any idea what you've done?
RITA: It'll be all right, Helen, I promise. Now let's go, everyone's looking at us.
HELEN: (angrily) Imagine that.
RITA: You know, we really should go talk about this in private.
HELEN: You don't say.
RITA: I just wish you'd come to me sooner, Helen!
HELEN: Rita, if you say one more word, I won't be responsible for my actions.
RITA: You need some time to let it sink in. I understand. It can wait until we get to a restaurant.
Helen allows Rita to lead her out past her snickering, smirking colleagues, looking wistfully back at the conference room where Eric is shaking hands with the President of Pharmacon.
HELEN: Why me? Oh God, why me?
RITA: Believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
INT: RESTAURANT
Helen and Rita are sitting at a table. Helen has what looks like a glass of water, while Rita is drinking something huge and ornate with a paper umbrella.
HELEN: So as you can see, Rita, it really isn't a big deal. It's all a matter of legalities. Jake and I just need to take care of some paperwork that's been overlooked.
RITA: "Not a big deal"? Helen, you're getting married, this is wonderful!
HELEN: Rita, I got married twenty-five years ago. We just didn't sign all the documents.
RITA: Oh, come on, Helen! How many women get the chance to marry their husband all over again at the age of -
HELEN: Don't you dare!
RITA: The point is, you've got the chance of a lifetime here! Look, you've always said that you didn't have the money to do your wedding the way you wanted to the first time -
HELEN: (rolling her eyes) I wonder why that was?
RITA: - and now you can! Besides, think of what it would mean to Mom to finally be able to see you get married, even if it is to Jake.
HELEN: Oh, you think she might show up this time? That'd be a switch - wait, what am I saying? Rita, there's not going to be a big wedding, and I'd just as soon Mother not know about this.
RITA: Don't be ridiculous, Helen - she's already making arrangements to fly out. Now, you're going to need someone to -
HELEN: She's WHAT??
Helen's outburst draws a fair amount of attention from the other patrons in the restaurant.
RITA: Hmm, that reminds me, she's going to need to be told that you and Jake aren't on the rocks after all. Anyway, as I was saying, you're going to need someone to coordinate all this, and fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area, so you can just leave it all to me. (pause) What do you mean, you wonder why that was?
HELEN: Rita, just how many people did you tell about this?
RITA: Well, there's Mom, and Amy of course, and Uncle Albert was visiting with Mom so he probably got wind of it too, and I assume Erin told that little twit she married, she never could keep her mouth shut.
HELEN: I wonder where she gets that from?
RITA: Then of course there's the McNeils, I think Mom would have mentioned it to them, and Mrs. Willoughby has probably heard by now and you know that she runs that gossip column and never did have a sense of decorum, so I would imagine that quite a few people will know about it by next Friday.
HELEN: Is there anyone you didn't tell?
RITA: Come on, Helen, I know this is kind of embarrassing and humiliating and you just want to crawl under a table and die. But now that it's a wedding, isn't it just as well people know about it? (pause) What do you mean, you wonder where she gets that from?
HELEN: Rita, I really don't want you to go through all this trouble!
RITA: Helen, Helen, it's no trouble at all! Besides, that's what the Maid of Honor is there for. Now come on, there's a million things to do, we need to go find a hall, and get the cake, and pick out a dress, and get a car, and by the way, can I borrow your cell phone? I should probably call and tell Mom that you're not getting divorced. Before Mrs. Willoughby's column goes to press.
Helen's expression is similar to that of a person who suddenly realizes they're waist-deep in quicksand.
INT: WALLEN & SHANE PUBLISHING COMPANY, DARIA'S DESK
Daria's cubicle is occupied by Daria, her desk, and several large banker boxes labeled "Slush Pile". Daria chucks the manuscript she'd been reading into a large can marked "REJECTS" and takes another one from the box.
DARIA: It's a shame, really. All this paper had such great potential. It could have ended up on a little roll in a truck-stop lavatory. (reading) "The Dark and Stormy Night." Oh yeah, this one's gonna be a real page-turner.
The phone rings.
