Chapter Ten: Severus Snape

Dumbledore: Now, from the year 1982, Severus Snaaaaaaaapppppe!!!

Harry (Jumping to his feet and pointing wand at Dumbledore): Expecto Patronum! (The stag emerges from his wand and chases Dumbledore around the room.)

Dumbledore: AAAAAHHHH! Okay, okay! I get the point!

(Harry calls the stag back to him)

Dumbledore: Come on Severus. (glares at Harry)

Severus: Song 349.

George: (snickers) Ironic choice. The play it's from is uncanny.

Severus: (sneer) Bugger off. Start the music.

(music starts, a blonde wig affixes itself to Snape's greasy hair.)

Severus: Look at me, I'm Sandra D.

Lousy with virginity

Won't go to bed 'til I'm legally wed,

I can't, I'm Sandra D.!

(1982 Lucius Malfoy pinches Snape's butt.)

Watch it! Hey, I'm Doris Day!

I was not brought up that way.

Won't come across, even Rock Hudson lost

His heart to Doris Day.

I don't drink.

Dumbledore: NO!

Severus: Or swear.

Dumbledore: (In a tone that suggests that Snape is full of it) Oh?

Severus: I don't rat my hair.

(audience snickers)

I get ill from one cigarette.

(Harry chokes on a fig newton at the precise moment necessary for the 'cough, cough, cough' portion of the song.)

Keep your filthy paws off my silky draws!

Did you pull that crap with Annette?

(James and Sirius exchange grins)

As for you Troy Donahue.I know what you wanna do

You've got your crust, I'm no object of lust

I'm just plain Sandra Dee!

Elvis! Elvis! Let me be!

Keep that pelvis far from me

(Gyrates his hips vulgarly with that line of the song much to the disgust of anyone within 25 or 30 feet of him.)

Just keep your cool, now you're starting to drool.

Hey, pongo.I'm Sandra D.!

Dumbledore: I'm sure that we will all.lay awake for many hours after that performance. Well. Here's the score.

Accuracy: 10/10 (It was so accurate that I'm scared.) Vocals: 8/10 (No comment) Audience Participation: 8/10 (Well, they participated.) Performance: 7/10 (I will pay for your therapy sessions.) Song Selection: 5/10 (You need help.)

Dumbledore: A final score of 38/50. Let's here it for Severus Snape!