Pain Of The Past
The story of Xena's Past
(Part Four)
Xena, Gabrielle, and any other characters that have appeared on the television show Xena: Warrior Princess, do not Belong to me but to the creators. *Contains Some Abuse
I arrived in Amphipolis just after sunrise, the town was filled with travelers passing by, and I knew most of them were headed to moms Inn to have breakfast. I remember the smell, the sounds.they were so peaceful and welcoming. I couldn't help to be glad that I was home, but I was so nervous about seeing mother, it had been almost five years. I didn't know if she would recognize me or if she had heard about things I've done, but I needed to try. I tied my horse up and entered the inn. I was shocked by the reaction of some of the people in the building. They must have known who I was because quite a few of them quickly left. I took a seat at the table in the far corner.
"You girl." I yelled to one of the servers. I spoke to her as if she was my slave.
"Tell my mothe-.Cyrene I need to speak to her" I ordered
" sure" The girl agreed and began to walk away, but she stopped short and turned back around.
"Your Xena aren't you?"
I looked her over with the dirtiest look. How dare she question me.
"Got a problem with it?"
"No, No Problem" the girl spoke frightened and hurried away. I turned to glance around the inn enjoying the moment of being home again. I noticed a few paranoid glances from some customers and tried to ignore them. I was also very glad to see that Toris wasn't anywhere to be seen.
"XENA" A sharp voice sounded from behind me. I turned to it quickly to see who it was.
"Mother" I spoke, surprisingly with fear in my voice.
"Why did you come back.shouldn't you be out murdering innocent people and destroying villages. Or I suppose you came back to leave your child with me because you can't take care of it yourself.well where is it Xena?" My mother spoke barely controlling her anger towards me. She stared me straight in the eye awaiting my answer, but I couldn't speak I was so afraid of my mother; she was the only one who was able to do that to me.
"I- I don't have him" I was finally able to say, but it hardly came out.
"What!.what did you do to it?" she yelled
"I gave him away" I still said quietly
"You abandoned your child with strangers?"
"NO, I gave him to a centua-, someone I know" I said a bit more defensively.
"So your baby will grow up with out his mother or ever meeting his family, you're an awful mother."
This sparked anger in me and for the first time I stood up, grabbed my mother, and yelled in her face.
"What kind of mother did you expect me to be? What kind of life would the child have if he stayed with me?"
my mother kept a straight face and backed away from me.
"Sorry Xena, you have to leave, the shame you have brought upon your family and home is unbearable.Your not welcome here" My mother said sternly. She picked up the tray off the table and headed back to work. By then we had really made a scene and all eyes were on me. As angry as I was I didn't feel like taking it out through violence I was more in pain, I knew my mother was right about me but I was helpless to do anything about it and left my home for the third time, I wasn't planning on ever coming back, but if I did I would get it right.
I headed out in search of a new conquest. I had recently heard stories about a stone called the Rhiengold, if I could retrieve that I could get the power of a god, but it would be a long journey north. I had only been traveling a week when one morning I was packing up my things into the saddlebags on my horse and suddenly.A warm and sensuous tingle swept over my body engulfing my surroundings. It was a felling that was all too familiar.
"Ares!" I whispered
"Glad you remember" he replied gratefully I turned from my work to see Ares, whom I hadn't scene since he talked me into killing Galen when I was about 16. He was dressed in his traditional black clothing, a sword mounted on his hip. Something about him appealed to me at that moment but I tried to resist Ares temptations.
"Your not that easy to forget.what do you want" I smirked.
"I want to make you an offer" he spoke smoothly and deeply while approaching me, stopping at a close distance.
"I'm listening" I said offering my cooperation to him.
"I can give you an army with the best warriors in Greece"
He placed a strong hand around my waist and the other stroked my cheek.
"And what do I have to do?"
"Conquer all of Greece.take this, I got it for you and only you can use it" a large metal ring formed in his hand. It was sharp like a dagger around the outer edge and had a basic design on both sides.
"What is it?" I asked amazed by it's appearance.
"It's a rare weapon called a chakram.it will slice through about anything if thrown right"
"Teach me" I whispered ambitiously
Ares told me what it did and how to do the basics, but the rest of it was mine to experiment with because he didn't know how to use it. He reminded me of his offer and asked if I would take up on it.
"O.K., I'll do it, but what do I get out of it?"
"Power.and fear to the name Xena, and if you really impress me I can make you a goddess and you'll rule by my side"
"I'm in, but I have plans right now, we'll have to delay the conquering of Greece awhile"
"What do you mean plans?"
"I'm headed north, I've never been that way, I figured I could make a name for myself there. Plus they have the Rhiengold.They say it will give the possessor the power of a god."
"Why waist your time looking for that when I can make you a goddess?"
