TITLE: The Goddess Must Be Crazy.. Who Are We Kidding? She Is.
AUTHOR: Silence
DISCLAIMER: See previous parts
SPOILERS: General warning for everything.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you haven't, it might be a great idea to read "Confessions of a Mary Sue" before reading this.
Okay, sorry to anyone still reading, for the total lack of updating. Writer's block whacked me good when I was half done with this chapter. But enough of that, I do have an update! So.. Um.. Run in fear?
I like Feedback, You like Feedback. Cool.
Paige Darke: Aww.. Thank you! You are totally forgiven! Uber hugs and here, have a cookie of DOOM! ^_^ (I usually hate cliffhangers myself, but sometimes.. It's too hard to resist.)
Holly:o): Thanks! And see? More right here!
Cynda-chan: Thank you! And I always write.. It's just a matter of um.. on what.. Lol *hides her documents for world domination*
Thanks to all who keep reading, I appreciate it! ^_^
And now, yup.. On to the fic.
~Silence, who is uber paranoid lately~
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Part 12: Lacey Gets a Headache
I frowned as a ten year old boy came running over to us. I glanced at Harry who looked just as bewildered as I probably did.
"Can I help you with something?" Harry asked the boy.
The boy glared. "It's me! 13!"
Harry's eyes widened. "But you're human!"
"It's a thing those imps can do." A female voice explained. It's owner stepped up behind the human 13, and grinned. She had bright blue hair pulled into pigtails and blue eyes. At the moment she was busy finishing an ice cream cone. "I'm Allison. Everyone calls me Alli." She popped the final bit of the cone in her mouth, and quickly polished it off. "I'm here to save the world!"
I took a step back. "Wonderful. First Scary Sue, then Evil Sue, now we have Perky Sue."
Alli's eyes narrowed. "Hey! I am NOT a Sue. Well.. I mean, yeah, I'm used as one a lot, but really, it's all in fun."
I snorted. "Whatever."
"Look, call me what you want, but I'm here to help! Okay? God!" She rolled her eyes.
Harry interrupted. "We have more important things to worry about then this." He turned to 13. "Where's Professor Mythe?"
13 shrugged, his face filled with boredom. "Eh, Lucius Malfoy killed her.
"WHAT?" Harry looked horrified. "She's.. Dead?"
Wonderful. Let's have a death for angst. Someone loves to make Harry feel bad. Speaking of Harry, he looked pale and troubled. Sigh. And now just as the angst should kick in, we'll probably breeze by it right about--
Alli stomped on 13's foot. The boy/imp yelped and hopped around as Alli shook her head. "She got better. Any way, I'm not sure why you're here, but we have to save Buffy the Vampire Slayer and her Scoobies."
Now. Boy that was quick. I did a double take. "Buffy?"
"Buffy from that tv show you mentioned?" Harry asked. "The one where that Angelus came from?"
I nodded. "Yup. So what happened to Buffy?"
Alli flicked an ice cream cone crumb off her shirt. "The Malfoys took her. What about you?"
"Dumbledore and Hagrid were kidnapped." Harry said.
"Let me guess, everything was in perfect order and there was a blade laying about." Alli grinned at our shocked looks. "That's what I thought. It's all we found at her friends' places."
I rubbed my temples. I was getting a headache. Everything was coming together in a messed up way and it was annoying me. "So Amalthea took the Scoobie Gang and The Potter Gang."
Alli blinked. "Who's Amalthea?"
"All powerful evil Sue who I killed when I was on Middle Earth."
Alli grinned suddenly. "Oh!! I know-- Okay. This Amalthea is obviously the bad guy so I say we team up!"
13 kicked her in the shin. Alli cried out as he cackled. "It's about time. Can we go now?"
It was Harry's turn to sigh. "But where are we going to go?"
I shrugged. "Don't look at me."
Alli rubbed her shin and muttered a string of curses. She straightened up and tapped her chin in thought. "If I were an uber Sue, what would I do?"
"I'd gather some allies, take out the competition and create my own pocket plane to hide in." I said with a shrug. Everyone stared at me. "What?"
"She's good." Alli said.
13 shrugged. "I've seen better."
"Voldemort." Harry murmured.
"Huh?" I asked.
"My scar." He brushed his fingertips across his scar. "Yesterday.. It must have been a sign."
"She brought Voldemort back?" I squeaked out. "Great. She's got Angelus AND Voldemort."
"And Lucius and Draco Malfoy." Alli added. "So how did Amalthea get all these high cards?"
