A BtVs / Men in Black crossover. Minor spoilers up to season 6 of Buffy, AU from then on. MiB set after the two films (don't know the animated series well enough to use it as a source) and suggested by the name of a character in the first film.

All characters belong to their respective creators / film companies / etc. and are used without permission. This story may only be distributed on a non-profit-making basis.

Work in Progress. If you like this story, check out my other stories on the Fanfiction Net, Twisting the Hellmouth, and Fonts of Wisdom websites. Other sites please ask before using.


Family Issues

by Marcus L. Rowland

XXI

"Okay," said Buffy, "I know you're Mulder, so I guess this must be Scully."

"Right initial, wrong name," said Riley Finn. "Actually, this is Sam. Samantha. My wife."

"It's an honour to meet you," said Sam.

"Your wife? Wow, fast work Riley."

"I'm sorry," said Riley, "I didn't mean to spring it on you like this, but I had to check out a situation here and I thought it'd be a good opportunity for you to meet Sam."

"Okay, put your guns somewhere safe then cm'on in and join the party." Buffy led them into the main room, saying "Guys, it's Riley and the unfortunate girl that he's married. Riley, I think you know everyone here apart from my cousin April. Guys, this is Sam Finn, Riley's wife. Sam, meet Spike, Willow, Tara, Dawn, Anya, Xander and April. And the kittens are Zip and Zap."

Riley looked around, saw the cards, and winced. "I'm sorry, If I'd realised it was your birthday I'd have left it until tomorrow."

"That's okay, you never were good at remembering dates. Congratulations, I guess. Sam, make sure you get a big calendar and highlight birthdays and anniversaries. Can I get you guys a beer or something to celebrate?"

"Thanks," said Sam, "Can I talk freely?"

"Yeah, everyone here is in on the Slayer thing."

"I know this is a little awkward, but we're trying to track down a very dangerous demon, we think it's somewhere in the area."

"Live in a sword, does it?" asked Spike, "'cos we've just killed one like that tonight, it crashed the party."

"Sword? No, it's a Suvolte demon... about the size of a bear, very dangerous. We think it's about to spawn."

"Too late," said Buffy, "we killed it about a week ago."

"Was there any sign that it might have laid eggs?"

"Sure, squished them too. And boy that was gross."

"Wow," said Sam, unconsciously echoing Buffy, "that's fast work."

"How did you know it was here?" asked Dawn.

"We were tracking messages from a black market source called The Doctor. He was offering to sell the eggs, with delivery in this area."

"We know about Doc," said Buffy, "Demon guy, tried to sacrifice Dawn, we killed him last year. Spike found the information about the Suvolte thing in his files."

"Not Doc," said Sam, "The Doctor, and much more recently. The last message was only a couple of days ago. Which is odd if you've destroyed the eggs."

"Spike," said Buffy, "You had Doc's papers. Any ideas?"

"Okay..." For once Spike actually looked uncomfortable. "If you must know, I'm The Doctor."

"What?"

"I'm The Doctor. It was a scam."

"A scam?" Willow asked incredulously.

"Well yeah. There was this business plan for harvesting the eggs and selling them in Doc's notes, and it seemed a pity to let it go to waste once we'd destroyed them. So I've got a fridge full of Nerff balls painted up to look like demon eggs, gonna sell them to his customers. Some acrylics, dash of luminous paint, some fluorescent dye, bit of demon blood to give them the right magical aura, bit of clay packed inside to get the weight right, you can't tell them from the real thing. Ought to make a fortune. Pay for Buffy to get out of her bloody job and get back to college."

"I thought you'd given up on selling them," Buffy said angrily.

"Sure, I'm not selling the real thing."

"Yep," said Xander, "Sounds like a Spike kind of plan."

"You've contacted some of the most dangerous supernatural arms dealers and outlaw governments in the world and plan to sell them Nerff balls?" Riley asked incredulously.

"Who're they going to complain to?" asked Spike, "The Chamber of Commerce?"

"That could actually be a very lucrative scheme," said Anya, "much safer than actually trying to breed the demons, their hatching time is very unpredictable. And as Spike says, who would complain?"

"Most of the guys he's been dealing with would complain with bullets," said Riley. "The rest would probably use hand grenades and car bombs."

"So?" said Spike. "Vampire, remember."

"You are," said Buffy, "but we're not. I don't want anyone getting caught in the line of fire."