DARIA: (picks it up) Wallen and Shane, Daria speaking. (pause) Hi, Mom. (pause) She is? I thought you and Dad were going to keep this quiet. (pause) Uh-huh. Well, the last time I checked, a decent housekeeping service charges fifty bucks an hour. (pause) Forty. (pause) Thirty. (pause) Done. I'll have the guest room made up by the time you and Aunt Rita get home. (pause) Mom, if I tell Dad not to cook, I'll have to tell him why, and he'll go live in the garage again. Is that really what you want? (pause) Okay, I'll hide the wok and the crock pot. (pause) And the vodka. (pause) Yeah, I'll be done here in about an hour, then it's a forty-minute bus ride to travel the same distance I could cover in ten minutes with a car. (pause) I wasn't aware I had any luck to press. Bye.
INT: MORGENDORFFER GUEST ROOM
Daria is making the bed.
DARIA: The things I do to get some actual money.
Quinn enters.
QUINN: Daria, why are you making the guest room bed? You don't even make your own bed.
DARIA: Aunt Rita's coming over to help Mom plan her wedding to Dad. Jane was right - I should go into fortune cookies.
QUINN: Aunt Rita? How did - I mean, how interesting... Do you think Aunt Amy's coming too?
Quinn starts helping with the bed.
DARIA: Probably, though I'm no longer convinced that means things are on the upswing. Aunt Amy by herself is something I can almost look forward to, but combined with Aunt Rita and Mom... things could get very ugly.
QUINN: Well, maybe it won't be so bad. I mean, they all did sort of bury the hatchet on the last visit. Maybe it'll be kind of fun!
DARIA: Fun? Quinn, if life has taught me anything, it's that nothing tears a family apart like bringing them together. This summer has officially been downgraded from tolerable to miserable, and I sense "catastrophic" looming on the horizon.
QUINN: What if we offered to help with the wedding too? Maybe we could kind of get control of this before it gets out of hand.
DARIA: "We?" Excuse me, I'm going off to college in less than three months, I have enough to deal with. You, on the other hand, have no job, no internship, no summer plans whatsoever, and you do a lot less shopping than you used to. You want to take on this little project, be my guest. But I don't want to be involved.
QUINN: Um... speaking of shopping, I was kind of thinking that you might want to get some new stuff for college, and well, I'm pretty good at shopping, so maybe we could do it together?
DARIA: (looks strangely at Quinn) Quinn, what's going on with you lately?
QUINN: Nothing! I just, well, thought I could help you pick out some nice new outfits and stuff.
DARIA: Last time I checked, you have three very popular, if virtually brain-dead, friends who live to shop. Why the hell are you pestering me? (Daria finishes with the bed) I have to go hide Dad's cookware and spice rack. Go make yourself useful and put some sheets on the sofa-bed, okay? I have a sinking feeling we're going to need it before long.
Daria exits.
QUINN: (sigh)
INT: LIVING ROOM
Daria comes out of the kitchen as Jake enters and sets down his briefcase.
JAKE: Hey, kiddo!
DARIA: Hi Dad. Here, I made you a martini.
JAKE: Wow, thanks! You know, there was a time when a man came home from work and there would be his slippers, the newspaper, his favorite chair, and a good martini. It makes you yearn for the good old days.
DARIA: Don't strain yourself with all that yearning. This is a one-time event, and the slippers and newspaper will cost extra.
JAKE: (he takes the glass and sips it) Hmm... you know Daria, not to complain, but there's rather more gin in here than I usually prefer. It's a wee bit strong.
DARIA: You'll thank me for it later.
JAKE: Huh?
Helen enters, followed by Rita.
RITA: I hope you don't mind my staying the night, Helen. I left home so quickly, I never arranged for a hotel room.
HELEN: Well, as long as it's just for one night...
RITA: Then again, with all the planning we have to do, maybe I should just stick around. We can get a lot more done that way.
JAKE: Um, Daria? Do you think I could get a refill, here? And a bit more gin would be great.
The Next Day...
INT: HELEN'S OFFICE
Helen is working even more frantically than usual, talking on the phone while signing papers with her right hand hand flipping through a stack of briefs with her left.
HELEN: (to phone) I don't have time for these kinds of delays, dammit! There are times when overnight delivery just isn't fast enough. I don't care if you have to stand there and feed a five-hundred-page document through the fax machine, I don't care if you have to get on an airplane and carry it here yourself, I need that report in my hands within the hour or we will lose this case and every client we have will walk! So get your butt in gear! (slams phone down) Marianne, get me the district attorney's office NOW, if not sooner!
