XIII.
Once, as my heart remembers
All the stars were fallen embers
Once, when night seemed forever
I was with you
(Roma Ryan)
Obi-Wan woke up from a deep sleep. It wasn't the usual soft floating from sleep into a waking state, but an abrupt, nearly painful wakening. He rubbed his pounding temples and breathed deeply. Just like uncountable times before his heart raced painfully. But this time he couldn't remember his dream. It wasn't the monster that robbed him of his sleep like every other night.
This had been different . . . This fear was so strange to him, just as if it was part of him - yet not really his. Nevertheless his heartbeat didn't slow down and his breathing became quicker, as if he were being hunted.
Alone. He was alone . . . Where was the queen? Shouldn't she be with him? Hadn't Reaja left her in his care?
His eyes travelled though the dark room and the feeling of loneliness became stronger.
Alone. He was alone now, completely, utterly alone. There was no one he could talk to, no one who understood him.
Without wasting a thought to his boots, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and walked into the cool night air barefoot.
Light. Most of all he needed more light. More than the soft glowing that surrounded him.
She couldn't have disappeared. She had to be here somewhere. Maybe she had ris . . .
His thoughts came to an abrupt halt. How did he know she had been in one room with him? What gave him this certainty?
Blurred and faint traces of Reaja's voice came to the surface of his mind and slowly formed into an unified picture. Yes, they had been accommodated in one room, a room that held special powers, a room that could channel the energies of the body due to its inclusionof rare gems and its special location in the planet's magnetic field. It was supposed to help the sleepers travel the hard road of separating their souls. But when they shared this room, why couldn't he feel her presence?
The stones were rough and cool under his naked feet and his legs protested under the sudden exertion. In the deep darkness of the night the temple buildings seemed menacing and dead.
Where was she? Why had she risen at all?
In the dark, he collided with a rock and felt glaring pain shooting up his shin. For a few seconds he was tempted to use all the swear words he had heard in his whole life, but after a while he remembered his training and brought himself in unison with the pain - accepted it and therefore lowered its effects.
A quick movement in front of him caused him to fall into a lurking posture. Every muscle of his body tensed. He listened.
Quiet crackling told him that something or someone came closer. But he couldn't feel anything yet, couldn't say whether the things that crept through the darkness was friend or enemy. Was he still asleep? Was all of this part of a dream?
He carefully inched closer until he collided blindly with a warm body and in a state of slight shock lost his balance.
He landed roughly on his behind.
"Are you all right, Jedi Kenobi?"
For a few breaths, Obi-Wan was simply too baffled to be able to react. Then little by little the unsteady tone of her voice seeped into his mind and his concern awoke.
"Just a little hurt pride, nothing else," he answered. After a slight pause in which he scrambled to his feet, he continued: "Why are you out here, your majesty?"
The night was overcast and not an iota of light came through the treetops. Obi-Wan heard her pulling her cloak more tightly around her shoulders to block out the nightly cool.
"I needed to think."
"Here?"
"What's wrong with this place? The air is fresh and I didn't mean to wake you."
""That's why you went so far away? For some fresh air?"
Padme sighed audibly. "No. To be quite frank: You snored, Jedi Kenobi. I couldn't sleep."
Obi-Wan felt his face starting to flush. "I'm terribly sorry, your majesty, I'm sure I . . ."
"Great knight, do you need daylight to recognise humour?"
A more than just slightly amused tone reverberated in her voice. Even though he didn't see it, Obi-Wan knew that she had turned towards him and smiled over her whole face - one of those rare, honestly amused smiles.
A warm and reassuring feeling rose inside of him and slowly spread from his stomach into his whole body. The darkness around him should have made him feel uneasy, and yes, a part of him did feel uneasy, being so far away from the light, but that part of him was too weak right now. The queen exuded a peace he had believed to be long lost.
He sank to the soft ground next to her and stared off into the darkness. Nevertheless he had to ask her. He had to know why she sneaked out in the middle of the night to flee into the deepest darkness.
"Why are you really out here, your highness?"
A short pause followed in which he felt her hand fleetingly touching his shoulder as she pushed back her long hair.
"It's enough. Don't you think that we're making fools of ourselves?"
Obi-Wan tensed upon hearing the earnestness in her voice. "Fools?" he echoed.
She released the air from her lungs and the soft rustling of clothes told him that she had turned to him even further. "We are alone here for a longer period of time, and we are connected in so many ways . . . Don't you think it would be time to set aside the formalities?"
