CHAPTER TWO

By Heather and Vivenne

A/N This chapter is completally
Insane , and for some reason
word pad wont let me write a
A/N

It was a disasterous situation. One which put all the females in the Griffindor tower in Jeopardy. Drastic action had to be taken before it esculated into a world wide disaster.
"Girls," Said Lavender brown, self spoken air-head of Griffindor. "We have a situation." She said firmly, pounding her squeaky toy gavel against a wooden desk.
"You mean they switched our quilted toilet paper to generic again?" Ginny Weasley cried.
"Or Mcgonnagal refuses to let us wear as many earrings as we want?" Lavender's best friend Parvati Patil asked.
"No, It's much worse than that," Lavender said darkly.
The female members of the Griffindor quidditch team gasped with shock.
"You mean they're not letting girls play on the teams anymore?" Katie Bell cried.
"No, there's more to life than sport, you dykes!" Lavender said, rather rudely. "The situation could mean the end of our lives as we know it, girls…all the boys are turning gay." Lavender said Dramatically.
"You mean they're happy?" Parvati asked.
"That's a good thing isn't it?" Asked Angelina Johnson.
"No, I mean they are all turning into disco-loving, Celestina-Warbeck-ticket-holding-drag queens!" Lavender cried.
Everyone gasped with shock.
"Even Harry?" Ginny asked, nearly fainting.
"Especially Harry! I saw him with Draco in potions," Said Parvati.
"Oh...Harry!" Cried Ginny, covering her face with her hands, starting to sob.
"At this rate girls, we'll have no boyfriends at all!" Parvati cried hysterically.
"It's our fault, these uniforms are hardly flattering…no wonder the boys are all preferring to ride broomsticks rather than carpets!" Katie Bell cried.
"It's not our fault we have to wear these uniforms!" Sobbed Ginny, her face stained with tears.
"The only sollution is if we make them straight again!" Cried Lavender.
"Well…duh," Said Parvati.
"We have to talk to Mcgonnagal in order to get the uniforms changed, the world is at stake!" Lavender cried.
"If all the boys are gay, there will be no babies, and if there are no babies then all the witches and wizards will die out!" Ginny squeaked, sucking her thumb.
They all stared at her.
"I think we all knew that Ginny," Lavender said kindly.
"I miss Harry," She sobbed quietly.
"First of all, we have to comfort one of our members whose boyfriend recently changed," Parvati said seriously, looking at Hermione, who was looking glumly into the fireplace. It was strange how the dancing red flames reminded her of his vivid weasley hair.
"Okay, we'll do that," Said Hermione quietly. "And when it doesn't work, we'll charm the boys into thinking otherwise."
The whole room was quiet.
"Wow Hermione, that's a good idea," Said Lavender, looking a bit bimbo-ish compared to her. "For a nerd, you're pretty smart."
The whole room rolled their eyes except for Hermione herself who was still crying softly by the fire.
"Maybe that's my problem, maybe I wasn't hot enough to keep Ron…you saw Malfoy, his jugs were bigger than mine!" Hermione sobbed.
"His jugs were a pair of rolled up socks, Herm," Lavender pointed out, kindly.
"Maybe it's a good thing, after all, you said he was a horrible kisser," Hermione said sadly.
"NO! Never give up on your dreams Hermione! Never give up on the weasel!" All the girls cried.
Lavender looked a little sheepish but she grinned at Hermione who grinned back.
"Okay girls, we don't have much time," Said Lavender, the undisputed leader of the girls. "Let's get cracking."