MARIANNE: Right away! (she spins away from her computer where she's been typing up a storm, and dials a number on her phone)
HELEN: Dammit, I can't believe I wasted a whole damn day when there's so much to do around here! I could kill that sister of mine! Well, there's nothing else for it, we'll just have to put in the overtime.
MARIANNE: Um, Helen, forgive me for saying so, but isn't today -
HELEN: Do you have the D.A. or not??
MARIANNE: Eep! I mean, line three!
HELEN: Fine, then! (she snatches up the phone) This is Helen Morgendorffer. (pause) No, I won't hold, put me through to the assistant D.A. right now or I'll take it out on him when we go to court - and buster, you don't want to face me when I'm in a good mood, let alone when I have something to prove!
Eric pops his head in.
ERIC: Hey, Helen!
HELEN: (puts hand over phone - her voice is suddenly forced into sweetness) Eric, hi! What brings you here?
ERIC: Just wanted to see what the cloud of paperwork flowing out your door was all about! (laughs at his own joke) Seriously, Helen, I've lined up a dinner meeting with Mr. Royce this coming Saturday, and he really wants to meet you since he couldn't at the meeting yesterday. Think you can make it?
HELEN: You know I will, Eric!
ERIC: Knew I could count on you, Helen! Oh, and Mr. Royce generally prefers to dine out in a tuxedo, so wear something.. elegant, rather than businesslike.
HELEN: (raises an eyebrow) Really? You don't think that would be giving the wrong impression?
ERIC: Trust me, Helen, it's the best way to go. (tugs his collar a bit) And, if you don't mind my saying so, I would imagine you present a fine image in a formal dress -
HELEN: (suddenly back on the phone) What? Well, put him on, then! I'm not holding the phone because I have a thing for muzak, you know! (back to Eric) I'm sorry, what were you saying?
ERIC: (clears throat) Nothing, nothing. (Eric backs out of the office, clearly a bit flustered)
HELEN: All right then, Eric! (she goes back to the phone) Hello? Yes, this is Helen Morgendorffer, is this the assistant D.A.? (pause) Well, get me his assistant then! Honestly, I can't imagine how these people get appointed to their jobs.
The other phone rings - Marianne gets it.
MARIANNE: Helen Morgendorffer's office. (pause) I'm afraid she's on another line at the moment, may I take a message? (pause) I, er, really can't interrupt her when she's on another call unless it's an emergency.
HELEN: Who is it, Marianne?
MARIANNE: May I ask who's calling? (pause, then to Helen) It's your sister. She says it's very urgent.
HELEN: Tell her to hold a moment - (into phone) Yes, this is Helen Morgendorffer. (pause) Look, I don't care if he's indisposed, I don't care if he's in Saskatchewan, get me some variety of assistant D.A. before I have to come down there myself and break his door down!
MARIANNE: Yes, I'll have Helen for you in a moment.
HELEN: Here, Marianne, you hold for the D.A. while I find out what the hell my sister wants.
Marianne hits a few buttons on her phone, switching the calls.
HELEN: Rita? What's the matter, are the girls all right?
Split-screen with Rita
RITA: How should I know? They were out the door without so much as a "Good Morning". Great kids you've raised, Helen.
HELEN: Rita, I'm really terribly busy, could you get to the point please?
RITA: Well, excuse me! I just thought you might want to know that I've gotten a jump start on your wedding plans and set up a few appointments for the evening. We'll be heading into town to look at some halls and try out some caterers.
HELEN: This evening? Rita, tonight is my twenty-fifth anniversary! Jake and I have plans!
RITA: (snorts) Twenty-fifth anniversary of what? Come on, Helen, what's more important, the wedding that wasn't or the one that will be? Of course, if you just want me to handle it -
HELEN: NO! I mean, I wouldn't want you to take on that responsibility alone, of course. But couldn't we re-schedule it for some other time?
MARIANNE: Helen? I have the assistant D.A. on the line.
RITA: How much time do you think we have here, Helen? I mean, I assumed you wanted this done quickly. If I cancel these appointments now, we might not be able to line them up again for weeks. I really hadn't planned on staying that long, you know.
