CHAPTER THREE - THE MORNING AFTER…
A/N I really do have mixed feelings about this chapter , I think we ( Vivianne and I)
were venting a lot of our problems with slash when we wrote this one.
It's very sarcastic , and it's not nearly as silly as the last one.
Oh well , remember to thank your Mary Sue Malfoy flight attendant before bording the air craft.
Harry was tired, infact he was exhausted. All night he had been hearing drunken laughter and moaning noises coming from Ron's bed. When he thought about it, he couldn't help grin. Ron had obviously patched things up with Hermione and they must have taken their relationship to a new level. Harry debated on whether he should go take a peek at the sleeping and probably un-clothed Hermione…but then again, she didn't shave her legs that often. But what the hell, he thought. He sat up slowly and quietly as to not wake her or ron, and put on his glasses. Just when he was going to get out of bed to go take a peek, he heard a voice coming down from the common rooms, calling him.
"Coming," Said Harry reluctantly. He walked down stairs and saw Hermione down there in her long dressing gown.
"Harry, have you seen Crookshanks up there?" She asked.
"No I…Hermione?" Harry said quietly.
"What?"
"If you're …here…then who's…" Said Harry slowly. "Oh…uh oh…"
"What is it?"
"Hermione, come with me," Said Harry urgently, and they ran up the stairs into the boys common room.
***
Ron awoke slowly, being extremely grateful that it was Saturday. His head was killing him, but not as much as his butt-hole was. Eeew. He opened his eyes and everything came into focus. He smiled and stuck his face into the pillow again, thinking of getting a little more sleep. There was a bit of a breeze actually, blowing across his face. But it was too warm, that day was really cold… He opened his eyes and to his horror saw Draco's face opposite his, fast asleep.
"Eeew, he breathed on me!" Whispered Ron, looking disgusted. He sat up straight. He looked down, and holy crap, he wasn't wearing any clothes!
"Aaaagh!" He squeeked in a high pitched voice, attempting to cover himself up with some bed sheets that he tied around his waist. What the hell was he doing in a bed not wearing anything, with Draco next to him? Draco woke up slowly. He yawned slowly as Ron had done and opened his eyes.
"What?" He said, looking surprised. "What're YOU doing here?"
"What're YOU doing here?" Repeated Ron, pointing to Draco as if he was a criminal.
Draco looked down, he wasn't wearing anything either.
"Oh my Godfather!" Draco cried, looking at from himself to Ron. "We didn't…Oh my God we didn't.."
"AAAAAAGH!!" Screamed Ron as though he had seen a spider. "AAAGH AAAAGH AAAAAGHH!!"
"I slept with a Weasley…my reputation is ruined!" Cried Draco angstily, throwing his arms into the sky like a supervillain screaming 'nooo'.
And that's when Harry opened the hangings around the bed.
"Oh my," Said Hermione looking ashamed.
"…Ron?" Said Harry in disbelief.
"AAAAGH!" Screamed Ron, jumping up in surprise. His bedsheet fell down. "AAGHHH!" He screamed again and grabbed a pillowcase in order to cover himself up.
"Ron, how could you?" Said Hermione sadly.
"I …I didn't mean to, I'd never," Panicked Ron. "You know I'd rather go out with a troll then be with a Slytherin,"
"Ron you SELFISH ASS WHOLE , HOW COULD YOU CHOOSE THAT CAPTAIN PEROXIDE OVER ME?" Hermione screamed and she began to smash harry's fire bolt into Rons bare stomach.
" Hermione you have to understand I'm going through a gay phase , Iadmit the timings bad" Ron said.
"OH I understand Ron , I'm a very understanding person.. you are going through a gay phase and I am going through a destructive phase!" she screamed and before Ron could stop her she set fire to his bed with her wand.
"Hermione, er…malfoy was really …bad!" Said Ron trying to put out the flames.
"Excuse me Weasley, being with you was no walk in the park either!" Said Draco looking scandalised.
"What?" Cried Ron. "You were horrible!"
"Well if I was horrible then why were you were moaning and screaming for more?" Smirked Draco.
"Ron," said Harry, still in shock. "I thought you said you were attracted to Malfoy,"
"You know what Ron , be a dear and sod off" Hermione swore and she stormed out dramatically the fire exploding around her while system od the downs chop suey placed really anstyly.
"Hermione, wait!" Cried Harry and Ron at the same time. Harry ran out of the room, leaving Ron and Draco alone.
"Thanks a lot, Draco!" Said Ron sarcastically, going over to the cabinet and getting a pair of boxer shorts out of the now flaming draugh.
Suddenly Harry came back in and looked at Draco.
"Not that I care or anything but you said you loved me Draco!" He cried. "And then I find you shagging my BEST FRIEND!" With that, he ran out again, crying.
****
Fred and George were sitting down at one of the tables in the Griffindor common room filling out some order forms, or they could be reading playwizard magazines, take your pick.
If this were a very good slash parody then we would be parodising a twincest pairing, in other words Fred and George violently making out, but in our opinions that's downright disgusting. But then again you're the reader, if you want to picture fred and george going at it, be our guest.
"Are those two making out, or are they filling order forms?" Parvati asked.
"It depends on how perverted you are," Said Alicia.
"Ahhem," Lavender said, approaching the Weasley twins.
"Do we know you?" Fred asked rudely.
"She's one of the face-less female characters that runs around Hogwarts like a horny slut," Said George knowlegably.
"I resent that!" Said Lavender shrilly.
"Uh huh," Said Fred distractedly.
"Look we need your help," Said Lavender quickly.
Fred turned around, looking annoyed. "Who's 'we'?"
"Oh, nearly all the girls in Hogwarts," Lavender said breezingly.
The two twins soon realized they were surrounded by over seven hundred girls.
"Eep," Went George, meanwhile Fred was thinking up some very delicious fantasies which are far too rude to get into.
"What do you want?" Asked George at last.
"Okay, I don't know if you've noticed but all the guys are turning gay." Said Angelina Johnson.
"Oh, we know that," Said Fred. "Lee Jordan kept trying to talk us into a threesome."
"Lee Jordan?" Lavender managed to squeek, the twins presence was unnerving her.
"Yes, lucky for you we refused though," Fred said, eyeing Lavender up and down.
