Author's Note: I don't own StarFox. Nintendo does. Here's my next fanfic!
None of this is related to real life, though. This will be my second
attempt for a humor fic (the first failed miserably, so I dropped it). When
you see a certain character in this story, note that this is pre-Lylat Wars
(heck, pre-Fox McCloud), so hopefully you can accept him as a "good guy"
before he becomes bad. Sadly, I doubt this fic will be short, because I got
lots of ideas to put down! ^^ The only problems are schoolwork, a crappy
computer that sometimes refuses to upload my fics, and the occasional
writer's block. This fic is rated PG-13 for crude humor, some language, and
Pigma's demented perversion (stoopid piggy. Don't worry, though, the pig
doesn't have much of a part in this chapter!). Please don't sue me if
you'll never see hot-dogs the same way again. Please R&R Thank you.
~Imagen~
Chapter 2: "When Strange Things Happen"
Eight days later...
"James! It's been a while!" General Pepper greeted happily, a big smile on his furry face. He opened his arms open as soon as he saw the StarFox Leader and his wife. He embraced the couple warmly, James and Vixy doing the same. All three were happy to see each other again face-to-face.
The General stepped back, hands on James and Vixy's shoulders. "What brings you two here?"
James grinned. "I just thought I'd might drop by in the Cornerian Base. It's been a while since I've last been here..."
Pepper nodded. "I'm sure I don't mind you being here, but right now I'm a bit busy. Beltino Toad has a new model of air fighter he wants to show me, and I was hoping I would-"
"No problem! I haven't seen Beltino also, I would love to see the new model!" James turned to his wife. "Would you like to also, Vixy?"
The lovely shook her head. "No thanks, to be honest, these things bore me. I'll hang around and wait for you guys, and I'll see you and Beltino then."
"Suit yourself."
***
"I'm hungry..." Vixy murmured as she sat down on a chair after talking with several old friends. However, to them, she was known as James's wife. After a few, "Hi, how are you doing? I'm fine, thank you," type of conversations, everyone else went back to their own business. Vixy immediately grew bored, regretting that she should've went with her husband and General. Maybe Beltino's new model will be more exciting than she thought it would be...
"Are you bored, Vixy?" a deep voice spoke. Vixy nearly jumped in surprise and looked behind her. Standing tall behind the chair the young vixen sat on was a tall, strongly built ape about ten years her senior in a lab coat, wearing a red shirt, white tie, black slacks, and neat loafers. The ape smiled, his red eyes gazing to the vixen. The skin on his face was naturally slightly red, his hair white. Vixy recognized the ape right away.
"Hello, Dr. Andross."
"Feeling uncomfortable, my dear friend?"
"Just bored. And hungry," Vixy said as she leaned back on her chair and stretched her arms and shoulders long, making Andross back up a few steps. He didn't mind, he knew he had to give the young lady her space if he wants to keep her comfortable.
The doctor, a scientist in the field of varieties of technology and a few branches in biology, smiled gently again at the fox. "I have food in my office."
Vixy quickly turn on her seat, kneeling on it rather than sitting, clutching the chair's lean. "Really?! Got anything... sour? Sweet?"
"What?" Andross placed a clawed finger on his hairy chin. "Well... I've got pickles."
"Pickles!"
"Some vanilla ice cream my sister just bought for me."
"Ice cream!"
"And also some fried chicken!"
Vixy hesitated. "Blech... fried..."
"What's wrong? Don't you like fried chicken?" Andross began to laugh. "I remembered those days when we were together before you've met James... whenever we would go out to eat, the first thing you'd' cry out is 'FRIED CHICKEN!!!'!"
"Well, I'm not in the mood for any fatty foods right now... more into sweet and sour yummies!"
"All right, then," Andross said nervously, a few drops of sweat dripping from his brow. "What say we satisfy those cravings now?"
"Yeah! Yeah!"
***
'Wow... this place is really big...' Vixy thought as she walked into Andross's office. It actually didn't really look like an office, more like a cross of a miniature library and a small laboratory. On the farthest end to the right were several very tall shelves full of books, heavy, dusty old books that the greatest scientists have ever treasured, from Darwin's books on the origin of species to encyclopedias on terminology on technology and mechanics. To the far right were several tables, each and every one of them either piled with heavy metal, wires, batteries, glass tubes, microscopes, test tubes, and other scientific lab tools. Ahead of the vixen was Andross's desk, mile-high papers piled around it, save the center for the ape to write to read on.
