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Work in Progress. If you like this story, check out my other stories on the Fanfiction Net, Twisting the Hellmouth, and Fonts of Wisdom websites. Other sites please ask before using.
by Marcus L. Rowland
XIX
"I hope you don't mind me asking a personal question," Buffy said as she helped April clear the table, "but what'll happen to the food you ate?"
"It's kept in a storage compartment until I can empty it. I don't have much room in there which is why I didn't eat much. Some of the water is used by my fuel cells."
"Can you taste food?"
"No. Warren didn't build me a sense of smell or taste."
"It's certainly.. um.. convincing, I didn't even think about it until halfway through the meal."
"I was built as a girlfriend, and boys take their girlfriends to restaurants. It would be odd if I didn't eat. If I'm to live as a human I need to act like one. Eating together is an important social activity."
"I guess. It's kinda odd... a week ago we were kinda a robot-free zone here, now there's you, Willow's two moms and two dads, and now that..." She gestured towards the living room.
"Yes, it is odd. I tried to interface with it earlier, it seemed to like me. But it doesn't speak much English yet, and our communications protocols are very different."
"Willow says it understands most things, but Sheila didn't think of having it built to talk to anyone apart from her, it's got to learn to speak English. It's pretty fluent in Baltian. Give it a week and it'll be running for Congress. Who'd've thought something that size..."
"If Yoda is to believed, 'size matters not'."
"Yoda? You've been busy, getting the voice right and everything. Or was that in Warren's original programming?"
"He wanted a girlfriend who shared his interests, so I had to know something about them."
"Yeah, but I bet he didn't exactly emphasise feminine interests. We have so got to show you Thelma and Louise, and some other girl-type movies."
"I've read reviews, it sounds interesting."
"Okay, I think that's everything in the wash, let's get in on the fun."
"Are we at least agreed that we're calling him Mr. Zap?" asked Willow, holding up a grey kitten. It licked her fingers with a rough tongue and looked around alertly, then changed its fur to a floral pattern matching her blouse.
Buffy came in from the kitchen. His head whipped round to follow her movements, then he relaxed as he recognised her. His head continued round through 360 degrees to look back at Willow. "If he's gonna pretend to be a normal kitten he's gonna have to stop doing that, it really weirded me out the first time I saw it. Why Zap?"
"'Cos of the weapons systems. The rest of the stuff he's got, the claws and the teeth, were mainly designed for fighting something about the same size as a Baltian, although he can do a lot of damage that way if he has to. Think of him as a teeny version of Wolverine, only with twenty claws."
"Twenty-two," said Tara, "He's got six claws on his hind legs, like some real cats."
"I still can't believe getting him just after the whole Warren thing," said Dawn.
"It is weird," said Willow, "the only thing I can think of is that it might be a side effect of the way the spell is working and the time lines are merging. We know that it's causing strange coincidences, this must be one of them. Anyhow, officially he's your kitten if that's cool with you and Buffy."
"Uhh... To be honest, I'd still prefer a real kitten. The whole thing about kittens is that the way that they behave, the things that they do are just naturally cute, with Zap I know he'd be faking it. And there's the whole watching them grow up thing, which I wouldn't get with a robot. I'm sorry Zap, no offence meant, I know it isn't your fault, but I think it'd just be kinda odd. Does that make sense at all, Willow? I mean, I guess your mom was planning to give you Zap and pretend he was a real kitten, what would you have thought when you found out?"
"I think I see what you mean," said Willow. "She ordered him when I told her that Kitty Fantastico was dead, I guess a robot wouldn't have been much of a substitute at that."
"Poor Kitty," said Tara. "I wish I'd been able to kick Glory's ass for that. I doubt she even knew she killed her when she smashed into the dorm. You're both right, a robot just wouldn't have been the same."
"It was just an idea."
Zap said something in Baltian, Willow nodded and said "Zap says why not get a real kitten too, that way you'd have what you want and he'll have a chance to study one up close."