"For the thrill of it, I like to do things for myself."
"Yes you do.and that's what I admire most about you, you've never asked me for anything, not even my help and anyone who asks for that doesn't deserve it" He whispered in my ear. His arms were now wrapped around my waist embracing me, pulling me close. He talked softly into my ear so that it almost tickled. I unconsciously leaned in closer and my hands begun to wonder up his chest around his neck.
"So what?" I asked breathlessly
"Go north, do what you must".He leaned back and brought an arm up to place his hand on the back of my neck.
"Then return to me and well conquer Greece." Ares pulled me in for a passionate kiss and umm.well you know how persuasive he can be, lets move on shall we?"
"Xena.are you blushing? Over Ares?" Gabrielle Giggled
"Nooo"
"Xena I don't care, I understand"
"Thanks.well after I left Ares I continued on my long journey north. I didn't know much about the Viking people or about the Rhiengold, But I got very luck and just happened to be at the right place, at the right time, talking to the right person.
"Whoa.who'd you mess with?" I laughed and stopped my horse in front of a tree and on this tree was bearded bloody man, just hanging there.
"No on is capable of doing this to me with out my consent" the man stated
"What kind of idiot has himself crucified?" I asked
"I don't wish to take part in the struggle of life any more" He cried
"Why would you wanna do that?" I eagerly asked him
"I am Odin.King of the Norse Gods, it is my duty to bring peace to the Norse country, yet as I sit in Valhalla and watch the bitter struggle called life on this earth, I ask, are we doomed to live in a constant state of endless conflict?" He yelled in despair.
"Damn Straight.that's what makes life so worth living, you know everyday I wake up and I feel pumped by the knowledge that there is always someone around the next corner.someone for me to challenge, to fight, and to conquer."
"Someday, someone may conquer you"
"Precisely, which is why I don't have time to waist chatting with a god who doesn't know what to do with his immortality" I said disgusted by his misunderstanding of life, I began to ride away.
"Wait.Who are you?" he shouted to me.
"The names Xena, You know you can't escape the struggle Odin, you gotta embrace it"
My lust for life pulled Odin from his depressed state and in return he made me a Valkeri. My duty was to escort slain Viking warriors to Odin's eternal banquet in Valhalla. I excelled in my new role, but it wasn't long till I came in conflict with the leader of the Valkeri and Odin's lover, Grinhilda. I began to seduce Odin and the Valkeri away from her with my philosophy, until Grinhilda was almost forgotten. Grinhilda was the only smart one though, she knew not to trust me, that I was up to something.and she was right. I soon learned that three maidens protected the rhiengold, and that it was only valuable to those who have forsaken love, and that wasn't a problem for me. I was empty of all love by then; just living from one day to the next, seeking power and revenge. I convinced Odin that I loved him so that he would reveal to me where the Rhiengold was. I set off in search of it. Grinhilda and the other Valkeri tried stopping me, but they were easily defeated. I reached the maidens and tricked them into showing me where the Rhiengold was. I stole it from them and forged it into a ring. Grinhilda tried to stop me again and she put the ring on, but because she had not forsaken love it destroyed what she valued most, Her humanity. She transformed into a hideous monster. I could have killed her then but I had much worse planned for her. So I took back the ring and awaited for her to return. When she did I wore the ring and received god like power. I locked her in a cave that I locked with an unbreakable lock, I wanted her to live forever with her ugliness and suffer. Unfortunately as I locked her in she stole the ring from me. I wasn't going back in the cave with out it and she certainly wasn't going to give it back to me, it was a stale mate.
I now had no choice but to go back to Greece. I had both failed and succeeded on my journey north. I failed in keeping the power of the ring, but had succeeded in leaving a legacy of bloodshed for the Norse people. I taught them that fear was the strongest power and that everything could be solved by a good fight.
I returned to Greece to start my army for Ares. But before I formed an army I felt I needed to look like a high-class commander. I had a new uniform made, one that looked similar to the one I own now, but it was black with a different and smaller design of armor. The leather flaps of the skirt were also black, but every other one was gold. The outfit had large, dark, metal shoulder pads that had a long black cap attached to it. I had a sword and a whip made to match my chakram and I bought a horse. Now for the army, and if what I was thinking would work, I knew just where to find one and get revenge at the same time
A few days later I reached a camp of disgusting warlords. I rode into the camp and a solider approached me.
"Hey! What do you think your doing?" the solider said angrily
"Where is your commander?" I asked and dismounted my horse
"I asked you a question women" the solider yelled disrespectfully and walked up to me. I quickly reached for my dagger and pulled it out. I lunged forward and stabbed him in the shoulder.
"I believe I asked you a question also, and considering the position your in it would be smart if you answered it" I suggested.
