Disclaimer: Do not own LoK. Nope. Not at all. _________________________________________________________

[The scene is the Pillars. Kain and the lieutenants were there (minus Turel and Melchiah; Turel was now trying to get out from under the boulder since he wasn't dieing and still being pestered) and Kain was having a "friendly and encouraging" chat with Zephon]

Kain: (to Zephon) You moron! Do you know what this means!? This means we'll have to wait a while till we can start filming!

Zephon: It wasn't my fault!

Kain: So you're saying it wasn't your fault that the 50-foot high pool which was gonna be used as the Abyss now has a shark in it!!

Zephon: Oh come on, I was gonna be like the crocodile hunter and play with the shark!

Kain: And what happened??

Zephon: The shark bit me! It's not my fault that animals love to bite me!

Kain: YOU MORON!

(then Melchiah walks up and he's wearing a uniform. Kain sees Melchiah and turns around)

Kain: (relieved sigh) Finally, a break from stupidity. What's up with the uniform?

Melchiah: (proud grin) I joined the Sarafan Navy.

Kain: ...

Melchiah: (proud smile)

Kain: (heavy sigh)

Melchiah: What?

(then Kain turned back to face Zephon)

Kain: (to Zephon) I think I'd rather talk to you right now.

Zephon: Goody.

Melchiah: What's wrong?

Kain: Melchiah, you're a moron!

Melchiah: Why?

Kain: Don't you even know what the navy is?

Melchiah: Yeah. When I asked, this nice Sarafan told me it was this group of people that goes camping and eats a lot of food and gets paid for it.

Kain: Melchiah, you are so damn stupid it's unbelievable.

Zephon: Yes! I'm not the stupid one!

Kain: Shut up.

(then the other lieutenants joined Kain and Kain told them about Melchiah)

Dumah: What a STUPID vampire! Ahahahahahahahahaha!

Raziel: Shut up Dumah!

Rahab: Melchiah, are you now the stupid king? Have you de-crowned Zephon? Is Zephon no longer the Stupid King?

Zephon: Hey! I'm the King alright!

Rahab: There is no way that Zephon is the King of Stupid anymore.

Zephon: Oh yeah! Well, once a shot my foot with a roman candle so I could see what my foot looks like when combined with a fire cracker!

Dumah: I don't know...

Zephon: Ah! I know a way to prove that I'm the King of Stupid!

(so Zephon proves it by kicking Kain in the groin)

Rahab: Zephon, you truly are the King of Stupid.

Zephon: Thank you!

(then Zephon he notices that being the King of Stupid is actually a bad thing. That fact is re-enforced when Kain got up and punches Zephon a few times)

Kain: Okay, back to the topic at hand. We have a shark in our Abyss, Melchiah's stupid self is in the navy and Turel's still missing. What're we gonna do?

Melchiah: What am I gonna do?

Kain: After we film, we'll deal with your problem.

(then Turel comes stumbling in and he slams the gates shut, shutting out Venris)

Turel: VENRIS, SHUT UP!!!! STOP PERSTERING ME!! JUST SHUT UP!! SOMEONE HELP

ME!! SHE WON'T STOP TALKING!!

Raziel: Good, you're here. We can start filming!

Melchiah: But what about me?

Zephon; And the shark! I wanna be like the crocodile hunter!

Raziel: Melchiah, you're screwed. Zephon, I'll deal with the shark.

Turel: I can't act right now, I need insanity rehab.

Kain: But you already have insanity. How can Rehab help you?

Rahab: It's Rahab!

Raziel: Hey Turel, if you cooperate, we'll let you sing.

Turel: Really!? Okay!

Kain: What!? I hate you Razzyboy!

Raziel: Let's get this film on the role!

Kain: I say that you hemorrhoid-face! Let's start this thing!

[So then the filming started. But soon, Razzyboy noticed a mistake. Kain was already jawless and scrawny. So they made a new stomach and jaw for Kain and it was made of Play-doh. The scene was, of course, the Pillars. Raziel, as 'Kain' was sitting on his throne while Kain, as 'Raziel' walked torward him Raziel]

Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Kain is deified. And Raziel isn't because HE SYUUUUUUUCKS!! The Clans tell tales of Kain, the nobel, kind, handsome, fearless, uber-cool hero who's better than Raziel because Raziel SUUUUUUUUUUCKS!!