"He understood all that?" asked Dawn.
"Pretty much."
"Wow. Like I said, no offence meant."
A tiny voice said "Not taken."
"Buffy, can I do that? Get a kitten?"
"Sure," said Buffy. "I already said, didn't I? If you want to pick one from the pound or something it's cool with me."
"Can I go tomorrow?"
"I won't be able to go with you, I'm working, so go with Willow or Tara, make sure it's healthy and that it's been fixed. I'll write a note saying you have my permission. Willow, no offence to Zap but you're positive he won't hurt anyone?"
"I've told him to use minimal force," said Willow, "and to give strangers the benefit of the doubt until their intentions become clear. I'm getting him up to speed on monsters and stuff as fast as I can, I've shown him pictures of Warren and told him to knock him out on sight, and he knows what our friends look like. And he's smart Buffy, he's beginning about where April is, he won't make stupid mistakes. Or get captured by demons wanting to play kitten poker, he already knows about that one."
"Okay. Hi Zap, welcome to the Scooby Gang." Buffy gave him a mock salute; to her surprise the kitten returned it. "Now that is cute. You knows that you're gonna have to spend a lot of time pretending to be a normal kitten?"
"Is cool," said Zap.
"And you'll be careful not to hurt a real kitten if we get one?"
"Sure."
"Okay, let's find some string and a ball then, see how well you can fake it..."
"Just had a thought about Warren," Spike said to the phone later that evening.
"Go on," said Mister Shark.
"Well, it just occurred to me that I can't kill him while he's a human, can't even hurt him, but that wouldn't stop your boy Jerry from turning him. Then I could kill him okay, in fact it'd be a pleasure. Or let the Slayer have him, she'd welcome the excuse to stake him."
"It's a charming idea, Mister Spike, but I've just found out the reward the police are offering for him. Do you think the Slayer would offer more?"
"Doubt she could afford it. But how do you plan to collect it?"
"I don't understand, Mister Spike."
"Don't get me wrong, but you're a demon with a shark's head, and none of your boys are exactly normal-looking. Even Jerry doesn't exactly come across as mister not-at-all-undead, does he, and he's going to have a job calling in during office hours. Any of you go anywhere near the police it's out with the riot guns faster than you can spell 'Teenagers on PCP'"
"You may have a point."
"Damn right I do. What you need is an intermediary, someone who can collect the reward for you. Of course they'd want a share."
"We've already agreed seven percent, Mister Spike."
"Can't be me, not in the daytime. You need someone you can trust, someone that'll keep their promises, someone the police will talk to."
"The Mayor's dead, Mister Spike."
"I'd heard. I was thinking more of someone else."
"The Slayer?"
"Bingo."
When Buffy slipped out for her 2 AM patrol Spike was waiting for her, watched from the porch by the older Sheila body-suit.
"That's creepy," said Spike after they'd kissed. "Willow still controlling her?"
"I think she's on auto-pilot, everyone's asleep. Come to think of it, I thought you'd gone home to sleep."
"I did, but I had some interesting visitors. The Shark and his pals, wanting to sell me Warren."
"How much did they want?"
"More than I'd pay them. But I came up with an interesting alternative. They hand him over to you, you turn him in for the reward money, they get fifty percent."
"Fifty?"
"They wanted seventy-five, had to bargain them down."
"It's tempting..."
"Damn right it is. He's wanted for the museum robbery, half a dozen counts of theft and fraud, the IRS are looking for him and so are the credit card people. If you got fifty percent it'd solve your money problems, you'd have the breathing space to get a proper job instead of working for Doublemeat bloody Palace."
"But..."
"But nothing. If you don't they'll do something horrible to him, the Shark was talking about getting a vamp to turn him so you'd have to stake him."
"I'd almost rather..."
"I could maybe persuade him to do it if you'd like that."
"No. I guess turning him in is the best thing we can do. We can't just let him be eaten, and if everything Willow says is right I don't want him on the loose anywhere near Sunnydale. I suppose we might as well benefit from it."