HELEN: Weeks? Oh, no. I mean, all right, we'll do it tonight. Jake and I can make new plans, I suppose.
MARIANNE: (on phone) She'll be right with you. Helen?
HELEN: Rita, I have to go. Just don't set up any appointments for this weekend until I have the chance to figure things out with Jake, all right? Good-bye! (sighs heavily, then hangs up) All right, Marianne, send me the call.
MARIANNE: Um... I already did.
Helen looks at her phone, which she's just hung up, and puts her hand to her forehead.
INT: MORGENDORFFER HOME
Rita is on the phone.
RITA: Uh-huh. So the hall seats three hundred? Don't you have anything larger than that? (pause) Sure, my budget's flexible! (pause) Hmm... can I get back to you on that? Oh, that's my call waiting, hold on. (click) Hello? Oh yes, I was expecting your call. So, you'll be able to send someone by this afternoon with your cake catalogue?
Jake comes down the stairs in a tuxedo that's obviously way too small for him.
JAKE: Er... Rita, have you heard from Helen yet?
RITA: Jake, do you mind, I'm trying to plan your wedding here! And you stink like mothballs besides. (pause, then into phone) No, that was the groom. When will the men learn that they should just stay out of this? Anyway, we don't even want to look at anything smaller than three tiers, and preferably for a party of at least four hundred.
Jake sighs, and starts to head up the stairs.
The doorbell rings.
JAKE: I'll get it!
He runs down the stairs and grabs a large bouquet of roses off the table by the door, then opens it.
JAKE: For you, my darling!
Jake thrusts the flowers out the door, where they are gently moved aside by...
DARIA: Um, thanks, Dad. Shall I put them in water right away?
JAKE: Huh? Oh, Daria! (turns red) Sorry, I thought you were... I mean...
DARIA: Relax, Dad. Just be glad you came to the door fully clothed. I know I am.
RITA: (still in the phone) Well, that's a good cake, but I'm thinking more along the lines of a great cake. Look, I have to get back to the caterer, just send someone by at around four o'clock. And make sure they're on time, I have places to go tonight. (click) All right, I hope you've been able to find a bigger hall for me.
JAKE: How does my tux look, Daria? I've had it in storage for a while and I had to suck in the ol' paunch a bit, but I think it still works!
DARIA: It stands proudly and says "I am".
RITA: (phone) Now that's more like what I had in mind! So let's talk about food. We'll need at least four different choices on the menu, and a vegetarian dish for Helen's weird hippie friends.
DARIA: Why are you all dressed up already, anyway? It's only one o'clock.
JAKE: Well, we were going to get an early start on the evening, but it looks like your mother's a little late -
RITA: (off phone) Big surprise there. (back on phone) Don't you think there could be a seafood option? We've got family coming in from the east coast, they might want some kind of shellfish.
JAKE: But, the dinner reservations aren't until six o'clock. I guess we'll just skip the carriage ride in the park.
DARIA: If it's all the same to you, Dad, I'd just as soon not hear the full itinerary. There are certain things a girl just shouldn't know about her parents.
Daria heads upstairs.
RITA: (phone) What do you mean, cash bar? Excuse me, but I think it's a little uncouth to expect the guests to pay for their own drinks! (pause) That's more like it. Now, for the champagne toast, we'll need to make sure we get something that people won't be talking behind our backs about.
JAKE: Um, Rita? I'd kind of like to use the phone for a moment.
RITA: (into phone) Plastic glasses? And I suppose we'll be eating off paper plates as well?
JAKE: I'd, er, kind of like to call Helen, you know, and see what's keeping her.
RITA: Excuse me. (to Jake) I'm in the middle of planning your wedding here, Jake! I'd like to think that's a little more important than whatever's up your butt. (into phone) Look, I want to see the good china, I want to drink out of fine crystal, I want to see some napkin rings, dammit! I thought you were called the Grand Hotel for a reason!
The front door opens, and Quinn comes in.
QUINN: Hi Daddy! Wow, you look great! Even if that tux is a little, you know, eighties.
JAKE: Oh, Quinn! Can I borrow your cell phone?
QUINN: Um, okay. But if I go over my minutes this month, it's not my fault anymore.