(Raziel was starting to get pissed at Kain)

Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Few know the truth that Kain won the Nobel Peace Prize 5 years in a row and that Raziel won Stupid Idiot Prize 5 years in a row because Raziel SUUCKS!

(Raziel was now getting really annoyed at Kain cause Kain was saying bad things about Raziel)

Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Kain was human once, as we all were. Kain rivaled even Fabio while when Raziel was human, he couldn't even rival Fred Savage.

(now Raziel really had a hard time controlling the urge to mutilate Kain)

Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) However, Kain's concept for being a loving, caring, angel-like nature drove him to make a dumbass who is I, and five other dumbasses as well. But Raziel was the worse because Raziel SUUUUUUUUUUCKS!!

(about now Raziel wanted to castrate Kain, but Raziel couldn't during filming)

Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) I am stupid. Oh, I'm also Raziel, the first born out of six really stupid vampires that didn't know how to peel a banana because we're all stupid.

(now Raziel had to get one of those squeezy-balloon things that help relieve stress)

Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) I stood with the brave hero Kain and my fellow stupids at the dawn of the empire. I had served him a millennium, which is probably why Kain is so tired of seeing my ugly face.

(Raziel now had to resort to punching the arm of the throne to keep from attacking Kain)

Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Over time we became less George Clooney look-alike and more...stupid looking. Especially me. Kain would enter the state of metamorphosis by roling up in a ball like a butterfly and emerge with another layer of cool while I always looked stupid.

(Raziel really wishes he had a Kain voodoo doll right now)

Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Some years after our brave and courageous master, our evolution would follow. And evolving sucked, it was painful. It was a lot like puberty. That probably explains why I, Raziel, was a late bloomer.

(Dumah couldn't help but laugh at that)

Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Until I had the stupidity and carelessness and bastardness to surpass my master. I am such a bastard.

(Kain, as 'Raziel', bent down in front of Raziel. Raziel went behind Kain and wrote on his wings)

Raziel: (as himself and under his breath) Ha, now your wings are written on you SOB.

(so he wrote 'Now I'm the gay one!' on his left wing and 'Now my nuts got burned off in the abyss' on the right one. Then Raziel over-violently tore the wings off, causing Kain much pain. Raziel was supposed to stop now but he liked hurting Kain and ripped some more)

Kain: (as himself) Alright, stop stop stop stop!

Raziel: (as himself) Sorry. Just get carried away.

Kain: (as himself) Good. Idiot.

(so Raziel hurt Kain some more)

Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) For my transgression, which was me asking how many licks to the center of a tootsie-pop which Kain didn't know because he bit it after three licks, I earned to new kind of reward...getting my butt royally kicked.

(then the scene switched to the Abyss and Turel and Dumah were carrying Kain)

Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) There was only one possible outcome-listening to Hanson for the rest of my unlife. I, Raziel, was to suffer the fate of teletubbies and lawyers-to want to rip my ears off listening to Hanson forever in The Lake of the Dead Dudes.

Raziel (as 'Kain'): (clearly enjoying this way too much) Cast him in!

(so Kain was casted into the 50-foot high pool, which was the Abyss, but when Kain fell into the water, he didn't fall all the way down. Instead, there was a fishing line stuck to him. This was not in the script. The water was badly burning Kain. Back on the ledge with Raziel...)

Raziel (as 'Kain'): Okay, reel him in.

(so Turel reeled in Kain, who was still in the fishing line)

Kain: (as himself since this part wasn't in the script) OW!! THAT FREAKIN' HURT!! THAT WATER SURE AS SH** AIN'T MY FRIEND! RAZI-

Raziel: Shush, I'm Kain remember?

Kain: OH, DAMN YOU TO HELL!!

Raziel (as 'Kain'): Quickly Turel, cast him back in!

Kain: MOTHER FU-

(then Turel cast Kain in the pool again. Then Turel felt a pull and Turel reeled Kain in and Kain had the shark latched to his leg)

Kain: (continuing sentence from when he was in the pool) -UCKER, I'LL KILL YOU!! I'LL TEAR OUT YOUR SPLEEN!! HELL, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A SPLEEN DOES!

(then Raziel takes the shark off of Kain)

Raziel: (to himself as himself) Well, that's that problem solved. (as 'Kain') Okay, cast his stupid nuts-gonna-be-burnt self in.