"Will you stop oogling my goodies you sicko?" Lavender snapped.
"You can oogle mine," Parvati giggled.
"What do you want us to do about it?" Asked George, ignoring Parvati.
"Well everyone knows that the Weasley twins can do everything," Lavender said a-matter-of-factly, attempting to keep the horny Fred away from her wand.
"True," Agreed George as he absently poured a bucket of water on Fred's head.
"I am so not horny!" A sopping wet Fred accused one of the authors. "Appologise!"
"Make me!" Muttered the older Author, suddenly looking like a demi-godess.
"Fred, leave her alone," Said George, turning his attention back to the girls. "Yes, it's true we can do everything," He added.
"Yep, anything," Said Fred, winking at Angelina who giggled.
"Sooo, are you two gay?" Ginny asked anxiously. "I mean I think mum can deal with one gay son, but not three."
"In a lot of fanfics we are but I can assure you that we're straight," Said Fred proudly.
"Well it's obvious that Fred's not," said Lavender snidely.
"We're not gay just because we have crappy dress sense," Fred said looking slightly annoyed.
"At least I don't leave my dirty underpants all over the floor!" Accused George.
"At least I don't have pink ones!" Smirked Fred.
"Yes you do, you just stuck them in my drawer and wrote my name on them!" Smirked George.
"Shut up!" Cried Fred.
"Oh god, they're gay," Lavender said titedly.
"We are not!" They both cried.
"We just happen to be twins!" Said George defensively.
"We always share each other's stuff," Said Fred.
"Yes Lavender, everybody knows that," Said Parvati, turning to her twin Padma who nodded too.
"Excuse me," Said Ginny with annoyance. "I really think we should get back to the subject in question!"
"Ginny, remind us why you are here," Pansy said bitchingly.
"I'm the cute little red-headed girl with a crush on the main character, and don't you forget it!" Screeched Ginny, poking Pansy threateningly with every word.
"Yes miss," Said Pansy quietly.
"Girls, stop fighting! We need to convince the twins to help us," Lavender said tiredly, trying to make peace.
"Is she like your leader?" Fred asked.
"Well ever since Hermione went manic depressive, pretty much yes," Parvati replied, wincing a little.
"Cos you know if we work with leaders, we feel the sudden urge to spank them," Said Fred wickedly.
"I would curb that impulse if I was you," Lavender replied in a very smart tone of voice.
"She's the replacement Hermione," Whispered Pansy.
"And I wouldn't really spank you by the way," Said Fred with a laugh. "I was just trying to put small thrill into your day."
"Oh that's so thoughtful!" Swooned Angelina.
"Listen," Said Lavender angrilly. "All the boys are turning gay and we're relying on you two to do something to make it all better."
"And why should we help you?" Said George. "We're working on our order forms."
"We'll make it worth your while," Said Cho Chang and her friend Casey.
"Let's do this thang!" Cried Fred, throwing his forms out the window. Unfortunately, Fred got a little bit too excited and he fell out the window as well.
"Erm, I think he's broken his leg," Said George.
"Oh well," Said Lavender, obviously annoyed at Fred.
"What are we going to DO!?" Asked a hufflepuff girl desperately.
"Well you could help Fred to the hospital wing, then rely on me for help," Said George, the more sensible twin. He sketched something on a parchment and handed it to Parvati. "Though we are still a team and I'll need to run him through the plan," He added.
Parvati eyed the paper.
"Don't worry, he'll agree…his pretty retarded," George reassured her.
Parvati giggled.
"Okay," Said George. "What I'm proposing is a love potion."
There was silence.
"WHAT!?" Yelled a Slytherin girl.
"We summon the infamous Weasley twins and we get a stupid LOVE potion?" Cried Padma Patil.
"Hey, why does everybody always expect us to come up with wild zany ideas?" Said George looking scandalised.
They all eyed him with annoyance.
"Okay fine, when George gets better, you can rely on us to think of a wild zany plan of hillarious proportions." Said George, waving his hand carelessly. "And we'll make it really worth your while if a few of you do our exams for us,"
"You mean when Fred gets better," Said Lavender. "You said George."
"Look, it's very easy to get your names mixed up when it just so happens that there's someone walking around who looks exactly like you!" Said George…or was it Fred?
"Okay, calm down you psycho," Said Lavender.
"Besides we don't want a potion, if we use a potion on the boys it will contradict with the spell they're currently under and they'll probably explode," Pointed out Hannah.
"Help MEEEEEEE" Cried Fred all the way down from the quidditch pitch.
"Look you guys, leave me alone for a while. I'll go help Fred since no one else will." Said George. "We'll work out something for you girls tomorrow."
****
After going on a magical quest in order to find his pants, which involved going through a magical wardrobe into a bizarre alternative universe filled with talking lions and centaurs with umbrellas, Draco emerged from the Griffindor's dormitory fully clothed, and slightly embarassed. He needed to find Harry and fast, to disguss their relationship. Draco admitted that this was very bad, sleeping with your true love's best friend was a big no no. He was just happy that Weasley had the sense to use a condom, after all he didn't want to die from any filthy muggle diseases just yet.
But did Harry feel the same way? Did Harry use condoms? Hmm, tricky question Malfoy admitted. He couldn't help wonder… of course Malfoy would never admit it, but technically speaking, Weasley was his first time with another person and not MR HAND. Even though Harry said he had 'been with a girl' Draco was positive that he had never. Harry's idea of being with a girl involved kissing, and sure he had kissed Hermione a few times, and there was that incident with Ginny and the closet... but besides that Draco was positive he had never been with a girl.
Suddenly he saw Harry rounding a corner… Draco tried unsuccessfully to disguise himself as a lamp.
Harry was coming closer…
One thing was for certain, he was definately going to find out today…
****
Harry walked into the common room, and he saw a lamp that looked suspiciously like Malfoy. He ignored it because he hated Malfoy, and the thought of Malfoy made him want to burst into tears. Instead he stormed out of his common room in a very angsty manner with the overwhelming urge to kill himself… because this would not be a real slashy story without at least one suicide attempt.
Harry was so sad he wanted to die. Draco had sex with RON for goodness sake. Or at least he assumed they had.
"Potter!" Ordered Draco storming away from the lamp. "Get back here!" He cried, marching after the suicidal Harry.