"That way.He's in there" The solider cried in agony. I let him free and walked to the tent in the direction he pointed. A guard tried to stop me, but a simple look was all it took to get him to back off. I pulled back the curtain and entered.
"Who are you?" yelled a chubby old bearded man who was laid on a pillow swallowing down cherries and wine. Startled by my entrance he got up and rushed at me.
"Get out of my tent, you can't just walk-" his words were cut off when he reached out for me and I countered his move by breaking his arm and pushing him away from me.
"I'm insulted Ibec, You don't remember me.but I'll always remember you and all that you did to me" I growled
"What are you talking about" he panted
"Do you remember about eight years ago a young girl about 15 years old came to your camp confused, injured, and heartbroken. She wanted to join your army, you forced her to kill, you used her as a maid an object of pleasure, and treated her like a dog you could beat when she disobeyed" I glared at him waiting for a response. Then his eyes lit up with fear.
"Xena.You've grown up"
"With Vengeance, I must say I was worried that you'd be dead already, not that it would stop me from getting what I want, but it will be more satisfying with you around" I mused.
"What is it that you want?" Ibec asked with fright
"I'm going to take your army, but first I want to show you the same kindness and compassion you showed me."
I humiliated Ibec In front of his men, killed him, and took his army. I civilized his men and trained them to be the best warriors in Greece. As a commander I demanded loyalty and obedience. If one of my men didn't follow my code, they were executed. I led my new army across Greece conquering cities and villages. I kept my army and position for over a year. One day I went to one of Ares temples to ask him about the offer he made me nearly two years ago.
"When I know you are the best warrior then we will fulfill our destiny together"
"How do I prove that I am the best?"
" By killing Hercules. When you accomplish that then I'll know your ready"
Now that I knew what I had to do I was set on doing it. I didn't know Hercules very well, but I wasn't dumb enough to just go up against him. I had to learn about him find his weakness, what did Hercules cherish most? That would be his best friend, Iolaus. I made a plan to seduce Iolaus, to make him fall in love with me, and when Hercules came after me to get his best friend back Iolaus would get jealous and fight Hercules. Hercules would surly win and when he'd realized that he had killed his best friend, he'd be ripe for slaughter. All went according to plan; Iolaus was head over heels for me, while Hercules knew my plan the whole time. He came to get Iolaus and they fought, but their friendship was too strong for me to corrupt. My army and I fled. I didn't give up that easy though; I just had to think of a better plan. Until then I continued my bloody conquest across Greece. Although I was a strict leader I began to doubt my soldiers loyalty, especially my lieutenant Darphus. Darphus constantly argued with me and questioned my authority. One day I took my scouts out to check the surrounding area. When I returned Darphus had taken my army and attacked a near by village burning it to the ground and killing every one, every one but an infant that I found among the burnt ruins of the village. I took the child away so that my men wouldn't kill it and so it could be cared for. In return for my act of kindness towards this helpless child Darphus turned my men against me, and the only way for a commander to leave his or her army is through the gauntlet. A pathway made up of the leaders own soldiers. The commander that is leaving was forced to walk through and be beaten. If the one-stepping down reaches the end they are exiled, that is if they are alive, and not many cross the line at the end. I remember standing facing my men that I had fought side by side with, now knowing, dreading what was to come next from them. When the drums began to beat I had to face my fear and I began walking. I passed the first two soldiers neither of them moved. The next two nothing. I began to regain faith that maybe my men were still loyal, but when I reached the sixth man a solid fist struck my face. The force knocked me into another soldier and I was struck again. It continued on, I was thrown around like a rag doll. A few of the men had clubs and I was violently knocked to the ground. I fought to block out the Pain and kept my focus on the line. The end seemed so far away, but I knew I had to reach it and it would all be over, so with my last bit of strength I pulled myself across the line and collapsed. To my men I appeared to be dead. I almost was, but I couldn't die, not like that. I wasn't going to be beaten to death. A traitor wouldn't defeat me. I was able to regain consciousness, and by a miracle I managed to stand up very slowly. I was unstable and dizzy, but I could see the faces of my men starring at me like they had seen a ghost.
"She's alive" they gasped "Good for her, now finish it" I heard Darphus yell, but luckily I had taught my men something; to play by the rules. I made it out alive.
"NO, she survived, I won't cross that line" My soldiers replied
"Fine, enjoy your exiled" he spat, and I left.