Kain: OH, YOU STUPID SON OF A HERMAPHRODITE!! Wait a minute, did I just call myself a hermaphrodite?

(then Kain was thrown into the pool and the fishing line was cut. As Kain was falling into the pool, he marrated)

Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Tumbling, burning with white-hot fire I...wait a minute! White is a color, how the hell can it burn? I, Raziel, am such a retard.

(Raziel was to happy about hurting Kain to be insulted by that remark)

Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Unspeakable pain...hearing "MmmBop" for maybe the 100th time...time ceased to exist...only these boys who I once thought were girls and who I once thought were sexy...and a deepening hatred for flaps on coffee lids that damned me to this hell. But I don't hate Kain because I, Raziel, SUUUUUUUUCK!!

(Raziel couldn't help but laugh as Kain was in pain in the water. And a scrawny, tiny, tooth-picked size Kain made Raziel laugh. And midgets in tutu's made Raziel laugh too, but that's a different story)

Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) An eternity passed and the Hanson CD's were fading away. That or I started hearing C. Deon, which might've been worse, but it did bring me back from the precipice of madness. The ascent has destroyed me-crap, it's decent. What the hell, they were the same thing...but yet, I lived. Even though I'm dead I live. Okay, now I'm just confused.

(then Kain landed at the bottom of the pool, still in pain, and a large blue funnel appeared, which was the Elder God. Kain landed at the bottom on his head)

Kain (as 'Raziel'): (VO) Ho doggy, that hurt!

Janos (as 'Elder God'): BOO!

(Kain, as 'Raziel', gets to scarred that he has a heart attck in dies in Spectral, so he just reappered)

Janos (as 'Elder God'): Raziel...you are worthy.

Kain: (realizing that Janos was playing Elder's part) Merde d'Oh! I hate Elder God cause he's seriously got something up his butt and I hate Janos because he's a hippy. I really hate Raziel.

Janos (as 'Elder God'): Hey, shut up because you're now my bitch!

Kain: (heavy irritated sigh)

(the filming stops for now)

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[The scene is the Sarafan Navy recruiting office. The office consisted of three very small rooms. Kain and the lieutenants walked in]

Kain: (to recruiting officer) Are you the one who signed my son up for your navy?

Recruiting Officer: Yep.

Kain: Why?

Recruiting Officer: He's stupid.

Kain: No argument there. What's you name?

Recruiting Officer: Strife Weaselhead.

Kain: Well Strife Headweasel-

Strife: No, it's Strife Weaselhead.

Kain: Well, Strife Retardedhead, I need to un-sign up my stupid son.

Strife: But Zephon didn't sign up.

Kain: Not him, the other stupid one.

Dumah: Yeah, Melchiah, the lesser stupid.

Strife: I afraid I can't.

Kain: Even if I punch you?

Strife: Nope, not even if you punch me.

(so Kain punches Strife Weaselhead, but Strife isn't in any pain at all)

Strife: Hahaha, weakling.

Dumah: (to Kain) Here.

(Dumah hands Kain a paperweight and Kain throws the paperweight at Strife's face)

Strife: (in pain) Ow, I think you broke my nose! Fine, I'll un-sign him.

Rahab: If at first you don't hurt 'em, hit 'em in the face with a paperweight.

Kain: Yeah, it just worked for me.

Dumah: I wanna beat people with staplers next!

Kain: Okay, everyone out of this building.

Zephon: (thinks he smells blood in the office's 3rd room) Blood! Yummy!

(so Zephon runs off into the 3rd room. Kain and the others were in the 1st room)

Kain: I'll go get the idiot that runs around like he's constipated. You all wait for me at the Pillars.

Raziel: Oaky.

(they all leave and Raziel 'accidentally' locks Kain and Zephon into the tiny office)

Kain: (turning the locked door, but the door won't open) I really hate you Raziel.

(Zephon comes up to Kain)

Zephon: What's up?

Kain: We're locked in.

Zephon: YAY!! NOW ME AND MY DADDY CAN BOND!! Father-Son bonds are special.

Kain: I really hate you with every fiber of my being.

Zephon: (hugging Kain) I love you daddy!

Kain; This is gonna be a long day.

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Arghh! This took a long time because I was starting to (gasp!) run out of ideas. But I'm sure I'll have some good ideas. Also, this part wasn't the easiest the parody. Well, I hope you liked it and don't forget to review