"I can't hear you LA LA LA LA LA!" Harry sang, blocking his ears. He wasn't sure why he was depressed exactly, who Draco decided to sleep with was none of his business. We, the wonderful authors think Harry has a case of the "C.R.A.B.S", (Crappy-Readers-Anticipating-Badly written-Suicide) where he wants to kill himself just for the sake of Slash. Poor Harry.
"Harry listen to me!" Draco cried.
"LA LA LA LA!" Harry cried as he reached the main doors, he hopped onto his broomstick and proceeded to fly up to the top of the Griffindor tower, for everyone knows that a dramatic suicide must go in two ways, a knife or in more drastic measures, jumping off a high building. This little production could not afford a fancy jewel covered dagger, however towers are everywhere and are free.
"Why are you mad at me?" Cried Draco.
"I don't know, this is supposed to be angst!" Cried Harry, stopping still. "It's in every single slash fic, you ass hole!"
Draco looked up from where Harry was still flying on his broomstick.
"Well yes I understand that, but normally I'm supposed to be trying to kill myself, not you!" Draco cried.
Harry began to sing loudly again and proceeded to fly up to the top of the tower. Draco was forced to magically appear out of nowhere like they always do.
Harry reached the roof of the tower. The grey sky was getting darker and darker and sad piano music started to play in the background.
"Where's that music coming from?" Asked Harry, but Draco had not caught up to him yet. Harry looked down. "Hey, is that Fred Weasley on the pitch with a broken leg?"
Harry felt even more depressed because no one was there to answer his questions.
"Right, this is it, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna kill myself!" He said, trying to muster his courage.
"Harry wait! I LOVE YOU!" Draco cried, finally catching up to him.
"Really?" Harry asked.
"Well no…not really…I just think you look sexy in a pair of speedos," Draco replied.
"You're ruining the drama, asshole!" Harry cried.
"Oh, sorry." Draco muttered, composing himself. "Oh Harry, don't kill yourself, you have so much to live for, like puppies ….and er…kittens."
"I hate puppies and Kittens give me hay-fever." Said Harry.
"What kind of sadistic person are you!?" Draco asked, shocked.
"Listen to me Draco," Said Harry, pointing to Draco with a trembling finger. "Get over yourself. I'm not gay."
"But...you have to be!" Said Draco desperately, taking his hands. "I've never ever felt this way about someone before!"
"Oh yes?" Harry asked. Harry felt the urge to throw Draco off the tower but he began to speak again.
"Harry," Said Draco.
"You claim that you're in love with me, but I find you in bed with my best friend," He said angrilly. "You have no idea what love is, you just confuse it with sex, because you're nothing more than a horny repressed little pervert!" Harry screamed Dramatically.
"Well I guess it's half true," Admitted Draco with a grin. "But Harry, I do love you."
"Shut up." Said Harry angrilly. "Just shut up! You tourment me for four whole books, then come up to me one day with a bunch of flowers and pin me to the wall and announce that you're gay."
"Ooo," Said all the slash-loving fan girls who were um invisible.
"And then you dress yourself like a girl so that I'll like you," Harry continued. "Then I find you in bed with my best friend…I bet if I throw myself off this tower all you'd care about is the fact that you'll have one less butt-monkey on your shag list!" Said Harry.
"But," Said Draco but Harry was on a roll.
"If you love someone, you can't treat them like this! You can't act as if they're part of your sick puppet theatre!" Harry cried.
"What are you saying?" Draco asked hesitantly.
"I'm saying that you don't love me, you can't just wake up one day and say oooooh I love you, it doesn't work like that!" Harry cried.
"But that's the way slash works!" Cried Draco.
"Well that's not how i want love to be!" Sobbed Harry.
"Harry," Said Draco slowly. "Do you mean..."
"I'm saying...I'm saying..." Stuttered Harry.
"What, what are you saying?" Asked Draco desperately, touching his sweet minx's face.
"I don't know what i'm saying!" Cried Harry. "Get off me!"
And without warning, he jumped off the tower!
"HARRYYYYY!!!!!!!" Draco screamed.
"NOOOOOO!" Screamed the fan girls.
There was a faint "ohhh" noise. Then the sound of a hundred teenage girls screaming. Harry screamed all the way down.
"Damn, there's another butt monkey off my shag list," Said Draco by accident.
And Harry died.
…Just kidding.
"Oh my God, HARRY LANDED ON FRED!" Screamed a girl.
"Is he dead?" Lavender Brown's distinctive nasal voice shrieked.
"Harry!" Draco cried, leaning over the tower's railings.
"No, he's not dead, Fred's broken his other leg though," George's voice cried impatiently.
"Oh my God it's DRACO on the tower!" Pansy screamed.
All the girls looked up and Draco waved sheepishly.
"Er…hi!" He shouted with a strangled voice.
"What were you doing there?" Lavender demanded impatiently.
"Well Brown, you fat cow, Harry happened to be trying to kill himself," Said Draco.
"You threw him off the tower!" Cried Hermione who just happened to be there. "You Jerk!"
"Poor thing is going to be so dissapointed when he realises he's still alive," Pansy said sadly, referring to Draco. She believed Draco because all Slytherins try to kill themselves at some point.
Ron ran over to Harry's body.
"Harry! Harry!" Ron Cried. "Are you okay buddy?
"Ron, you're naked!" Screamed Parvati. Because Ron hadn't bothered to get dressed after the whole ass raping incident.
"No I'm not!" Cried Ron. And then he looked down. "AAAAAAGH!"
Ron stole Hermione's cloak and wrapped it around his waist.
"Ron, it's COLD!" Cried Hermione in her blouse and skirt.
"Yeah well i'm naked aren't I?" Yelled Ron so loud that her hair blew back.
"My mistake," She said quietly.
Ron got down on his knees, and gently put Harry's unconscious head on his lap as the rain began to pour. Pretty soon everybody was getting wet but nobody dared to complain. The sad music got sadder as Ron leant down and whispered;
"It's going to be okay buddy...It's going to be okay."
"Oh Ron, please kiss him!" Sobbed a Ravenclaw girl who was caught up in the moment.
Ron gave the Ravenclaw girl a bemused look, and then looked serious again.
"If the events of tonight have taught me anything," Said Ron clearly. "It's that we shouldn't play around with people's emotions."