***

Harry was walking down the halls to his Transfiguration lesson.
Draco was right. What if Harry really was gay and didn't know it? He had never really...experimented before. Of course he had never driven a car before, or eaten a dragon before, or blown Draco…ack he wasn't going to think about those things! He was NOT GAY, period! And that was that.
Ron was running up behind him and finally caught up.
"Harry, um I need to talk to you," He said, a very scared expression on his face.
"Ron have you gotten your shirt caught in your zipper again?" Harry asked patiently.
"No... can you keep a secret?" Ron asked.
"Er.. ok sure," Harry said, shrugging his shoulders.
"I think I'm attracted to.." Ron began and whispered in Harrys ear.
"WHAT!?!" Harry cried. "Why would you be telling me this? Why would you tell anyone this?"
"But Harry, wait!" Ron cried pathetically.
"He's Draco Malfoy!" Harry reminded him. "He tourmented us for four whole books!"
"Hey, you seem to like him as well!" Ron said desperately.
"I do not," Harry muttered but he immediately blushed right red. "Ron, I suggest you go find Hermione now and kiss the gay right out of you," Harry said.
"But…I don't think I like her anymore…"
"How could you not like Hermione?" Harry protested. "She'd do anything for you!"
"No she wouldn't," Said Ron annoyingly. "She's a stupid know it all."
"Well you're just scared because she's the man in the relationship."
"Shut up!"
Ron looked around to make sure nobody was watching.
"You're just ashamed to be my friend because you can't handle who I really am!" Ron said dramatically.
"I'm not!" Harry began.
"You're a homophobic Harry! That's what you are!" Ron cried in his british accent.
"WHAT!" Harry shouted, he had never imagined for a second that he could be a homophobic.
"You so are!" Ron said angrily, pointing in his face.
"I am not a homophobic! I love gay people - I mean I love women - I mean I love boobies!" Harry yelled, looking flustered. "I LIKE BREASTS!"
"You're also a sexist pig, you shouldn't love women because of their boobies," Ron pointed out.
"I…I mean," Harry cried. Several girls walked past.
"Sexist asshole," Said Susan Bones.
"He's probably a fag," Retorted Hanna Abbot and the two Hufflepuffs continued to walk away. There was a very small cough… Harry looked up and saw Professor Snape staring down at him.
"Mr Potter, my office…now." He said, testidly.

*****

Professor Mcgonnagal was drinking tea, which is all that British women seem to bloody do. She sipped her Earl Grey tea and imagined the sight of Remus Lupin dancing around in a pair of boxers to the song "Play that funky music white boy"…but let's not get into that. The doors burst open and over three hundred teenage girls swarmed into her office. Minerva was forced to transform into a cat to get out of the way, and she jumped onto her closet where she unfortunately got stuck.
"Professor Mcgonnagal," Said Lavender in a shrill yet important voice. "We need different uniforms NOW!"
Professor Mcgonnagal who had transformed back into a human, sat on top of her wardrobe, an annoyed expression on her face.
"Why miss Brown, you can purchase new uniforms at Diagon Alley," She said calmly.
"No, we need new designs for our uniforms, these ones make us look like we escaped from a Nunnary!" Said Lavender.
"There's a reason behind these uniforms Miss Brown, without them half of Hogwarts would end up pregnant… unfortunately most wizards have no idea how to use a condom," Professor Mcgonnagal replied seriously. "Besides, Nuns are good. Nuns don't get pregnant and ruin their lives."
All the girls looked at Professor Mcgonnagal solemly.
"I'm sorry to hear that, Professor Mcgonnagal," Said Hermione sadly. "I won't tell anyone.
Half of the girls didn't understand what Hermione meant because they're all 2D bimbos anyway.
"The uniforms are causing the other half of Hogwarts to turn extremely gay!" Pansy Parkinson cried. "My Draco has started wearing my pants for Merlin's sake!"
"We have no hope of snatching the boys on our own, JK Rowling has given all of us extremely boring personalities!" Lavender said.
Minerva, who was written to be a stuck up witch with a pole up her ass noded.
"Very true," She admitted, scratching her chin.
"And if all the boys turn gay, then the wizardring world's population will suffer," Lavender said, and Ginny stepped forward with several pie graphs.
"Judging by these statistics, at this rate all males at Hogwarts will be homosexual by the end of 2004," Ginny said seriously.
"I hope you realise that Hogwarts isn't the only school," Said Mcgonnagal sternly. "There are alot of other schools out there who will be straight."
The girls were quiet.
"Yeah well...Aww Come onnn!" Cried Lavender. "We have PIE GRAPHS!"
"Those schools aren't as good as Hogwarts, Professor Mcgonnagal," Said Hermione seriously. "Hogwarts in fact has the most powerful male sperm samples in the world."
"Yes I know, Ron was powerful..." Said Lavender wistfully.
"WHAT!" Yelled Hermione, looking enraged.
"I will not change the uniforms and that is final," Said Mcgonnagal. "Now please leave the room and get on with your homework."
"Professor, it might spread to the teaching staff!" Lavender said enticingly, her eyes on the framed photo of Remus Lupin.
Professor Mcgonnagal's eyes widened with shock.
"Really?" She choked.
"I think I saw Lupin with Sirius Black the other day," Hermione said dreamingly.
Professor Mcgonnagal was horrified and fell off her chair.
"SIRIUS BLACK!" All the girls screamed in horror.
"He's good now!" Hermione snapped, impatiently.
"Oh that's allright then," Pansy Parkinson said sarcastically.
"Girls, I've considered your situation and well…perhaps a small change in the uniforms might be allowed. I will talk to professor Dumbledore about this change in the boys hearts and see what he thinks." Mcgonnagal said, reluctantly.
"Ohh thankyou so much!!" Cried Lavender.
"Yes thankyou!!" Squealed Ginny.
All the girls started squealing and ran out of the room.
Professor Mcgonnagal sighed, and got down over to her desk, finishing her tea. She picked up the photo of Lupin. Angsty adorable men were just...irrisistible.

