A BtVs / Men in Black crossover. Minor spoilers up to season 6 of Buffy, AU from then on. MiB set after the two films (don't know the animated series well enough to use it as a source) and suggested by the name of a character in the first film.

All characters belong to their respective creators / film companies / etc. and are used without permission. This story may only be distributed on a non-profit-making basis.

Work in Progress. If you like this story, check out my other stories on the Fanfiction Net, Twisting the Hellmouth, and Fonts of Wisdom websites.


Family Issues

by Marcus L. Rowland

V

Kay held his Noisy Cricket to cover Spike, and tried to move to a position where he could shoot him without hitting anyone else. Buffy seized his arm and held it immobile, saying "Put that away before I put it where the sun doesn't shine."

"No chance," said Kay, "that's a vampire."

"He's a what?" *asked Jay, drawing his own gun. Buffy chopped it from his hand, leaving it numb, put her foot on the gun, and tightened her grip on Kay until he was forced to let go.

"Breaking in the new boy, Kay?" asked Spike.

"Spike can't hurt humans," said Buffy, "but I can. So pick up your guns and put them away before I get annoyed."

"What do you mean, he can't hurt us?" asked Kay, picking up the guns warily.

"He's been fitted with an anti-violence chip. Can't hurt humans."

"Yeah, I'm just a fluffy puppy," Spike said sarcastically, vamping out for a moment then returning to his normal face.

"Okay," said Jay, "now I'm kinda believing in vampires." He pulled out his scanner, looked at the screen, frowned, changed settings, and put it away in disgust.

"So," said Spike, "haven't seen you guys since Roswell. Eighty-five?"

"Eighty-seven," said Kay.

"You know them?" asked Buffy.

"Well, yeah," said Spike, "know Kay anyway. There was this invasion, bunch of alien vegetables taking over Roswell and replacing everyone with pod-people. Tasted horrible, no use to me at all. So when they came along to sort things out I sort of gave them a hand. Don't tell anyone though."

"They were tourists, not invaders," said Kay. "Roswell is like Disneyland for aliens, and Spike kept attacking them, made so much trouble we had to come in and evacuate them, ended up shutting the place down for a month. Upset Earth's balance of trade for nearly a year."

"Well nobody bloody told me!"

"What are we supposed to do, put up a warning sign? Most people don't go snacking on tourists!"

"Give it a rest," said Buffy, "this is getting old. If Spike gave you so much trouble, how come he's still breathing... well, not breathing, but still here."

"Because our authority only extends to aliens, and vampires are native-born Terrestrials. Same for the other demons you deal with."

"A lot of them come from other dimensions," said Buffy.

"Doesn't matter, they're still classed as supernatural. Your responsibility, not ours."

"Oh goddess," said Tara, "that's who they are! MIBs!"

"Huh?" asked Dawn.

"Men in Black," said Willow. "The government agency that deals with aliens. Never really believed they existed."

"We don't exist," said Kay earnestly, looking at Buffy. "We have to be a legend or a joke. Most people can't handle the reality of aliens, any more than they can deal with demons or vampires. They need us, need you, but you know damn well what would happen if people actually started to believe in the supernatural and acted on their beliefs."

"Panic," said Buffy, "burning witches, that sort of thing. Okay, point taken."

"Believe me, most people who get to know about aliens just can't handle it. So we have to use all possible means to maintain secrecy. Incidentally, that normally includes secrecy from the Slayer and especially the Watchers, they have an unfortunate habit of killing first and asking questions afterwards."

"Check, no telling the Watchers. I'm not big on talking to them anyway."

"So what do you want?" asked Willow, "Why all the lies? And what was that flashy thing you used on me?"

"The flashy thing is a neuralyzer. We use it to make people forget what they've seen and heard. Usually works, but you seem to be immune."

Tara looked disgusted, Willow said "You made me set off my defences against magic. I've been trying to break my dependence on it for weeks. Thanks a million."

"You won't make friends here by messing with people's memories," said Spike, "we've all played that game too many times. Now, about my tomb.."

"And the rest of Willow's question?" asked Buffy, ignoring him.

"In the late seventies an alien visited Sunnydale and vanished. She was a Baltian, their equivalent of a sociologist. Baltians are small and physically frail, they use robots they call body suits to disguise themselves as human on Earth."