I began to think, why had so many people betrayed me, hurt me. Was their something wrong with me that made people want to hurt me, and what of all the people I had hurt and betrayed? I was just as bad. But it wasn't my fault I was that way. It was Cortees's, and Ibec's, and Caesars'. It was their fault for making me hate and be cold. The only thing I could do was to continue on with my life the way it was. So I would try to get my army back. I found Hercules and fought him, but I was defeated. I told him to kill me and prove that he was the greatest warrior. He responded by letting me free. He told me that being the best warrior isn't about how many people you can kill. That there is so much more to it. He asked me to join him in defeating darphus but I refused. I couldn't understand why someone who hated me didn't kill me when he had the chance. And what did he mean by killing wasn't the only thing about being a warrior, what else was there? Then I started to look at how Hercules was. He was a warrior, but he loved and cared. And what about Cyan and Lao ma? They were both great fighters yet they loved. I couldn't stop thinking about all the people I hated, and the more I thought about them the more I realized how much like them I was. I had become exactly what I hated and I despised myself for all the lives I had taken, the families I split, and the disrespect I showed to my own self and body. I was disgusted with myself and wanted my life to be over, but there was something I had to do and that was stop Darphus.
As I was contemplating this allI had a visit from my patron God Trying to convince me otherwise.
I was sat down on the ground next to a tall tree in the middle of the forest when Ares appeared angry.
"Just what do you think you are doing?"
I didn't look up at him. "Leave me alone"
"Get back out there and finish the job, you were so close"
I stood up and faced him. "Close? He almost killed me.But he spared my life, why?" I yelled back frustrated.
He grabbed my shoulders roughly. "Because he's a coward!!!Xena if you do this you can regain your army and rule as my queen!"
I was so tempted, it would be so easy to just give in and do what he wanted, but I knew it wasn't the right decision.
"I can't"
"What do you mean you can't?"
I pulled away from him.
"I mean I can't do it, I can't kill him, I can't do this anymore, any of it!"
Ares looked stunned and very angry.
"So what are you saying, you don't want to be a warrior anymore?"
"No I'll still be a warrior, I'll just fight for a different side, I'm going with Hercules" I said firmly.
He was pissed now.
"Hercules, what-why?"
"My soul is hurting I can't live this way anymore.the killing, the stealing, betraying, lying.I can't live like this any longer"
he came closer to be again.
"You don't have to! Once you kill Hercules, you can start a new life with me"
"I don't want to.I need peace, I have done terrible things and I have to start making amends"
"you don't need, you haven't done anything wrong. Once you are with me we will bring peace to the world by force"
I thought hard, but I knew what I had to do, my mind was set.
"no Ares.Goodbye"
I turned from him and started to walk away.
"If you leave me now, you become my enemy!" he warned.
I looked at him one last time and left to join Hercules.
We defeated Darphus and my old army. While I was with Hercules he taught me honor, respect, and love. He taught me about the greater good and the true meaning of being a warrior. He unchained my heart.
"If you loved him so much, why did you leave him?" Gabrielle interrupted
"As much as I loved him I needed to find my own way with out him to lean on. I didn't feel I deserved his love, I wanted the hard way out, and he was the easy way. After I left him I almost gave up on myself."
"What changed your mind?" Gabrielle asked
"You did Gabrielle. when I saw those men trying to hurt you and your family I knew what I had to do. I had to save as many lives as I had taken and just maybe my good deeds could atone for my past. You've been my light, a guide through the darkness of my heart. Without our friendship I probably wouldn't be alive now or I'd be a warlord again. But even with you at my side I see that nothing I do can redeem me. I still have nightmares of my past misdeeds, the people I've killed haunt me day and night."
"Xena you are a good person, with a good soul" Gabrielle said comfortingly
"Now maybe, but it doesn't change what I've done. I may have been forgiven by a few people I've wronged, but there are still hundreds more out there that haven't forgiven me"
"If they knew you now they would" Gabrielle stated
"Gabrielle, if I had killed your family.murdered your sister, your mother and father, and left you all alone. Could you forgive me?"
There was a long silence. Gabrielle stared into Xena's eyes from across the campfire where they had set up for the night. Both of the women's eyes were watery.
"Yes, I think I could" Gabrielle Finally spoke very quietly.
"You may be able to, but I can't" Xena whispered very emotionless. She laid down on to her bedroll and pulled the blanket over her head. Gabrielle could only stare down at her friend. So many thoughts going through her mind at once. Gabrielle finally got up and walked to the saddle bag and took out an empty scroll. She sat next to Xena and began writing.
Today I succeeded in getting Xena to talk to me about her past, but now that she has I regret asking her. I see the pain that it has caused her. My dear friend's curse is to spend eternity seeking a redemption she will probably never find. It's hard for me to understand, because the only Xena I've ever known is the one who is my best friend, a loving mother and a person who puts every one and everything before her. She is right though she may be good now, but it doesn't change the evil she's committed in the past, the number of lives she's changed for the worse. Xena's words have troubled me and it poses a question "If a person has committed terrible crimes but is later on reformed and changes their ways, should their sins be forgotten, or will they weigh heavily on the soul when the person is judged in the end.Could you forgive her?"
