Title: Look Closer
Author: Burning Girl
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Characters are property of J.K. Rowling.
It is not something that is clearly visible to the naked eye. For years she had walked around with this thing that was slowly killing her from the inside out, yet no one noticed. Not one person seemed to realize that she was slowly dissipating from their very eyes.
Of course it is not always clearly visible. She was not like some of those Muggle teenagers that make the covers of magazines. She was in control of her life. Or so it seemed.
Every day she would wake up to watch the sunrise. There was something about watching the night sky lighten into day that gave her a tiny glimmer of hope that someday things would be different for her. That feeling felt deep inside her chest that would swell like as if someone was blowing a balloon and that gave her a moment of happiness and fantasy.
And then that feeling would disappear as quickly as it came and the mundane daily routine that most people called "life" would begin. She would drown her feelings as she threw herself headfirst into her schoolwork. Every assignment, every spell, every test had to be perfect. Anything less than that would only confirm the truth; that she was a coward and a failure.
But how could she be failure? She was Hermione Granger! She was the top of her class and every teacher's (perhaps except for Snape though) model student. She was diligent, responsible, and even best friends with one of the most famous wizards in the world.
But it was that pressure, that constant nagging at the back of her mind that pushed her to study harder, to overthrow what most people would call perfection. Because after awhile even perfect didn't seem good enough anymore for her. It was not just about being the perfect model student anymore, but being one in total control of her own life and her own destiny.
How could she explain that it felt like the whole world was examining her through a magnifying glass, waiting for her to make a mistake, waiting for her to fall apart? When that happened of course they would all turn to each other and say, "Now see, she's not as hoity toity as she thinks of herself to be now is she?"
How could she explain that every off-hand comment, every bit of criticism only affirmed her belief that she was destined to fail?
Harry and Ron didn't understand. How could they? After all, they were only boys. What do boys of that age have concern over anyway? They would probably only say that she was too sensitive and needed to learn how to lighten up a little and change her paranoid way of thinking. Of course Harry might understand a little, but his battle was one of a more physical nature. How could he understand that her battle was trickier than that? How do you fight an invisible enemy that has taken over your very mind, your very being and soul?
But maybe everybody feels this way. After all, she was in the prime of her adolescent years. It's that time when all those lovely hormones are swirling through the bodies of teenagers everywhere befuddling their logic and toying with their thoughts and emotions so that sometimes they do think that they are going completely mad.
Besides, everybody has problems. Everybody feels like they are going crazy sometimes, don't they?
"Stop it. You're being silly."
Hermione wiped away the last bit of the tears staining her cheeks and took a deep breath. She looked in the mirror and forced a happy smile on her face as she shoved her feelings of angst and hopelessness into the back of her mind once more. After all, today was another day to face, another day to live through.