"We haven't figured that out yet." Harry said. "We don't even have a motive."
"Does it matter?" I said. "She's a psycho bitch. She likes to manipulate things to her advantage. Amalthea has control of the deck, and we're screwed."
Alli flashed a mysterious smile. "She doesn't have ALL the cards." She pulled an Ace of Spades out of thin air. "I still have this."
That was when 13 started to whine. "I want a Happy Meal."
Alli ignored him. With a flick of her wrist, the Ace disappeared. "We need a game plan. I think we should start going through a list of likely places for a villain to hide, and go from there."
"That could take days!" Harry exclaimed. "By then, Dumbledore and the others could be dead!"
"I want a Happy Meal."
"I doubt she'd kill them." I said. "She's probably using them as bait for us."
Alli nodded her head. "True true. So okay. If I were an Uber Twisted Sue, where would I hide?"
"I WANT HAPPY MEAL!"
"We are NOT getting you a freaking Happy Meal, 13!" Alli snapped. "The last McDonalds was like three miles away and we don't have time for it!"
13 pointed down the alley. "There's a Golden Arches right there."
The rest of us followed his gaze. I can safely assume all our jaws dropped in horror.
Snug as a bug in the alley, was..
A McDonalds.
Oh sure, it was calling itself 'The Golden Arches', but there was no mistaking it. It looked like a McDonalds. It smelled like a McDonalds. It no doubt tasted like one.
"What is THAT doing here?" Harry sputtered out.
"That's definitely out of continuity." I said and ran a hand through my hair.
Alli looked mildly amused. "Huh. Why didn't we see that earlier?"
"So can I?" 13 pleaded.
"Why the fuck do you want a stupid Happy Meal?" I asked him.
"I know why." Alli announced. She pointed to a girl in uniform behind the counter.
The girl was your typical buxom blonde bimbo.
I hated girls like that. They ALWAYS made me feel self conscious. I immediately folded my arms across my chest, only to hear 13 snicker. "Shut UP."
"This can't be coincidence." Harry suggested. "What do you think?"
"I'm thinking I wish I had a shit load of weapons before I step foot in there." I replied.
A soft jingle of a bell echoed through the alley. I turned to see a wobbly looking cart being pushed by a hooded figure. The cart made a rickety sound as it's wheels squeaked and turned. I blinked twice in curiosity.
The cart and it's owner came to a stop in front of me. One of the front wheels chose that moment to fall off. It rolled to a stop at my feet. "Gods be damned!" The hooded figure shouted in a deep and booming voice. An obviously male voice at that. He leaned towards me. "The wheel."
I arched an eyebrow. "What about it?"
"Hand it over."
"Get it yourself. I'm not your fucking slave." I snapped.
"Oh that's it!" The man's voice boomed again. "I'm not taking this mortal's shit!" A finely manicured finger tapped him on the shoulder, the sun glinting off the metallic blue nail polish. He spun around just as a matching hand ripped his hood off. "By Hades, what do you want?"
Alli beamed at him. "I KNEW IT!!! I knew I recognized the stench of sweat soaked leather."
My eyes went wide. Underneath the hood was a clearly recognizable face to me. He had short black hair, a matching mustache and goatee. The man removed the rest of his robes and tossed them on the pavement with a snarl. He wore black leather with silver studs on it and carried a big ass sword at his hip.
"ARES!" 13 exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"
"Looking for a date." Alli snickered. "He's hoping to come across Umbridge. He gets off on the 'Hem hem' and all that."
Harry blanched at the mere thought of that.
I was in shock. Ares. The Greek God of War. Whoa.
"Hand me that wheel. NOW!" He shouted at me.
My eyes narrowed. "I'm NOT your flunkie. Do I look like Discord?"
He looked me over and I forced myself not to cower from his once over. "In that outfit? A little. Hair isn't as big. And you could use a little more in the--"
Alli smacked him on the back of the head. "Leave her alone you perv. Do you want me to fill your codpiece with metal again?" With that, she pulled the tarp off the cart and her eyes lit up. "Ooh! Weapons!"
The rest of us looked, and much to my glee, there was a nice little arsenal. I picked up a sword. "Oh this is pretty." It was a rip off of the Green Sword from 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. I put it back wistfully, and Alli forced it back in my hand. "Huh?"
She tilted her head. "Take it! You'll need it." She pushed it towards me with more force. She shoved something else in my hand and forced me to put it on under my robe before anyone noticed. Then she grinned at Ares. "What did you do to deserve this?"