"What's this to do with me?" asked Willow.

"The Baltian in question was related to another, living in New York. He sent additional bodies to her several times. The last was sent six years ago, shortly before he died. The packages were sent to be collected by someone named Rosenberg. We believe that she was your parents."

"Parents?" said Willow faintly. "Parents plural? As in my mom and dad?"

"We believe both your parents are our missing alien. She presumably adopted you as a child and took on the role of both parents. We're not sure why."

"But I saw both my parents nearly every day until I went to college," said Willow. "Often both at the same time. How could they both be one alien?"

"Jay, show her the pictures you took this afternoon."

"We found this room hidden in the basement of your house, behind the air conditioning unit. These are Baltian body suits, basically humanoid robots that have a compartment for an alien operator in the head."

"That's my dad," gasped Willow, dropping the photos from suddenly numb fingers, "with a freaking trap door in his face."

"The suits can also be operated by remote control or on autopilot, using computers considerably more advanced than anything on Earth. We think that a single Baltian was posing as both of your parents, operating one body on autopilot while wearing the other."

Willow began sobbing, and Tara was hugging her.

"Tactful much?" said Buffy.

"I'm sorry," said Kay, "we really don't have time for tact."

"I always thought they were a little distant," sobbed Willow, "I just never dreamed..."

"I'm sorry, but it's important that we communicate with her."

"Why?"

"Two things. First, she's overstayed her tourist visa by twenty-odd years; she was only supposed to be here for two weeks. Second, she's come into an inheritance, and needs to return to Baltia to organise her financial affairs."

"An inheritance? Who from?"

"The relative we mentioned. Saul Rosenberg mean anything to you?"

"Uncle Saul? Uncle Saul was an alien?"

"You knew him?"

"I only met him a couple of times when we went to New York. He was a jeweller, had a really cute cat called Orion. I think he put a few thousand dollars into my college fund. Dad said he died a few years ago."

"That's right, it's taken a while to unravel his affairs. The alien that became your parents was his niece, as near as we can work out."

Willow wiped her eyes and looked through the pictures, and Kay said "All of those bodies are machines. The actual Baltian is about three inches tall."

"What's that thing in the back of the room?"

"That's an artificial environment for a Baltian, lets it take off its suit and relax. We checked, doesn't look like it's been used in years."

"I think I must have seen this, maybe when I was a little girl."

"What makes you think so?"

"The shape of it... I built a big Habitrail setup for the rat I used to have. Pretty much the same shape. And I remember I used to have nightmares about people wearing masks that opened up... they kinda stopped once I knew that vampires existed."

"Bloody hell," said Spike, "and I thought my sire was weird. Now will you people PLEASE do something about bloody Warren shagging his bloody robot in MY bloody tomb!"

"Buffy," said Dawn, "I think maybe we should. It was behaving kinda odd, it might kill the guy."

"And this is bad because..?"

"Buffy, you wanted him arrested, remember. Maybe these guys can do something about him."

"Okay," said Buffy, "Sorry, Willow, we really ought to do something about that before he gets away." She turned to Jay and Kay and said "Guys, there's this total dork of a mad scientist who's been causing us a lot of grief lately. He built April the robot, from what I've heard you've screwed up her programming so badly that she's going to hurt him. I don't actually have a problem with this, but it'd be nice to see someone lock him up and throw away the key. Is there any way you can stretch your authority to cover that?"

"Mad scientist?" said Jay, "Isn't there something in the charter that says we can handle that?"

"Mad alien scientists, sure."

"He and his pals speak Klingon," said Willow helpfully. "I heard them talking when they kidnapped me. And some of the technology he used in his robots is really advanced, maybe it didn't originate on Earth."

Jay and Kay looked at each other. Jay raised his eyebrows. Eventually Kay said "Okay, I guess that counts as possible evidence of alien contamination under the treaty of Tycho. Good enough to pull him in for questioning, anyway."

"Okay," said Buffy. "Willow, are you up to coming with us? We might need your help with the robot."

"I'm okay. I'm kinda numb, but I think I'm okay." She pulled herself to her feet, staggering slightly, and Spike gave her his arm. "Thanks."

