(A/N: Thank you to all my reviewers! Please note that this chapter is also based on Clam Chowder's stuff. For the next chapter, I think I'll write it in my own format, to see how that goes. Heh, heh. I'm not very pleased with this chapter, by the way. It's not as funny as I planned.)

Chapter Three: Hagrid and Dobby

[Setting: DOBBY is alone on the GROUNDS, moping.]

DOBBY: I am Dobby; hear me roar!

[DOBBY roars. It sounds more like a distressed mouse.]

DOBBY: Dobby is a fantastic beast.

[HAGRID walks out onto the grounds.]

HAGRID: No need to write with my accent, folks.

[The ANNOYING AUTHORS seem to have forgotten that HAGRID has an accent.]

AUTHOR: I am lazy.

READERS: Oh.

[The READERS do not care, because they thought HAGRID'S accent was annoying, anyway.]

HAGRID: I like dangerous beasts.

DOBBY: Dobby is a dangerous beast, sir!

[Insert the RACOUS LAUGHTER of the READERS here.]

HAGRID: I am large.

DOBBY: But I'm in charge! And besides, you don't know what is large behind these children's soccer shorts!

HAGRID: Why doesn't anyone ever write romance fics about me?

DOBBY: Dobby has never had a romance fic, either!

[The ANNOYING AUTHORS grumble about this.]

HAGRID: Dobby, you are the most dangerous beast there is.

DOBBY: Roar!

HAGRID: I love you, Dobby. I love you more than Norbert.

DOBBY: Can Dobby get Hagrid something?

[HAGRID GRINS, like a MANIAC.]

HAGRID: Why, you're small enough to fit in that one little crack . . .

[SCENE CHANGE: HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE are in the GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM.]

HARRY: I am feeling depressed.

RON: Let's go visit Hagrid.

HERMIONE: I still want him to join S.P.E.W.

[HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE, quickly go down to HAGRID'S HUT. The ANNIYING AUTHORS do a bad job of describing EVERYTHING.]

HARRY: We're here.

RON: Should we knock?

HERMIONE: No, we're obviously supposed to walk in on Hagrid doing something embarrassing, because no one writes romance fics about him.

HARRY AND RON: Oh.

[HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE walk in, as HAGRID looks STUNNED, and FALLS off his chair.]

HERMIONE: Hagrid, whatever are you doing? Does it involve touching yourself?

HARRY: Since no one writes romances about you?

HAGRID: No!

[HERMIONE suddenly notices DOBBY'S TEA COZY on the floor. She POINTS at it.]

HERMIONE: What is that doing here, Hagrid?

HARRY: And what are my old socks doing here?

RON: So that's what that awful smell was . . .

HAGRID: No, that's just my usual stench, since I live in a hut and never bathe.

[DOBBY'S voice is suddenly HEARD.]

DOBBY: Dobby is getting scared, Hagrid sir! It's dark in here!

[HARRY AND COMPANY jump.]

RON: Blimey, Hagrid! You're molesting small children!

HAGRID: No, it's just Dobby.

RON: Oh, you're just raping Dobby the House Elf. That lonely, eh?

[HAGRID NODS.]

HERMIONE: Wanna join S.P.E.W.?

HAGRID: No, that would give these creatures freedom. Next week, I plan to get twelve of them to do my business for me.

HARRY AND COMPANY: EEEEEEEWWWW!

HAGRID: What? No one writes romances about me!

HARRY AND COMPANY: I think we'll leave now . . .

HAGRID: Good, you were interrupting.

[HARRY AND COMPANY leave.]

HAGRID: Anyway, Dobby. I love you . . .

~*~

(A/N: That disgusting, or what? Sorry it wasn't very funny. I'm on a funny writer's block, or something. Ahem, I apologize for that chapter. Well, tell me how much you hated it! And remember, I use flames to cook marshmallows and weenies!

--Clayr)