****

Voldemort cackled evily. He was very good at cackling, he got ten out of ten at evil adult education for it. For you see, Voldemort had a plan. A very vendictive evil smelly belly plan. Because he was well, evil.
"Does this plan involve making all the towels in a five star hotel wet, because it's really annoying when you get out of the shower and the towels are wet," Peter Pettigrew whined in a very annoying voice.
"No, be quiet I'm thinking of evil things," Voldemort snapped impatiently.
"Do you know what would be great? If you like rigged all the televisions on the world so they broke when the world soccer match is about to end," Said Pettigrew.
"You suck at being evil," Said Voldemort.
Peter Pettigrew pouted and ran off to go freak out customers in a french restaurant by turning into a rat and runing around in their food.
"My Lord," Lucius said, performing a very impressive macarena. He hated the Dark Lord's new 'secret handshake'.
"Yes, Lucius?"
"Not that I would ever contradict you sir, but why does your plan for world domination involve making Harry Potter gay?" Lucious asked.
"Because if he's gay, he'll never have any children and if he never has any children there will never be another heir to Griffindor!" Voldemort cried melodramatically.
The death eaters looked at him, rather confused.
"And because everyone hates gay people."
"Oh," they all said.
"Really?" Asked Lucius, looking uncomfortable. "Why don't we just kill him? You know, walk behind him and hit him on th head with a brick."
"Because this way, he'll die sad and alone from old age and no one will blame me for his death!" Voldemort muttered evily.
"I still don't see why we can't kill him," Lucius replied.
Voldemort growled with frustration. Idiots! Fools! None of them could see his pure salty goodness. Not that he would want them to. Well…maybe Lucius…just once…
"My Lord, your spell has had some unfortunate repercussions," Said Lucius gravely. "It seems that instead of making Potter gay, it is making every male in the entire school gay."
"The charm we placed on Harry made him immune to the spell, eventually Harry will be the only straight male at Hogwarts!" Said another Death Eater.
"Oh who cares, the more dying the better," Said Voldemort with a casual flick of his hand
"Voldemort, that means my son will be gay!" Lucius said.
"Your son was a fag anyway," Voldemort said.
"That remark is somewhat homophobic," Crabbe pointed out.
"Not when it is said by a homosexual," Voldemort replied by accident.
"I love you Voldemort and I want to have your baby!" Cried Lucius suddenly.
And all the death eaters started crying with emotion and leaning down to kiss his feet.