"Xena bitched." He muttered. At Alli's cackle he glared. "Oh shut up!" He snarled at the lot of us. "Just take something and get the hell out of here!"
13 picked up a whip. "What, you aren't coming with us? I'll give you a copy of Amazons Go Wild."
Ares eyes were interested. "As tempting as that sounds.. NO." He shrugged. "This is a mortal thing."
With that, he vanished in that godly way he always had in Xena & Hercules. You know, with the light, glitter, and stuff. The cart creaked unsteadily before collapsing under the weight of the weaponry.
We cast frantic looks around as the patrons of the alley started for the commotion.
"I think it's time to go." Harry said as rusty shield rolled past his feet.
I nodded in agreement and we headed inside 'The Golden Arches'. No sooner had we stepped inside, then we were greeted by the wonderful world of modern technology. Muggle tech at that. I could feel my brain melting out of my ears. Where were the continuity police when you needed them?
13 bolted for the counter and Alli sighed. "You guys get seats. I suppose I'll buy him something, unless either of you have money."
I rolled my eyes. "Do I look like I have any place to put cash?"
"I have some galleons on me." Harry offered politely.
Alli smiled. "Never mind. Who knows what they want in payment. Go. Shoo. I'll bring you back some sugar." The blue haired girl worked her way into the line behind 13, who was bouncing around like crazy.
"Over there?" Harry asked and pointed to a table away from the front windows. "I'd like to avoid any--"
"Screaming fan girls wanting your hottie self?" I teased as we headed for the table. He blushed slightly and I snickered. "Don't worry, if anyone gets fresh, I can always claim to be Voldemort's daughter or something and let them scream in terror as they flee."
We sat down across from each other and he rolled his eyes. "More then likely they'd call the Aurors and have you placed under lock and key."
"Kinky." I said and toyed with the salt shaker. "So does Voldemort really have a daughter?"
"Not as far as I know." Harry said. We sat there in silence while I played with the salt and pepper shakers. After a few minutes, the boy who lived spoke up again. "This is awkward."
I arched my brow, I seemed to do that a lot, "Yes, because sitting with me is never normal."
He gave me an exasperated look. "I MEANT the restaurant. It's completely out of place and wasn't even here before."
"Which is why it's the obvious choice for a Mary Sue's home base." Alli said and sat down next to Harry. 13 happily slid into the booth next to me and opened his Happy Meal as Alli babbled. "The key is finding out how it's connected. Here." She slid the plastic tray towards me and Harry, offering us a couple of drinks. "I figured butterbeer is safe, and less conspicuous then ordering the Crystal Pepsi or the New Coke. They have RC Cola too. And I think I saw Tab."
I blanched. "New Coke? Ugh, as if I needed more proof of Sue's evil." I took a sip of my butterbeer. Oh my. It was much better then the recipes online made it seem. Of course, that was when I'd realized I'd drank very little in this fucked little tour of hell, so I downed half of it quickly. Harry just stared at me in shock. "I'm thirsty, okay?"
"Whoohoo!" 13 let out a yell. In his hand was an opened Happy Meal toy.. Of Xena. He started to play with it and put it in different positions. After a few minutes of us watching in a mix curiosity and fear, he pouted. "You call this bendable? You can't even put her in the 69-OW!!" He rubbed his head and glared at me.
Yes I whacked him. You didn't see the deep shade of red the golden boy was turning. That and I really didn't want the visual in my head.
13 mumbled about me being a psycho ho beast and complained loudly, "Where the hell is the Gabrielle figure? You can't pose Xena without Gabs!"
Alli calmly took a drink of her butterbeer. "You really think Xena would want you to do that?"
"Well she did keep Gabs in a magic pocket for awhile.." 13 said.
Harry flashed me a questioning look and I shrugged. It was nice not being the only clueless one here.
"Do you think SHE would appreciate it?" Alli tried again. This time 13 glowered and once more tried to bend Xena, only to have Alli snatch the figure away from him. "I think I speak for everyone when I say, we don't want to see what you're going to do with her next."
As 13 grumbled, I decided that he didn't need his cookies. What? The cookies are the only reason to get a Happy Meal these days. The toys tend to suck, unless you're in the wizarding world apparently, and the food is only mediocre. But the cookies? Godly.
I reached into his box and pulled out what was usually the small cookie bag. Only it wasn't. I frowned and opened the package up.
"Hey! My cookies!" 13 shouted.
"Shut up." I snapped. "You didn't get any." Inside the baggie was a folded up note.
Head for the freezer.
"Great." I muttered. "I get to freeze to death." I handed the others the note and Alli beamed after reading it.
