==HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER STONED==

A word of advice:

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling/

Nazza does not endorse the use of drugs/

Nazza does not endorse being chased by dogs of any kind/

[Chapter 14: Third Death]

Dumbledore stood up. 'Uh-oh,' said Hermione. 'If he finds the Philosopher, I'll have to be rehabilitated. I mean, he might kill Dumbledore. And what if he decides to just kill us all?'

'Interesting theory,' said Harry.

Ron nodded in agreement.

'You're saving the Philosopher,' Ron and Harry both said simultaneously.

Hermione sighed. 'Okay then.' She pulled out her wand and magically disappeared from the closet. Ron and Harry did the same.

Hermione appeared near the Philosopher, who was smoking a joint while dealing out more stuff. She noticed Dumbledore coming down the stairs, and said loudly, 'Hello Dumbledore!'

'Why, hello Hermione,' said Dumbledore. 'What are you doing inside, it's lunch time. You should be out playing with the others!'

'Well I – uh, I – um, uh…I was going to visit someone in the dormitory,' said Hermione. The Philosopher noticed this and threw all his drugs into a nearby trash can.

'Very well then,' said Dumbledore. He walked past and saw the Philosopher. 'You wouldn't happen to know a guy called "The Philosopher", would you?'

'Nope, sorry,' said the Philosopher. Dumbledore continued on his "quest" for the Philosopher. A good thing he didn't notice the drugs in the trash, he thought to himself.

'Why did I see drugs in the trash?' wondered Dumbledore as he walked away.

==THAT NIGHT==

'Why are we out of the dorms at this time of night?' Ron asked.

'I need to find out something,' said Harry. 'Where's Hermione?'

'You know, I don't see why we have to let her hang around us,' said Ron.

'Me either,' said Harry. He turned around and saw Hermione running, trying to catch up to them. 'Sorry I'm late,' she said. 'I was smoking and forgot to meet you guys.'

'So, Harry,' said Ron, 'what exactly are we doing?'

'Locating my lost Lord of the Rings book,' said Harry.

Ron and Hermione both fell over. Ron because Harry was being stupid; Hermione because she was so stoned she thought she was a eighty-year-old man. (Eighty-year-old men fall over all the time.)

Harry turned the corner, and gasped. Mainly because he felt like doing it. But also because he could see the Philosopher. So he crouched down, and Ron and Hermione snuck up behind him and crouched down as well.

'My head hurts,' complained Hermione.

'So does mine,' added Ron.

'Mine doesn't,' Harry said, 'because I wasn't the idiot who fell over, was I?'

'Idiot? Idiot?' said Hermione. 'I don't see no idiot!'

Ron and Harry stared at her. 'Hang on, are you looking at the idiot? Coz I'm not an idiot! One plus one equals three, there! That proves I'm not stupid! Oh wait…forgot to carry the one…'

'Be quiet,' said Harry. 'The Philosopher is just over there.'

'Okay,' said Hermione loudly.

'That's it.' Harry swung his fist and knocked Hermione clear out.

'I was hoping you'd do that one day,' said Ron.

Harry and Ron watched the Philosopher. He seemed to be stalking someone, strangely enough. 'Where are you,' he said silently. 'Where are you, I know you're here somewhere…'

'Should I tell him we're here?' Ron asked.

'No,' Harry hissed. 'His eyes are blood red, just like last time.'

'Oh, I see,' said Ron.

Suddenly there was movement in the shadows. 'What was that?' said the Philosopher and Harry simultaneously.

Ron remembered something he'd seen on South Park…

=FLASHBACK=

'Me, and you, and you, simultaneous me, and you, and you…'

'Stop humming that annoyingly catchy song,' whispered Harry. 'We're not alone…'

'Of course we're not alone, Harry,' objected Ron. 'Hermione's here with us, even if she is unconscious –'

'- Or dead –'

'- plus the Philosopher is here as well.'

'You just have to ruin all the fun, don't you?' said Harry. 'I want one line that I can say that makes me sound cool and mystical, and you just screw it up.'

'Sorry.'

Harry watched the shadows, and sure enough, there was movement. The Philosopher approached the shadowy area, and grabbed something. Or someone.

'What are you doing out of bed?' said Philosopher through gritted teeth. He pulled the person out of the shadows, and Ron gasped.

'That's my brother!' he said.

'Really?' said Harry.

'No, not really, I just made it up.'

The Philosopher pulled out a hockey mask, put it on, then laughed maniacally.

'He's going about it the wrong way,' said a female voice. 'He's going to get caught if he keeps that up.'

'Hermione!' said Harry angrily, 'just go back to sleep.'

'Okaly-dokaly!'

The Philosopher then brandished a hockey stick out of nowhere. 'Now that's magic,' said Ron.

'Shut up.'

'What are you going to do with that, play hockey?' threatened the person. Though he didn't sound very threatening, as he was so scared he looked like he would vomit.

The Philosopher shook his head, then began whacking around a hockey puck. 'Okay, enough of that.' He pulled out a snake's head, held it up high, then slammed the fangs into the person's shoulder.

'Aargh! The venom! It burns! It burns!'

Can a snake's head still be filled with poison? Can Hermione get so annoying that they decide to sacrifice her to the Philosopher? Is the last episode of 24 going to end with a bang? Don't tell me, it's on tomorrow and I don't want it spoiled. Find out in the next chapter of Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stoned