"No, the lesson is that jumping off buildings is bad," Said Hermione.
"HEYY!" Screamed Fred who was still under Harry. "I NEED MEDICAL HELP!"
Harry stirred and blinked his beautifully green eyes.
"Damn, I'm alive!" he swore.
"Yes, you're alive!!" Ron cried happily.
"No seriously, when people jump off of buildings they hope they'll wake up dead," Harry groaned, rolling over revealing the very bloody battered body of Fred.
"Everyone, I think my brain is leaking out of my ears!" Fred cried.
"Oh my Freddypoo!" Cried Angelina who ran down to hug him.
"Ron, you're naked and my head's in your lap!" Harry screamed, jumping up looking horrified.
"Actually he has a black cloak around his waist and he's completely wet which makes him very sexy at the moment," Said Hermione all of a sudden.
Everybody stared at her.
"Why can't I have an opinion!" She screamed, stamping her foot into the ground in a very pouty way.
"Because everyone knows you're completely frigid," Lavender stated.
"I am not!" Hermione screamed hysterically, rain soaking her hair. "That's it, I'm going to kill myself!" She cried.
"You can't kill yourself, the girl in the slash fic never kills herself," Said Harry tiredly.
"Honestly, who writes slash anyway!" Pouted Hermione, sitting down on the wet grass, trying to look distracted by something on the floor.
Ron turned back to Harry.
Hermione eyed them both.
"Although the two of you together…hmm…" She said, getting a horny look on her face.
"I'm not glad, I want to be dead dammit!" Cried Harry. "Oh the pain!"
"Well I'm just glad you're okay buddy," Said Ron with a grin. "I was really scared there for a minute."
"Just promise me you'll never try to hit on me," Said Harry.
"I promise," Said Ron, looking incredibly sexy with all that wet red hair.
"Goddamit!" Cried the slash-loving ravenclaw girl.
"Besides Harry, I'm not attracted to you, gentlemen prefer blondes." Said Ron.
"What, you're not attracted to me? AM I UGLY!?" Harry cried hysterically.
"No, it's just.. I think I'm attracted to Lavender."
And everybody gasped.
"WHAT!?" Screamed Lavender and Hermione at the same time.
"You mean you're not queer?" Shouted Harry ecstatically.
"Hey I'm still keeping my options open," Said Ron defensively. "Draco is still kinda cute for a slytherin."
"True," Said Harry by accident.
Ron and Harry cracked up laughing while the girls just stood there open-mouthed.
"Boys," Said a Slytherin 6th year from the back. "Who needs 'em."
Ron grinned at Lavender. "So, will you go out with me?"
"Holy mother of crap on a stick no!" Cried Lavender, who had higher standards.
"Fine then Hermione get over here," Said Ron quickly.
"No." Said Hermione.
"But I'm all wet and sexy!" He cried.
"No, you're wet and smelly." Hermione pointed out.
Ron looked down and realized he had had an accident.
"Oh come on Lavy please go out with me, I'm all horny and desperate!" He cried.
"No, I want a boyfriend who only plays with holes, not poles!" Lavender cried.
"Eeeeeeeew" Said all the girls.
"C'mon Lavy, you said I was powerful." Crooned Ron.
"Yeah well that was before you went queer." Said Lavender.
At this comment, Hermione screeched loudly and jumped onto Lavender, pulling her hair and screaming words like 'slut' and 'whore' at her face.
"I thought she already told Hermione that she was with you," Said Harry.
"Yeah but I think she might have just snapped," Said Ron. "Hermione, in all fairness, we were never going out."
This caused Hermione to scream hysterically.
"Who were never going out?" Asked Hermione angrily, still pulling at a screaming Lavender's hair. "Me or Lavender?"
"Me and you - I never asked you out, I never even kissed you - it's just all the fanfics - they assume we are together!" Ron stated, rather terrified.
"I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION!" Screamed Fred again.
"Well I happen to think you are hot, is that a CRIME?" Screamed Hermione, transferring her anger onto Lavender who was still screaming.
"You think I'm hot?" Lavender asked. "I thought this was strictly a male slash fic!" She protested.
"I think RON's hot!" Cried Hermione, looking extremely insulted. "It's not my fault you're a lesbian whore!"
"LESBIAN WHORE!?" Screamed Lavender. "THAT'S IT!"
What followed was the most intense girl fight that ever took place at hogwarts. The two girls began to do a seriously cool magic fight like the one on Weirdsister College, except minus the gay hair, no wait Draco's hair is gay. Lightning bolts were zinging from their wands. They screamed in overly dramatic ways, suddenly dressed in revealling medieval dresses with long flowing hair.
"Someone just turned me into a slug!" Cried Fred.
Lavender kept zapping spells at Hermione to try and make her boobs smaller and Hermione was trying to put Lavender's hair into a crew-cut.
"Oooo," Said Harry, remembering his Cho/Casey fantasy.
"Harry, there's no time for fantasizing," Said Ron quickly. "You need medical attention."
"WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE!!" Screamed Slug Fred.
"But what if Hermione's dress rips off!" Whined Harry, who was being dragged out of the grounds by Ron.
"You like Hermione?" Ron cried.
"Well actually I'm attracted to Draco but if I wanted a girl at the moment I'd like Hermione," Said Harry rather quickly, and then realised what he just said.
"YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!" Draco cried prancing around. Unfortunately he tripped over slug Fred and crashed onto the floor.
"So you're gay," Said Ron.
"I hope not," Said a very panicky Harry. "It's probably - a phase!"
"OOhhh!" Cried Draco, banging his fists into the ground like dudley in a tantrum.
"How did you get down here anyway?" Asked some of the Griffindor girls.
"I....er..."
"Get back up there you stupid murderer!" Cried a Ravenclaw chick.
Panting to himself, Draco ran off to sulk under a willow tree while it snowed. Ignoring the fact that it was the middle of summer, because it always snows when Draco is in an angsty mood.
Meanwhile Harry was being dragged up the cold stone steps of the castle. It was a shame he was missing the magic cat-fight. It would've been sweet to see one of their dresses rip off. But he was tired. After all, he had just fallen off a building and survived. But then again he survived Voldemort trying to kill him on four seperate occasions, so a little fall off a building wouldn't be too tough on the boy who lived.