The story of Xena's Past
(Part Four)
Xena, Gabrielle, and any other characters that have appeared on the television show Xena: Warrior Princess, do not Belong to me but to the creators. *Contains Some Abuse
I arrived in Amphipolis just after sunrise, the town was filled with travelers passing by, and I knew most of them were headed to moms Inn to have breakfast. I remember the smell, the sounds.they were so peaceful and welcoming. I couldn't help to be glad that I was home, but I was so nervous about seeing mother, it had been almost five years. I didn't know if she would recognize me or if she had heard about things I've done, but I needed to try. I tied my horse up and entered the inn. I was shocked by the reaction of some of the people in the building. They must have known who I was because quite a few of them quickly left. I took a seat at the table in the far corner.
"You girl." I yelled to one of the servers. I spoke to her as if she was my slave.
"Tell my mothe-.Cyrene I need to speak to her" I ordered
" sure" The girl agreed and began to walk away, but she stopped short and turned back around.
"Your Xena aren't you?"
I looked her over with the dirtiest look. How dare she question me.
"Got a problem with it?"
"No, No Problem" the girl spoke frightened and hurried away. I turned to glance around the inn enjoying the moment of being home again. I noticed a few paranoid glances from some customers and tried to ignore them. I was also very glad to see that Toris wasn't anywhere to be seen.
"XENA" A sharp voice sounded from behind me. I turned to it quickly to see who it was.
"Mother" I spoke, surprisingly with fear in my voice.
"Why did you come back.shouldn't you be out murdering innocent people and destroying villages. Or I suppose you came back to leave your child with me because you can't take care of it yourself.well where is it Xena?" My mother spoke barely controlling her anger towards me. She stared me straight in the eye awaiting my answer, but I couldn't speak I was so afraid of my mother; she was the only one who was able to do that to me.
"I- I don't have him" I was finally able to say, but it hardly came out.
"What!.what did you do to it?" she yelled
"I gave him away" I still said quietly
"You abandoned your child with strangers?"
"NO, I gave him to a centua-, someone I know" I said a bit more defensively.
"So your baby will grow up with out his mother or ever meeting his family, you're an awful mother."
This sparked anger in me and for the first time I stood up, grabbed my mother, and yelled in her face.
"What kind of mother did you expect me to be? What kind of life would the child have if he stayed with me?"
my mother kept a straight face and backed away from me.
"Sorry Xena, you have to leave, the shame you have brought upon your family and home is unbearable.Your not welcome here" My mother said sternly. She picked up the tray off the table and headed back to work. By then we had really made a scene and all eyes were on me. As angry as I was I didn't feel like taking it out through violence I was more in pain, I knew my mother was right about me but I was helpless to do anything about it and left my home for the third time, I wasn't planning on ever coming back, but if I did I would get it right.
I headed out in search of a new conquest. I had recently heard stories about a stone called the Rhiengold, if I could retrieve that I could get the power of a god, but it would be a long journey north. I had only been traveling a week when one morning I was packing up my things into the saddlebags on my horse and suddenly.A warm and sensuous tingle swept over my body engulfing my surroundings. It was a felling that was all too familiar.
"Ares!" I whispered
"Glad you remember" he replied gratefully I turned from my work to see Ares, whom I hadn't scene since he talked me into killing Galen when I was about 16. He was dressed in his traditional black clothing, a sword mounted on his hip. Something about him appealed to me at that moment but I tried to resist Ares temptations.
"Your not that easy to forget.what do you want" I smirked.
"I want to make you an offer" he spoke smoothly and deeply while approaching me, stopping at a close distance.
"I'm listening" I said offering my cooperation to him.
"I can give you an army with the best warriors in Greece"
He placed a strong hand around my waist and the other stroked my cheek.
"And what do I have to do?"
"Conquer all of Greece.take this, I got it for you and only you can use it" a large metal ring formed in his hand. It was sharp like a dagger around the outer edge and had a basic design on both sides.
"What is it?" I asked amazed by it's appearance.
"It's a rare weapon called a chakram.it will slice through about anything if thrown right"
"Teach me" I whispered ambitiously
Ares told me what it did and how to do the basics, but the rest of it was mine to experiment with because he didn't know how to use it. He reminded me of his offer and asked if I would take up on it.
"O.K., I'll do it, but what do I get out of it?"
"Power.and fear to the name Xena, and if you really impress me I can make you a goddess and you'll rule by my side"
"I'm in, but I have plans right now, we'll have to delay the conquering of Greece awhile"
"What do you mean plans?"
"I'm headed north, I've never been that way, I figured I could make a name for myself there. Plus they have the Rhiengold.They say it will give the possessor the power of a god."
"Why waist your time looking for that when I can make you a goddess?"