"Pity, but I suppose you're right."
"So when do we do it? I'm working the evening shift tomorrow and the next day's my birthday - you'll be coming to the party?"
"Try and keep me away."
"Okay, so that pretty much means we either do it tonight or in two days. I think it's gonna have to be tonight, we leave him with them for a couple more days, there's no telling what they'll do to him. How do we contact them?"
"He left me a cellphone number, I'll give him a call."
"Willy's Place?" asked Buffy, "They want to meet in Willy's Place?"
"What have you got against Willy, love?"
"Apart from him being an untrustworthy sleazeball who wanted to shoot nude photos of me and Kendra and sold Angel out to.. um.. you?"
"Point taken. Let's get over there, it's already nearly three and sunrise is pretty early."
"...let's get this clear," said Buffy, "you get fifty percent of the reward after tax. I don't know how the tax on rewards works, I'm not gonna give you fifty thousand, or whatever half the reward is, then find that they want me to pay more than that in taxes."
"You drive a hard bargain, Slayer," said Shark. "There are other brokers I could use for this, you know."
"You know you can trust me to keep my word. At the moment, I'm just barely convinced that it's better to do business with you than to slay you and your minions and find Warren for myself. I doubt he's far away. I'll give you my word on fifty percent after tax. Anything less, and I'll give you my word that I'll find Warren and take him from you, whatever it takes to do it."
"That's beautiful," Willy said from the bar, "as a connoisseur of threats I have to say it's one of the..." He noticed their glares. "Okay, shutting up now."
"I have to agree," said Shark, "that's truly an inspiring speech. Okay, Irving, go get Jerry and the sack, bring him in."
The Miquot demon went out, came back in a couple of minutes later with the vampire, who was carrying Warren in a sack on his shoulder. He dumped him on the floor.
"Let's just take a look at him," said Buffy, "make sure it really is Warren."
"Oh ye of little faith," said Shark. Irving pulled one of his natural knives from his head and used it to cut the rope around the sack and pulled it off. Warren was revealed, bound, gagged, dazed and filthy.
"Spike," said Buffy, "can you just check he's still human? Don't want to give the police a fledgling vamp or something."
Spike hit Warren hard enough to rattle his teeth, and growled as the chip jolted his brain. "Oww. Bastard's still human."
"Okay," said Buffy, "You've got a deal. Fifty percent after tax. You have my word. We'd better get moving, not long until dawn."
"See you around, Slayer," said Shark, and he and his men moved towards the door. Buffy pulled Warren to his feet and held him by the neck.
"Before you all go," said Willy, holding out a wooden box with a slot cut in the top, "I'm making a collection to get something for Rack, poor guy's been admitted to the psycho ward at Sunnydale Hospital. Keeps mumbling numbers."
"Tough break," said Shark, dropping twenty dollars into the box. Irving and Jerry each gave five. Buffy shrugged and dropped in a dime.
Spike thought for a second then took a book of matches from the bar, set fire to it, and dropped it into the box. "Sorry boys, but I never did like that bastard. Hope he rots."
Buffy stared at him, he looked back and said "What? You want me to pretend I like him? Remember Niblet's arm, and the rest of it?"
"You always were a man of principle," said Shark, "Good thing that note was a forgery or I'd be a little annoyed." Irving and Jerry looked disgusted but said nothing.
"Let's go," said Buffy. "Spike, reach into my pocket and find my cellphone and the number for the MIB guys, they want to talk to him."
Warren mumbled something, Buffy ignored it. They left Willy frantically scrabbling at the box and went their separate ways.
To Be Continued
Author's note: Just realised that I have the name of Willy's Place wrong in previous chapters, and have called the loan shark Mr. Shark instead of Mr. Teeth. I'm not going to change this now, so for the purposes of this story Mr. Teeth is on vacation and his cousin has taken over the business temporarily. PLEASE tell me about things like this if you notice them!