On that table, other than the papers, a Gameboy Advance console with a Hamtaro game in it, a magazine on how to run over a one-legged possum in a highway during rush hour in ways more than one, a photo with Andross's sister with a hanging noose doodled around her neck and a mustache and chin drawn on her face with a Sharpie, and another photo of a four-legged dog peeing in the Pigma's lemonade without him knowing it (before you ask, yes, he drank it. icky-poo, I mean, icky-pee.), Vixy noticed a "Have a Nice Day" plastic brown bag with the face of a smiley and an arrow through its head. The woman quickly ran to the bag and dug into it, throwing out whatever was in it: a yo-yo with a picture of a bunny on it, a "I'm with Stupid" T- shirt, a shrunken head that kind of resembled Andross's mother-in-law, gag- glasses complete with big-nose and mustache, boxers with teddy bears as a tessellation design, a broken pogo stick (how all that can fit in a little plastic is a mystery itself), a Psyduck (with a really big headache), another shrunken head that resembled more like Vixy's mother-in-law, something that resembles a little latex balloon (we will not go that far), and finally a dead one-legged possum with what seems like tire tracks all over its quarter-inch thin flattened body. Andross noticed the possum and grabbed it before Vixy would ask any questions, throwing it out the window. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "I have no idea how that got in there."
"What about this?" Vixy asked as she held up the latex object. Andross also grabbed that thing and threw it out the window, joining the roadkill that into a vat of relish a hot-dog seller was using to put on hot dogs. The scientist closed the window, ignoring the seller who was just putting relish on a hot dog for an aging giraffe and watching him take a big bite.
Vixy cleared her throat. "My food?"
"It's in this bag," Andross said as he pulled out another "Have a Nice Day" plastic brown bag, except the smiley had two arrows through its head rather than one. Vixy immediately began grabbing the contents and, without looking, quickly popped in whatever her hands could get to into her mouth.
It was too late for the scientist to warn the vixen. "Vixy, I meant to warn you... there's another dead one-legged possum in the bag..."
Vixy instantly began spitting out the roadkill in her mouth. "What's with you and one-legged possums?!"
Andross sighed. "Both were... ahem... having fun with my legs... I just HAD to run them over with my Porche-"
"But they're in both of your bags..."
"My sister Andrea put them there as a prank."
"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOONER?!!!" Vixy yelled angrily as she reopened Andross's window and threw out the roadkill. That same hot-dog seller who decided to sell food in a military base was still hanging around under there, not realizing the second possum fell into the bucket of onions. The vixen shut the window again as the seller sprinkled the onions all over a hot dog and gave it to a little turtle boy. Not seeing a foot in his onions, the boy took a large bite on his hot-dog, commenting to the seller, "Hmmm... crunchy!"
"Crunchy?"
"Well..... it's kinda lumpy too... and salty..."
Andross began taking out several cardboard containers and placed them in the center of his desk, opening them. Vixy watched starry eyed as the pickles, fried chicken, vanilla ice cream, and much more were laid out: apple pie, chicken stew, Caesar salad, clam chowder, dumplings, siopao, ramen, sesame teriyaki chicken, and fried rice. The vixen's jaw dropped, her mouth drooling a river, making Andross walk to his closet and wipe his flooding office with a mop and pine-smelling disinfectant (I love that scent! I even get high from it! @_@;)
Vixy began yelling again. "Why didn't you tell me you had more than pickles, fried chicken, and vanilla ice cream?!"
Andross chuckled nervously. "Well, I've forgotten about all this other food... my sister came to drop by. She..." the doctor paused as a smile lit across his face. "I just received the news that my baby sister is pregnant. She and her husband came over here to Corneria from Fortuna to hold a party with my family. I think she wants a boy... I'll bet she'll name him Andrew- "
The scientist suddenly stopped his talking when he realized all the food was gobbled up except for the vanilla ice cream. Andross nearly fainted. "GWAAAH!!! How can you finish all that food while I was talking for only for about a minute???!!!'
"I was hungry!"