"Umm... okay, I guess I can call it off. Not like I'd taken any money yet."

"Wait a minute," said Willow, "Riley, could you take over his plan, have one of your agents pretend to be The Doctor, maybe use it to catch some of these guys, make it look like it was always a US government sting operation? It must look like it's the real deal if it got your guys worried. That'd maybe help you and it'd take the heat off us."

"Maybe," said Riley, "That might not be a bad idea. Let me have everything; all the papers, the fake eggs, and anything else you have, and I'll see what I can do."

"That's good," said Buffy, "I really don't want anyone getting shot around here, we came close enough to that with Warren the other night."

"Warren?" asked Riley.

"Mad scientist type, decided he wanted to be a supervillain, he's been running around causing problems for me for the last few months. Matter of fact, he escaped from the police tonight, blew up the precinct house doing it. It's about the fourth time he's escaped."

"I knew the police here were bad, but..."

"It isn't just the police," said Willow, "he's kinda cursed, and the curse is playing him like a fish. He keeps struggling, and he keeps getting away, and I think maybe the curse is even twisting probability to help him escape, but every time it just lands him in even worse trouble. He's been beaten up three or four times, electrocuted, kidnapped by demons, lost all his money, somewhere along the way he's even lost a kidney. If he'd just given up the first time he was caught he'd probably just end up in prison, but he keeps making matters worse by trying to escape and trying to attack us. I'm almost feeling sorry for him, or would do if I didn't know why he was cursed."

"Okay," said Riley, "I'll bite. Why was he cursed?"

"Because in another time-line he killed Tara and I became a vengeance demon and managed to use other people's wishes to curse him and change my own past so radically that Tara's alive, I'm not a vengeance demon, and he's going through this as his punishment."

Riley sat there gaping. Sam said "Remind me never to get on your bad side."

"I couldn't do it again. Everything that led up to Tara getting killed was pretty much my fault. I got addicted to magic and hurt everyone around me, that left her in harm's way, then I went really bad with the magic when I was seeking my revenge. I remember just enough of the way things were to be sure that I don't want them to happen again. So I've pretty much given up on magic."

"You're probably wise. I've met addicts, seen how it usually ends. It isn't pretty."

"So what are you doing now?" asked Riley.

"Getting back into science mostly, and the research side of Scoobying. I was so busy being Wicca girl I'd neglected it the last couple of years, high time I got back to work."

"Sounds good." A thought crossed his mind. "This Warren... about your age, medium height, lots of bruises?"

"Sounds about right," said Buffy, "I've got a picture somewhere... here we go."

"Oh brother," said Sam. "He tried to carjack us about an hour ago when we were filling up at the edge of town, we left him handcuffed to a lamp-post."

"I'll check with the police," said Riley. "No wonder they sounded busy when I called it in. They ought to have brought him in by now." He got out a mobile phone, dialed, and spoke to the desk sergeant. The call ended with him saying "..well, I'd suggest you go look for him."

"Not there?" asked Buffy.

"They found the remains of the handcuffs."

"Remains?"

"They say it looks like something tore them apart."

"The service station you used," said Buffy, "Wasn't near the Mall, was it?"

Riley nodded. "Oh, bloody hell," said Spike.

"What's the problem?" asked Riley.

"There's a vampire nest somewhere around there," said Buffy, "we've been looking for it for a few days, but with Warren running around shooting at people then another demon on the loose it kinda got low priority. Either he broke free, or they found him before the police did. Okay, Spike and I'll check it out, see if we can track them by Warren's smell or something, you guys go on with the party. We'll stop by Spike's place on the way back and pick up the papers and the fake eggs."

* * * * *

"So," said Buffy, driving her Jeep towards the service station, "when were you planning to tell me about this wonderful money-making scheme?"

"When I'd made some money, pet."

"Stolen some money, you mean."

"Well yeah, but they're bad people, not like I'd be hurting anyone that didn't deserve it."

"Can you honestly tell me you thought through the consequences, what might happen to the people around you?"

"I wasn't planning to get caught."

"Nobody does... but if Riley and Sam are already this close do you really think that the arms dealers wouldn't have tracked you down? They may already be looking, if they're as dangerous as Riley says some of them might think of going after 'the Doctor' and stealing the eggs, rather than waiting to buy them."

"Oh bloody hell... You're right, I didn't think of that one."

