44. "I haven't been in control for a long time."

As the door shut behind the other CSIs, Sara let out a low moan. "I can't believe they did this to me. How could they? Stupid damn men!"

"Hey, calm down sweetheart. You knew they would have found out eventually." He hugged her tightly. "Don't worry about it. Nick and Warrick love you, they're not going to start spreading rumors."

Sara shook her head against his chest. "I know they're not going to start rumors. But I just wasn't ready for this. I can't deal with everyone knowing what's going on in my life, when I don't even know what's going on in my life!"

"Is that what you're upset about? That they think we're in a relationship when we're not?" He struggled with his wounded feelings. He had thought they were exactly what the CSIs had seen: two people wrapped up in each other.

"That's not what I mean, exactly. It's just that, well, they all probably left thinking we're getting married or something, and that's just . . . not happening. And they're going to look at me – us – differently because they think that."

"They're not, Sara. Catherine already knows what's going on, and she'll set the guys straight." He sighed and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her back against his chest. He set his chin on her shoulder and asked, "Does it really matter, anyway, Sara? Even if they think the wrong thing, we know the truth. We can correct them, or we can just watch and laugh. It doesn't have to be a problem. You're in control, here."

She leaned forward and turned to look at him, shaking her head sadly. "I'm not in control, Grissom. I haven't been in control for a long time."

He blinked and released her. "What do you mean by that?" His voice was cautious; Grissom had a feeling he was going to hear some things he didn't want to hear.

Sara fell back onto the couch and let out a deep breath. "Grissom how long have we worked together here? Three years. For three years I've been . . . watching you. Wanting you. And you've been oblivious. Before that I knew you through the seminar and through the LA office, and I idolized you. You were oblivious then, too. I was never in control of this relationship, Grissom. It was always you with the power.

"I'm still not in control. This . . . thing . . . with you is shaking up my life. I don't own my feelings anymore, you do. I don't own my own privacy, my coworkers do. I can't control everything that's happening to me – I feel like my mind is just tagging along behind reality."

This hadn't been what he was expecting, but it didn't sound any better. "Sara, I don't want to control you. I want you to share yourself with me. And if you don't want to, or can't, then I don't want you to feel trapped with me." This was not supposed to be happening, his mind screamed. "If you can't deal with things right now, maybe you should take some time and try to sort yourself out." He closed his eyes to hide the fear that she would take him up on his offer.

"That's not it, Grissom. It's not that I feel trapped by you. If anything, I feel trapped by myself. I don't know how to explain it, I just know that it's freaking me out."

"Sara, I don't want to hurt you. Being with somebody is supposed to make you happy, not panicked." He sat next to her and laid an ice-cold hand on her arm. "Tell me what you need and I'll try to give it to you. Tell me what you fear and I'll try to protect you from it. Just don't pull away from me."

He ran a hand roughly through his hair. "You say I control your feelings, Sara. Maybe you should know that as much control over you that you think I have, you have double that power over me. I'm terrified right now that you're going to decide that this relationship is nothing but trouble, and walk away from it. Absolutely petrified. Because you can."

Sara leaned into him, throwing her arms around his neck. "I don't want to leave, Grissom. I don't. I don't even think I can." She dashed a hand across her face, swiping away tears she hoped he couldn't see. "Please don't be scared of me. I . . . you know how emotional I am, you've yelled at me about it enough times. I just need to calm down. I feel like I'm in the middle of a whirlwind right now."

"Do you want me to leave? Let you think?"

She squeezed her eyes shut. "I don't know. I want to be alone and think, but being next to you makes me feel happier than anything in my life right now. I'm so damn confused!"

He stroked her cheek with the back of his hand. "I love being with you too, Sara. I hope you know that. But we're going to need to set aside time for each of us. We're living in each others' pockets as it is, working together and practically living together over the past few days." Sara smiled slightly at the mention of living together, and nuzzled her face into his palm. Grissom felt the ice that had formed over the past few minutes begin to melt from his heart.

"I'm going to go, Sara. You're right, you do need some time. Hell, I need some time. Let's start taking it now, before it becomes a necessary break between rounds of fighting." He kissed the tip of her nose lightly, making her giggle. "Just don't forget about me in the next ten hours or so, okay?"

Sara's features relaxed, no longer a mask of anxiety. She swatted his arm. "Like I could! But, uh, could we make it nine hours? My car's still in the CSI parking lot, so I'm going to need a ride to work."

Grissom ran his hand over her hair one more time. "I think that could be arranged, my dear. Uh," he added, looking around, "where are my shoes?"

Tension broken, the pair scrambled around the apartment, gathering Grissom's belongings. A shoe pulled out from under her bed, one very soggy pair of boxer shorts that had somehow made their way under the bathmat, and his cellular phone, pulled out from between the couch cushions. Ultimately, only one of his socks managed to escape them. "I'll get the little bugger next time I'm over," he grinned on his way toward the door. "Oh, hey Sara?"

She cocked her head to the side. "Yeah?"

"Can I have a goodbye kiss?"

She smiled. Slipping her arms around him, she hugged him hard. "I think that could be arranged, too."