***

Tick tick tick went the clock in Snape's office. Harry's eyes darted from side to side nervously, he was convinced without a doubt that he was going to die. Snape loomed above him, his cape billowing black. Snape was very good at looming, infact he had taken a teaching course in it.
Wow, this had been some week. He had been pinned to a wall by a gay Draco, found out that his best friend was gay, and was questioning his own sexuality. And now he was locked in a room being glared at by his least favourite teacher. He hated to think where this was going.
"Professor, er…what did I do wrong?" Harry asked tentively.
"You were being prejudiced Potter," Snape said very snidely, snapping a leather whip against his desk. Harry realised Snape was looking very much like a kinky YMCA boy as he backed away, absoloutely terrified.
"What are you going to do?" He squeaked.
"Punish you," Snape growled as he cracked the whip once again, a hungry expression in his eyes.
"I...er..." Harry stuttered, looking terrified. "Isn't that illegal?"
"In many schools yes," Said Snape. "Although this is one of them I enjoy bending the rules." He leant forward and Harry visually imagined being violated by a sick perverted bastard.
"Please, I'm only a young boy with baby bottom smooth skin," Harry squealed.
"What?" Snape cried flabbergasted. "I was going to send you to Hagrid on order to walk his damn flobberworms!"
Harry breathed again, very relieved.
"Thankyou Professor Snape!" He said desperately. Harry shut his mouth in surprise at thanking Professor Snape for something and after a small silence he got the hell out of there before anything else could go wrong.
"But seeing as you have such a perverted mind, perhaps something else is nessesary," Snape snapped, but it was too late, Harry had vanished.
"Damn!" Spat Snape. He debated on whether he should go after him, but under his robes his short shorts were too restricting and he could hardly move. He merely frowned to himself and turned around.
"You still in there Lupin?" He asked.
"Punish me professor!" A werewolf's voice growled from underneath his desk.
Harry ran as fast as he could. This all was getting too weird, he had to find Hermione. She was probably the only person he knew that was making sense in the whole damn school.

***

Hermione was depressed and feeling somewhat suicidal. She was perched on the arm rest of a chair, and over the past hour and a half she had been devouring entire blocks of chocolate. When Harry ran in, his shoes practically on fire, he found the wretched girl crying her eyes out with a sticky chocolate rim around her mouth.
Most uncharacteristic but hey it's our story, if you don't like it, deal with it.
"Hermione!" He cried, stopping before her chair. "I need to ...what's wrong?"
"Ron's…Ron's GAY!" Hermione cried.
"Yes, I knew that all along sadly," Said Harry, shaking his head.
"Don't you get it Harry? I've been plotting to snag Ron for months! If I marry Ron I'll be in a pure blood family and no one will be able to call me a mudblood anymore!" Hermione said solemly.
"You mean you only want Ron because you don't like people insulting you?" Harry asked.
"He also has a hot ass," Hermione said, munching up more chocolate.
"Hmm true," Harry agreed and suddenly slapped his hand over his mouth…what the hell was he saying?
"Oh no, you've switched sides too…poor Ginny," Hermione said in a sarcastic tone of voice.
"Very funny," Said Harry sarcastically.
"Well it's not my fault that Ron's gay and I have to eat all this chocolate to try cheer myself up!" Cried Hermione. "This whole week's been a complete disaster!"
"That's what i've been wanting to talk to you about," Said Harry. "Do you know why everybody's turning gay?"
Hermione glared at him. Harry felt somewhat intimidated.
"If I knew what was going on do you think I'd be here stuffing myself with chocolate?" She cried shrilly. "Professor Mcgonnagal makes us girl dress like a bunch of nuns, if I was you I would turn gay too!"
"So I take it that girls aren't turning lesbian?" Muttered Harry hastily. But then again in his opinion it wouldn't be bad to watch Cho and one of her friends…anyway…
"No the girls aren't lesbians, well except for Millicent Bullstrode and Hannah Abott…but what those do together is none of my business," Hermione replied.
Harry who was still musing about Cho wasn't paying attention. Hermione rolled her eyes.
"What is it with guys and the perverted idea of two witches 'doing a spell' together?" Hermione asked.
"Sometimes when I think about two girls doing a spell I get all excited and then I do a spell by myself," Harry giggled.
"I ...didn't need to know that," Said Hermione quietly.
"Hey, I'm honest," Harry said, shrugging his shoulders.
"Well your honesty is annoying, why don't you try this touchy feely crap on Draco?" Hermione asked sarcastically.
"No." Harry said.
"I know that you like him, it's so obvious," Hermione stated.
Harry blushed bright red. "I do NOT!" He shrieked.
"Do to!"
"Do not!"
"To to!"
"Do not!"
"Do to…oh screw this, we're both being very immature and it's not helping Ron," Hermione said.
"Maybe if you run up and kiss him or something," Harry said.
"I'm not on kissing terms with him," Hermione said stubbornly.
"Please? I want my friend back!" Harry winced.
Hermione was silent.
"NOT THAT WAY!" He yelled.
"No." Said Hermione, crossing her arms and turning her back to him.
"Fine," Said Harry, a mischeivous grin coming to his face. "I'll go find Lavender."
For some reason this seemed to motivate Hermione who reluctantly agreed.
"Fine I'll do it, Lavender's a whore," Hermione said as-a-matter-of-factly, and stood up.
"I heard that!" Cried a voice in the background that nobody heard.
"Are you sure you can make ron straight?" Harry cried.
"Well I have to get rid of this stupid uniform but yes, I think I can." Said Hermione.

