TITLE: The Goddess Must Be Crazy.. Who Are We Kidding? She Is.

AUTHOR: Silence

DISCLAIMER: Joss, Fox, UPN and whoever own all things Buffy. J.K. Rowling own Harry Potter and what not. Lord of the Rings & the One Ring belong to J.R.R Tolkien and anyone that's not me. Copyrighted characters mentioned in passing don't belong to me either. Allison Warren, Lacey, Interlude person and Amalthea are all mine. Imp 13 belongs to Weirdbard. Professor Skyler Mythe belongs to Mythe. "He" belongs to himself. It's better that way.

SPOILERS: General warning for everything.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you haven't, it might be a great idea to read "Confessions of a Mary Sue" before reading this.

As for Mythe uh.. You may blame her for her presence in this fic. Let's see YOU say no to an older sister who can kick your ass.

** = *thoughts*

Feedback!

Pellagolloien: Whoo! Yes I have.. Kinda. Lol. And yay!! You're tagging along!! UBER HUGS! ^_^

Ahh yes, time periods. Ok, in the Harry Potter verse it's naturally an AU of him in the year 2001. He'd be about a year older then Buffy I believe. In this fic, the Buffyverse and Potterverse exist on the same earth, together. They just don't know it. Lol. Mm… Pixi Stix are the drug of the gods I say! And of course I have an Orlando fetish! What fangirl who writes Mary Sues doesn't? ^_~

Delphian: Lacey could never truly go away. Besides, I'm too cruel of a creator to let her off the hook. And don't worry, no arrows from me. ^_~ Crossovers are my thing. They're usually full of chaos. But in a good way. I hope. Lol. Well, good in my view. I'm a strange one.

Hehe, Thank you very much for clicking that review button. It makes my day, it really does. Cookies of DOOM for all! And remember, feedback always gets feedback!

Oh and for those who get confused at certain comments about incidents involving some of the original character types.. Don't worry. I'm confused too, and I helped write/or created said incidents.. lol

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Part 4: Of Sidekicks and Tag Alongs

Buffy tapped her foot as she waited for Giles to answer his phone. Still, she received no answer. She glanced at Alli who was still sitting at the table, scarfing down a muffin and yet another mocha.

*How the hell does she put all that away?* Buffy thought briefly, before allowing her alarm bells to go off. She had called the entire Scooby Gang, and had gotten no answer at any of their homes. With a frown she placed the phone back in it's place and walked back to the table.

"We're going to make a house call." Buffy said, digging into her pocket for some cash.

Alli had already bounced to her feet and tossed a hundred dollar bill on the table. "Coolios. Let's move out!"

As Buffy led Alli out of the Expresso Pump, she quickly wished she could turn back time and not taken her to the coffee shop. Alli had started to ramble.. And ramble, and ramble, until it sounded like one long run on sentence.

"That's where she puts it all." Buffy muttered. The slayer tried to tune her out, but here and there, snippets about four armed demons, alternate universes, and God at a Christmas party kept breaking the barrier.

"So then I used a diamond yo-yo on Lilith and Tuxedo Mask threw this rose carved out of a diamond. We saved Xena and then Bard whipped out this magical mirror thing which made her--"

Buffy thanked the Powers as she stopped at Giles' doorstep. She knocked on the door, which caught Alli's attention, causing her to shut up.

To Buffy's surprise, the door swung open easily.

"Something isn't right." Buffy murmured, her senses going on alert. She entered her Watcher's home cautiously.

The place was impeccable, with not even a dust bunny lurking about.

"No one is here."

Buffy glanced at Alli, who she'd momentarily forgotten about, "How do you know?"

"It's a sidekick thing." She shrugged from her seat on the top of the couch. "Besides, look around, it's too.. Clean. It's like Martha Stewart came in and took over."

"Funny. I'm half expecting her to come out with some kind of cake." Buffy muttered absently as she searched the place. "Did you know she was a demon?"

Alli nodded. "She sold her soul or something. It's pretty common knowledge."

A shout of triumph erupted from Buffy as she picked a sword off the floor. "What do we have here?"

"Jenkies!" Alli said. "It's a clue!"

Buffy flashed her a withering look. "……." She turned the sword over in her hand. It was a 24" double edged short sword with a wicked curved end. "What kind of sword is this?"

"Orc sword." Alli said as if it were obvious. "Haven't you seen 'Fellowship of the Ring'?" At Buffy's blank look, Alli slapped her head to her forehead, realizing the movie hadn't been released yet. "Never mind." She tapped the blade with her index finger. "Orcs are like demons in a way. They're big, bad, strong, and like to kill. But they aren't supposed to be here. And they would soooo never leave a place neat and tidy."

Buffy gripped the sword handle tightly. "We're going to check Xander's and you're going to tell me everything you know about these 'Orcs'."

*************

"You're telling me you're one of 666 imps belonging to a demon from hell with a soul?" Harry asked incredulously.

13 nodded as he ate a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans and made a face, "Ear wax.. bleh tastes like that lollipop I found that one day. The one with the cotton end."

Harry blinked and sighed. "That's because it wasn't a lollipop. It was--"

The door swung open and a witch with short black hair entered the room. She was tall, at least 5'8", wore a pair of black pants tucked into matching leather boots with silver buckles that ended just below the knees, and a white shirt barely visible from behind a voluminous black leather trench coat with silver shoulder plates strapped onto it.