A/N I really do have mixed feelings about this chapter , I think we ( Vivianne and I)
were venting a lot of our problems with slash when we wrote this one.
It's very sarcastic , and it's not nearly as silly as the last one.
Oh well , remember to thank your Mary Sue Malfoy flight attendant before bording the air craft.
Harry was tired, infact he was exhausted. All night he had been hearing drunken laughter and moaning noises coming from Ron's bed. When he thought about it, he couldn't help grin. Ron had obviously patched things up with Hermione and they must have taken their relationship to a new level. Harry debated on whether he should go take a peek at the sleeping and probably un-clothed Hermione…but then again, she didn't shave her legs that often. But what the hell, he thought. He sat up slowly and quietly as to not wake her or ron, and put on his glasses. Just when he was going to get out of bed to go take a peek, he heard a voice coming down from the common rooms, calling him.
"Coming," Said Harry reluctantly. He walked down stairs and saw Hermione down there in her long dressing gown.
"Harry, have you seen Crookshanks up there?" She asked.
"No I…Hermione?" Harry said quietly.
"What?"
"If you're …here…then who's…" Said Harry slowly. "Oh…uh oh…"
"What is it?"
"Hermione, come with me," Said Harry urgently, and they ran up the stairs into the boys common room.
***
Ron awoke slowly, being extremely grateful that it was Saturday. His head was killing him, but not as much as his butt-hole was. Eeew. He opened his eyes and everything came into focus. He smiled and stuck his face into the pillow again, thinking of getting a little more sleep. There was a bit of a breeze actually, blowing across his face. But it was too warm, that day was really cold… He opened his eyes and to his horror saw Draco's face opposite his, fast asleep.
"Eeew, he breathed on me!" Whispered Ron, looking disgusted. He sat up straight. He looked down, and holy crap, he wasn't wearing any clothes!
"Aaaagh!" He squeeked in a high pitched voice, attempting to cover himself up with some bed sheets that he tied around his waist. What the hell was he doing in a bed not wearing anything, with Draco next to him? Draco woke up slowly. He yawned slowly as Ron had done and opened his eyes.
"What?" He said, looking surprised. "What're YOU doing here?"
"What're YOU doing here?" Repeated Ron, pointing to Draco as if he was a criminal.
Draco looked down, he wasn't wearing anything either.
"Oh my Godfather!" Draco cried, looking at from himself to Ron. "We didn't…Oh my God we didn't.."
"AAAAAAGH!!" Screamed Ron as though he had seen a spider. "AAAGH AAAAGH AAAAAGHH!!"
"I slept with a Weasley…my reputation is ruined!" Cried Draco angstily, throwing his arms into the sky like a supervillain screaming 'nooo'.
And that's when Harry opened the hangings around the bed.
"Oh my," Said Hermione looking ashamed.
"…Ron?" Said Harry in disbelief.
"AAAAGH!" Screamed Ron, jumping up in surprise. His bedsheet fell down. "AAGHHH!" He screamed again and grabbed a pillowcase in order to cover himself up.
"Ron, how could you?" Said Hermione sadly.
"I …I didn't mean to, I'd never," Panicked Ron. "You know I'd rather go out with a troll then be with a Slytherin,"
"Ron you SELFISH ASS WHOLE , HOW COULD YOU CHOOSE THAT CAPTAIN PEROXIDE OVER ME?" Hermione screamed and she began to smash harry's fire bolt into Rons bare stomach.
" Hermione you have to understand I'm going through a gay phase , Iadmit the timings bad" Ron said.
"OH I understand Ron , I'm a very understanding person.. you are going through a gay phase and I am going through a destructive phase!" she screamed and before Ron could stop her she set fire to his bed with her wand.
"Hermione, er…malfoy was really …bad!" Said Ron trying to put out the flames.
"Excuse me Weasley, being with you was no walk in the park either!" Said Draco looking scandalised.
"What?" Cried Ron. "You were horrible!"
"Well if I was horrible then why were you were moaning and screaming for more?" Smirked Draco.
"Ron," said Harry, still in shock. "I thought you said you were attracted to Malfoy,"
"You know what Ron , be a dear and sod off" Hermione swore and she stormed out dramatically the fire exploding around her while system od the downs chop suey placed really anstyly.
"Hermione, wait!" Cried Harry and Ron at the same time. Harry ran out of the room, leaving Ron and Draco alone.
"Thanks a lot, Draco!" Said Ron sarcastically, going over to the cabinet and getting a pair of boxer shorts out of the now flaming draugh.
Suddenly Harry came back in and looked at Draco.
"Not that I care or anything but you said you loved me Draco!" He cried. "And then I find you shagging my BEST FRIEND!" With that, he ran out again, crying.
****
Fred and George were sitting down at one of the tables in the Griffindor common room filling out some order forms, or they could be reading playwizard magazines, take your pick.
If this were a very good slash parody then we would be parodising a twincest pairing, in other words Fred and George violently making out, but in our opinions that's downright disgusting. But then again you're the reader, if you want to picture fred and george going at it, be our guest.
"Are those two making out, or are they filling order forms?" Parvati asked.
"It depends on how perverted you are," Said Alicia.
"Ahhem," Lavender said, approaching the Weasley twins.
"Do we know you?" Fred asked rudely.
"She's one of the face-less female characters that runs around Hogwarts like a horny slut," Said George knowlegably.
"I resent that!" Said Lavender shrilly.
"Uh huh," Said Fred distractedly.
"Look we need your help," Said Lavender quickly.
Fred turned around, looking annoyed. "Who's 'we'?"
"Oh, nearly all the girls in Hogwarts," Lavender said breezingly.
The two twins soon realized they were surrounded by over seven hundred girls.
"Eep," Went George, meanwhile Fred was thinking up some very delicious fantasies which are far too rude to get into.
"What do you want?" Asked George at last.
"Okay, I don't know if you've noticed but all the guys are turning gay." Said Angelina Johnson.
"Oh, we know that," Said Fred. "Lee Jordan kept trying to talk us into a threesome."
"Lee Jordan?" Lavender managed to squeek, the twins presence was unnerving her.
"Yes, lucky for you we refused though," Fred said, eyeing Lavender up and down.
"Will you stop oogling my goodies you sicko?" Lavender snapped.