***

"Allright girls, take it from the top," Lavender called from her director's chair. She was launching the second stage of her plan, it was her theory that the uniforms were not enough. What was needed was an incredibly sexy entrance into the great hall.
"Are you sure this is a good idea Lavy, maybe we should accept the boys for who they are!" Parvati whined self righteously.
"Parvati, shame on you!" Scolded Lavender. "What about our darling Seamus? We can't let him get with Dean Thomas can we?"
"Okay you win.."
"Actually Seamus would never get with Dean," Said Ginny, and everyone looked at her. "…Dean has really bad zits!"
"Whatever," Said Lavender, motioning to her right where there was a curtain. "Come on out Pansy!"
Pansy walked out. "I want to wear more makeup!" She shrieked, though she was wearing so much lipstick she looked like Bozo the clown…in Hermione's opinion anyway. Pansy's dress was short and black with high boots
"Pansy, no one wears red lipstick anymore, it's all about peach gloss this season!" Lavender growled. Pansy looked like a cross between a cow and a drag queen. Lavender groaned. This wasn't working at all.
"Girls, have we managed to choreograph our entrance yet?" She asked.
"They're still fighting over the music," Ginny said. "They can't decide between 'play that funky music white boy' or that song from Moulin Rouge."
"Ginny, just so you know, you're really annoying," Lavender said sweetly.
"You're evil," Muttered Ginny.
"Come on, try another practise," Said Parvati. "How about you Lavender?"
"Allright.." Said Lavender.
Lavender walked behind the curtain as Parvati turned on a radio, booming with Moulin Rouge music. How they know that Moulin Rouge exists is anyone's guess…well actually Hermione had the sound track. She had muggle parents after all.
"This is the last time I let them root through my CD collection," Hermione muttered darkly.
"How did we get a CD player anyway?" Parvati asked, swivelling her hips.
"All crappy fan fics have a CD player or a computer at some point, they never acknowlage that electricity doesn't work at Hogwarts," Hermione said.
Before anyone could agree, Lavender sashayed into the room with utmost grace, all the girls staring at her with admiration.
"Ohh my gosh, I'm being admired!" Breathed Lavender. "I'm not a bimbo anymore!"
"Wow, you've been given a personality, and all it took was for every male in Hogwarts to turn into flamboyant homosexuals." Said Ginny Sarcastically. Ginny has obviously been written as a cynical little cow, hell we're sick of her being so sweet and innocent.
"Wow, we have personalities!!" Yelled a very butch Parvati.
"I now have an urge to get with my friend Casey!" Cried Cho Chang.
"Harry, stay out of the descriptions!" Said the older Author after Cho's outburst.
"I want to take up Ballet!" Yelled Alicia Spinett.
"And I have just realised that I come from a pure blood family who lives in Brentford, my father sells cauldrons and my mother's a solicitate, My favourite colour's blue and I love horse riding because it makes you horny," Lavender said all in one go.
Everyone looked at her.
"It's true! Why else do you think those girls spend all their time broomstick flying?" Lavender said, pointing to the female members of the quidditch team.
