Disclaimer: I did not invent the Holy Grail or Monty Python

THE HOLY GRAIL: WAS IT WORTH IT? PART 5

This is me going Holy Grail mad. I know no body except my friends have reviewed it so far so if you are reading it for the first time, REVIEW IT! It's not just here to look pretty, y'know. I'd even like a flame. Or something. Anything. I've put hours and hours into this… *sob*

And I do apologize for the weird formatting. The thing is, when I typed chapter 4 I was in a rush (so it was c* anyway) and I was on a different computer. However, my PC is wired up wrong, so it's an American keyboard ditto spellings. So I can't access some functions… sob sob sob.

I WILL NOT CONTINUE THIS UNLESS PPL REVIEW IT! Honestly! I need to know what you all think!!!!

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We last left Arthur in his courtroom, having just heard that he was guilty.

            "No! I'm innocent! I'm the King of the Britons! I decide who goes to jail!"

            "Not on my time," PC Denwood-Jones muttered as he dragged the former King to his cell. They went out of the courtroom, down the steps, and he threw Arthur into his cell again.

            "Five years, sonny. Ooh, that's a long time, y'know. Is there any… last requests?" PC Denwood-Jones smirked evilly.

            "Yes," said Arthur stoutly. "I'd like a Tattooist sent here right now. To tattoo me. Here in my cell." Here he stopped and looked defiantly at the officer.

            He looked surprised at Arthur's request – especially as he was in full Armour. Still, he shuffled off and within a couple of hours returned with 'Jim the Tattooist' from down the road. "What would you like done, me laddie?" he said.

            "Two swallows – European – carrying a coconut between them. On a bamboo line."

            "Ah yes – your friend wanted one t'other week. Sauntered off to the Caribbean shop across the road, then the tanning studio… what?"

            Arthur had turned a deadly shade of green. Then his madness got the better of him. Patsy hadn't been on holiday at all! The flying cow didn't kill him, of course Arthur knew that – he had just escaped, lived in London for a while, and then framed Arthur to suit his needs! Camelot! With Tim! And that dim Knight they'd picked up along the way, Boris, was it? Well, it didn't matter. Patsy had betrayed him that was what mattered! His faithful servant, Patsy… how could he? How could he throw away years of service to Arthur, the King, and then lose his court case? Arthur didn't even have enough to pay the fine.

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ARTHUR: 7th March

Patsy betrayed me. Only found out because I ordered a Tattooist to my cell, and it turns out Patsy had got his tattoo from him, gone to a 'tanning studio' then the Caribbean shop. He had escaped the Frenchmen's cow and ran away. Was I that bad a master to him? I never beat him; he was (almost) always fed…

            Him and Tim had set me up in court. Tim was excellent to face value – but those bangs and raised voices from the jury room I realize now was the jury being intimidated by him. Must have been when Patsy had that choking fit.

            Oh dear Patsy. How could you? I was kind, generous, and you were promised Camelot if something happened to me if I had no son. Also said he could share it with Tim if he had no kin of his own. I did all that – to be betrayed. I was even bout to get the same tattoo as him, which would bind us forever.

            And yet, however much he was a scheming son of a b*, I do miss him terribly. He always cheered me up with tales of his childhood and the most recent witch-burnings. He was like a newsreader – slow, dependable and always there for me, which is unlike a newsreader.

            Until now.

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For the next four months, up until where we left Patsy and Tim last, Arthur mourned the loss of his closest servant. He drifted around his cell day after day, occasionally (especially at night) bursting into tears. He sank into a heavy depression when Tim's Swallow Burgers (aka MacDonald's quarter-pounders) were served up in the prison canteen.

            No one came to visit him. Lancelot had just disappeared; most likely back to his mother's in Dorset. The Knights Re-Known As Ekky Ekky Ekky Pwatwang Zoom Bom wanted nothing to do with him – told in a very curt letter sent 10 days after the verdict. It read: 'you are a disgrace to the monarchy. Your servants and companions are a very poor choice. You smell of elderberries, and you look like an old rotting potato. We never want to see you or hear that you are in power again. NIH NIH NIH NIH NIH!' Obviously the Frenchmen helped them with the letter.

            But Arthur, after the four months, was not sorry. Oh, no, he was already plotting his revenge. It would be such a sweet revenge, it would give them toothache…