Crichtonstein

By Metal Gear Prime

Summary: The cast of Farscape play out the Mary Shelley's Frankenstein movie. Madness and death are sure to follow…

Chapter 1: Good Captain Crais

'Twas the year 2004 when respected Peacekeeper captain and galaxy renowned lunatic Bialar Crais announced his intention to sail into the Uncharted Territories and discover intelligent life. Unsurprisingly, this declaration caused considerable uproar in the upper echelons of Sebeccan society. Intelligent life in the Uncharted Territories? Absurd! Crais soon silenced the dissenters by the simple expedient of shooting them in the head with a pulse pistol.

Crais' plan was immediately embraced soon afterwards.

Acting with the speed and ingenuity Crais constantly claimed he possessed, he swiftly recruited a crew (by capturing various people off the street and torturing them until they agreed to join his crew) and procured the mighty gunship Talyn (by stealing him when the owners weren't looking). With everything finally ready for his voyage, Crais proudly declared that he would return with intelligent life within a few solar days.

Four cycles later…

We see Talyn half buried under a mountain of snow on an uninhabited ice planet. Various crew members are trying to dig him out. We go inside Talyn as Crais and First Mate Braca enter Talyn's bridge.

CRAIS: You realize what you're saying is mutiny?

BRACA: We don't care! Four cycles we've been on this mission! Four! And we haven't seen so much as an intelligent life form! Frell it, we haven't even met an unintelligent one! The crew have delegated me to tell you that…

Braca stops as he sees Crais staring at a spot on the floor.

CRAIS: Oh look, we're standing right in the spot where your predecessor Lieutenant Teeg 'fell' and 'accidentally' broke her neck. And, just like then, there's no one else here. Hmm.

Silence.

BRACA (with false cheer): Well then! I'll just go tell those lazy frellnics to hurry up and release Talyn so we can continue our wonderful mission!

CRAIS: Good man.

As Braca (hurriedly) makes to leave, a Faceless Crew Member rushes onto Talyn's bridge.

FACELESS CREW MEMBER: Sir! I think you should take a look at this.

Two other Faceless Crew Members enter with an apparently Sebeccan male dressed in winter gear. Crais' eyes light up with glee.

CRAIS: An alien of the Uncharted Territories!

BRACA: But…sir, this man appears to be…

Crais bayonettes Braca with a glare.

BRACA (hurriedly): An alien of the Uncharted Territories. Yep, no doubt about that!

CRAIS (to Faceless Crew Member 1): Put this man in one of the finest quarters and give him the finest food we have in stock!

FACELESS CREW MEMBER 1: You mean beans on toast and a cup of Horlicks?

CRAIS: Precisely.

*****

A small distance from Talyn, we can see a leather clad hand grasp the ground with ominous intent. Back on Talyn, we see Crais approach the alien's quarters where a guard stands watch.

CRAIS: Anything?

GUARD: He woke up a quarter of an arn ago and almost immediately devoured the beans on toast. Sir, I'd wait a while before you enter if I were you.

CRAIS: Well, you're not me, are you? Open the door.

The guard nods, slipping on a gas mask before keying in the code to open the door. As it opens, Crais is immediately staggered by the fumes within.

GUARD: Told ya.

Crais gives the guard a dirty look before entering the quarters, being careful to breathe only through his mouth. The man looks up at the sound of Crais' footsteps and immediately leaps to his feet, a look of grim determination on his face.

MAN: About friggin' time! Listen, you need to mobilize your troops and come with me! We need to kill it…

CRAIS: Eh? Kill what?

MAN: What d'ya mean, 'kill what'? Didn't you see it?

CRAIS: See what? What are you talking about? And who are you?

MAN: Who am I? My name is John…(dramatic pause)…Crichtonstein.

John stares dramatically at Crais, who stares blankly back.

CRAIS: Um…who?

JOHN: What? Are you saying you've never heard of John…(dramatic pause)…Crichtonstein?

CRAIS: Not really, no.

JOHN (disappointed): …Oh.

An awkward pause follows.

JOHN: Well…I suppose I should tell you my life story now…

CRAIS: You know what? That's really not…

JOHN: My tale begins many cycles ago…

CRAIS: Frell.

To be continued…