A BtVs / Men in Black crossover. Minor spoilers up to season 6 of Buffy, AU from then on. MiB set after the two films (don't know the animated series well enough to use it as a source) and suggested by the name of a character in the first film.

All characters belong to their respective creators / film companies / etc. and are used without permission. This story may only be distributed on a non-profit-making basis.

Work in Progress. If you like this story, check out my other stories on the Fanfiction Net, Twisting the Hellmouth, and Fonts of Wisdom websites.


Family Issues

by Marcus L. Rowland

III

"Now that you've killed the robot and demolished the house," said Kay, "is there actually anything here of interest?"

"Relax," said Jay, gesturing towards the workmen swarming in and around the damaged house, "these guys will put everything back the way it was. Let's finish checking the place." He got out his scanner and began another sweep. "Nope, nothing here... wait a second, does this look a little odd to you? Back of the basement?"

"Let me see... Nothing there, Junior. That ought to tell you something."

"Yeah, we ought to be seeing pipes and cables. It's like part of the basement doesn't exist to the scanner. They've got it screened, and there's no way that they're using Earth technology to do it."

"Bingo. Tells us we're in the right house, and there's something worth screening. See if you can find a way down, and let's hope that this time there isn't a robot playmate guarding it."

* * * * *

The black van with the painted-over Death Star logo stopped two blocks from Willow's house, and Jonathan climbed out, asking "Why am I the one that has to do this?"

"Because you're the short one and look more like a kid," said Warren. "Anyway, Andrew's driving and I'm running the electronics. Relax, it'll be a cinch."

"Yeah, that's what you said about the invisibility ray."

"It's simple; when they come out of the house I'll tell you and you start off on the skateboard. Time it so that they're about to get back into the car. Collide with the one that's on the road side, drop the bug in his pocket, apologise, and ride on. We'll be waiting for you at the end of the block."

"What do I do if they stop me?"

"Play stupid, it comes naturally. We'll rescue you."

"And we're doing this because...?"

"We want to get hold of one of their vans. To do that we need to be close the next time they call them, because they don't seem to be based anywhere our cameras cover. To do that we need to bug them, because they're going to notice us if we try to follow them any other way."

"Okay, just checking."

* * * * *

"I think that there's an entrance somewhere in this wall," said Jay. "Looks like the central air conditioning unit swings out."

"Makes sense," said Kay, "Want to try it?"

"Nope, your turn."

"Hmm... guess you're learning, slick. Any sign of a switch to open it?"

"I think the wires from that thermostat run into the wall, not to the air conditioner."

"Okay, let's try it."

Kay pulled on insulated gloves and tried twisting the thermostat dial, to the left then to the right. As he twisted left the air conditioning unit began to shudder and vibrate, and dust showered down from the ducts onto Jay's head.

"Nope, that's a thermostat. Any other bright ideas?"

"Just pull on the damned thing, I guess. Looks like it's hinged on the left."

"Okay, Jay. You sure you want me to do this?"

"Far be it from me to stop the mighty Kay from leading the way."

"Sarcasm doesn't become you, Jay. Stand clear."

Kay tugged on the right of the unit, and it swivelled easily, the ducts neatly hingeing open. A last blast of cold air blew more dust and spider webs onto Jay, then the fan died. Behind the unit was a low opening, about four feet high, closed off by a metal plate, featureless except for a round depression at the top right. Jay scanned it again.

"Baltian armour-grade alloy. Looks like a fingerprint lock."

"Baltians don't have fingerprints. Must be designed to be activated by one of their body suits."

"Okay, I think it's a safe bet that it's gonna open with the prints of one of the Rosenbergs or the kid. Do we have any of them on file?"

Jay checked his scanner. "Yeah. Ira Rosenberg, there's a firearms permit registered with the local police."

"Feed the prints into your lockpick, we'll give them a try."

"Okay, here you go."

Kay took the lockpick and touched the end to the lock. It swelled to form a replica of a thumb, waited a few seconds, then tried a finger. Eventually the left thumb made the lock click, and the plate slid down into the ground. A soft white glow came from the room it revealed.

"What the hell is that?" asked Jay. "Looks like a cross between a dolls house and a Habitrail."

"The thing at the back? That's a Baltian life support module, Baltians on Earth use them when they aren't wearing suits. Seems to be powered down right now."

"What about the lockers?"

"Suit storage. Although why one Baltian would need six suits..."

"Let's take a look. I'll open them, you check 'em out."

Jay tensely watched as he opened the first locker. "Empty."

The second held a male body in its twenties wearing jeans, a UC Sunnydale sweat-shirt, and sneakers. "Hmm, don't recognise this one.." said Kay. He checked behind the ear "It's a Baltian body suit though."

Jay took a look and said "The sweat-shirt and sneakers look kinda dated. Seventies, maybe early eighties. Check the prints, I think it might be Ira Rosenberg in his college days." It was.