She tugged at one of her black gloved hands with an arched brow, the silver wristbands almost glowing, all the while staring at the scene before her. "Mr. Potter."

Harry swore inwardly. It was the resident DADA instructor for the past year, Skyler Mythe. Harry had been a Hogwarts version of a Teacher's Assistant to whoever taught Defense Against the Dark Arts since three years ago, and had been through three different professors, but none of them made him feel more inferior then Professor Mythe. She knew her stuff, but she could be creepier than even "Mad Eye Moody" and Severus Snape combined.

In fact, if it weren't for her, he, Hagrid and Dumbledore would have left the school already, but for some reason she insisted something needed to be discussed and Dumbledore had agreed willingly.

"Professor Mythe." Harry greeted, "I'm sorry, but I found the classroom filled with smoke and this-"

"Imp." Mythe said, her voice emotionless and distinctively American, held her eyes on 13. "I assume you closed whatever portal you opened and sealed it tight?"

13 blinked at her and then shrugged. If she didn't want to acknowledge him properly, well.. He'll just make her suffer. "Of course I did. What kind of imp do you take me for?"

"A very confused one." She said, eyeing his fishnet stockings. 13 nearly choked on his beans, causing the witch to smirk slightly. Skyler's cold mask quickly went back into place. "Dumbledore wishes to see us. We have a situation. I suggest the imp come along."

Harry nodded, even as Mythe had already walked away. He shook his head as he stood up. "She's-"

"A hard ass bitch." 13 grinned at him secretively as he flew off the table and followed Harry out of the classroom. "You know what would really get to her?"

Harry was afraid to ask, but was also curious as to what this imp knew that he didn't. "What?"

"Get me into her room and I'll--"

"No way!" Harry exclaimed. "Professor Mythe has been annoyed with me ever since our lesson on vampires, I'm not risking making it even worse. She could come back next year!"

"Doubt it." 13 muttered dejectedly. He put the video camera that had appeared out of nowhere back into his subspace pocket. "Don't you have ANY fun?"

"Of course, but it doesn't involve video cameras." Harry said indigently. "Besides, that wouldn't work in here. The wards--"

"Don't do a thing to my supplies." 13 snapped. "My equipment was made by the best and enchanted by the best.. Or worst. I've got cameras in places you could only dream. There's this one set up in one in seventh Heaven and the angels there--"

"Ah look. Here we are." Harry announced in relief. He was getting tired of the imp's interruptions and what seemed to be an exuberant supply of voyeurism. He covered the imp's ears and repeated the password that would open the secret passage behind the gargoyle statue to Dumbledore's office.

As they stepped onto the rising steps, 13 floating beside him, muttering something that Harry knew was foul even though he didn't understand it.

"Harry, good." Dumbledore greeted him as he joined the handful of people. He still looked as sagely as ever with his flowing white hair and long beard. He seemed to match the portraits of the headmasters and mistresses perfectly. "Hagrid has brought something to our attention."

Standing in the office was Hagrid, Mythe, and Dumbledore, and they were all staring at a young woman sitting in a chair dressed in obvious muggle clothing. Harry stared at her briefly, wondering what she was doing there. The woman stared at them all, annoyance written all over her face.

"Will you stop staring at me for god's sake? You'd think you had never seen a Mary Sue before."

***********

Alli handed Buffy a glass of water as the slayer stared at the pile of Orc swords in front of her. The two had returned from their house calls, only to find the same M.O at each home. Everything was always in perfect order, always clean, and an Orc blade placed somewhere in the living room.

Buffy nodded her thanks before taking a long drink. "What the hell does this all mean?"

"It means you put a want ad in the paper for new sidekicks." Alli said brightly. "If you wait, I can type up my resume real quick."

Buffy gave the girl a warning look that didn't even phase her. "Not funny. Why ARE you still here?"

Alli shrugged. "It's either this or look for Imp 13 and run him over with a tank. Only I'm lacking the tank and the imp." She tugged at one of her long pigtails. "Besides, you need help to find your friends and I'm a superhero. It's what I do."

"You," Buffy managed to choke back a laugh. "are a superhero?"

The blue haired body of perkiness nodded. "Yes! Well, kind of. I mostly tend to be a sidekick. But hey, I have credentials. I've been a sidekick to a demi-goddess, an immortal, Ares the God of War; although that was just a one time thing when we torched a police station because we were arrested at a party, and I'm currently a sidekick to my creator. She's a goddess by the way. We do the coolest stuff! There was this time when the imps were all being tortured and we had to go to Hell--"

"ENOUGH!!!" Buffy shouted. "Just shut up! I believe you! Just stop talking for five minutes and help me figure this out!"

Alli grinned. "I knew you'd come around." Her face turned serious. "What we're dealing with is a mastermind. A true criminal. Someone who can take your friends without you noticing."

"But why leave a sword?" Buffy asked. "Calling card?"

"Probably." Alli picked up a sword and swung it with obvious expertise. "Hmm. Maybe you should call your ex boy toy Angel. He's old. Maybe he's seen this before around here."

Buffy nodded and without a vocal reply, she headed straight for the phone.

Meanwhile, Alli was studying each blade carefully, testing the balance, and looking for any possible cracks in the blades.

"Weird. They look perfect. They fit perfect. There aren't even any scratches." She muttered. Alli looked up at the sound of footsteps to see Buffy had returned. Buffy's hands were clenched to her sides and her face was pale. "What's wrong?"

"Angel's missing."