"For the thrill of it, I like to do things for myself."
"Yes you do.and that's what I admire most about you, you've never asked me for anything, not even my help and anyone who asks for that doesn't deserve it" He whispered in my ear. His arms were now wrapped around my waist embracing me, pulling me close. He talked softly into my ear so that it almost tickled. I unconsciously leaned in closer and my hands begun to wonder up his chest around his neck.
"So what?" I asked breathlessly
"Go north, do what you must".He leaned back and brought an arm up to place his hand on the back of my neck.
"Then return to me and well conquer Greece." Ares pulled me in for a passionate kiss and umm.well you know how persuasive he can be, lets move on shall we?"
"Xena.are you blushing? Over Ares?" Gabrielle Giggled
"Nooo"
"Xena I don't care, I understand"
"Thanks.well after I left Ares I continued on my long journey north. I didn't know much about the Viking people or about the Rhiengold, But I got very luck and just happened to be at the right place, at the right time, talking to the right person.
"Whoa.who'd you mess with?" I laughed and stopped my horse in front of a tree and on this tree was bearded bloody man, just hanging there.
"No on is capable of doing this to me with out my consent" the man stated
"What kind of idiot has himself crucified?" I asked
"I don't wish to take part in the struggle of life any more" He cried
"Why would you wanna do that?" I eagerly asked him
"I am Odin.King of the Norse Gods, it is my duty to bring peace to the Norse country, yet as I sit in Valhalla and watch the bitter struggle called life on this earth, I ask, are we doomed to live in a constant state of endless conflict?" He yelled in despair.
"Damn Straight.that's what makes life so worth living, you know everyday I wake up and I feel pumped by the knowledge that there is always someone around the next corner.someone for me to challenge, to fight, and to conquer."
"Someday, someone may conquer you"
"Precisely, which is why I don't have time to waist chatting with a god who doesn't know what to do with his immortality" I said disgusted by his misunderstanding of life, I began to ride away.
"Wait.Who are you?" he shouted to me.
"The names Xena, You know you can't escape the struggle Odin, you gotta embrace it"
My lust for life pulled Odin from his depressed state and in return he made me a Valkeri. My duty was to escort slain Viking warriors to Odin's eternal banquet in Valhalla. I excelled in my new role, but it wasn't long till I came in conflict with the leader of the Valkeri and Odin's lover, Grinhilda. I began to seduce Odin and the Valkeri away from her with my philosophy, until Grinhilda was almost forgotten. Grinhilda was the only smart one though, she knew not to trust me, that I was up to something.and she was right. I soon learned that three maidens protected the rhiengold, and that it was only valuable to those who have forsaken love, and that wasn't a problem for me. I was empty of all love by then; just living from one day to the next, seeking power and revenge. I convinced Odin that I loved him so that he would reveal to me where the Rhiengold was. I set off in search of it. Grinhilda and the other Valkeri tried stopping me, but they were easily defeated. I reached the maidens and tricked them into showing me where the Rhiengold was. I stole it from them and forged it into a ring. Grinhilda tried to stop me again and she put the ring on, but because she had not forsaken love it destroyed what she valued most, Her humanity. She transformed into a hideous monster. I could have killed her then but I had much worse planned for her. So I took back the ring and awaited for her to return. When she did I wore the ring and received god like power. I locked her in a cave that I locked with an unbreakable lock, I wanted her to live forever with her ugliness and suffer. Unfortunately as I locked her in she stole the ring from me. I wasn't going back in the cave with out it and she certainly wasn't going to give it back to me, it was a stale mate.
I now had no choice but to go back to Greece. I had both failed and succeeded on my journey north. I failed in keeping the power of the ring, but had succeeded in leaving a legacy of bloodshed for the Norse people. I taught them that fear was the strongest power and that everything could be solved by a good fight.
I returned to Greece to start my army for Ares. But before I formed an army I felt I needed to look like a high-class commander. I had a new uniform made, one that looked similar to the one I own now, but it was black with a different and smaller design of armor. The leather flaps of the skirt were also black, but every other one was gold. The outfit had large, dark, metal shoulder pads that had a long black cap attached to it. I had a sword and a whip made to match my chakram and I bought a horse. Now for the army, and if what I was thinking would work, I knew just where to find one and get revenge at the same time
A few days later I reached a camp of disgusting warlords. I rode into the camp and a solider approached me.
"Hey! What do you think your doing?" the solider said angrily
"Where is your commander?" I asked and dismounted my horse
"I asked you a question women" the solider yelled disrespectfully and walked up to me. I quickly reached for my dagger and pulled it out. I lunged forward and stabbed him in the shoulder.
"I believe I asked you a question also, and considering the position your in it would be smart if you answered it" I suggested.