The third held the body of a young woman, again in seventies clothing. This one had the face open, revealing the tiny control room inside. Kay pressed the hidden catch, and it closed to show a face neither recognised. "Check the college records," said Kay, "See if you can find pictures of Sheila Rosenberg around the same time."

Jay checked the scanner screen "You got it. Looks like both parents were Baltians, but we've only heard about one illegal alien."

"Maybe she was running both of the suits, with the one she wasn't wearing on autopilot or operated by remote control."

"What about the girl? Willow?"

"Adopted, I guess. The Baltians always did like pets."

"Makes sense. Think she knows?"

"Your guess is as good as mine. Let's see what's in the other lockers."

"My turn, I guess," said Jay. "Okay, door number four contains... a dog? Looks like some sort of German shepherd cross. Big mother."

"Still a body suit though. Good disguise, and a model that our friends the Baltians never bothered to tell us about, according to the computer. Run a full scan, we need to add it to the files."

"On it... Okay. Moving on to locker five we have... Ira Rosenberg, matches his current driving license. Must mean that mom is currently Sheila Rosenberg."

"Afraid not, slick," said Kay, opening the last locker. "She's right here."

"Where the hell is the Baltian then?"

"Damned if I know."

* * * * *

Upstairs techicans were rebuilding April. It would have taken Willow two or three weeks; to the MiB master craftsmen, with tools hundreds of years in advance of Earth, it was an easy fix. Because they were proud of their work they made her stronger, faster, and a good deal smarter.

"All done," said one eventually.

"Not quite. Memory storage was damaged, I had to replace it. Whatever programs she had have been wiped."

"No problemo, I saw a couple of CD-ROMs in the closet. Here we are, 'Android Personality Backup A' and 'Android Personality Backup B'. Which do we use?"

"Both, I guess."

"Sounds good to me."

"Plug her into the computer, I'll start downloading. Must be A first then B, I guess. Look at the titles of these files!"

"They did say this belongs to some college girl, didn't they? What the hell is a kid that age doing with an anatomically accurate robot with all of this kinky stuff in its programming?"

"Damned if I know, but I wonder if she'd like a date..."

"Come on, man, you know better, no contact with civilians for the likes of us. Leave that to the pros. Okay, that's the last of the files, looks like she's going to be processing the data for a while."

"Put her on standby in the closet, it's time for us to go."

* * * * *

"That's the place rebuilt and the last of the scaffolding down," said Jay. "It's getting on for four, maybe we'd better think about getting out of here and over to the college."

Kay took a last look through the family albums and papers he'd been examining, and carefully returned them to the correct places. "Damned if I can find any hint of anything alien," he said, "if it wasn't for the suits I'd think this was all a huge mistake. It's like they built a perfect illusion of a normal family."

"Must have been to keep the kid from finding out, I guess. What do you want to do about that?"

"We question her, find out who the Baltian might be impersonating, see if there's any other family that's supposed to be around. But we don't tell her why if there's any alternative. Have you thought of a story?"

"Oh, I've got a beauty. I'll tell you in the car."

* * * * *

"Coming out now!" said Warren.

"Three fricking hours," grumbled Jonathan, and started to roll downhill towards the black car.

"Shouldn't we be moving?" asked Andrew.

"What, and miss the show? Put them onto the big screen, I want to make sure that Jonathan gets this right."

A few seconds later Jonathan careered across the screen, slamming into Jay and falling off the skateboard to land on top of him. Warren saw the little gun fall onto the ground; Jonathan tried to pick it up unobtrusively, but was quickly slammed against the car by the younger agent. "Oh crap," said Warren, "looks like they're arresting him."

Instead both black-suited men put on dark glasses; one held Jonathan while the other flashed something in his face and said something. Jonathan turned, climbed back on to the skateboard, and disappeared from view.

"Let's roll. Cut around behind the next three blocks, after that take this road and we should catch up with him."

* * * * *

Jonathan coasted to a stop as they caught up with him, and stood looking a little confused. "Hi guys, what are you doing here?"

"What do you mean?" asked Warren.

"I was just getting a little exercise. Came off the board though, hurt my arm and my butt."

"Did you plant the bug?"

"What bug?"

"On those agents, whatever the heck they are?"

"Agents?"

"Holy crap," said Warren, "do you realise what this means?"

"What?" asked Jonathan, still confused. "What day is it anyway?"

"They've got a small version of that mind control gizmo, and those guys are walking around with it in their pockets."

"The bug's registering," Andrew said from the van. "I'm tracking it on the move from Willow's house, think they're heading towards the university."

"Let's go," said Warren.

"What?" asked Jonathan.

Warren yanked him into the van, and set off after the black car.

* * * * *

In Willow's bedroom closet April was still merging the programs, backups of two personalities that were never intended to be in the same body. File optimisation complete, she opened the closet door and looked out of the window. "I need to find Warren," she said, in a perky voice. "Warren is my boyfriend. I need to find him..." she paused for a second and in slightly deeper tones said "...and slay him."

To Be Continued