==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==
A word of advice:
Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/
Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/
Nazza also does not endorse the use of laughing yourself to death/
Previously on 24…Uh, it's Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned.
Whatever.
We need to begin this chapter stylishly.
*sigh* Fine. Previously on Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned…
The Philosopher pulled out a gun, pointed it at Harry, and cocked it. 'Time to say goodbye to Mister Teddy Bear.'
[Chapter 11: Freakout]
The Philosopher grabbed the severed head of the teddy bear and shot it.
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' cried Harry.
'Now,' said the Philosopher evilly, 'it's your turn.' He turned the gun back to Harry, and cocked it once more.
'Wait! Before I die, can I have a phone call?'
'I'll do you a deal,' said the Philosopher. 'I shoot you, and you die. Agreed?'
'I have a better deal,' said Harry. 'How about I give you the finger –' Harry stuck up his pointer, then realised what he was doing and did it the right way, 'and you give me my phone call.'
'But what good is a phone call,' the Philosopher said, eerily calm, 'if you are…unable to speak?'
'I can speak! What the hell makes you think I can't speak? I mmph mmph mmph –' Harry realised that he just wasn't concentrating on speaking, so he continued, 'Why do you think I can't speak? Are you insane or something? I mmph mmph mmph –' Harry tried to scream as his mouth closed over, but of course, since he was…unable to speak, he couldn't.
The Philosopher laughed evilly. He cocked his gun once again at Harry, who was…unable to speak, and pulled the trigger.
BANG!Harry sat up, breathing heavily. 'It – it – it was…was…a…' He looked around. His feet felt wet, and he realised he was in his bed. 'Crap.'
He slowly got out of bed, and cast a secret spell that got rid of the…wetness that soaked Harry's sheets. 'No one needs to know about this.'
Suddenly he felt sick. He coughed uncontrollably, and before he knew it, he had coughed up a strange bug. 'Okay, that's a bit weird.'
Harry looked around. The dormitory was empty, but he assumed that was because everyone was in the common room. However, when he climbed down the stairs, they weren't in the common room either.
'I've got this strange feeling,' he said to himself. 'Déjà vu.'
He walked out of the common room, in his pyjamas, and around the school. There was no one.
'I've got this strange feeling,' he said to himself. 'Déjà vu.'
He walked around, but there was no one throughout the school. 'This is really, really strange.' When out of nowhere, and completely unexpected, Harry was knocked to the ground, he thought that maybe it was the Philosopher.
'Harry, what are you doing out here in your pyjamas?'
'Hermione!'
Harry hugged Hermione, then realised what he was doing and they awkwardly stood up. 'You're not stoned!'
'Yet. Listen, we need to meet in the…place outside where we…have…assemblies.'
'Really? I'll have to…go back to…the…common room and…get dressed…then.'
A few minutes later, Harry was dressed. He met Hermione, who was lighting a joint. 'Hermione,' he said, 'shouldn't you wait until after the assembly?'
'Nah,' she said. 'It won't be about anything important.'
Dumbledore stepped up to the magic microphone, which was magically hovering in magical thin air. He magically spoke, 'I have brought you all here to tell you bad news.'
Everyone magically listened in, magically prepared to hear the magical bad news.
'Recently there was a murder of a local student. Yes, a student who was from this actual school. It's very hard to comprehend, especially since we are the famous school of wizardry and have many enemies. It's just unbelievable that someone from this school could be murdered.'
The people sitting down on the grass outside listened, expecting something more.
'I suppose you're expecting me to say something more. Well, I guess I'll have to tell you. There's been another murder.'
'That's so eight hours ago,' said Hermione.
'And don't forget, the second Quidditch match of the year is in a few hours! Be one of the first fifty to get tickets and you win a free magical soda!'
Harry shook his head, disgraced at…something.
'Well that's just great how was I supposed to know that?!' said Hermione, completely unprovoked. 'I'm not a mind reader for crying out loud. Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname – torso boy! So what's he complaining about?'
Harry and Ron stared at Hermione. The sky darkened, and they had left Hogwarts – and had entered The Twilight Zone.
I'm back, miss me? Well thanks, THANKS A LOT. Maybe I should quit my job. Yeah. You shut up. Just coz you write this fic. Damn straight.
Find out…something in the next chapter of Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned
