Swinging that way
By Vivienne De Silva and Heather Lawson

A/N This is a parody , this is what happens when two authors , one who likes slash and one who dos'nt
come togethor and collaberate a draco and Harry romance. Warning do not take this story seriously.
It is dedicated towards all those real slash writers out their , god bless your smutty little
souls!

Chapter one

The one eyed dragon

The moon was high across the sky, and the world twinkled with beauty as Draco Malfoy pranced (yes pranced) up the steps towards the astronomy tower, his heart a-flutter. This is how our story begins. This, this is where it all began. All the madness that took place at Hogwarts for the past few weeks started with this moment. Draco clutched the bunch of roses to his heart, and sang to the world..
"Oh Harry Potter, my one true love, my golden green eyed minx…soon you shall know my true feelings for you!" He sighed dramatically.
For you see, gentle readers... Draco is gay. The basis of this weird story. Which is incredibly obvious because when you type 'Draco is gay' into a search engine it comes up with around fourty million hits.
Yet innocent Harry was minding his own buisiness, taking some books out of his locker. Because this story has been americanised, which means they suddenly have lockers even though this happens to be a medieval boarding school.
Unfortunately Harry had a detention in the astronomy tower with his arch nemesis Draco Malfoy. You see there had been a situation involving Neville, a toad and a fish named Wanda but let's not get into it. So obviously he wasn't in the mood to put up with Draco's annoying taunting for a whole detention, and was determined to forget the whole thing with an adventure involving the invisibility cloak and the girls' bathroom. Unfortunately, he had infact left it in his dormitory. But before he had time to consider going back, he was confronted by ...yeah you guessed it, Draco.
Draco was a man with a plan, ever since he saw Harry that steaming hunk of manhood on the quidditch pitch he had been determined to make the little Griffindor his. Obviously there was only one romantic situation that would end in a snogging, a detention. Everyone knows that those always end in heavy petting. Normally it was better to hold such a romantic situation in the dungeons. Unfortunately Draco tended to get colds rather easily, and the slimy dungeons would make him ill rather than horny.
Harry eyed the roses suspiciously, and smelled the cologne significantly. His eyes fell on Draco's leather pants.
"Er…"
They didn't leave much to the imagination…not that he wanted to imagine anything.
"Are we supposed to be doing herbology work for this detention? Cos I brought potions stuff," He pointed out.
Draco immediately sprang onto one of the desks, swinging his ever so sexy long buff legs.
"Oh Harry don't be so naïve, you know exactly what I have on my mind," He said with a delicious wink.
Meanwhile Harry was wondering how Draco could breathe in those pants…let alone move.
"Quit mocking me, i don't want to be in here any more than you do." Muttered Harry.
Draco threw the roses over his shoulder and pinned Harry against a wall.
"Oh come on Potter, we're way past that... we both know how we feel about each other," He crooned.
"You mean mind-numbing hatred?" Potter asked angrily.
"You know hate is just love backwards Potter," He said, licking his lips.
Harry could feel something against his legs and he sure as sugar hoped it was Draco's wand.
"Oh God…" He muttered fearfully and attempted to push Draco away. "I'm pretty sure that you're drunk and well…gay so maybe I should run away right about now."
"Potter, i need to show you something, i can't keep it a secret any longer.." Said Draco desperately, reaching down.
"Oh God!" Harry cried.
"You like? It's very good isn't it? Malfoys are known to be well, broad as you say," Smirked Draco.
Harry looked down and thankfully saw a Nimbus 2000 broomstick.
"Oh," Harry cried thankfully. "I thought you were goint so show me your …package!"
"You mean you don't want me to?"
"Malfoy, even if I was gay, I'd never ever go out with you," Harry said, backing towards the door.
Draco froze.
"Is this some sort of game?" He spat.
"What game?" Harry cried.
"You make me feel this way and you reject me?" Draco yelled furiously, tears forming in his eyes.
"I didn't make you feel anything!" Harry protested.
"Oh come on, you've been toying with my emotions since second year!" Yelled Draco.
"Oh my god, emotions?" Said Harry, a slight grin coming to his face. "You?" He couldn't help laugh.
"The way we fight for a snitch in Quidditch…admit it, it makes you horny," Draco sneered, pushing Harry to the ground. Harry was still laughing.