"I love convenient plot devices." She said.
"Isn't this a bit too obvious?" Harry asked. "It could be a trap."
"It's not." Alli said. "Come on, Harry, you HAVE to recognize Mythe's writing."
He nodded. "I do, but it could be a forgery."
Alli stood up. "It's so not. Now come on."
I didn't move. "We can't just go in there. We need a distraction."
"I've got one." 13 said. He climbed onto the table and took a deep breath. "Oh my god. Lucius Malfoy is dancing around naked in front of Gringotts!!"
No one moved. 13 stomped his foot. "Come on!"
I sighed and stood up. I walked over to the front windows and waited.. I gasped. "J.Lo and Ben are walking outside!"
Much to my amusement, or horror, virtually everyone headed outside rather quickly. Weird. I was just kidding around too. But far be it of me to miss out on an easy opportunity like this.
"To the freezer, fellow heroes!" Alli cackled and led the way.
As we followed, I shook my head. "How the hell do they know J.Lo and Ben?"
"They just released Gigli as a play two months ago." Harry said. "Does that have anything to do with it?"
I sighed. "Why???"
"They plugged it as 'A Muggle experience you'll never forget'." Harry explained.
"Especially after you throw up your internal organs in disgust." I said.
Alli held up a hand. "We're here." She placed a hand on the large metal door. "Shall we?" Without waiting for an answer, she pulled it open and she gasped.
My brow arched.
Harry looked curious.
"So that's the secret ingredient for the burgers!" 13 said. "Where's the corset?"
Sitting up, as if just waking up, was one Buffy Summers. Her weary eyes flickered towards us. "What the hell am I doing in a freezer?"
"13 was hungry." Alli said as we all entered the icy tomb of doom. She offered her hand to Buffy. "You okay?"
Buffy allowed herself to be helped to her feet and nodded. "Grand. I just found out my sister was tricked into killing herself, found my friends, was knocked into a wall by a bitch with more expensive tastes then Glory and Cordelia combined, and I think I lost Mr. Pointy. You?"
"My friends were kidnapped." Harry offered. "And I got knocked around by a vampire called Angelus."
13 added his two cents. "Portaled here while running away from an angry mob of townswomen who didn't like the fact I made them a best seller in several worlds, watched Lucius Malfoy kill my friend Mythe, and I just had my Xena toy taken away by the blue ditz here."
"Dragged here from a parallel reality, only to find out the Hogwarts kidnapper is a Mary Sue that I killed in self defense on Middle Earth while mooning over an elf and going a bit crazy, and I'm able to beat up unsouled vampires with my Mary Sue skills of wand wielding." I said and took a breath.
"I got help." Alli replied simply and shrugged.
Buffy did a double take towards Harry. "Did you say Angelus?"
"He's probably a pawn of Sue's." I said. "Amalthea. The bitch with expensive taste."
Buffy looked somewhat panicked, but unfortunately she didn't have a chance to say more.
The freezer door slammed shut.
13 blinked. "Automatic doors?" That was when I realized he had already changed back into his imp form. At my confused look he grinned. "Trade secret."
Yeah. Whatever.
Then the wall to our left swung open wide.
"Ahh. More CPDs." Alli grinned. "God I love them."
"Speak for yourself." I muttered. "You've never been one."
Alli pat me on the shoulder. "There there. I'm sure there's an alternate universe version of you that managed to win Legolas."
I felt a twitch coming on. Rather then glare at her, which I should have, I headed for the open wall. "Are you people coming or what?"
I walked into the darkness beyond and clutched my green sword replica tightly. I stopped in mid-step and someone bumped into me, knocking me to the ground. "Hey!"
"Ah, sorry about that." Harry said from on top of me. "Alli pushes rather hard."
There was snickering and giggles as the place lit up like a Christmas tree.
I groaned at the heap Harry and me were in. The sound of a throat clearing made everyone look up.
Leaning against a thick crystalline wall, so thick you couldn't see through, was Professor Mythe. Only she wasn't wearing her clothes from before.
She was wearing a fully decked out Amazon queen outfit, that was ripped straight from Xena. It was all in black leather and she was flipping idly through a magazine called 'Amazon's Go Wild: The Complete Guide to the Video Collection'.
"Great. Attack of the Xena extras." Buffy snapped.
Mythe put the magazine down. She tilted her head. "That's no way to treat the person who saved your ass from Oblivion, Slayer." She glanced at me and Harry. "Now if you two wouldn't mind untangling yourselves, I think we have work to do."