"Tara, can you stay here with Dawn, maybe get the first aid stuff ready in case we need it?"

"I guess."

"Dawn, I'm not letting you come because Warren and that robot getting it on just isn't gonna be a pretty sight. And if April does slay him it'll be even worse. Are you okay with that?"

"Anyone would think... yeah, I guess."

"Let's go."

* * * * *

"...oh Warren, you're so sexy. Why am I so attracted to a sexy creature of the night I must slay?"

April kneeled above Warren's motionless naked body, pressing a stake to his ribs just above his heart. She pushed, gently at first, and Warren squirmed and tried to get away. "Stop it! April, stop! I'm not a vampire!"

She pressed down harder, and Warren screamed as a rib cracked, the third since the 'game' started. He wanted to run, but he was fairly sure his ankle was broken, along with several bones in his left hand. "Over-ride code Alpha-One-Alpha, stop, damn it."

"Oh Warren, your evil over-ride code has been deleted. Now I must punish your sexy body again."

Warren screamed as she began to twist his right arm. He was dimly aware of the door opening, and a voice saying "Over-ride Kitty Fantastico. Stop. Restrain him without injuring him."

April complied, saying "But Willow, have I punished his sexy vampire body sufficiently?"

"For now. Go to guard mode. Well done catching him, but we need him alive."

"Undead, Willow."

"Err... right."

"Get it off me!" screamed Warren.

"I don't think he should talk about me like that, do you, Willow?" said April.

"It isn't very polite," said Buffy, "maybe you should be pounding him some more."

"Oh! Hello, Buffy, you're looking very well for someone who is dead. Are you a vampire too? Hello, sexy vampire Spike."

"April," said Willow, "You're running an old backup. Buffy isn't dead any more."

"That's nice. Buffy says I can hurt Warren again, Willow, is that all right with you?"

"Not right now, maybe later."

Buffy and April both pouted. Spike looked at their identical expressions and began to laugh. Jay looked at Warren, shrugged, and shot him with a stunner he'd bought from the car, then called for back-up to take him away.

* * * * *

"Do you want some pancakes?" asked Tara.

"Sure," said Dawn. "Think they'll be long?" They moved to the kitchen.

"Depends if they find Warren there. If he is I guess they'll arrest him and come back, if not I'd imagine they'll go looking for him. Round or funny?"

"Either's fine. Meanwhile you're stuck here watching me. That sucks."

"It's okay, Dawnie, you're good company."

"Thanks," Dawn said without much conviction. "Do you think Willow is okay?"

"I don't know. It has to be an awful shock. She's just found out that her parents don't really exist, and that her whole life is a lie. I thought I had it bad with my parents, but.. Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't think."

"Well, I've done the whole not existing thing and lie thing, I guess. At least Willow's human, not an alien. Or at least I guess she is."

"Dawn, she's human, trust me on that. I ought to know."

"I guess you would."

"I guess I would too," Tara said, smiling at her memories.

"You want to get back together with her."

"Of course I do, but what I want isn't necessarily what's best for either of us."

"I really think she won't want to be alone tonight."

"Dawn..." Tara said warningly, tossing the pancakes.

"Just saying. She really will need someone to snuggle up to."

"Buffy can lend her Mister Gordo."

"Tara, I'm only a kid but even I know that isn't the same."

"I'm just saying... it's complicated."

"Why? Why does it have to be complicated? You two love each other and she needs you. What could be simpler?"

"All right," said Buffy from the doorway, "Where's the real Dawn Summers, cos' this is so insightful it's creepy."

"Bandages not needed then?" asked Tara.

"Only for Warren, and the hospital's taking care of that," said Willow, coming in behind Buffy with April following.

"I'm sorry if I worried you, Dawn," said April, "my programming is a little confused. Willow stopped me from slaying Warren and says that he isn't a vampire."

"She was kinda killing him with kindness," said Willow.

"Yes, and a stake!" April said cheerfully.

"Let's not go there," said Buffy hastily.

"Let's not," agreed Dawn, "What happened to those MBI guys?"

"MIB" said Willow, "We're meeting tomorrow morning to check through my house for clues. Meanwhile some of their guys will be questioning Warren once his ankle and wrist are set and they've done something about the broken ribs." Dawn and Tara winced. "Hopefully he'll say enough that they'll lock him up and throw away the key. And lead them to the other two nerds."