"You can oogle mine," Parvati giggled.
"What do you want us to do about it?" Asked George, ignoring Parvati.
"Well everyone knows that the Weasley twins can do everything," Lavender said a-matter-of-factly, attempting to keep the horny Fred away from her wand.
"True," Agreed George as he absently poured a bucket of water on Fred's head.
"I am so not horny!" A sopping wet Fred accused one of the authors. "Appologise!"
"Make me!" Muttered the older Author, suddenly looking like a demi-godess.
"Fred, leave her alone," Said George, turning his attention back to the girls. "Yes, it's true we can do everything," He added.
"Yep, anything," Said Fred, winking at Angelina who giggled.
"Sooo, are you two gay?" Ginny asked anxiously. "I mean I think mum can deal with one gay son, but not three."
"In a lot of fanfics we are but I can assure you that we're straight," Said Fred proudly.
"Well it's obvious that Fred's not," said Lavender snidely.
"We're not gay just because we have crappy dress sense," Fred said looking slightly annoyed.
"At least I don't leave my dirty underpants all over the floor!" Accused George.
"At least I don't have pink ones!" Smirked Fred.
"Yes you do, you just stuck them in my drawer and wrote my name on them!" Smirked George.
"Shut up!" Cried Fred.
"Oh god, they're gay," Lavender said titedly.
"We are not!" They both cried.
"We just happen to be twins!" Said George defensively.
"We always share each other's stuff," Said Fred.
"Yes Lavender, everybody knows that," Said Parvati, turning to her twin Padma who nodded too.
"Excuse me," Said Ginny with annoyance. "I really think we should get back to the subject in question!"
"Ginny, remind us why you are here," Pansy said bitchingly.
"I'm the cute little red-headed girl with a crush on the main character, and don't you forget it!" Screeched Ginny, poking Pansy threateningly with every word.
"Yes miss," Said Pansy quietly.
"Girls, stop fighting! We need to convince the twins to help us," Lavender said tiredly, trying to make peace.
"Is she like your leader?" Fred asked.
"Well ever since Hermione went manic depressive, pretty much yes," Parvati replied, wincing a little.
"Cos you know if we work with leaders, we feel the sudden urge to spank them," Said Fred wickedly.
"I would curb that impulse if I was you," Lavender replied in a very smart tone of voice.
"She's the replacement Hermione," Whispered Pansy.
"And I wouldn't really spank you by the way," Said Fred with a laugh. "I was just trying to put small thrill into your day."
"Oh that's so thoughtful!" Swooned Angelina.
"Listen," Said Lavender angrilly. "All the boys are turning gay and we're relying on you two to do something to make it all better."
"And why should we help you?" Said George. "We're working on our order forms."
"We'll make it worth your while," Said Cho Chang and her friend Casey.
"Let's do this thang!" Cried Fred, throwing his forms out the window. Unfortunately, Fred got a little bit too excited and he fell out the window as well.
"Erm, I think he's broken his leg," Said George.
"Oh well," Said Lavender, obviously annoyed at Fred.
"What are we going to DO!?" Asked a hufflepuff girl desperately.
"Well you could help Fred to the hospital wing, then rely on me for help," Said George, the more sensible twin. He sketched something on a parchment and handed it to Parvati. "Though we are still a team and I'll need to run him through the plan," He added.
Parvati eyed the paper.
"Don't worry, he'll agree…his pretty retarded," George reassured her.
Parvati giggled.
"Okay," Said George. "What I'm proposing is a love potion."
There was silence.
"WHAT!?" Yelled a Slytherin girl.
"We summon the infamous Weasley twins and we get a stupid LOVE potion?" Cried Padma Patil.
"Hey, why does everybody always expect us to come up with wild zany ideas?" Said George looking scandalised.
They all eyed him with annoyance.
"Okay fine, when George gets better, you can rely on us to think of a wild zany plan of hillarious proportions." Said George, waving his hand carelessly. "And we'll make it really worth your while if a few of you do our exams for us,"
"You mean when Fred gets better," Said Lavender. "You said George."
"Look, it's very easy to get your names mixed up when it just so happens that there's someone walking around who looks exactly like you!" Said George…or was it Fred?
"Okay, calm down you psycho," Said Lavender.
"Besides we don't want a potion, if we use a potion on the boys it will contradict with the spell they're currently under and they'll probably explode," Pointed out Hannah.
"Help MEEEEEEE" Cried Fred all the way down from the quidditch pitch.
"Look you guys, leave me alone for a while. I'll go help Fred since no one else will." Said George. "We'll work out something for you girls tomorrow."
****
After going on a magical quest in order to find his pants, which involved going through a magical wardrobe into a bizarre alternative universe filled with talking lions and centaurs with umbrellas, Draco emerged from the Griffindor's dormitory fully clothed, and slightly embarassed. He needed to find Harry and fast, to disguss their relationship. Draco admitted that this was very bad, sleeping with your true love's best friend was a big no no. He was just happy that Weasley had the sense to use a condom, after all he didn't want to die from any filthy muggle diseases just yet.
But did Harry feel the same way? Did Harry use condoms? Hmm, tricky question Malfoy admitted. He couldn't help wonder… of course Malfoy would never admit it, but technically speaking, Weasley was his first time with another person and not MR HAND. Even though Harry said he had 'been with a girl' Draco was positive that he had never. Harry's idea of being with a girl involved kissing, and sure he had kissed Hermione a few times, and there was that incident with Ginny and the closet... but besides that Draco was positive he had never been with a girl.
Suddenly he saw Harry rounding a corner… Draco tried unsuccessfully to disguise himself as a lamp.
Harry was coming closer…
One thing was for certain, he was definately going to find out today…
****
Harry walked into the common room, and he saw a lamp that looked suspiciously like Malfoy. He ignored it because he hated Malfoy, and the thought of Malfoy made him want to burst into tears. Instead he stormed out of his common room in a very angsty manner with the overwhelming urge to kill himself… because this would not be a real slashy story without at least one suicide attempt.
Harry was so sad he wanted to die. Draco had sex with RON for goodness sake. Or at least he assumed they had.
"Potter!" Ordered Draco storming away from the lamp. "Get back here!" He cried, marching after the suicidal Harry.