"Malfoy, people usually play quidditch to win, not to get off," Harry laughed as draco glanced at him looking confused.
"What game are you talking about?" He asked and Potter's eyes went wide with shock.
"Oh…you mean you're actually serious!? You're actually…gay?" Harry asked, now very aware that Draco was still pinned on him and was wishing with all his might that he had brought his wand for self defence.
There was a zip sound effect.
"Maybe this will change your mind," Draco said and Harry very nearly fainted.
"For the love of crap, you gotta get off me!" Harry said, going very very pale, shutting his eyes.
"You mean you're not gay, seriously?" Draco asked.
"No!" Harry said soberly.
"You don't swing that way at all?" Draco asked.
"Definitely not…" Harry said, and Draco rolled off him.
"Oh come on, this doesn't turn you on one bit?!" Muttered Draco.
"Put that back where it belongs," Said Harry, still looking away. "It looks like that disgusting sausage thay served at breakfast!"
There was a reluctant zipping noise, and then suddenly a sharp intake of breath. Draco made a very girly noise under his breath and Harry looked up, bored.
"What's wrong now?" He asked and Draco turned away from him, flinching.
"Oh, nothing!" He said in a high pitched voice.
"Your face is turning bright red!" Harry pointed out.
"It's my new blush, flatters my malfoy complexion," Draco wheezed, doubling over.
"Then why are you having trouble breathing?" Harry asked. "It's those pants aren't they, where did you get them?"
"I got them from a fanfiction clichee garage sale, like them?" He laughed sheepishly.
"I think they're cutting off your circulation."
"They're not," Wheezed Draco.
"Tell me what's wrong then."
"Alright," He said through gritted teeth. "My broomstick has gotten tangled in the quaffle net."
"Your what?" Harry asked and Draco rolled his eye.
"My one eyed snake is stuck in my zipper," He wheezed, falling onto the ground.
"You what? Speak clearly man!" Harry cried dramatically.
"Are you some kind of moron? My dick is stuck in my zipper!" Draco cried, his eyes rolling backwards.
Harry recoiled in hearing Draco say 'dick'.
" You said the D word!" he cried
"The pain...urgh..." Muttered malfoy. And to Draco's surprise...Potter started to laugh.
"Oh come on it can't be that bad, let me see," He said cheerfully.
Draco looked at him with a watery eye. "Stop laughing!"
"We need to get you some medical attention, maybe I should get Madam Pomfrey," Harry mocked.
"NO!"
Harry continued to laugh.
"Fine, I'll show you!" Draco growled reluctantly.
Harry looked down.
"SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!" He cried, backing away looking terrified.
"No one can know about this except for you and me," Draco cried pathetically.
"Pfft, no way!" Harry laughed. "After all the torture you put me through...after all the emotional trauma...Why should i keep it a secret?"
"Because I'm a sexy bitch."
"...Hmm," Harry said.
Of course this was true, because even Harry is not immune to the charms of a true sexy bitch.
"Alright, maybe I could perform a shrinking charm on it," Harry said, rolling up his sleeves.
"ARE YOU INSANE!?" Draco howled.
"Yeah you're right, it's already small enough...i've seen bigger on House elves." Harry said quietly.
"Small enough....SMALL ENOUGH!? HOUSE ELVES!?" Yelled Draco desperately.
"Well…they walk around in nothing but togas made out of tea towels for Merlin's sake!" Harry cried, looking embarassed.
They were silent for a while, trying to think about something to do.
"Are you sure you don't swing that way?" Draco whined.
"Yes, you should find someone who actually wants to go out with you," Harry pointed out with annoyance.
"No one does, everyone hates me." Draco said sadly.
"Well yes that's true," Harry pointed out with a grin.
"Shut up!"
"You could get a really stupid boyfriend…how about Goyle or Crabbe?"
"Well jeez it's no secret that they're with each other."
"Er how about ...er..."
"Excuse me but i'm in a large ammount of pain and i would be very grateful if you'd HELP ME!" Yelled Draco.
"Look, I suggested the shrinking charm, it's not my fault if you refuse to consider it," Harry said warningly.
"I happen to need my broomstick thankyou very much, unlike some Griffindors who I happen to know I actually have a sex life!" Draco cried.
"I do have a sex life!" Harry cried.
"Oh please, this is coming from the scarhead who refuses to admit he's gay," Draco muttered.