"I didn't think you'd be THAT hungry!"
"Can I ask you something, Andross?"
"What is it?"
"Got anymore food?"
"YOU ATE ALL THE LEFTOVERS FROM MY SISTER'S PARTY!!!"
"Oh, there's the ice cream!" Vixy giggled with glee as she quickly grabbed the cardboard bucket of ice cream. Andross gaped in surprised as the vixen slurped down the ice cream in one gulp, letting the creamy white flow into her mouth and swallowing it all so quickly. The ape was counting the whole time.
"TEN SECONDS! VIXY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU???!!!"
"I'm just so hungry... oh....." Vixy stood up, flinched, and held her head. "BRAIN FREEZE!!!"
"WELL, YA SHOULDN'T EAT THAT ICE CREAM IN TEN SECONDS FLAT!!!"
"Brain freeze..." Vixy moaned as she began wobbling around the office. Andross froze in his feet, watching the vixen teeter around the room, running into random objects like her chair, the shelf, and the desk. When she bumped into the desk, Andross noticed the piles of paper tilting. The scientist quickly ran as the papers began falling, but it was too late. Many of the papers already began falling down, towards Vixy. Andross ran and pushed her out of the way, taking her place in the path of the falling papers. However, Vixy continued wobbling around, not realizing the many papers falling on the scientist.
Andross groaned, the papers piling over him, feeling as if it were lead instead of lightweight paper. The ape thrashed and dug himself out, gasping for air as Vixy continued to wobble, bumping into the bookshelves. Andross's eyes widened as the books began to shift, the shelves beginning to sway. The doctor began swimming in the sea of papers, Vixy continuously ramming into the shelves as she held her aching head. She tottered out of the shelves' way as it began to fall, Andross making another blunder by trying to protect the vixen but taking her place instead. Although he screamed as books, encyclopedias, dictionaries, science news magazines, PowerPuff Girls's video game player's guide, Pokemon manga books, and Playboy magazines (where did those come from?) falling all over him, Vixy was unable to hear his cries for help and of frustration.
"Vixy, would you stop wobbling around my office?!" Andross bellowed. He was not heard, seeing that Vixy continued to roam. Andross dug himself out and ran to the vixen, thinking about grabbing her then literally kicking her out of his office. Vixy accidentally rammed into the table with metals piled up on its top (is that brain-freeze really that bad?), snapping the legs on side. The vixen collapsed on the table, speeding up the fall, some of the sharpest metals flying in the air- towards Andross. The doctor screamed like a girl as metals shot to him, only managing to thrust into his sleeves, pant legs, lab coat, and collar. Vixy groan as she sat up, seeing the doctor pinned to the wall like a cartoon idiot.
"Oh, Andross..." Vixy gasped. "I'm sorry..."
"Sorry ain't gonna cut it, lady!"
Vixy staggered to her feet and began to lean on the table with chemicals. Andross gaped and ripped his clothes as he started to sprint towards her. "Oh, no you don't-"
"Don't I what?"
Before Andross would finish, he accidentally stepped on some leftover ice cream spilled from the bucket that dropped from the table where the fox ate. This was Vixy's cue to duck, and she bend over low to allow the flying ape to fling over her then crash through the bottles and shelves of chemicals. Another cue. Run. As Andross's lab coat burned and stung, Vixy immediately took off, racing for the door. Too furious to allow her to flee, Andross growled and ran around the table. "VIXY, COME BACK-!" Once again, he slipped on that same puddle of ice cream, flying into the walls, bouncing off it, then out the window, shattering the glass.
When his world stopped spinning, Dr. Andross opened his eyes, for he kept them closed the whole time. When he took a first glance, he could see the face of the hot dog seller, staring at him curiously.
Andross cleared his throat. "Are you authorized to sell food in a military base?"
The seller didn't answer the question, but rather, he said to him, "You're sitting on my mustard."
The ape looked down. Sure enough, his rear end was sinking deep into the vat of mustard, only his legs, arms, shoulder, neck, and head out to the open, almost completely covered with mustard. Andross looked to his side. A little robin girl with downy pigtails was holding a hot dog with the latex object spread all over it. The ape grabbed the object with his temple throbbing. "Gimme that!"
