Disclaimer: yada yada I did not create it –sob-.

Big thanks to all my reviewers! I love you all in a non-lesbian way.

So, on with…

THE HOLY GRAIL: WAS IT WORTH IT? PART 7

In this chapter, we meet some more surprise guests. I know I keep bringing people back from the dead, but I need them. They are cool.

On with the story.

This is a lovely loooong ch, longer than my usual 500-800 words, to commemorate THE LAST ONE, as I want to start something new.

ARTHUR: 1st March, one year later

Have survived one whole year (almost) in prison. I am still plotting my revenge. In my pocket I have the last remaining Holy Hand Grenade, bought off Bruiser in Wing C. I had to sell my hair, so now I am bald. I would have sold my crown, but the guards took it off me. Right now they are re-enacting their present Queen's coronation with silly voices. Bruiser also threw in a copy of the Holy Grenade Manuel for free. "You need to know 'ow to bleedin' use it," he told me.

            So, here goes. Wish me luck.

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Arthur consulted the manual.

            "Thou shalt remove thy pin, hold the Grenade aloft and thou shalt yell: 'Die, thou filthy buggers!' for this was an updated version in a loud, clear tone, count to three and lobbeth thy grenade into the air and blow the bastards to pieces. Just count to three: not four, or two unless thou proceedeth to three. Three is the number thou shalt count. Five is right out. Dammit, get the message, thee of little brain."

            Arthur waited until tea in the mess hall and at the end, asked the guards if he could make an announcement.

            "Fellow prisoners," he cried. "I have deemed myself too good for this world. Better than this smelly, foul hellhole I am forced to stay in. I am beautiful, no matter what they say. I feel like a natural woman, in the sense that I have determination to fight for my rights. I've got the power – well, I did – to let live and let die." Arthur was unaware that he was incorporating song titles into his speech, and he ignored the sniggers. "So without further ado – DIE, THOU FILTHY BUGGERS! ONE – TWO – FIVE! I MEAN, THREE!"

            With this, he threw it at his least favourite guard near the door and hid under a table. When all was silent, he crept out into the fresh spring night.

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"Phoebe, I want to tell you something."

            Patsy and Phoebe were in the dining room, eating poppadoms with a lean meat curry. Phoebe wiped his mouth and enquired: "Yes, Patsy? Do you want some ketchup?"

            "No, thanks. I – I want you to know that. That. That I am in love with you."

            Phoebe smiled, laid a hand on Patsy's cheek and said, "I know. I feel the same."

            "Oh, Phoebe," Patsy sighed. He smiled too, leaned over and their lips brushed briefly…

            Patsy woke with a start. Yes, groan at your will Those eyes… they glittered, sparkled, gleamed like emeralds. He wanted Phoebe – oh, he must have Phoebe. He was his soul mate, his The One, his Mr Right. I'll do whatever it takes, he thought as he drifted to sleep.

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Tim heard a knocking at the door. Tim was angry – he HATED being interrupted. He was making a fresh batch of swallow burgers (flame grilled to perfection) and he didn't want to be disturbed. However, the knock was quite timid, so maybe he could use some extra meat.

            "Ye-e-es?" he asked as he creaked the door open. It was Sir Robin.

            "Um… I… want – well, if it's not too much trouble, I'd –"

            "SPIT IT OUT LADDIE! I GOT BURGERS TO GR-R-RILL!"

            "I'd like to see – well, speak to – King Arthur, if he's in."

            "Aren't you supposed to be dead?" Tim asked, curling his lip.

            "I've been – living with Phoebe – the minstrel boy for – for ages, really. And I wanted King Arthur's advice on well… cough you know… our relationship. I mean, Phoebe wants to take it further, but I don't know and –"

            "SILENCE! So… you have competition then. Patsy was rather taken with him too." Tim grinned mockingly. Robin's face crumpled as the news sunk in. Suddenly, he grabbed Tim's fire staff off of him and ran through the castle, yelling Patsy's name.

            "NO ONE, LADDIE, MESSES WITH ME STAFF!" yelled Tim as he hared after him.

When Tim arrived in the correct room, Patsy had been fried. Phoebe had been fried. Boris was intact, however, but his pink pinny with the hearts was not. He was curled up in a corner, sobbing. Tim located his staff, on top of the mangled corpses, and looked around the castle for Robin while Boris watched Mission: Impossible downstairs with the music floating through the castle. Tim pranced around the castle like a madman, looking round every corner with a manic glee, and eventually he set the bathtub alight, which unfortunately was where he kept his swallows (European and 2 African) for roasting.

            "He's buggered off," he growled. "Well, it's war, and this time… It's personal. But then again," he looked at the camera, "it always is…" he grinned, and his gold tooth sparkled as the music came to a close.

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So Patsy and Phoebe were dead.

            "Two of the bravest loyal servants ever are dead. But not forgotten," Tim said at their funeral, attended by him, himself and he. King Arthur didn't know anything about it and none if the other knights could be bothered. Boris couldn't make it: "I have to take time out to find myself," he had said shakily.

            So Tim, with his staff, put the two bodies on top of a pile of wood and set them alight. "MWAH HA HA HA HA HAA!" he cried, then remembering where he was, rapidly changed it to mournful sobbing. Then his reflexes got the better of him and he changed back to manic laughter. Then sobbing.

            "TIM! TIM!" a voice rang o'er the land. It was Arthur. "TIM, you bloody bastard! You worthless, son of a –"

            Pzrrrrr! Tim's staff whipped into action and thus Arthur was burnt to a crisp. Tim once again tried to sob. Finally he gave up and left the bodies to burn. This batch of swallow burgers would have an interesting allure to them.

Sorry for it to end so grossly/badly/sadly/rubbishy but it is a bit long winded, doncha think? Anyway, review please even if it is the last one. Byee!