"I am not gay!" Harry sighed with exasperation.
"If you're not gay then how come you've never been with a girl before?" Draco asked.
"I've been with Cho Chang and she's a girl!" Harry pointed out.
"She doesn't count," Draco said breezingly.
"Why not?" Harry asked angrily.
"Cos she looks like a guy!" Draco said triumphantly.
"She does not!" Harry pointed out. "You just want her to because you're a stupid fag!"
"Ouch," Crooned Draco.
"Look, i'm just going to pull the zip down okay," Said Harry, desperately trying to avoid Draco's flirty eye.
"Ohh, straight to the point are we?" And then he screamed.
"Stop being such a cry baby," He finished…but it was too late, Draco had fainted.
"Oh, he's dead." Harry said quietly, but he couldn't help grin. "What a shame."
Unfortunately this was when Ron Weasley happened to show up.
"Harry, Hermione said you had a detention up here…are you done yet?" A very obnoxious voice cried. "Harry, can I come in?
"Yeah sure."
Ron walked in and waved to Harry. His eyes then stared at the floor.
"Oh my…" He muttered, averting his eyes. "This must be a really horrible detention!!"
"Long story short, Draco's gay and now he's dead," Harry said, shrugging his shoulders.
"Okay, let's chuck his body into the lake and flee to Scotland!" Ron said quickly.
"We can't just leave him here, we'll get in trouble!" Harry cried and Malfoy groaned, sitting up.
"Is…is this who you've…chosen instead of …me, Harry?" He said weakly, and Ron looked at them both.
"What the hell?" He cried and Draco sobbed dramatically.
"You're supposed to be dead!" Said Harry, looking scandalised.
"Oh Gee I'm sorry it's an inconvenience," Said Draco.
"You're seriously hurt and extremely delerious, we need to get you to the hospital wing," Harry said, as calmly as possible.
"You mean to tell me, that injury was caused by his zipper?" Ron said, bursting out laughing. "Take THAT Malfoy!"
"Weasley, i'm still as threatening as i ever was!" Retaliated Draco, pointing at him threateningly. "...Er...your mother is so fat that the wizardring weather association names her anal gas releases!"
"Well you're a stupid fag," Ron said scathingly.
"Why are you all calling me a fag? I should tell Father that you're harassing me for my sexual preferences!" Draco cried dramatically.
"Daddy boy," Ron sneered.
"If he doesn't stop you two, I'm going to sue Potter for everything he's worth." Said Draco gleefully.
"He really has gone delusional," Ron remarked with an amused look on his face.
"I think it's from the loss of prescious dick blood," Draco said quietly.
"He looks really bad," Harry remarked.
"Maybe we should dump him outside Madame Pomfreys office and run away," Ron said.
"Good plan," Harry said, grabbing Malfoy's legs.
"Or we could just leave him here and have a snowball fight outside!" Cried Ron hopefully.
"Alright! I'll tell Dobby to pick him up later," Harry said joyfully and the two boys ran outside, skipping and holding hands…or maybe that was some sort of dillusion Draco was seeing.
"How could you…" Draco muttered, fainting again.

****

A week passed, a dull potions week where nothing really seemed to happen.
"Have you two seen Malfoy? He hasn't called me a mud blood for a week now," Hermione said, during a potions lesson.
"Must you continue to push?" Harry cried psychotically. "Just because two men happened to be alone in the astronomy tower together and there was an accident, doesn't mean anything happenes…will you stop goddamn PUSHING!"
Hermione stared at him baffled. Yes, baffled.
Neville, who was already highstrung pissed his pants and had to run off to the hospital wing as Snape appeared like a bat out of hell. Several Griffindor girls fainted, exposing their necks in a very naughty way. Hermione debated on slaying snape, but then she remembered she was not that blonde heroine from a muggle TV show.
"Listen to me all you pathetic little frog munghers, I am about to say something extremely important…so important it will cause your ear drums to explode," Snape said in his 'I am such a big sleezebag' voice.
Everyone just continued to ignore him.
"Listen you little pathetic slithering worms, I'm bringing a new Slytherin and you're not going to screw around with her!" He yelled. "Everybody, meet Mary Sue Malfoy!"
Everyone in the classroom gasped with horror as a girl walked into the room. A girl so beautiful, so flawless and so wonderful, to look on her would cause your brain to explode.
"Her breasts are so FAKE!" Hermione said to Lavender.
"Oh yeah, she's totally had a boob job," She remarked.
Though Harry didn't think she was that beautiful at all. It was just the silvery long hair that made her look nice. Her face was sort of mannish in his opinion.
"Whoa, look at her hair!" Remarked Ron in an awed whisper. "It reminds me of...Fleur..."
They all started drooling like morons because she was a Mary Sue, and it is impossible not to like a Mary Sue. To not like one would destroy the universe.
You'll know this if you've read as many fics as we have, folks.
"Hello everyone, I'm a mysterious and beautiful exchange student here to act as a moronic love interest," Mary Sue Malfoy breathed, her voice was like a bell…half the boys immediately passed out.
"Merlin, I hate it when that happens," Snape said and he revived all the boys with his wand.
"Sit down Drac…I mean Mary Sue Malfoy before you cause a mass suicide attempt," He drawled sarcastically. "...Not that I really care anyway" He turned on his heel and walked away, his long black robe flying behind him.
Mary Sue Malfoy stood up and glided towards Harry, a smirk on her face.
"Hello Harry" Mary Sue Malfoy grinned. Harry gulped, he realized he was sitting next to an actual girl. This never really happened and it was enough to cause anyone to have a panic attack. Of course he had sat next to Hermione but she didn't count because she wasn't as hot as Cho Chang...in his opinion anyway. Ron didn't seem to think the same.
"Um…hi?" He squeaked. Mary Sue Malfoy squeezed his leg and Harry nearly screamed with horror. This was all too familiar.
"Malfoy!" He yelled angrily.
"Yes, Mary Sue Malfoy," She giggled.
Harry stood up, looking enraged and pulled 'Mary Sue' Malfoy up by the collar and dragged her into another room, locking the door behind them.
"Malfoy...what are you playing at?" Said Harry in an angry whisper.
"You know it's not nice to be violent with girls,"
"Draco I know it's you, you prat! Don't play dumb with me!"
"Oh my goodness, Harry's bashing up girls!" Lavender cried in the hall hysterically, having heard Harry's yelling.
"She's not a girl!" Yelled Harry.
"Yes I am!" Yelled 'Mary Sue' Malfoy.
Ron seemed to be attracted to Mary Sue and was trying to break into the locked door. Hermione gave him a look of disgust and that's when he remembered that he could use magic to open the door...duh...
"Alohamora!" He said, as sparks flew out his wand and unlocked the door.
He opened it and closed it behind them, making sure nobody outside could see or hear inside the room.
"Oh Mary Sue Malfoy, let me make sweet love to you!" He cried, his arms outstretched.
"Eeeew I would never…with you, Weasley!" Mary Sue Malfoy cried, slightly panicked.
"I know you're a veela but i don't care!"
"Poor Mary Sue, Ron is a terrrible kisser," Lavender said sadly with her ear pressed against the locked door.
"Wait a second, how do you know that?" Hermione cried.
Lavender immediately ran out of the room while a very jealous Hermione tried to bash her on the head with her 'Hogwarts - a history' book.
Inside of the room, Harry was still angry at Draco.
"How could you do that?" He whispered so no one but Draco would hear. "You...you gave me a...stiff wand!"
"Really?" Cried Draco extatically. "Oh my God you love me!"
"I thought you were a girl!" Muttered Harry angrilly. "I like GIRLS! Get it through your thick skull!"
"I am a girl!" Draco cried happily, prancing around. "I'm Mary Sue Malfoy!"
"Mary Sue, I love you!" Ron cried, getting on his knees and taking her hand, apparently he didn't hear what 'mary sue' said a few seconds ago.
"Er…" Draco eeped.
"Should you tell him or should I?" Harry said, trying to stifle a laugh. After all, his worst enemy was dressed in drag, just waiting to be humiliated. He felt kind of sorry for ron though. He made a promise in his head never to pay him out about it.
"I have no idea what I saw in you," Draco growled and Ron jumped back with surprise.
"Darling, you have such a masculine voice," Ron said. "Wha...what?"
"Ron, I have to tell you something..." Said Harry quietly, looking slightly sympathetic.
Harry took his wand out, tapped Draco's head and muttered "Repairo".
Draco screamed and collapsed onto the floor like a maniac.
"Don't look at me!" He cried as he turned back into a boy, and Pansy's socks fell out of his bra.
