TITLE: The Goddess Must Be Crazy.. Who Are We Kidding? She Is.
AUTHOR: Silence
DISCLAIMER: See previous parts
SPOILERS: General warning for everything.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you haven't, it might be a great idea to read "Confessions of a Mary Sue" before reading this.
Hey hey, finally, I updated. Evil stuffage.. But that's not the point, anyhoo, here ya go!
Feedback Fun:
Weirdbard: *snickers* Bro, you're evil. And hey, I'd soo watch Vampire Taunting..
BookCrazy77: Hehe, thankees! Torture Lacey style should be marketed for disciplinary problems everywhere.. If only so I could see like 5 people buying it.. Err..
Holly :o): Fanfiction.net ate your review! Evil.. *uber hugs* But thankees!
Ok, now on to fic.. Thanks all for commenting, its always great! *Cookies of DOOM for all*
~Silence, who has a craving for a Dairy Queen Blizzard~
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Part 11
Alleys & Dungeons, or What The Hell is Going On?
The Following Morning..
"Can I--?"
"No."
"How about that?"
"No."
"Can I at least--"
Alli let out a frustrated scream, causing several patrons of Diagon Alley to stare at her briefly. The young woman glowered at the 10 year old boy next to her. He looked like any ten year old boy, except for the devious look on his face and the jersey that read "13". "No you can NOT grope that woman." Alli hissed at the disguised imp. "We're on business here!"
"Yeah right." 13 muttered and folded his arms across his chest huffily. "It didn't stop you from hitting on that Oliver Wood guy."
"I was NOT hitting on him." Alli denied. "If I wanted a wizard, I'd go jump Raist's bones. But seeing as how he'd probably enjoy it, I'd be doing charity work." She sighed wistfully. "Although, he'd probably love it here. With the exception of all the people. And cheerfulness. And sunlight. Not too mention the fresh air."
13 rolled his eyes. "Charity work my ass." He pointed. "Can I at least get some ice cream?"
Alli's eyes brightened. "YEAH!! Ice cream!" She grabbed 13's arm and dragged him down the alley, barely paying attention to a pair of older witches talking.
"Samantha, darling, you really should--"
"Mother, I am NOT leaving my husband."
13 snickered and nearly tripped over a black cat running by. "Watch where you're going, you furball!"
"Can't talk, gotta hide!" The cat shouted as he dived into the crowd.
A blonde witch with a very American accent stormed out of one of the shops. "Salem! Get your no good furry butt back here!" She stopped next to Alli and 13. "Did you see a talking cat around here?"
"That way." The sidekicks said in unison.
The witch smiled. "Thanks." She quickly ran down the alley in search of the cat.
Alli and 13 blinked and glanced at each other.
"You know if we didn't already have portal experience, that would be weird."
13 nodded. "Yeah. Who was that anyway?"
"I'll explain later. Sugary goodness now."
****************
Buffy let out a soft moan as feeling came back to her body. "I feel like I got backed over by a truck."
"It was a very good looking truck."
"Anya.."
"What? He is!"
Buffy's eyes snapped open and she found herself in a strange dungeon that looked to be made of diamond. "Xander?"
The good looking young man gave her a crooked grin as he helped her sit up. "Hey, Buff. Nice of you to join us."
Anya nodded her head. "Oh yes, nice. Are you getting us out? Because the more time we're here, the more money I lose and less chance for sex I get to have." She gave Xander a pointed look. "Xander refuses to have end of the world sex in here."
"Anya, this isn't the time or the place--" Xander started to say.
"I bet suave Xander would do it. I wonder if Malfoy would split you in two for me." Anya rambled on. "Then again, probably not. I did curse him a few times when he was a teenager. Those were some of my favorites…"
Xander shook his head in disbelief as he sat next to Buffy. "She's been like this since we got here."
"Where are the others?" Buffy asked.
"In other cells around here." Xander said. "If you yell loud enough we can talk to them, but every time we do, these ugly orc things come and threaten us." He sighed. "They broke Giles' arm."
"We heard it snap from here." Anya said. "He screamed like a baby." She shrugged and joined them on the floor. "Then Lucius Malfoy came to taunt Giles about never graduating from Hogwarts or something."
"Huh?" Buffy looked as confused as Xander. "He knows him? And what's Hogwarts?"
"Magic school in England for wizards and witches of the wand wielding variety." Anya explained in a tone of voice that said 'how dumb are you?'. "Very top secret if you're a muggle."
"What's a muggle?" Xander asked.
"Non magic using person." Anya said. "Like you and Buffy." She frowned, "Although I bet they've heard of the slayer. I wouldn't know for sure. I never went except when a couple of girls summoned me when Malfoy used them. Obviously that last curse didn't take since he has a son."