JAKE: Thanks! (he takes her little pink phone and dials a number) Hello? Is this the offices of Schrecter, Schrecter, Screc- oh, it is? Great, can I talk to Helen Morgendorffer please? (pause) What do you mean, she can't come to the phone? This is her husband, dammit! (pause) You did? Oh, well, we wrote them ourselves, I've always been rather proud of that... er, can you please put Helen on the phone? (pause) Sure, I'll hold.
RITA: (into phone) Tell you what, why don't we just reserve a whole floor? We'll have enough out-of-town guests to fill the spots, not to worry.
The clock on the mantelpiece reads one-thirty.
Time passes...
The clock reads quarter after four.
Daria comes back down to find her father seated on the stairs in his tuxedo with Quinn's phone held to his ear. Rita is on the sofa with a representative of a bakery, looking over a book filled with pictures of wedding cakes. Quinn is not there.
DARIA: Um... hi, Dad. Where's Mom?
JAKE: What? (forced good cheer) Oh, hey kiddo! Um, your Mom's apparently been held up at the office, you know how it is. I'm just on hold here right now.
DARIA: On hold? Mom has a hold feature on her cell phone? I guess I'm not surprised.
JAKE: Cell phone? Oh yeah! I could call her there! Thanks, kiddo!
DARIA: Don't mention it. Well, I'll just be heading over to Jane's like I planned.
JAKE: Sure thing! (he hangs up and dials the cell phone instead)
Another phone rings.
JAKE: Oh, Rita, could you get that?
RITA: Jake, how many times do I have to remind you how much I have going on here? You have no idea how much planning a modern wedding requires, and your pointless interruptions aren't making things any easier! (points in cake catalog) Could you do that one, but with an extra tier? And maybe some of those column things in between.
CATERER: Of course!
JAKE: But it's coming from your purse! And I'm trying to reach Helen!
RITA: Oh, all right! (she picks a phone out of her purse) Hello?
JAKE: Hello? Helen? Is that you?
RITA: (looks at phone, then at Jake) Jake, you imbecile.
JAKE: Aw, Helen, what have I done now?
Rita hangs up the cell phone and shakes her head. Just then -
HELEN: (bursting in) I'm here! Thank God, I never thought I'd get out of that office.
JAKE: (suddenly happy) Helen! Um... here, these are for you! (he thrusts the flowers at her - one of the buds falls off)
HELEN: Oh, Jake, that's so sweet. (she kisses him on the cheek) I hope you're not too disappointed about tonight.
JAKE: Aw, you're just a little late. I understand. Come on, we can still make our dinner reservations!
HELEN: Dinner reservations? But - (she turns to Rita) Rita, didn't you even tell him?
RITA: What am I, your secretary?
HELEN: I just think you could have taken half a minute to pass on a little information to my husband, for crying out loud -
RITA: Oh, so it's back to that same old song again, is it? Everything is my fault!
CATERER: Maybe I should come back some other time...
HELEN: Rita, is it too much to ask for you to not think about yourself for one single minute?
RITA: Hey, I've been working on your wedding all day, for your information! And if we don't hurry up, we're going to be late for our appointment with the Grand Hotel!
HELEN: Fine, let's go!
RITA: Fine!
HELEN: Fine!
CATERER: I'll just be leaving now...
HELEN & RITA: FINE!!
The caterer ducks out quickly.
JAKE: What about dinner?
HELEN: What about it? (tones down when she realizes she's shouting at Jake) Oh. I'm sorry, dear. Just come along, I'll have to explain on the way.
RITA: As long as we take separate cars. I've had enough of his whining today.
HELEN: Oh, for the love of God, Rita -
The front door slamming behind Helen cuts her off. The living room is left empty.
After a moment, Quinn comes out of the kitchen, obviously having heard the whole thing. She looks very, very unhappy.
END PART TWO
(to be continued...)
DISCLAIMERS:
Daria and associated characters are the property of MTV which, in turn, is the property of Viacom. Characters are used without permission. The fact that MTV and Viacom are aware of Daria fan websites with fanfic content and choose not to take action against such sites is taken as implicit permission to use their characters in stories such as this one.
This story is Copyright 2002 by Mike Yamiolkoski and may be distributed freely only in its entirety and with the above notices intact.
Contact the author at MikeYamiolkoski@msn.com. Comments, reviews, and particularly ILLUSTRATIONS are always welcome!
