(A/N: Thank you to all my reviewers! Please note that this chapter is also
based on Clam Chowder's stuff. For the next chapter, I think I'll write it
in my own format, to see how that goes. Heh, heh. I'm not very pleased
with this chapter, by the way. It's not as funny as I planned.)
Chapter Three: Hagrid and Dobby
[Setting: DOBBY is alone on the GROUNDS, moping.]
DOBBY: I am Dobby; hear me roar!
[DOBBY roars. It sounds more like a distressed mouse.]
DOBBY: Dobby is a fantastic beast.
[HAGRID walks out onto the grounds.]
HAGRID: No need to write with my accent, folks.
[The ANNOYING AUTHORS seem to have forgotten that HAGRID has an accent.]
AUTHOR: I am lazy.
READERS: Oh.
[The READERS do not care, because they thought HAGRID'S accent was annoying, anyway.]
HAGRID: I like dangerous beasts.
DOBBY: Dobby is a dangerous beast, sir!
[Insert the RACOUS LAUGHTER of the READERS here.]
HAGRID: I am large.
DOBBY: But I'm in charge! And besides, you don't know what is large behind these children's soccer shorts!
HAGRID: Why doesn't anyone ever write romance fics about me?
DOBBY: Dobby has never had a romance fic, either!
[The ANNOYING AUTHORS grumble about this.]
HAGRID: Dobby, you are the most dangerous beast there is.
DOBBY: Roar!
HAGRID: I love you, Dobby. I love you more than Norbert.
DOBBY: Can Dobby get Hagrid something?
[HAGRID GRINS, like a MANIAC.]
HAGRID: Why, you're small enough to fit in that one little crack . . .
[SCENE CHANGE: HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE are in the GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM.]
HARRY: I am feeling depressed.
RON: Let's go visit Hagrid.
HERMIONE: I still want him to join S.P.E.W.
[HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE, quickly go down to HAGRID'S HUT. The ANNIYING AUTHORS do a bad job of describing EVERYTHING.]
HARRY: We're here.
RON: Should we knock?
HERMIONE: No, we're obviously supposed to walk in on Hagrid doing something embarrassing, because no one writes romance fics about him.
HARRY AND RON: Oh.
[HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE walk in, as HAGRID looks STUNNED, and FALLS off his chair.]
HERMIONE: Hagrid, whatever are you doing? Does it involve touching yourself?
HARRY: Since no one writes romances about you?
HAGRID: No!
[HERMIONE suddenly notices DOBBY'S TEA COZY on the floor. She POINTS at it.]
HERMIONE: What is that doing here, Hagrid?
HARRY: And what are my old socks doing here?
RON: So that's what that awful smell was . . .
HAGRID: No, that's just my usual stench, since I live in a hut and never bathe.
[DOBBY'S voice is suddenly HEARD.]
DOBBY: Dobby is getting scared, Hagrid sir! It's dark in here!
[HARRY AND COMPANY jump.]
RON: Blimey, Hagrid! You're molesting small children!
HAGRID: No, it's just Dobby.
RON: Oh, you're just raping Dobby the House Elf. That lonely, eh?
[HAGRID NODS.]
HERMIONE: Wanna join S.P.E.W.?
HAGRID: No, that would give these creatures freedom. Next week, I plan to get twelve of them to do my business for me.
HARRY AND COMPANY: EEEEEEEWWWW!
HAGRID: What? No one writes romances about me!
HARRY AND COMPANY: I think we'll leave now . . .
HAGRID: Good, you were interrupting.
[HARRY AND COMPANY leave.]
HAGRID: Anyway, Dobby. I love you . . .
~*~
(A/N: That disgusting, or what? Sorry it wasn't very funny. I'm on a funny writer's block, or something. Ahem, I apologize for that chapter. Well, tell me how much you hated it! And remember, I use flames to cook marshmallows and weenies!
--Clayr)
Chapter Three: Hagrid and Dobby
[Setting: DOBBY is alone on the GROUNDS, moping.]
DOBBY: I am Dobby; hear me roar!
[DOBBY roars. It sounds more like a distressed mouse.]
DOBBY: Dobby is a fantastic beast.
[HAGRID walks out onto the grounds.]
HAGRID: No need to write with my accent, folks.
[The ANNOYING AUTHORS seem to have forgotten that HAGRID has an accent.]
AUTHOR: I am lazy.
READERS: Oh.
[The READERS do not care, because they thought HAGRID'S accent was annoying, anyway.]
HAGRID: I like dangerous beasts.
DOBBY: Dobby is a dangerous beast, sir!
[Insert the RACOUS LAUGHTER of the READERS here.]
HAGRID: I am large.
DOBBY: But I'm in charge! And besides, you don't know what is large behind these children's soccer shorts!
HAGRID: Why doesn't anyone ever write romance fics about me?
DOBBY: Dobby has never had a romance fic, either!
[The ANNOYING AUTHORS grumble about this.]
HAGRID: Dobby, you are the most dangerous beast there is.
DOBBY: Roar!
HAGRID: I love you, Dobby. I love you more than Norbert.
DOBBY: Can Dobby get Hagrid something?
[HAGRID GRINS, like a MANIAC.]
HAGRID: Why, you're small enough to fit in that one little crack . . .
[SCENE CHANGE: HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE are in the GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM.]
HARRY: I am feeling depressed.
RON: Let's go visit Hagrid.
HERMIONE: I still want him to join S.P.E.W.
[HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE, quickly go down to HAGRID'S HUT. The ANNIYING AUTHORS do a bad job of describing EVERYTHING.]
HARRY: We're here.
RON: Should we knock?
HERMIONE: No, we're obviously supposed to walk in on Hagrid doing something embarrassing, because no one writes romance fics about him.
HARRY AND RON: Oh.
[HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE walk in, as HAGRID looks STUNNED, and FALLS off his chair.]
HERMIONE: Hagrid, whatever are you doing? Does it involve touching yourself?
HARRY: Since no one writes romances about you?
HAGRID: No!
[HERMIONE suddenly notices DOBBY'S TEA COZY on the floor. She POINTS at it.]
HERMIONE: What is that doing here, Hagrid?
HARRY: And what are my old socks doing here?
RON: So that's what that awful smell was . . .
HAGRID: No, that's just my usual stench, since I live in a hut and never bathe.
[DOBBY'S voice is suddenly HEARD.]
DOBBY: Dobby is getting scared, Hagrid sir! It's dark in here!
[HARRY AND COMPANY jump.]
RON: Blimey, Hagrid! You're molesting small children!
HAGRID: No, it's just Dobby.
RON: Oh, you're just raping Dobby the House Elf. That lonely, eh?
[HAGRID NODS.]
HERMIONE: Wanna join S.P.E.W.?
HAGRID: No, that would give these creatures freedom. Next week, I plan to get twelve of them to do my business for me.
HARRY AND COMPANY: EEEEEEEWWWW!
HAGRID: What? No one writes romances about me!
HARRY AND COMPANY: I think we'll leave now . . .
HAGRID: Good, you were interrupting.
[HARRY AND COMPANY leave.]
HAGRID: Anyway, Dobby. I love you . . .
~*~
(A/N: That disgusting, or what? Sorry it wasn't very funny. I'm on a funny writer's block, or something. Ahem, I apologize for that chapter. Well, tell me how much you hated it! And remember, I use flames to cook marshmallows and weenies!
--Clayr)