Was it just due to the late hour, or was his mind working incredibly slow just now, Obi-Wan mused.
"The . . . formalities, your Majesty?"
"You are incorrigible, great knight."
He wasn't sure whether he was supposed to feel flattered or insulted upon the repeated use of her nick-name for him. She couldn't possible ask him to . . .
"I want to leave the palace behind me for the rest of our stay here. That is why I want you to use my real name . . . ," she hesitated before finishing the sentence, " . . . Obi-Wan."
The spot where he sat suddenly became more than uncomfortable and he started fidgeting uneasily. "I'm not quite sure that this is a good idea, your Ma . . ."
A small warm hand shot forward and clamped over his mouth.
"Do I have to make this an order?"
He shook his head and she removed her hand - as though she were shocked by her own impulsive actions.
"Good," she murmured softly. "Good." Another pause followed. "It's been such a long time since anybody has spoken my given name without all the formalities. Sometimes I wonder if all those formalities have grown together with me. Would my name sound different without all the things the palace has made it become?"
Was this question directed at him? Padme couldn't tell. But when she didn't feel any rejection from the Jedi, she decided to walk further down the path she had chosen to go.
"Could you..." She stopped and thought quickly. If she wanted to avoid formalities, she had to avoid using his title. Could she do that? She had used the titles of the people surrounding her all her life, even in the vague memories of her mother she couldn't think of real informal times. But she had missed out on so many things because they hadn't been allowed. Why should she stop half way now?
"Could you..." It sounded wrong in her own ears, terribly wrong, but she went on talking, "...do me a favour and just...say my name? Without the formalities? As though we were...friends?"
It still sounded nearly impure to her own ears, but she had decided. She would set the formalities aside.
Despite the darkness and the uselessness of the gesture, Obi-Wan shook his head. "That would only complicate things when we are back at the palace . . ."
"But we are not in the palace!" she interrupted him heatedly.
No, they weren't in the palace. But considering the cold shoulder the Jedi was showing her, they might as well have been there.
As if he had read her thoughts, Kenobi said so quietly that she had to strain her ears to hear it: "I will try . . ."
‚Try, try,' Yoda's disapproving voice suddenly was audible in his head. ‚Do, or do not. There is no try.'
A slight smile stole forth on his lips at the thought of the little green Master. And for the first time since he thought of the council and of Yoda, the thoughts weren't accompanied by images of Qui-Gon.
‚Always in motion, the future is.' This favourite saying of Yoda came back to him as well. What kind of harm could it do to take another step into this future?
Who told him that there really would be troubles with the etiquette once they returned to the palace? They both were trained far too well to walk into such stupid traps. At least that was what he hoped.
But despite all those good reasons his insides fiercely disagreed with this break of protocol. He fought it down. "Well, if your Majesty wants to be rebellious . . ."
He felt clearly the way she stretched her slim back against his words and took a deep breath to interrupt him. But before she managed to say something, he resumed: "Then I will not stand in your way."
Obi-Wan rose, offered her a hand in the dark and pulled her to her feet. "Nevertheless we should go back to the temple. . . Padme."
The smooth movement of her rising stopped abruptly and she froze as she heard her name flowing from his lips just like liquid velvet.
It sounded to strange. Yet so very, very familiar and intimate.
She squeezed his hand a little more in a silent thanks. Then she rose completely and breathed deeply. Memories of the palace flooded her. With them came an overwhelming feeling of freedom and joy of life. She started to laugh softly.
Obi-Wan didn't know how to place this laughter and stopped surprised. Where had that come from? For a few moments he listened to the pleasant sound and pushed the fact that he enjoyed this laughter into the farthest part of his mind.
"What's so funny?"
The laughter became loud and melodious and Obi-Wan was hard pressed not to join her. Laughing still seemed wrong to him, but he couldn't help a broad smile stealing forth on his face.
"What?" he repeated his question. "What's so funny?"
Padme breathed a few times before she could answer again. "All of this. I feel like a rebellious acolyte. I'm actually waiting to hear the strict voice of my teachers any second now, reminding me with a stern face that I am doing something that is forbidden."
Obi-Wan remembered the many times he had sneaked out of his room in the temple, to talk to friends, or to get some more food to quell his - back then - everlasting hunger. He knew exactly what Padme was talking about. And suddenly he understood her mood.
