***********************************************************************

~ At Ganon's Castle. ~

***********************************************************************

::Ganondorf's theme plays.::

Ganondorf: *Walks down the hall towards into a torture chamber*

Keese: *Blubbers as his head is thrusted into a tank of Like-likes*

Ganondorf: That's enough. He's ready to talk!

Keese: *Grunts as he is thrusted onto a metal table*

Ganondorf: Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Cough, cough. Darn asthma! *Holds up the Keese's amputated legs and plays with them* Run, run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the Keese...uh...man!

Keese: You're a monster!

Ganondorf: Eh? *Quickly changes into Ganon* So I am? But so are you! You and those stupid Hyrule creatures are purifying my horrible, and therefore beautiful world! Now, where are the others!

Keese: Kill me! *Spits on Ganondorf*

Ganon: AAAAAAAAAAARGH! I have tried to be fair to you creatures, and now you bring me no choice.

Keese: You haven't been fair to us.

Ganon: You're right I haven't. Now tell me or I'll-*Grabs the Keese's wing*

Keese: Nuuuuuuu! Not my wing! Not my black, leathery wing!

Ganon: Then tell me where they are!

Keese: Okay, I'll tell! Do you know...the laboratory man?

Ganon: The laboratory man?

Keese: The laboratory man.

Ganon: Yes...I know the laboratory man... The one that lives near Lake Hylia?

Keese: Well, she's married to the laboratory man.

Ganon: The laboratory man?

Keese: The laboratory man!

Ganon: So she's married to the laboratory man-wait, let's stop this. I don't even know who "she" is and it's really riddin' me out.

Keese: Okay.

Bunch of Stalfos: *Burst into door* My Lord, we have found it!

Ganon: Then bring it in, you dumbnuts!

Stalfos #1: *Brings it in, but it is too heavy and it crushes him*

::Harp music plays::

Bunch of Stalfos: Oooh...

Keese: Oooh...

Ganon: *Looks at the genetically-enhanced Magic Mirror from Link to the Past* Magic Mirror...

Keese: Don't tell him anything! *Gets hit with Ganon's tail and falls into a trashcan* Noooo!

Ganon: Good evening! Mirror, mirror, on the wall, isn't this the most un- perfect kingdom of them all?

Magic Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.

Ganon: Um, Iron Knuckle...

Iron Knuckle: *Breaks a mirror*

Magic Mirror: UH, what I mean is all you have to do is marry a princess and you can be king!

Ganon: Go on...

Magic Mirror: So my Lord, just sit back and meet today's eligible bachelorettes and heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere they are!:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Magic Mirror: Bachelorette number one is a mentally-abused shut-in from a ranch far, far away. She likes horses and ponies anytime! Her hobbies include cleaning the stables for the evil Ingo! Please welcome...MALON!

Bachelorette number two is a scale-wearing girl from the land of water! Although she lives with like, nine other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her scaly, slimy lips and find out what a livewire she is! Give it up for...RUTO!

Bachelorette number three is a blue-eyed blonde from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot molten lava, up on top of Death Mountain! But don't let that cool you off; she's a loaded bow who likes impersonating Sheikah and getting caught by evil men. Yours for the rescuing...PRINCESS ZELDA!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Magic Mirror: So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorrette number three?

Bunch of Stalfos: Two! Three! Two! One! Two! Three! Two! Three!

Ganon: One...hrrnnnmm...hmmmm....

Iron Knuckle: Pick three, My Lord!

Ganon: Okay, number three!

Magic Mirror: Lord Ganon....dorf...you have chosen Princess Zelda.

::Music plays and Stalfos cheer::

Ganon: Princess Zelda... She's perfect! All I have to do is find someone who can-

Magic Mirror: Although I do think I should tell you something that happens at night-

Ganon: Yes, I'll do it!

Magic Mirror: Yes, but after sunset-

Ganon: Silence! I will make Zelda my queen and then Dark Hyrule will have the perfect queen! Knuckle, assemble your finest men! We are going to have...a tournament!