"Thought not. Spike, if it was just me I'd let it go, I know you meant well, but I have to think of Dawn and the others. I want you to promise me that you won't do anything like this again, and this time mean it."

"Okay."

"Say it."

"Okay. I promise, no more scams."

"That's better. And you'll try to be a bit more responsible?"

"Hell, I thought that trying to get you more money was being responsible... Okay, I'll try."

"Good. Anything else I should know about?"

"Umm... I was sort of thinking of killing Shark and his boys so you don't have to pay them half the reward, does that count as a scam?"

"'Fraid so."

"Bugger."

* * * * *

"Where's Joyce tonight?" asked Riley.

"You hadn't heard?" Dawn asked coldly. "She died. A few weeks after you ran out on us."

"Oh... I'm very sorry, I thought she was recovering."

"We all did. We were wrong. Buffy and I had to get through it on our own, and when she was killed..."

"When who was killed?"

"Buffy. She was killed saving me from Glory."

"What?"

"You really have no idea, do you?" Dawn picked up the kittens and ran out and upstairs. They heard a door slam. Xander went up after her.

"What's she talking about?" asked Riley.

"Glory kidnapped Dawn and was going to kill her," said Willow, "Buffy killed her but died in the fight. I bought her back with black magic, as black as it gets. And I pulled her out of heaven to do it. I thought I was helping her, and I plunged her back into hell."

"Oh... Is that when you got addicted?" asked Sam.

"No. I was already well hooked before we killed Glory, even before Riley left, although nobody noticed. Nobody except Tara."

"Honey," said Tara, "It's over now. You didn't know where she was."

"I didn't even think of trying to check."

"I think maybe I will have another drink," said Riley.

* * * * *

"Dawnster," Xander said through the door, "Can I come in?"

"Just a minute... Okay."

Xander went into Dawn's room, and saw that she'd been crying and was cuddling one of the kittens.

"Riley didn't know. He was an idiot to run out, but you can't blame him for everything that's happened."

"Can if I want to."

"Yeah, but it really wouldn't be fair."

"It's just... he really had no idea, thought he could just walk back in here as though nothing had happened."

"Maybe it's just as well. There's things he doesn't know, maybe you don't want him to know considering who he works for."

"Such as?"

"Well, the Key thing kinda comes to mind. Imagine the Initiative going after that little source of power to add to their Frankenstein monster."

"Oh... yeah, that's true. Maybe you're right. It's just not fair... Buffy's been so unhappy, and he comes back married."

"Yeah, I know. It isn't fair, but that's the way things happen sometimes. So... ready to come back down."

"In a minute, I'm just waiting for Zap."

"Huh?"

"Well, I was kinda feeling petty and vindictive..."

"Okay, what did you do?"

"Asked him to let the air out of their tyres."

"Fine. Dawn, remind me never to get on your bad side."

"Okay. Remember this conversation when Christmas and my birthday come around."

"Deal."

* * * * *

"You know it's an odd thing," Buffy said to the gas station attendant, "there are four security mirrors in the station, and another three inside this store, and I can't see you reflected in any of them. Not you, and not your three pals that are doing a lousy job of sneaking up on me. Imagine my surprise."

She let a stake drop down her sleeve to her hand and snapped it back into the closest vampire's heart, with the usual results.

"Then again," she dodged sideways and staked the next vampire through the back, "you can't see my friend either." She pulled the stake out as it crumbled to dust, while Spike leaped from an aisle of groceries and pinned the attendant against the cash register. "Don't kill him yet, I want some answers." She pirouetted to kick the last vampire in the groin, grabbed its head as it doubled over, and rammed it through the glass front of a freezer cabinet, then smashed down on its neck to decapitate it. More dust.

"Okay, I guess I'd better introduce myself. I'm the Slayer, and this is my friend Spike, and we'd kinda like to know what you've done with the guy that was handcuffed to the lamp-post, and anyone else you might have here."

The vampire growled at her, she sighed. "Spike, let's start by breaking a few of his fingers..."

* * * * *

"So...," Sam asked April quietly, when she found a chance to talk to her alone in the kitchen, "What exactly are you?"

"You noticed?"

"You're good, but you're not human. Some sort of demon?"

"I'm a robot."

"You're kidding."

"No. Warren built me to be his girlfriend but abandoned me, later Willow helped me to become self-aware. Now Buffy and Dawn have adopted me."

"Nice of them."

"Yes, very. What gave me away?"

"Your speech mostly, the emotional accents are a bit off and you don't use many contractions. Also your eyes.. most people tend to pay a little attention to other people's mouths when they talk, you don't, and you blink less than anyone I know."

"Oh. Why do people look at mouths?"

"It helps if you're trying to understand someone who isn't speaking clearly, and mouth movements are an important part of non-verbal communication." Sam noticed that April was paying more attention to her lips and blinking a little faster.

"I'm trying to improve my social skills, thank you for the information."

"What's it like being a robot?"

April thought for a moment then said "Being a robot is easy, you just do what you are designed to do. Being human is much harder, especially for someone who isn't, you must know why you do the things you do. You must be self-aware."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Take sex," said April, "Warren built me to be his girlfriend, so much of my programming concerned sex. Since he was only interested in his own gratification my responses to various stimuli were pre-programmed. In some cases they were controlled by simple timer and feedback loops, in others they were triggered by the actions or words of the other participant. Essentially, I was faking it."

"And now...?"

"My body and programming were not designed to let me to enjoy sex per se, so any pleasure I gain from it will have to be intellectual; satisfaction in increasing the pleasure of my partner. I will gain no satisfaction without the appropriate partner, and I have no intention of faking it."

"So you'll be looking for love, not just lust."

"I think so."

"If you don't mind me saying so, this is a very strange conversation. I can't say that I've ever really thought of a robot as something that might want sex, let alone love."

"It makes more sense if you think of me as human, and that's where I want to be."

"I'll do my best. Uh... I suppose you'd rather I didn't mention this to anyone else."

"Please. I don't want to be treated as a freak."

"Okay."

"Thanks. Can I refill your drink?"

* * * * *

"Did you ever find out what the Key was, the thing that Glory was looking for?" Riley asked in the main room.

"Nope," Xander lied, "we don't even know for sure that it was ever in Sunnydale. The way she told it, the monks said they sent it to the Slayer, but maybe it got lost in the mail or something. Or maybe Faith had it all along."

"That'd be a hell of a twist."

"But.." Anya began.

"I know Glory thought it was here," Willow interrupted, catching on, "but we never knew for sure. She was a total insano, it could have been a figment of her warped imagination." She thought she saw a look of comprehension cross Anya's face, and hoped Riley hadn't spotted it. Fortunately Sam was out in the kitchen and hadn't seen, Willow had a feeling she was a lot more perceptive.

"What was she anyway?" asked Riley. "Some sort of demon?"

"A god."

"A.. a what?"

"A mad god from a hell dimension. Why do you think she gave us so much trouble? Got trapped here on Earth, thought she needed the Key thing to get home. Maybe she did, we'll never know now."

Dawn came in with the kittens and said "I'm sorry I snapped at you, I guess it wasn't really your fault."

"A lot of it was, but there's not really much I can do about it now except apologise."

"I guess."

Sam came in from the kitchen, followed by April, and said "Buffy seems to have been gone quite a while, maybe we should go look for her."

"Don't worry," said Xander, "Buffy can take care of herself, and she's got Deadboy Junior with her for backup."

"Even so," said Sam, "maybe Riley and I should get over there, see if we can help. I'd love to see her in action anyway. Come on, move it soldier."

"I married Rambo," Riley groaned. "Okay, I'm coming."

A few minutes later he was busy pumping up the tyres of the SUV, while Dawn tried hard to look innocent and Zap purred on her lap.

* * * * *

"In there?" asked Buffy, pointing to a padlocked door at the back of the service station. The vampire attendant nodded. Buffy kicked the lock, splintering the wood, and heard a muffled moan. She found a light switch, and saw four people duct-taped to pipes around the walls. None of them seemed to be Warren. She checked them for pulses, found that they were all still alive, and started to cut them loose.

"Okay, where's the other one," asked Spike.

"What other one?" asked the attendant. Spike twisted harder, dislocating his shoulder.

"The guy that was cuffed to the lamp-post."

"Uhh... Jerry took him."

"Jerry?" asked Spike, "Jerry that works for Mister Shark?"

"Yeah. He called in about twenty minutes ago for the Shark's protection money, said he'd have the guy as a bonus."

"Finish him," said Buffy. Spike twisted until the attendant's neck broke and he crumbled to dust.

"Okay," said Buffy, "maybe we won't be paying Shark that money after all..."

To Be Continued