***
"Mrs. McCloud? Where are you going?" an Air Force pilot asked the fleeing vixen as she ran.
The vixen stopped and leaned forward to catch her breath. "I... have to go now... tell my husband that I'll be right ba-"
"Mrs. McCloud?"
Before the fox would finish whatever she was saying, Vixy suddenly collapsed. The pilot was too far away from by the time she fell on the ground, and as soon as he reached her, he found out she had passed out. "Medic!" he called out.
((to be continued.))
Chapter 2: "When Strange Things Happen"
Eight days later...
"James! It's been a while!" General Pepper greeted happily, a big smile on his furry face. He opened his arms open as soon as he saw the StarFox Leader and his wife. He embraced the couple warmly, James and Vixy doing the same. All three were happy to see each other again face-to-face.
The General stepped back, hands on James and Vixy's shoulders. "What brings you two here?"
James grinned. "I just thought I'd might drop by in the Cornerian Base. It's been a while since I've last been here..."
Pepper nodded. "I'm sure I don't mind you being here, but right now I'm a bit busy. Beltino Toad has a new model of air fighter he wants to show me, and I was hoping I would-"
"No problem! I haven't seen Beltino also, I would love to see the new model!" James turned to his wife. "Would you like to also, Vixy?"
The lovely shook her head. "No thanks, to be honest, these things bore me. I'll hang around and wait for you guys, and I'll see you and Beltino then."
"Suit yourself."
***
"I'm hungry..." Vixy murmured as she sat down on a chair after talking with several old friends. However, to them, she was known as James's wife. After a few, "Hi, how are you doing? I'm fine, thank you," type of conversations, everyone else went back to their own business. Vixy immediately grew bored, regretting that she should've went with her husband and General. Maybe Beltino's new model will be more exciting than she thought it would be...
"Are you bored, Vixy?" a deep voice spoke. Vixy nearly jumped in surprise and looked behind her. Standing tall behind the chair the young vixen sat on was a tall, strongly built ape about ten years her senior in a lab coat, wearing a red shirt, white tie, black slacks, and neat loafers. The ape smiled, his red eyes gazing to the vixen. The skin on his face was naturally slightly red, his hair white. Vixy recognized the ape right away.
"Hello, Dr. Andross."
"Feeling uncomfortable, my dear friend?"
"Just bored. And hungry," Vixy said as she leaned back on her chair and stretched her arms and shoulders long, making Andross back up a few steps. He didn't mind, he knew he had to give the young lady her space if he wants to keep her comfortable.
The doctor, a scientist in the field of varieties of technology and a few branches in biology, smiled gently again at the fox. "I have food in my office."
Vixy quickly turn on her seat, kneeling on it rather than sitting, clutching the chair's lean. "Really?! Got anything... sour? Sweet?"
"What?" Andross placed a clawed finger on his hairy chin. "Well... I've got pickles."
"Pickles!"
"Some vanilla ice cream my sister just bought for me."
"Ice cream!"
"And also some fried chicken!"
Vixy hesitated. "Blech... fried..."
"What's wrong? Don't you like fried chicken?" Andross began to laugh. "I remembered those days when we were together before you've met James... whenever we would go out to eat, the first thing you'd' cry out is 'FRIED CHICKEN!!!'!"
"Well, I'm not in the mood for any fatty foods right now... more into sweet and sour yummies!"
"All right, then," Andross said nervously, a few drops of sweat dripping from his brow. "What say we satisfy those cravings now?"
"Yeah! Yeah!"
***
'Wow... this place is really big...' Vixy thought as she walked into Andross's office. It actually didn't really look like an office, more like a cross of a miniature library and a small laboratory. On the farthest end to the right were several very tall shelves full of books, heavy, dusty old books that the greatest scientists have ever treasured, from Darwin's books on the origin of species to encyclopedias on terminology on technology and mechanics. To the far right were several tables, each and every one of them either piled with heavy metal, wires, batteries, glass tubes, microscopes, test tubes, and other scientific lab tools. Ahead of the vixen was Andross's desk, mile-high papers piled around it, save the center for the ape to write to read on.