"That way.He's in there" The solider cried in agony. I let him free and walked to the tent in the direction he pointed. A guard tried to stop me, but a simple look was all it took to get him to back off. I pulled back the curtain and entered.
"Who are you?" yelled a chubby old bearded man who was laid on a pillow swallowing down cherries and wine. Startled by my entrance he got up and rushed at me.
"Get out of my tent, you can't just walk-" his words were cut off when he reached out for me and I countered his move by breaking his arm and pushing him away from me.
"I'm insulted Ibec, You don't remember me.but I'll always remember you and all that you did to me" I growled
"What are you talking about" he panted
"Do you remember about eight years ago a young girl about 15 years old came to your camp confused, injured, and heartbroken. She wanted to join your army, you forced her to kill, you used her as a maid an object of pleasure, and treated her like a dog you could beat when she disobeyed" I glared at him waiting for a response. Then his eyes lit up with fear.
"Xena.You've grown up"
"With Vengeance, I must say I was worried that you'd be dead already, not that it would stop me from getting what I want, but it will be more satisfying with you around" I mused.
"What is it that you want?" Ibec asked with fright
"I'm going to take your army, but first I want to show you the same kindness and compassion you showed me."
I humiliated Ibec In front of his men, killed him, and took his army. I civilized his men and trained them to be the best warriors in Greece. As a commander I demanded loyalty and obedience. If one of my men didn't follow my code, they were executed. I led my new army across Greece conquering cities and villages. I kept my army and position for over a year. One day I went to one of Ares temples to ask him about the offer he made me nearly two years ago.
"When I know you are the best warrior then we will fulfill our destiny together"
"How do I prove that I am the best?"
" By killing Hercules. When you accomplish that then I'll know your ready"
Now that I knew what I had to do I was set on doing it. I didn't know Hercules very well, but I wasn't dumb enough to just go up against him. I had to learn about him find his weakness, what did Hercules cherish most? That would be his best friend, Iolaus. I made a plan to seduce Iolaus, to make him fall in love with me, and when Hercules came after me to get his best friend back Iolaus would get jealous and fight Hercules. Hercules would surly win and when he'd realized that he had killed his best friend, he'd be ripe for slaughter. All went according to plan; Iolaus was head over heels for me, while Hercules knew my plan the whole time. He came to get Iolaus and they fought, but their friendship was too strong for me to corrupt. My army and I fled. I didn't give up that easy though; I just had to think of a better plan. Until then I continued my bloody conquest across Greece. Although I was a strict leader I began to doubt my soldiers loyalty, especially my lieutenant Darphus. Darphus constantly argued with me and questioned my authority. One day I took my scouts out to check the surrounding area. When I returned Darphus had taken my army and attacked a near by village burning it to the ground and killing every one, every one but an infant that I found among the burnt ruins of the village. I took the child away so that my men wouldn't kill it and so it could be cared for. In return for my act of kindness towards this helpless child Darphus turned my men against me, and the only way for a commander to leave his or her army is through the gauntlet. A pathway made up of the leaders own soldiers. The commander that is leaving was forced to walk through and be beaten. If the one-stepping down reaches the end they are exiled, that is if they are alive, and not many cross the line at the end. I remember standing facing my men that I had fought side by side with, now knowing, dreading what was to come next from them. When the drums began to beat I had to face my fear and I began walking. I passed the first two soldiers neither of them moved. The next two nothing. I began to regain faith that maybe my men were still loyal, but when I reached the sixth man a solid fist struck my face. The force knocked me into another soldier and I was struck again. It continued on, I was thrown around like a rag doll. A few of the men had clubs and I was violently knocked to the ground. I fought to block out the Pain and kept my focus on the line. The end seemed so far away, but I knew I had to reach it and it would all be over, so with my last bit of strength I pulled myself across the line and collapsed. To my men I appeared to be dead. I almost was, but I couldn't die, not like that. I wasn't going to be beaten to death. A traitor wouldn't defeat me. I was able to regain consciousness, and by a miracle I managed to stand up very slowly. I was unstable and dizzy, but I could see the faces of my men starring at me like they had seen a ghost.
"She's alive" they gasped "Good for her, now finish it" I heard Darphus yell, but luckily I had taught my men something; to play by the rules. I made it out alive.
"NO, she survived, I won't cross that line" My soldiers replied
"Fine, enjoy your exiled" he spat, and I left.