"Having something between your legs is fun when there are no real men around," Angelina Johnson said, who looked uncomfortable.
There was a thougtful pause.
"Maybe we should just let the guys turn gay, and buy some broomsticks," Said Pansy sourly.
"Buying a broomstick requires less effort then putting those godawfull boots!" Parvati agreed, falling over.
"No! Because if the guys turn gay then we'll never be able to manipulate anyone!" Lavender cried. "We won't ever be able to get them to do what we want!"
The girls all agreed, after all if the guys were no longer attracted to them it would mean no more fabulous gifts and romantic dates. Though it would also mean no demeaning groveling if the said boys ever cheated on them.
Suddenly someone ran into the great hall…it was that lesbian, Hannah Abbot!
"Harry's been taken to Snape's office!" She cried.
"No!" Cried Ginny, bursting into tears.
"Why do you care, you're a lesbian!" Lavender pointed out.
"I am not! Why does everyone keep saying that!" She yelled.
Hannah Abbot stormed into the room, she was annoyed because everyone thought she was a lesbian just because she had short hair. But all of the girls in this story have already proven on numerous occasions that they are stupid.
"Look, Harry's stuck inside a room with an evil dominatrix!" Said Hannah Abbot.
"He isn't anymore," Said Hermione. "And I'm relying on this stupid meeting to help him!"
"We're trying as hard as we can!" Cried Angelina Johnson, in charge of the costumes.
"It's not our fault that everything comes in black or grey," Lavender said.
"Actually I like the cute schoolgirl skirts," Said a third year Ravenclaw, though nobody paid attention.
"Didn't I say before that this idea wouldn't work?" Said Hermione. "Our only hope is charming the boys now."
"That's what we're trying to do!" Cried bimbo/butch Parvati.
"I mean charm them with a SPELL!" Cried Hermione. "We're in a school for witches and wizards! Honestly!!"
The whole room was silent.
"Why didn't I think of that!" Squealed Cho's friend Casey.
"Don't listen to her!" Lavender screamed.
"If you put a spell on someone who's under a spell it turns out in to this huge spelly pile of spelly stuff." Said Hannah Abbott.
"Everyone, if we charm the boys then they'll follow us around constantly like a bunch of sick little monkeys…we have to get them on our own."
"Wait a second, how do you know the boys are under a spell?" Parvati asked Hannah.
"Um…it's obvious?" Hannah said.
"But I'm the smart one!" Yelled Hermione "I'm always right!"
"When it comes to books yes, but when it comes to boys you haven't got a damn clue," Said Lavender.
"Well what are we going to do then, we're making absoloutely no progress!" Screeched Ginny.
"We'll have to bring out the heavy artillery," Said Lavender gravely. "Girls…we need to consult the Weasley twins!" She cried, punching her fists into the air.
And one of the authors went nuts because she loves the Weasley Twins.
"No!!" Cried Angelina. "They can't be gay can they?"
"PLEASE, they're my brothers! They're so immature I bet they don't even know what sex is," Ginny pointed out.
"Oh yes they do..." Giggled Angelina Johnson and Alicia Spinett.
"…Eew." Said Ginny.
"There's only one way to find out," Said Lavender. "And that's...to find them."
"...was that supposed to sound dramatic because that sounded stupid."
"Shut up Parvati!