Buffy glanced at Xander who merely shrugged. The slayer sighed. "Do you know why we're here?"
A figure walked through the diamond wall as if it didn't exist. Her hair was a shimmering white blonde that set off her perfectly tanned complexion. Her eyes were an emerald green that stared at them in amusement. She placed a hand on her hip, "Because you're a thorn, little slayer, that must be plucked from my rose."
Buffy's eyes narrowed as the power from the woman filled the room. "Oh goody, another delusional bimbo."
The woman's eyes flared in anger. "Watch yourself girl." Her composure cooled quickly. "I wouldn't be so cocky, after all, I disposed of the key easy enough."
"What did you say?" Buffy asked slowly as she got to her feet.
"Who do you think stalled you enough to keep you from reaching it?" She smirked. "A few choice whispers and I had the girl eating out of my hand."
"YOU BITCH!!" Buffy screamed and ran at her, ignoring her friends' shouts.
Their captor's smirk never faded, but she flicked her wrist, sending Buffy flying across the room. Buffy hit the diamond wall with such force it shattered and she went tumbling into a dark void beyond.
"Oops." Amalthea said with a laugh. "I hope the slayer enjoys oblivion." She walked back through the wall laughing.
Xander and Anya ran to the shattered wall. "Buffy!!"
The wall healed itself just as Xander prepared to follow Buffy. His fist struck the wall in anger. "No!"
Anya touched him lightly on his chest, "What are we going to do now?"
*****************
"You know, you're in deep shit."
I beamed. "Ha! As if. It's all planned. Just go. Shoo. Do your thing."
"Why do I have to clean up your mess?"
"Because you're the nicest, greatest, sweetest--"
"…"
"Because it's more fun if you do it. You KNOW you're dying to do it."
"You owe me more then you can imagine."
"Oh yeah? Who helped save 33? I didn't see you going into Hell to save him."
"You didn't even tell me everyone was going!"
"It's not my fault you don't check your messages!!" I paused and pointed. "There she goes."
"I see her. I'll deal with it."
I nodded. "Cool. Oh here." I handed over a magazine. "You have to check that out." I snickered at the look. "Trust me."
**************
Harry scanned the busy alley as Lacey pet one of the many owls sitting outside of Eeylops Owl Emporium. Much to Lacey's horror, they had ridden his broomstick from Hogwarts to Diagon Alley. He'd tried apparating them both and floo powder when available, but it had seemed nothing would work. He ran a hand through his unruly hair and grimaced as he remembered how Lacey had nearly pushed him out a school window at the suggestion of flying.
" NO WAY!!" Lacey had screamed at him, her face paler then usual and her eyes wide in terror. "Nononono! We are NOT going anywhere in the air unless it's in a damned plane and I'm surrounded by a giant metal shell so I don't have to look down!"
Of course, she had agreed to it in the end, but Harry was pretty sure he was going to have permanent bruises from how tightly Lacey had been holding him. "It'll match the ones I gained from Angelus.." Harry murmured. Thankfully Lacey seemed to have calmed down upon landing.
Lacey walked over to Harry who was staring down the alley. "I'm going to kill you. You know that right?"
Then again, maybe not. Harry sighed. "Can it wait until after we've found Professor Dumbledore and Hagrid?"
The woman nodded. "Fine." They started walking, "I can't believe you lost my hat."
"I told you I was sorry." Harry insisted. "I didn't see that bird!"
"Well how did you expect me to see it?" Lacey snapped bitterly. "I was too busy keeping my eyes closed so when we fell to our deaths I wouldn't have to see it."
"I'll buy you a new one, all right?" Harry said, trying to end their bickering before anyone noticed.
"You'd better." She muttered.
The two continued in silence and Lacey finally sighed.
"I'm sorry I snapped at you." She kicked at the ground as she stopped. "I just.. You know, hate heights."
Harry watched her with curiosity before shrugging. "It's all right."
"Yeah well.. You don't have to buy me a new hat." She said. "I'll just order another one online when I get home." Lacey paused and gave him a small smile. "If it makes you feel better I have a 101 ways to skewer an elf."
Harry blinked at her in confusion. "What?"
"Legolas the elf, mines of Moria, big almost bottomless type pit with broken stairs. Long way down. He made me go across so I plotted his death. I even wrote it all up when I got home." Lacey's eyes held a faraway look in them. "Adore that elf, but my god, you DON'T do that."
"If you adore him and have a 101 ways to skewer him, I'd hate to know what you have planned for me." Harry said.
Her eyes lit up and she grinned. "I'm only up to 57. Give me time." She shoved him lightly. "Several of them involve that wand of yours though."
Harry chuckled just as a voice called out to them.
"Hey! You! Harry!"