"I can't hear you LA LA LA LA LA!" Harry sang, blocking his ears. He wasn't sure why he was depressed exactly, who Draco decided to sleep with was none of his business. We, the wonderful authors think Harry has a case of the "C.R.A.B.S", (Crappy-Readers-Anticipating-Badly written-Suicide) where he wants to kill himself just for the sake of Slash. Poor Harry.
"Harry listen to me!" Draco cried.
"LA LA LA LA!" Harry cried as he reached the main doors, he hopped onto his broomstick and proceeded to fly up to the top of the Griffindor tower, for everyone knows that a dramatic suicide must go in two ways, a knife or in more drastic measures, jumping off a high building. This little production could not afford a fancy jewel covered dagger, however towers are everywhere and are free.
"Why are you mad at me?" Cried Draco.
"I don't know, this is supposed to be angst!" Cried Harry, stopping still. "It's in every single slash fic, you ass hole!"
Draco looked up from where Harry was still flying on his broomstick.
"Well yes I understand that, but normally I'm supposed to be trying to kill myself, not you!" Draco cried.
Harry began to sing loudly again and proceeded to fly up to the top of the tower. Draco was forced to magically appear out of nowhere like they always do.
Harry reached the roof of the tower. The grey sky was getting darker and darker and sad piano music started to play in the background.
"Where's that music coming from?" Asked Harry, but Draco had not caught up to him yet. Harry looked down. "Hey, is that Fred Weasley on the pitch with a broken leg?"
Harry felt even more depressed because no one was there to answer his questions.
"Right, this is it, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna kill myself!" He said, trying to muster his courage.
"Harry wait! I LOVE YOU!" Draco cried, finally catching up to him.
"Really?" Harry asked.
"Well no…not really…I just think you look sexy in a pair of speedos," Draco replied.
"You're ruining the drama, asshole!" Harry cried.
"Oh, sorry." Draco muttered, composing himself. "Oh Harry, don't kill yourself, you have so much to live for, like puppies ….and er…kittens."
"I hate puppies and Kittens give me hay-fever." Said Harry.
"What kind of sadistic person are you!?" Draco asked, shocked.
"Listen to me Draco," Said Harry, pointing to Draco with a trembling finger. "Get over yourself. I'm not gay."
"But...you have to be!" Said Draco desperately, taking his hands. "I've never ever felt this way about someone before!"
"Oh yes?" Harry asked. Harry felt the urge to throw Draco off the tower but he began to speak again.
"Harry," Said Draco.
"You claim that you're in love with me, but I find you in bed with my best friend," He said angrilly. "You have no idea what love is, you just confuse it with sex, because you're nothing more than a horny repressed little pervert!" Harry screamed Dramatically.
"Well I guess it's half true," Admitted Draco with a grin. "But Harry, I do love you."
"Shut up." Said Harry angrilly. "Just shut up! You tourment me for four whole books, then come up to me one day with a bunch of flowers and pin me to the wall and announce that you're gay."
"Ooo," Said all the slash-loving fan girls who were um invisible.
"And then you dress yourself like a girl so that I'll like you," Harry continued. "Then I find you in bed with my best friend…I bet if I throw myself off this tower all you'd care about is the fact that you'll have one less butt-monkey on your shag list!" Said Harry.
"But," Said Draco but Harry was on a roll.
"If you love someone, you can't treat them like this! You can't act as if they're part of your sick puppet theatre!" Harry cried.
"What are you saying?" Draco asked hesitantly.
"I'm saying that you don't love me, you can't just wake up one day and say oooooh I love you, it doesn't work like that!" Harry cried.
"But that's the way slash works!" Cried Draco.
"Well that's not how i want love to be!" Sobbed Harry.
"Harry," Said Draco slowly. "Do you mean..."
"I'm saying...I'm saying..." Stuttered Harry.
"What, what are you saying?" Asked Draco desperately, touching his sweet minx's face.
"I don't know what i'm saying!" Cried Harry. "Get off me!"
And without warning, he jumped off the tower!
"HARRYYYYY!!!!!!!" Draco screamed.
"NOOOOOO!" Screamed the fan girls.
There was a faint "ohhh" noise. Then the sound of a hundred teenage girls screaming. Harry screamed all the way down.
"Damn, there's another butt monkey off my shag list," Said Draco by accident.
And Harry died.
…Just kidding.
"Oh my God, HARRY LANDED ON FRED!" Screamed a girl.
"Is he dead?" Lavender Brown's distinctive nasal voice shrieked.
"Harry!" Draco cried, leaning over the tower's railings.
"No, he's not dead, Fred's broken his other leg though," George's voice cried impatiently.
"Oh my God it's DRACO on the tower!" Pansy screamed.
All the girls looked up and Draco waved sheepishly.
"Er…hi!" He shouted with a strangled voice.
"What were you doing there?" Lavender demanded impatiently.
"Well Brown, you fat cow, Harry happened to be trying to kill himself," Said Draco.
"You threw him off the tower!" Cried Hermione who just happened to be there. "You Jerk!"
"Poor thing is going to be so dissapointed when he realises he's still alive," Pansy said sadly, referring to Draco. She believed Draco because all Slytherins try to kill themselves at some point.
Ron ran over to Harry's body.
"Harry! Harry!" Ron Cried. "Are you okay buddy?
"Ron, you're naked!" Screamed Parvati. Because Ron hadn't bothered to get dressed after the whole ass raping incident.
"No I'm not!" Cried Ron. And then he looked down. "AAAAAAGH!"
Ron stole Hermione's cloak and wrapped it around his waist.
"Ron, it's COLD!" Cried Hermione in her blouse and skirt.
"Yeah well i'm naked aren't I?" Yelled Ron so loud that her hair blew back.
"My mistake," She said quietly.
Ron got down on his knees, and gently put Harry's unconscious head on his lap as the rain began to pour. Pretty soon everybody was getting wet but nobody dared to complain. The sad music got sadder as Ron leant down and whispered;
"It's going to be okay buddy...It's going to be okay."
"Oh Ron, please kiss him!" Sobbed a Ravenclaw girl who was caught up in the moment.
Ron gave the Ravenclaw girl a bemused look, and then looked serious again.
"If the events of tonight have taught me anything," Said Ron clearly. "It's that we shouldn't play around with people's emotions."