***

Ron was upset and angsty for once. He had gone to Hogsmeade because every slash fic has the characters go to Hogsmeade at some point. Poor Ronnie had stuffed himself with Honeydukes candy and was now filling himself with butterbeer, attempting to see how much he could drink before he'd puke. He was a very sad little panda. He was in a gay world where people hated homosexuals which was ridiculous because the hatred of homosexuals came from religious ideology and wizards were not religious. If anything the wizards should be like the ancient greeks, filled with swinging gay people. But everyone seems to ignore that fact. Mainly because scenes filled with persecution are so much fun to write! They're filled with angst and all sorts of neat things.
"Beer," He grunted to Madam Rosmerta.
"Aren't you only fifteen?" She asked.
"So?" He growled.
"So it's illegal to sell alcohol to minors, you child," She said, marching off.
"But I'm adorable!" He sniffed.
"True i guess," Said Madam Rosmerta. "Which kind would you like?"
"The kind that makes you go uhhh i'm drunk and yeah," He said with a loud burp.
"One glass of Coca Cola coming up!
Ron sniffed the non-magical muggle beverage suspiciously.
"Are you sure this will drown my sorrows?" He asked. But nonetheless he took the glass and skulled it down.
"Aaack it burns my throat!" Ron shrieked. "I love it!"
Needless to say, five minutes later he was literally bouncing around the pub screaming hysterically.
"The sugar always hits them 'ard," Rosmerta said to her favourite customer Hagrid.
"Can't you see I'm pissed, you stupid woman!?" Hagrid growled before fainting on the floor. That Hagrid, what a character…no one seems to notice he uses beer to solve all his problems. Ha ha ha.
Ron was now on top of the bar singing loudly "the wizards Knobb has no end!"
"Is he the entertainment?" Cornelious Fudge asked.
"No, not really," Replied Rosmerta as Ron ripped off his shirt and threw it at several screaming fourth year girls.
"Oh, he's surprisingly good," The minister of magic said, turning bright red.
"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts!" Sang Ron in his british accent.
"That's probably why he took it off," Rosmerta mused.
Malfoy just happened to be in the same bar because this happened to be a day full of stupid clichees meerly grunted. He then realised that he had not entered the pub in an overly dramatic way! How embarassing! He imediately left the bar as descretely as possible.
"Where's he going?" Asked Cornelius.
"He's going to enter in an overly dramatic way, all the Malfoys seem to do that," Rosmerta replied.
The doors slammed back, there was a roll of thunder. Ron stopped singing in mid "IIIIIEEE".
Draco stood silhouetted in the door way, and there was a mighty crash of thunder. He looked so sexy, so wonderful, just to look upon him would cause a heart attack.
"Everyone put on your sunglasses!" Rosmerta called.
Immediately everybody put on glasses protecting themselves from Draco's super sexy power. Those who didn't have sunglasses hid under tables. Ron who was totally smashed just waved his arm carelessly as if he was playing a guitar and fell over.
"I have just entered this pub in a highly dramatic fashion!" Draco declared to the universe in general. His eyes fell on Ron who was still pretending to play the guitar on the floor. "You, weasley, stand up! We need to talk!" He growled.
"Nierr Nierrr nerrrr nerrrrr!!!!" Yelled Ron, attempting to make Guitar noises.
"Weasley, up now, or I'll curse you until you can barely breathe," Draco said. Reluctantly Ron got up, still making "nierr" noises under his breath. He approached Draco in drunken giggles.
"Are …yah…gonnaaa kill me?" Ron giggled hysterically, still on a sugar high.
"No, I need to talk to you about a certain Griffindor we both know," Draco muttered solemly.
"Are ya gonna kill harry? Cos then he would be dead and if he was dead he wouldn't be alive and then he wouldn't breathe and that would be bad!" Ron managed to say all in one go.
"Well the thing is," Said Draco, interrupting.
"Heyy buddy you should have some drink of stuff with me!" Said Ron tipsily. "This stuff ith reeeall good!"
"You have to help me get Potter!" Draco cried, but Ron shoved a glass full of coke under his face. "Black and fizzy...I've never seen Ale or Mead like that before," Muttered Draco, sniffling through the tears in his eyes.
"C'monn...hava drinkk!" Said Ron, looking slightly dizzy.
"It's very popular amongst the muggles," Rosmerta said, thumping the glass in front of him. Draco glanced around suspiciously and took a tentive sip.
"No one drink this! IT TASTES LIKE PISS!" Draco cried. "…I LOVE IT!"
"Yeaaa that's tha spirit!" Cried Ron in his british accent, absent-mindedly running back to the stage to finish his Air Guitar solo.
Draco was ordering more and more Coca Cola by the minute. There were some people around his table chanting "CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!"
Lavender Brown and the other girls eyed him suspiciously.
"Wow, who knew that a muggle caffine based drink could be so popular," Said Rosmerta, cleaning a large tankard with a cloth.
"Does he realise he's drank enough Coke to induce a diabetic coma?" Parvati asked her ravenclaw friend.
"It's black and fizzy," Said Lavender. "You'd have to be nuts to drink that."