"Was it prohibited to use given names?"
She laughed again. "Oh no, that was more of an unwritten law. There were other things. No fast running in the hallways, no nightly trips to other rooms, no unseemly comments, no loud laughter. . ."
Something else took form in Padme's memory. She slipped out of the Jedi's closeness.
"And there was another ban . . . I intend to ignore now."
Crouched and with incredible speed she rushed lithely into the dark forest before Obi-Wan could stop her and soon her quick steps could only be heard in the distance.
"Your high . . . Padme!" he called into the darkness spreading out in front of him.
He didn't share her strange mood. Quite the opposite - the darkness and this boisterous mood worried him. She wasn't quite as attentive as she should have been, and she could easily break her neck if she stumbled over one of the high roots or the scattered rocks. And even if the restrictions she had listed really didn't sound all that important, she hadn't told him about this last one. He knew from the temple that there were certain rules that children loved to think of breaking, but which were more than necessary to save their lives. Who told him that this ban she was about to ignore wasn't one of the latter category? Children were reckless, and if her only memory of this ban was from her childhood days, she might not be able to see the danger it was supposed keep them from. Above all, he had no idea where she had run to.
Concern washed over him and his heart started to beat faster. How was he supposed to find her before the day dawned? What if it was already too late by then? The young Jedi ran into the darkness blindly, and - still cut off from the force - he tried to let his feelings guide him.
His breathing was fast and irregular as he slipped in between the high trees. Now and then he stopped and tried to pick up the sound of her feet, but to no avail. In the meantime the worst could have happened, and he wasn't there to save her from herself.
The soft splashing of water caused him to stop once more. The sound was distinctly audible here. He couldn't see her, but he picked up the smell of her hair that had been perfumed before they had left the capitol. For a few moments he just stood there and breathed in this smell. It surprised him how familiar this fine and so very feminine scent already was.
"Which restriction was worth leaving the safety of the temple?" he asked when he stepped out of the forests darkness into the warm light that surrounded the clearing.
His eyes had some difficulties trying to adjust to the new source of light, but after a while he spotted a huge round basin in which steps were leading down. It was filled with water which released its warmth through thick clouds of steam. This place had to be part of the temple - Obi-Wan recognised the same style of building. Nevertheless he didn't know anything about the hot springs on Naboo.
"Your majesty?"
The steam hid the basin which was shimmering nearly completely golden in the strange light and he couldn't make out the queen anywhere. For a moment he was surprised that she didn't protest against him lapsing back into the old way of calling her. Where was she? Even though he could still pick up the scent of her hair, he couldn't find her. An unpleasant fluttering in his stomach became distinct, and heavy cold which had never quite left his body returned. He couldn't be too late again, could he? What if there was a much bigger danger than she had predicted? Worry sent his mind reeling
"Padme?"
This time her given name flowed over his lips perfectly naturally - every thought of formality was forgotten. An iron clamp pressed his heart together. He couldn't estimate how big this basin was, since the steam covered everything with a milky veil that that was impossible to see through.
"Padme?"
She still didn't answer and his worry became overwhelming, washed away all other thoughts until his mind was only whirling around her. Around that woman, whose life had been placed in his hands. Was he letting her down again?
Obi-Wan shook his head hard against the dark feelings of resignation and inadequacy that rose up in him. He had to find her. But how was he supposed to do this when she didn't answer him and when he couldn't see anything? Troubled, he walked deeper into the thick clouds of steam until his outstretched hands collided with a solid wall. So this was not the right way. Further attempts into other directions failed as well. His mind whirled around another possibility he had ignored so far.
They had been sent here to separate their souls. Didn't that mean that they were still sharing a connection? But could he use this connection when it had to be severed so urgently? Obi-Wan was caught in an inner struggle between his task and his worry for the queen. But this struggle didn't last very long. Qui-Gon had always lived the proof that sometimes it was better to ignore rules and regulations, to save a life.
Carefully placing one foot in front of the other, he sank down at the edge of the basin onto the warm marble floor and retreated into himself, to allow the connection between the queen and him to burn brightly again. Without calling to the force for help, it took him far too long for his own taste to calm his mind enough to be able to find the sparkling dewdrop of the other life inside of him. She exuded endless calm. A calm that alarmed him, that was so extensive that it didn't seem natural to him any longer. She was in the water, that much was certain. But what did this unusual calm of her mind mean? Could it be . . .
