He's so cute. He's so sweet. He's also a boy, like me.
But eyes are pretty, a bright violet. Whenever I look at him through my…my ugly green ones, I just lose myself in his. My parents, my powers, my isolation is forgotten. I think that is my only salvation.
He's always been kind to me. And sometimes I…we…may think he is acting a bit stupid, it's a childish stupid and I like it.
I am only a child, after all.
I come from a family where normalcy is valued. Where irregularity is despised. I am the irregularity.
I can feel people's emotion. Whether they are good or bad, or neither, I can still feel them. And they become mine.
It's hardly a talent, as others may think. Um…It is useful during missions, I guess, but it's definitely not the greatest power to have. For that matter, I think it's pretty weird.
Tatsumi-san has his shadow warriors. Watari-san has his picture-come-to-life thing and his super intelligence (though sometimes misused), and…Tsuzuki has his shikigami and his wards.
I think I am really really weak.
That's why I don't come out often. Hisoka, as a person, wants to be an adult. He wants to be able to act mature in certain situations and circumstances, and he rarely acts like…well, like a child. But what he isn't aware of is that everyone has an Inner Child. And I am his Inner Child.
But really, what is the definition of 'acting like a child'? Is it to laugh and play, to act childish and disregard things seemingly too difficult to regard? Is it to think of the world as a playground, a place to live happily for all eternity?
Not really.
As a child, we were never allowed those things. We spent the duration of our childhood locked up within a cold, damp basement, forced into a dark corner where no one would dare venture, for fear of the 'thing' that was also occupying said corner.
Us. Hisoka.
But an Inner Child keeps their innocence, their love for life, and I kept mine. If you see things through the eyes of the Inner Child within you, you will see that life is not really against you. You will see that not everyone is out to get you. And you will see that indeed, you have many others willing to venture into the corner and to guide you out.
Like him. Tsuzuki Asato.
He's incredibly strange, for a person who experienced so many pains and tortures in the duration of his life. He is a very happy person; his smiles are like a blessing and his acts of kindness are refreshing from the harsh reality of our 'occupation'.
I know for a fact that it hurts him to have to kill because of what we do. The other and I that make up the one called Hisoka have fully accepted it. Perhaps it isn't the best choice to, but to protest is beyond our ability.
He's different. He can feel guilt, but he can love with his whole heart and never let go despite the pain he will face when he will eventually lose them. He's giving.
Yes, I admire him. He's nice to people. But why would he be nice to me? How many times have I wondered why? Why did it happen to me? Why did I have to be the one to see a monster feeding upon its prey, and in turn became the prey myself?
Perhaps it was to allow me to meet someone like Tsuzuki.
He provides comfort for me; he's just like that. He's a comfort for everyone.
I was a child when I died. The white demon amongst the sea of blood…that is what I saw and what I see every night. A child's fear is indistinguishable, it haunts and it haunts until it drives them crazy.
Soon they will see white demons and red moons everywhere they go.
It's really really hard to try to forget about it. Next to impossible, actually. A child's greatest joy isn't a new toy. It isn't materialistic. I used to think that all a child ever wanted was comfort, because that was all I ever wanted. Now I know.
A child's greatest joy is to have an object of affection. A child isn't born to be comforted. A child is born to comfort. Like when a married couple give birth to a child, it is a sign of their love. It is a comfort to know that as long as the child still exists, then their love is still in existence, and they won't lose what is most precious to them.
How is it that my parents threw away their love for each other as well as I? How is it that they locked me up in the basement amongst the darkness?
I think it was my empathy. Their child was born as a strange thing, a thing that could read minds and feel what their hearts were feeling. Secrets couldn't get past me. I knew their every thought, every emotion. And it scared them.
Maybe because I was so strange, they thought their love for each other would eventually change into something just as weird and disgusting as I am. So the only way to save what they had left was to lock me away so that I would never affect them, I would never affect their life, no one would be able to see me and they would never be able to assume what I am.
Maybe they thought that because I was born to them, that they were the same. Maybe they tried to escape a reality that they only existed within.
They were scared. Yes, they were scared of what I was. What I am.
And as a child, I would try to find someone who wouldn't be afraid, who would accept the comfort I had to offer.
I am a child. I was born to comfort.
But pain can change a person. We became different. No longer was there Hisoka the child. More like Hisoka the cold-hearted.
Maybe Tsuzuki would be the person who will save me.
Us.
It's hard to tell. Sometimes I would wonder if he really had the ability. He would act so stupid, so frustratingly naïve (when I was supposed to be the child) that I am incapable of putting my trust in him, in his actions, in his words.
Then he somehow manages to change my perspective of him. Every time I see him, my thoughts about him change. He becomes a different person.
Maybe that is what we see in him. He can change in our eyes, but we are reassured that his sense of self will never change.
I feel content when I am near him. Why? Because he acts like a child. And he is enough of a child for the both of us.
I can't come out, because this side of me was locked away years ago, when I was first locked into the cold basement of my old home.
But at least, when I am close to him, he will give me hope that one day, I will eventually be allowed to appear.
Even for a split second, I can still cling to that hope.