"And Spike?"

"He's clearing up the mess in his tomb."

"I'll swing by there when I patrol later and make sure he's okay," said Buffy, going upstairs to shower.

"Why wouldn't Spike be okay?" asked Dawn, confused.

"It's always upsetting to have intruders," said Tara quickly.

"Yeah..." said Willow, "that reminds me, those guys got into my house without even setting off the alarm, as far as I know. I need to do some work on the security system."

There was a knock, and Tara let Xander in. As soon as he saw Willow he said "Are you okay? I heard a really strange story about... ay caramba!" He stopped as he saw April.

"Hello Xander," said April, "Where's Anya?"

"Isn't that..?"

"I'm Buffy April Summers. You're my friend Xander."

"Huh?"

"She's kinda confused," said Willow, "Someone reprogrammed her with a mixture of the April personality and the Buffybot."

"Another of Warren's fiendish plans?"

"Not exactly, but she did just catch him. We've handed him over to some government agents."

"Xander, why are you drooling at the robot again?" said Anya, coming in from the hall where she'd been talking to Tara.

"Uh.. drooling?" bluffed Xander, "Just a runny nose, honey. So Warren's in the pokey?"

"Should be on his way there," said Willow, "what was the strange story you heard?"

"That there'd been a gas explosion at your house this afternoon. When I went to look the place seemed fine, but the paint on the front of the house felt damp and there were tyre tracks all over the front lawn. I think something's been going on, but your folks are away and I didn't have the keys to check."

"Sit down," said Willow, "it's kinda a long story."

* * * * *

"We're going to get caught," said Jonathan, cringing as he and Andrew pushed a garbage trolley into the secure ward of Sunnydale Hospital.

"Relax," said Andrew, "we're orderlies doing our job."

"We're not even sure Warren is here."

"Sure he's here, the police radio said so."

"You steal one lousy diamond..."

"Yeah, well, if they make Warren talk all three of us are going down. We've got to rescue him first."

"Are you sure this is the right way?"

"Just ahead, through the double doors. Leave the talking to me."

"Okay."

"Good evening, officer. Gotta pickup the garbage."

"This is a restricted area, show me your pass."

"Here." Andrew held up the magical orb he and Jonathan had hastily activated after Warren vanished. "This is all the identification you need."

"Yes, master, that's all the identification I need."

"We aren't the cleaners you're looking for."

"You're not the cleaners we're looking for."

"Move along."

"Move along."

Jonathan and Andrew scuttled past him into the ward, and found Warren in one of the beds, handcuffed to the frame.

"Guys, thank you!" said Warren.

"It's okay," said Andrew, "we wouldn't leave you in enemy hands. Can you move?"

"Yeah, they've fixed me up pretty well. Get me out of here."

Andrew produced a pair of bolt-cutters from the garbage and snipped the cuff. "Get in the garbage," whispered Jonathan. "We'll wheel you out past the guards."

"No way," said Warren. "You give me the overalls and get in, it's too small for me."

After a short struggle Jonathan was in the garbage and Warren and Andrew walked out, past the still-mesmerised guard.

"Okay," said Warren, once they were clear. "We'll get back to the base, rest up for a few hours, and get ready for action. I've got a score to settle with those agents and the robot and the Slayer. Jonathan, you ride in the back, you smell of garbage."

* * * * *

"Are you sure you're all right?" asked Tara after the others had gone.

"I guess..." said Willow, "the last few years we haven't exactly been close, Ira and Sarah and me. I thought they were kinda distant, I just never realised how distant."

"Light years."

"At least."

"Call me if you want to talk."

"Okay. Goodnight."

Willow closed the door, and turned to see Dawn watching her from the stairs.

"You two are so... stubborn." she said eventually, coming down to the hall.

"Stubborn?"

"You want her. She wants you. You love each other, and you've just let her walk away again. You both make me so mad."

"What am I supposed to do, Dawnie? What am I supposed to do?"

"Get her to help you get through this."

"I can't. It has to be her decision, not mine."

"At least get her to help you tomorrow, if she doesn't have classes. You might need it."

"Maybe. I'll see how I feel in the morning."

To Be Continued