On that table, other than the papers, a Gameboy Advance console with a Hamtaro game in it, a magazine on how to run over a one-legged possum in a highway during rush hour in ways more than one, a photo with Andross's sister with a hanging noose doodled around her neck and a mustache and chin drawn on her face with a Sharpie, and another photo of a four-legged dog peeing in the Pigma's lemonade without him knowing it (before you ask, yes, he drank it. icky-poo, I mean, icky-pee.), Vixy noticed a "Have a Nice Day" plastic brown bag with the face of a smiley and an arrow through its head. The woman quickly ran to the bag and dug into it, throwing out whatever was in it: a yo-yo with a picture of a bunny on it, a "I'm with Stupid" T- shirt, a shrunken head that kind of resembled Andross's mother-in-law, gag- glasses complete with big-nose and mustache, boxers with teddy bears as a tessellation design, a broken pogo stick (how all that can fit in a little plastic is a mystery itself), a Psyduck (with a really big headache), another shrunken head that resembled more like Vixy's mother-in-law, something that resembles a little latex balloon (we will not go that far), and finally a dead one-legged possum with what seems like tire tracks all over its quarter-inch thin flattened body. Andross noticed the possum and grabbed it before Vixy would ask any questions, throwing it out the window. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "I have no idea how that got in there."
"What about this?" Vixy asked as she held up the latex object. Andross also grabbed that thing and threw it out the window, joining the roadkill that into a vat of relish a hot-dog seller was using to put on hot dogs. The scientist closed the window, ignoring the seller who was just putting relish on a hot dog for an aging giraffe and watching him take a big bite.
Vixy cleared her throat. "My food?"
"It's in this bag," Andross said as he pulled out another "Have a Nice Day" plastic brown bag, except the smiley had two arrows through its head rather than one. Vixy immediately began grabbing the contents and, without looking, quickly popped in whatever her hands could get to into her mouth.
It was too late for the scientist to warn the vixen. "Vixy, I meant to warn you... there's another dead one-legged possum in the bag..."
Vixy instantly began spitting out the roadkill in her mouth. "What's with you and one-legged possums?!"
Andross sighed. "Both were... ahem... having fun with my legs... I just HAD to run them over with my Porche-"
"But they're in both of your bags..."
"My sister Andrea put them there as a prank."
"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOONER?!!!" Vixy yelled angrily as she reopened Andross's window and threw out the roadkill. That same hot-dog seller who decided to sell food in a military base was still hanging around under there, not realizing the second possum fell into the bucket of onions. The vixen shut the window again as the seller sprinkled the onions all over a hot dog and gave it to a little turtle boy. Not seeing a foot in his onions, the boy took a large bite on his hot-dog, commenting to the seller, "Hmmm... crunchy!"
"Crunchy?"
"Well..... it's kinda lumpy too... and salty..."
Andross began taking out several cardboard containers and placed them in the center of his desk, opening them. Vixy watched starry eyed as the pickles, fried chicken, vanilla ice cream, and much more were laid out: apple pie, chicken stew, Caesar salad, clam chowder, dumplings, siopao, ramen, sesame teriyaki chicken, and fried rice. The vixen's jaw dropped, her mouth drooling a river, making Andross walk to his closet and wipe his flooding office with a mop and pine-smelling disinfectant (I love that scent! I even get high from it! @_@;)
Vixy began yelling again. "Why didn't you tell me you had more than pickles, fried chicken, and vanilla ice cream?!"
Andross chuckled nervously. "Well, I've forgotten about all this other food... my sister came to drop by. She..." the doctor paused as a smile lit across his face. "I just received the news that my baby sister is pregnant. She and her husband came over here to Corneria from Fortuna to hold a party with my family. I think she wants a boy... I'll bet she'll name him Andrew- "
The scientist suddenly stopped his talking when he realized all the food was gobbled up except for the vanilla ice cream. Andross nearly fainted. "GWAAAH!!! How can you finish all that food while I was talking for only for about a minute???!!!'
"I was hungry!"
"I didn't think you'd be THAT hungry!"
"Can I ask you something, Andross?"
"What is it?"
"Got anymore food?"
"YOU ATE ALL THE LEFTOVERS FROM MY SISTER'S PARTY!!!"
"Oh, there's the ice cream!" Vixy giggled with glee as she quickly grabbed the cardboard bucket of ice cream. Andross gaped in surprised as the vixen slurped down the ice cream in one gulp, letting the creamy white flow into her mouth and swallowing it all so quickly. The ape was counting the whole time.