I began to think, why had so many people betrayed me, hurt me. Was their something wrong with me that made people want to hurt me, and what of all the people I had hurt and betrayed? I was just as bad. But it wasn't my fault I was that way. It was Cortees's, and Ibec's, and Caesars'. It was their fault for making me hate and be cold. The only thing I could do was to continue on with my life the way it was. So I would try to get my army back. I found Hercules and fought him, but I was defeated. I told him to kill me and prove that he was the greatest warrior. He responded by letting me free. He told me that being the best warrior isn't about how many people you can kill. That there is so much more to it. He asked me to join him in defeating darphus but I refused. I couldn't understand why someone who hated me didn't kill me when he had the chance. And what did he mean by killing wasn't the only thing about being a warrior, what else was there? Then I started to look at how Hercules was. He was a warrior, but he loved and cared. And what about Cyan and Lao ma? They were both great fighters yet they loved. I couldn't stop thinking about all the people I hated, and the more I thought about them the more I realized how much like them I was. I had become exactly what I hated and I despised myself for all the lives I had taken, the families I split, and the disrespect I showed to my own self and body. I was disgusted with myself and wanted my life to be over, but there was something I had to do and that was stop Darphus.
As I was contemplating this allI had a visit from my patron God Trying to convince me otherwise.
I was sat down on the ground next to a tall tree in the middle of the forest when Ares appeared angry.
"Just what do you think you are doing?"
I didn't look up at him. "Leave me alone"
"Get back out there and finish the job, you were so close"
I stood up and faced him. "Close? He almost killed me.But he spared my life, why?" I yelled back frustrated.
He grabbed my shoulders roughly. "Because he's a coward!!!Xena if you do this you can regain your army and rule as my queen!"
I was so tempted, it would be so easy to just give in and do what he wanted, but I knew it wasn't the right decision.
"I can't"
"What do you mean you can't?"
I pulled away from him.
"I mean I can't do it, I can't kill him, I can't do this anymore, any of it!"
Ares looked stunned and very angry.
"So what are you saying, you don't want to be a warrior anymore?"
"No I'll still be a warrior, I'll just fight for a different side, I'm going with Hercules" I said firmly.
He was pissed now.
"Hercules, what-why?"
"My soul is hurting I can't live this way anymore.the killing, the stealing, betraying, lying.I can't live like this any longer"
he came closer to be again.
"You don't have to! Once you kill Hercules, you can start a new life with me"
"I don't want to.I need peace, I have done terrible things and I have to start making amends"
"you don't need, you haven't done anything wrong. Once you are with me we will bring peace to the world by force"
I thought hard, but I knew what I had to do, my mind was set.
"no Ares.Goodbye"
I turned from him and started to walk away.
"If you leave me now, you become my enemy!" he warned.
I looked at him one last time and left to join Hercules.
We defeated Darphus and my old army. While I was with Hercules he taught me honor, respect, and love. He taught me about the greater good and the true meaning of being a warrior. He unchained my heart.
"If you loved him so much, why did you leave him?" Gabrielle interrupted
"As much as I loved him I needed to find my own way with out him to lean on. I didn't feel I deserved his love, I wanted the hard way out, and he was the easy way. After I left him I almost gave up on myself."
"What changed your mind?" Gabrielle asked
"You did Gabrielle. when I saw those men trying to hurt you and your family I knew what I had to do. I had to save as many lives as I had taken and just maybe my good deeds could atone for my past. You've been my light, a guide through the darkness of my heart. Without our friendship I probably wouldn't be alive now or I'd be a warlord again. But even with you at my side I see that nothing I do can redeem me. I still have nightmares of my past misdeeds, the people I've killed haunt me day and night."
"Xena you are a good person, with a good soul" Gabrielle said comfortingly
"Now maybe, but it doesn't change what I've done. I may have been forgiven by a few people I've wronged, but there are still hundreds more out there that haven't forgiven me"
"If they knew you now they would" Gabrielle stated
"Gabrielle, if I had killed your family.murdered your sister, your mother and father, and left you all alone. Could you forgive me?"
There was a long silence. Gabrielle stared into Xena's eyes from across the campfire where they had set up for the night. Both of the women's eyes were watery.
"Yes, I think I could" Gabrielle Finally spoke very quietly.
"You may be able to, but I can't" Xena whispered very emotionless. She laid down on to her bedroll and pulled the blanket over her head. Gabrielle could only stare down at her friend. So many thoughts going through her mind at once. Gabrielle finally got up and walked to the saddle bag and took out an empty scroll. She sat next to Xena and began writing.
Today I succeeded in getting Xena to talk to me about her past, but now that she has I regret asking her. I see the pain that it has caused her. My dear friend's curse is to spend eternity seeking a redemption she will probably never find. It's hard for me to understand, because the only Xena I've ever known is the one who is my best friend, a loving mother and a person who puts every one and everything before her. She is right though she may be good now, but it doesn't change the evil she's committed in the past, the number of lives she's changed for the worse. Xena's words have troubled me and it poses a question "If a person has committed terrible crimes but is later on reformed and changes their ways, should their sins be forgotten, or will they weigh heavily on the soul when the person is judged in the end.Could you forgive her?"