Without wasting another second, Obi-Wan pulled off his light tunic and jumped. The water was pleasantly warm, even hot, and his thoroughly chilled body soaked up the warmth like a sponge. The Jedi held onto the spark of life which connected him with the queen, and swam with long, powerful strokes in the direction from which this sign of life was coming. Due to the thick steam he could barely see his hand in front of his eyes. A few more efficient strokes and he had reached her.
She was floating on the surface, face raised to the night sky, eyes closed, her posture perfectly serene and motionless.
His mind shut down. Without thinking he slung an arm around her waist, placed a hand under her chin and started swimming towards the side of the basin. Her long, wet hair surrounded him like a soft web while he was swimming. He had forgotten about how difficult it could be to carry someone in the water.
So it was even more unexpected for him that the body that had been deathly still in his arms just seconds ago, suddenly started to thrash and fight against his steely grip. With admiring agility she moved out of his arms and turned in the water to stare at him in shock.
"What was that supp . . ." She didn't get any further. Relief about her obvious well-being flooded Obi-Wan so hard that he could only react impulsively.
His feet found the smooth marble floor of the pool and with a single, fluid movement he pulled her towards him and pressed her head against his chest, embraced her so fiercely that she could barely breathe. The emotions were as confusing as a raw wound and for a few moments he forgot everything except for the calming fact that she was all right and that he hadn't failed in his duty of protecting her. He hid his face in her wet hair and enjoyed the silent music of her breathing.
Padme was so confused about all this that she tensed in his arms at first. But her confusion didn't last very long. Closing her eyes, she hesitantly returned his embrace and started to relax.
His skin was cool under her cheek and his chest rose and fell quickly, just as if he had been running very fast. What had happened? She clearly felt worry leaving him and making space for relief. But why . . .
"Obi-Wan?" Her voice was muffled by the vicinity of him and her long lashes slid over his chest as she opened her eyes. The tiny rasp of the red-golden down that had started to form on his face during the last days sensitised every nerve-ending of her cheek.
He didn't answer directly but gave an affirmative sound. She felt the vibration of the tone going from his skin to hers. Through eyes half open, she saw the fine freckles that were just barely visible against his fair skin. Padme smiled. He didn't sound as controlled as he had before. But he hadn't loosened his embrace and even though they hadn't been standing like that for very long, she knew that she was going to get heavy breathing problems if he didn't let go of her soon.
"Obi-Wan," she tried again, "I'm not going to vanish. You can let go of me now."
Immediately his arms fell down and she was free once again . . . and deep inside of her she wished she hadn't said anything. On the other hand the face she was rewarded with was priceless.
In his misguided attempt of saving her he hadn't thought for a moment that it might be unseemly to . . . He fled out of the water, not casting a single gaze at Padme.
She looked down at herself, clearly startled because of his reaction, wondering what could have caused it. A white, close-fitting one-piece suit which she had found in one of the rooms close to the spring covered her from head to toe.
Slowly but steadily it seeped into her mind why Kenobi had reacted the way he had, and without intending to, she started to roar with laughter. The overly correct Jedi had just had a collision he surely hadn't been prepared for in his training. Padme sank back into the water and watched the Jedi whose face was glowing bright red, visible even from where she was. New laughter found its way out of her mouth.
"Did you never go for a swim in the Jedi Temple?" she asked when she had calmed down a little.
Padme swam a little closer and watched him curiously. He had started shivering in the crisp night air. But he still wasn't looking at her.
"Obi-Wan," her voice was calm and she suppressed the sarcastic comment that burned on her tongue. "You're freezing."
Gracefully she slid out of the water and walked around him. Padme put a finger under his chin and gently forced him to raise his eyes to meet hers.
"This suit is being worn by the priestesses on certain holidays. There is no need to be overly prudish." When he didn't answer, she let her gaze travel over the sluggishly rising clouds of steam. "We had always been prohibited to go to the springs alone. Outside of high holidays or cleansing rituals you weren't even allowed to set foot close to them," she explained, whispering. "After I had been elected queen, a lot of the myth disappeared and I understood that those springs weren't special at all. It was only the ban that should stop us from being like all the other children."
As if that had been the pick up line, she slid back into the water. Unfortunately for Obi-Wan, he didn't see the mischievous glitter in her eyes. He was clueless until a wave of the warm water hit him squarely in the face.
TBC