"Oh my god…" Ron said quietly, going green in the face.
"Sorry Ron." Said Harry.
Ron began spewing all over the potions floor.
"Ten points from Griffindor for messing up the dungeons," Snape called.
"How did he do that, he's in the next room!" Harry said desperately.
"I heard that Potter, ten points from Griffindor for breathing too loudly!" Snape's voice echoed from down the hall.
Ron was still vomiting.
Lavender Brown ran past, being chased by Hermione, as Draco walked outside of the now unlocked room.
"I knew those boobs were fake!" She cried triumphantly, pointing at Malfoy's socks.
"Really Malfoy, you should've transfigured your chest, far more realistic," Hermione added, dashing past.
"Yeah that's what Hermione did," Said Lavender Brown Shrilly.
"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!' Hermione cried, and the two girls ran out of the room.
"And you prefer those insane bitches to men?" Draco asked curiously, raising an eyebrow.
Harry looked at him. Draco was serious.
"Think about it, you'll never know what way you swing until you actually...well test it," He said.
Harry glanced at Draco, and a million horny fan girls around the world screamed "KISS HIM!!!"
"For some bizzare reason, girls really seem to like it when two guys get it on." Said one Author.
"Not us though. We are perfect in every way." Said the other.
Harry looked at him and realised this was true.
"...What...what does it...feel like?" He stammered.
"…Y'know...really good, when you love someone..." Replied Malfoy Seriously.
"But ... Cho," Harry said.
"KISS HIM!!!" All the fan girls screamed.
"Can you hear a bunch of annoying girls screaming?" Harry asked curiously.
"NO!" Draco snapped, impatiently.
Ron had stopped vomiting, but much to his horror saw Harry and Draco looking like they were friggin Romeo and Juliet.
"Harry what are you doing!" Ron yelled hysterically.
"Ermm I was…buying a sheep!" Harry cried the first thing that came into his head, and ran out of the room as quickly as possible, bright red in the face.
"Actually he was about to shag me for your big fat information," Draco spat, and if Ron's dinner wasn't already all over the floor he would have thrown up again. "Thanks for wrecking it!" And he stormed out of the room too.
"Oh my god!" Ron cried, running out after him.
"Hey what happened to Mary Sue Malfoy!" Cried some of the boys outside the room.
"I'm Mary Sue!" Draco cried.
And because this is the world of slash, dear readers…it is impossible to have a single male present at any time.
"Oooo even better!" All the boys giggled like a bunch of blouse wearing pansies.
Allthough Goyle and Crabbe came up to him and said "Huhhh great joke Draco!"
"Yeahh you really embarassed that Potter freak!"
"Er...Yeah, joke," Said Draco. "It was all a joke!" He sniffed sadly, and then burst into tears.
"Fifty points from Griffindor for making Draco cry," Snape droned evily and looked over his shoulder. "Oh wait, he's not here," He said and felt like crying himself. For as most of you know Snape is an evil dominatrix and he loves to torment harry.

***

Meanwhile poor little Ron Weasley was sitting in a corner sniffling pathetically. For one thing, he was attracted to a girl who turned out to really be a guy, and then it all got very confusing. Suddenly he was hit on the head by something very very hard, which turned out to be Hermione's copy of 'Hogwarts - a history'.
"Dammit Granger, you hit your boyfriend on the head!" Lavender's voice cried.
"Well maybe if you didn't move so much you fat cow I would have hit you instead!" Hermione cried.
"Fat!" Yelled Lavender. "Excuse ME!"
"Um…I think I'm…in pain…" Ron winced, woozingly.
"Mcgonnagal's going to kill us for this," Lavender said shrilly.
"Oh no, we'll just tell her that Ron was sexually harassing us and we had to protect ourselves. It's a bi-law in Hogwarts - a history," Hermione said, leaning down. She looked at poor woozy Ron and couldn't help grinning a little. He was still adorable.
"Oh dear…I think I might be gay," Ron said in a little voice, his mind suffering horribly from the concussion. He was of course thinking of the Mary Sue Malfoy incident.
"WHAT!" Hermione screamed hysterically and immediately fainting from shock.
Lavender Brown stared at both of the unconscious bodies, a frightened expression on her girly-girl face.
"Oh dear," She said, smacking her perfectly painted lips together.