"No, the lesson is that jumping off buildings is bad," Said Hermione.
"HEYY!" Screamed Fred who was still under Harry. "I NEED MEDICAL HELP!"
Harry stirred and blinked his beautifully green eyes.
"Damn, I'm alive!" he swore.
"Yes, you're alive!!" Ron cried happily.
"No seriously, when people jump off of buildings they hope they'll wake up dead," Harry groaned, rolling over revealing the very bloody battered body of Fred.
"Everyone, I think my brain is leaking out of my ears!" Fred cried.
"Oh my Freddypoo!" Cried Angelina who ran down to hug him.
"Ron, you're naked and my head's in your lap!" Harry screamed, jumping up looking horrified.
"Actually he has a black cloak around his waist and he's completely wet which makes him very sexy at the moment," Said Hermione all of a sudden.
Everybody stared at her.
"Why can't I have an opinion!" She screamed, stamping her foot into the ground in a very pouty way.
"Because everyone knows you're completely frigid," Lavender stated.
"I am not!" Hermione screamed hysterically, rain soaking her hair. "That's it, I'm going to kill myself!" She cried.
"You can't kill yourself, the girl in the slash fic never kills herself," Said Harry tiredly.
"Honestly, who writes slash anyway!" Pouted Hermione, sitting down on the wet grass, trying to look distracted by something on the floor.
Ron turned back to Harry.
Hermione eyed them both.
"Although the two of you together…hmm…" She said, getting a horny look on her face.
"I'm not glad, I want to be dead dammit!" Cried Harry. "Oh the pain!"
"Well I'm just glad you're okay buddy," Said Ron with a grin. "I was really scared there for a minute."
"Just promise me you'll never try to hit on me," Said Harry.
"I promise," Said Ron, looking incredibly sexy with all that wet red hair.
"Goddamit!" Cried the slash-loving ravenclaw girl.
"Besides Harry, I'm not attracted to you, gentlemen prefer blondes." Said Ron.
"What, you're not attracted to me? AM I UGLY!?" Harry cried hysterically.
"No, it's just.. I think I'm attracted to Lavender."
And everybody gasped.
"WHAT!?" Screamed Lavender and Hermione at the same time.
"You mean you're not queer?" Shouted Harry ecstatically.
"Hey I'm still keeping my options open," Said Ron defensively. "Draco is still kinda cute for a slytherin."
"True," Said Harry by accident.
Ron and Harry cracked up laughing while the girls just stood there open-mouthed.
"Boys," Said a Slytherin 6th year from the back. "Who needs 'em."
Ron grinned at Lavender. "So, will you go out with me?"
"Holy mother of crap on a stick no!" Cried Lavender, who had higher standards.
"Fine then Hermione get over here," Said Ron quickly.
"No." Said Hermione.
"But I'm all wet and sexy!" He cried.
"No, you're wet and smelly." Hermione pointed out.
Ron looked down and realized he had had an accident.
"Oh come on Lavy please go out with me, I'm all horny and desperate!" He cried.
"No, I want a boyfriend who only plays with holes, not poles!" Lavender cried.
"Eeeeeeeew" Said all the girls.
"C'mon Lavy, you said I was powerful." Crooned Ron.
"Yeah well that was before you went queer." Said Lavender.
At this comment, Hermione screeched loudly and jumped onto Lavender, pulling her hair and screaming words like 'slut' and 'whore' at her face.
"I thought she already told Hermione that she was with you," Said Harry.
"Yeah but I think she might have just snapped," Said Ron. "Hermione, in all fairness, we were never going out."
This caused Hermione to scream hysterically.
"Who were never going out?" Asked Hermione angrily, still pulling at a screaming Lavender's hair. "Me or Lavender?"
"Me and you - I never asked you out, I never even kissed you - it's just all the fanfics - they assume we are together!" Ron stated, rather terrified.
"I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION!" Screamed Fred again.
"Well I happen to think you are hot, is that a CRIME?" Screamed Hermione, transferring her anger onto Lavender who was still screaming.
"You think I'm hot?" Lavender asked. "I thought this was strictly a male slash fic!" She protested.
"I think RON's hot!" Cried Hermione, looking extremely insulted. "It's not my fault you're a lesbian whore!"
"LESBIAN WHORE!?" Screamed Lavender. "THAT'S IT!"
What followed was the most intense girl fight that ever took place at hogwarts. The two girls began to do a seriously cool magic fight like the one on Weirdsister College, except minus the gay hair, no wait Draco's hair is gay. Lightning bolts were zinging from their wands. They screamed in overly dramatic ways, suddenly dressed in revealling medieval dresses with long flowing hair.
"Someone just turned me into a slug!" Cried Fred.
Lavender kept zapping spells at Hermione to try and make her boobs smaller and Hermione was trying to put Lavender's hair into a crew-cut.
"Oooo," Said Harry, remembering his Cho/Casey fantasy.
"Harry, there's no time for fantasizing," Said Ron quickly. "You need medical attention."
"WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE!!" Screamed Slug Fred.
"But what if Hermione's dress rips off!" Whined Harry, who was being dragged out of the grounds by Ron.
"You like Hermione?" Ron cried.
"Well actually I'm attracted to Draco but if I wanted a girl at the moment I'd like Hermione," Said Harry rather quickly, and then realised what he just said.
"YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!" Draco cried prancing around. Unfortunately he tripped over slug Fred and crashed onto the floor.
"So you're gay," Said Ron.
"I hope not," Said a very panicky Harry. "It's probably - a phase!"
"OOhhh!" Cried Draco, banging his fists into the ground like dudley in a tantrum.
"How did you get down here anyway?" Asked some of the Griffindor girls.
"I....er..."
"Get back up there you stupid murderer!" Cried a Ravenclaw chick.
Panting to himself, Draco ran off to sulk under a willow tree while it snowed. Ignoring the fact that it was the middle of summer, because it always snows when Draco is in an angsty mood.
Meanwhile Harry was being dragged up the cold stone steps of the castle. It was a shame he was missing the magic cat-fight. It would've been sweet to see one of their dresses rip off. But he was tired. After all, he had just fallen off a building and survived. But then again he survived Voldemort trying to kill him on four seperate occasions, so a little fall off a building wouldn't be too tough on the boy who lived.