"I've heard that in America they have tanks full of Coke in police head quarters so that they can clean blood off of streets with it?" Said a third year Hufflepuff.
And all the girls giggled except Hermione the muggle born who informed them that this was actually true.
"EEEEWW!" Screamed Lavender, although nobody heard.
"Oh well let them drink it, they're not paying attention to us," Said Parvati with her nose in the air.
"It also makes a very strong toilet cleaner," Said Hermione truthfully.
"Shut up!" Cried Lavender.
"You do realize that's your boyfriend dancing on the stage?" Hannah asked Hermione.
"Oh yes, nice to know he has to turn gay before he even considers dancing in public," Hermione snarled sarcastically.
"Oh my god! Draco's jumped up on the stage with him!" Ginny squealed.
"Ginny, you're not supposed to be in here, you're under age," Lavender pointed out.
"Yeah get out Ginny," The other girls yelled. Sniffing with sadness Ginny walked out of the pub sadly.
They all watched in horror as the 'play the funky music white boy' song started blaring out of nowhere. All the girls stared at Rosmerta.
"We installed a juke box a few weeks ago for the tourists," Rosmerta explained. "To give it a 'muggle' feel."
"I thought this place was charmed to play random music," Said Hermione angrily. "Why does every fanfic have to have a damn loophole!?"
"Because the authors like this song, shut up!" Parvati replied.
Draco and Ron marched onto a makeshift stage (made out of two tables propped up against the far wall) and started shakin' their butts in time with the music.
"Hey, I was once a funky singer, playin in a rock and roll band!" Ron squeeled, shaking his hips.
"I never had no problems, burning in the one night stand!" Draco cried, ripping his shirt off.
Cornelius Fudge jumped onto the bar and sang at the top of his lungs.
"Yeah they were dancing and singing and movin' to the grovin' and when it hit me somebody turned around and," Suddenly realised what he was doing and looked very embarassed.
"Play that funky music white boy!" The girls sang at the top of their lungs, marching towards the two boys.
"Play that funky music right!" The two boys sang wiggling their butts, and the girls very nearly fainted from shock.
"Play that funky music white boys!" The girls hollared, and it looked like it was a competition to prove who was a better singer. You know like in Goldmember with Britney Spears…
"Lay down and boogie and play that funky music til you die!" They both screamed at each other. Suddenly, everyone in the bar began to dance perfectly in time with the music. The girls school shirts and skirts suddenly represented the outfit Britney Spears wore in "Hit me baby one more time".
"Amazing! Does this always happen?" A tourist asked Rosmerta.
"Only when someone's cast a stupid spell," She replied darkly.
They had now propped the unconscious Hagrid up and were dancing around him like a may pole.
"I tried to understand this, I thought they were out of their minds, how could I have been so foolish not to see I was the one behind?" Lavender sang, jumping onto the bar.
Hermione stood up looking very sad and noble. "So still I kept on fighting, well losing, never stepped out of the way, I said I must go back there and check if things were still the saaame!" She sang sassily, looking at Ron as if she was about to cry.
"And they were dancing!" Hagrid cried, waking up with a huge grin.
"And they were singing!" Draco sang.
"And they were movin to the groovin," Sang the girls.
"And just then…IT HIT ME!" Sang Ron loudly.
"Somebody shouted out - Play the funky muuuusic white boy!" Everyone sang. "Play that funky music right!"
Snape walked in.
"Play that funky music white boy, lay down and boogie and play that funky music till you die!" Snape sang dramatically, he happened to be passing at the time and had a bizzare urge to walk into a bar and sing for no reason. Everyone looked at him, there was absoloute silence, then the music started again and Snape (dressed in bondage gear) joined in. Soon it was like a broadway musical, everybody was singing and dancing, and they picked up a screamingly loud Draco and Ron as they sang dramatically.
"At first it wasn't easy, changing rock and roll of mine," Draco sang and it was clear he was referring to Harry. "If things were getting shaky, I thought I'd have to leave it behind, but now it's so much better, I'm funkin' out in every way but I'll never loose that feeling of how I learnt that lesson that daaaaay!" Draco sang.
They all sang the chorus again, the boys versus the girls.
By now several shoppers had stopped in and were also getting their groove on. Snape was now disco dancing with Hagrid. They all sang the chorus over and over again and It ended with the girls performing a cheerleading pyramid, and Draco jumping into Ron's welcoming arms.
"Play that funky muuusiiiic white booyyy!" Yelled Ron and Draco.
Suddenly there was a screech . Rosmerta had pulled the plug.
"Oh, my!" Lavender said, realising that everyone could see her underpants
Snape looked up from where he had been attempting to leap frog Hagrid.
"Fifty points from Griffindor for being a bunch of dirty whores!" He shrieked as he ran out of the bar.
"What just happened?" Hermione asked, completely scandalized.
Meanwhile Draco and Ron, completely high on sugar were spouting bursts of drunken laughter.
"Hehehe, ya know i luuurve yooo" Said Ron laughing his head off.
"Yeahhh play that funkay musiicc," Said Draco tipsily.