"TEN SECONDS! VIXY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU???!!!"
"I'm just so hungry... oh....." Vixy stood up, flinched, and held her head. "BRAIN FREEZE!!!"
"WELL, YA SHOULDN'T EAT THAT ICE CREAM IN TEN SECONDS FLAT!!!"
"Brain freeze..." Vixy moaned as she began wobbling around the office. Andross froze in his feet, watching the vixen teeter around the room, running into random objects like her chair, the shelf, and the desk. When she bumped into the desk, Andross noticed the piles of paper tilting. The scientist quickly ran as the papers began falling, but it was too late. Many of the papers already began falling down, towards Vixy. Andross ran and pushed her out of the way, taking her place in the path of the falling papers. However, Vixy continued wobbling around, not realizing the many papers falling on the scientist.
Andross groaned, the papers piling over him, feeling as if it were lead instead of lightweight paper. The ape thrashed and dug himself out, gasping for air as Vixy continued to wobble, bumping into the bookshelves. Andross's eyes widened as the books began to shift, the shelves beginning to sway. The doctor began swimming in the sea of papers, Vixy continuously ramming into the shelves as she held her aching head. She tottered out of the shelves' way as it began to fall, Andross making another blunder by trying to protect the vixen but taking her place instead. Although he screamed as books, encyclopedias, dictionaries, science news magazines, PowerPuff Girls's video game player's guide, Pokemon manga books, and Playboy magazines (where did those come from?) falling all over him, Vixy was unable to hear his cries for help and of frustration.
"Vixy, would you stop wobbling around my office?!" Andross bellowed. He was not heard, seeing that Vixy continued to roam. Andross dug himself out and ran to the vixen, thinking about grabbing her then literally kicking her out of his office. Vixy accidentally rammed into the table with metals piled up on its top (is that brain-freeze really that bad?), snapping the legs on side. The vixen collapsed on the table, speeding up the fall, some of the sharpest metals flying in the air- towards Andross. The doctor screamed like a girl as metals shot to him, only managing to thrust into his sleeves, pant legs, lab coat, and collar. Vixy groan as she sat up, seeing the doctor pinned to the wall like a cartoon idiot.
"Oh, Andross..." Vixy gasped. "I'm sorry..."
"Sorry ain't gonna cut it, lady!"
Vixy staggered to her feet and began to lean on the table with chemicals. Andross gaped and ripped his clothes as he started to sprint towards her. "Oh, no you don't-"
"Don't I what?"
Before Andross would finish, he accidentally stepped on some leftover ice cream spilled from the bucket that dropped from the table where the fox ate. This was Vixy's cue to duck, and she bend over low to allow the flying ape to fling over her then crash through the bottles and shelves of chemicals. Another cue. Run. As Andross's lab coat burned and stung, Vixy immediately took off, racing for the door. Too furious to allow her to flee, Andross growled and ran around the table. "VIXY, COME BACK-!" Once again, he slipped on that same puddle of ice cream, flying into the walls, bouncing off it, then out the window, shattering the glass.
When his world stopped spinning, Dr. Andross opened his eyes, for he kept them closed the whole time. When he took a first glance, he could see the face of the hot dog seller, staring at him curiously.
Andross cleared his throat. "Are you authorized to sell food in a military base?"
The seller didn't answer the question, but rather, he said to him, "You're sitting on my mustard."
The ape looked down. Sure enough, his rear end was sinking deep into the vat of mustard, only his legs, arms, shoulder, neck, and head out to the open, almost completely covered with mustard. Andross looked to his side. A little robin girl with downy pigtails was holding a hot dog with the latex object spread all over it. The ape grabbed the object with his temple throbbing. "Gimme that!"
***
"Mrs. McCloud? Where are you going?" an Air Force pilot asked the fleeing vixen as she ran.
The vixen stopped and leaned forward to catch her breath. "I... have to go now... tell my husband that I'll be right ba-"
"Mrs. McCloud?"
Before the fox would finish whatever she was saying, Vixy suddenly collapsed. The pilot was too far away from by the time she fell on the ground, and as soon as he reached her, he found out she had passed out. "Medic!" he called out.
((to be continued.))
