CHAPTER 5 - THE SAD CHAPTER
A/N This is other wise known as the chapter which is way to long for its own good
so it had to be split into two different parts because damn note pad would not
let us post it in one file.
Grrrrr. Other then that this chapter features yet another lovely musical number
several in fact.
It also makes fun of several fics and if you can spot them your a sexy beast.
This is a sad chapter, filled with tears and angst and touching little speeches involving angels and other silly corny things which have been ripped off an episode of Rugrats.
It starts with Fred, George and the girls situated in the hospital wing. They were all crying over Fred's stricken form. Fred, who had gotten his brains stuck back into his head was feeling a little off and was getting irritated with the girls swarming all over him. But the girls had promised to do the twins's exams for him so he refraimed from throwing them off the tower.
"Fred and I have talked it over," Began George, taking out a chart. "And we have thought of a way to make viagra ten times stronger."
"Excuse me!?" Screeched Lavender.
"Oops, that's the other plan," Said George, tearing some paper from the chart and eating it as soon as possible.
Fred was noisely sick, after all he was suffering from brain damage.
"YOU! YOU ARE A CHEESE AND THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE!" He suddenly screamed at a filing cabinet.
"Okay, the plan," Said George as though exploding at a filing cabinet was completely normal. "Is that you girls organise another Yule ball."
"A Yule ball? It's not Christmas," Said Cho Chang.
"Yes but this does not need to make sense," Said George truthfully, showing them a bar graph. "The ball is to appeal to the female audience which consists of ninety-five percent of slash readers."
"Oh, true!" Said Susan bones.
"Besides, Draco is depressed which means it must be winter," Pointed out Hermione.
"We're going to make it so that guys have to go out with girls," Said Fred, composing himself and consulting several statistics. "Because angst is needed."
"Amidst all the dancing and socialising, we will kidnap harry," Said George.
"Why?" Asked a Hufflepuff first year.
"Don't ask questions!" Yelled Fred who was very pissed off. "Because you're an ant and ants can't talk!"
They all stared at him.
"There there Fred, Mum will be here soon," Said Ginny kindly.
"I love you Angelina," Said Fred, hugging his pillow affectionately.
"Er.anyway…our aim is to attract Voldemort because whenever something like this happens it's always his fault." Said George knowlegably. "Then we'll lure Voldemort in here and try and reverse the spell."
"Are you insane!?" Cried Hermione. "Voldemort is a POWERFUL wizard, he'll kill you!"
"What else do you propose we do?" Said George sternly.
"I"ll be good," Said Hermione quietly as she sat down.
"And for another thing, we don't even know that Voldemort's responsible….think about it, why would Voldemort make everyone gay?" Lavender asked.
***
And now for a spot staring Voldemort.
The prisoner laid before him, bound and gagged. Other than that he had a delerious expression on his face. It was Gilderoy Lockhart, and he was about to make Voldie's dreams come true!
"Erm…Voldie," Said Lucius, a curious expression on his face.
"Yes," Said Voldemort testidly.
"Why did you ask us to kidnap this mental patient?" Lucius asked. "He's an idiot!"
"Yes, but he's a sexy idiot!" Voldemort cried.
Poor Lockhart had no memory which meant he had no idea what sort of horrors were about to be placed on him.
"Now Lucius, bring me my SPEEDOS!" Cried Voldemort, and Lockhart smiled.
"Hello, are you my daddy?" He asked.
And Voldemort closed in on him.
"No offence my love - er - lord," Said Lucius uncertainly. "But what does this have to do with...the plan?"
"Nothing, I'm just horny and you're crap in bed," Said Voldemort and Lucius burst into tears.
"I love you daddy," Said Gilderoy cutely.
"Yes, you too," Smirked Voldemort, twirling one of Gilderoy's curly golden locks on his abnormally large finger.
And we're going to stop this scene before it gets really really creepy. If you want to see where this is going, then you're pretty darn sick. Look some stuff up on Google. Google is your friend.
***
"And that's why we need another yule ball." Said Lavender.
Proffesor Mcgonagall looked at her darkly.
"Do you really think i'm just going to organise a yule ball for no reason?" She shouted.
"Oh I dunno professor," Said Hermione, picking up the framed photo of Remus Lupin. "We just thought we'd make it a hetro-sexual yule ball."
"Hmm…" Said Mcgonnagal.
"Meaning that everybody has to have a straight partener," Said Parvati.
"I know what it means!" Snapped Mcgonnagal. "…and convicts who are animagusses aren't invited?"
"And I also heard..." Crooned Hermione, stroking photo-Remus's hair, who smiled cutely. "That a certain angsty werewolf would be ...how should I put this...single?"
Mcgonnagal flushed deeply.
"How dare you suggest that I'm in an innapropriate relationship with that MAN!" She shrieked.
"Yes, werewolves do need to be paper trained around the full moon," Said Lavender wisely.
They all looked at her.
"Not that I'd know or anything," She said, putting on the airhead act again.
"Well he's very hot," Said Hermione, smiling at the photo. "I also heard he has a thing for black-haired uptight professors."
"Who, snape?" Said Parvati.
"Shhhut up!" Spat Hermione.
"Snape's really a blonde," said Ginny.
They all looked at her.
"Not that I'd know or anything," She said.
Mcgonnagal coughed, sipping her Earl Grey tea.
"Do you really think a ball involving you girls dressed up like trollops will change the boys minds? They prefer men." She said Coldly.
"They're under a spell!" Lavender shot back.
"What?" She cried.
"Isn't it obvious, hasn't it been forshadowed since the beginning!?" Said Hermione, rolling her eyes. "All the men are under a spell!"
"I've never heard of such a spell," Mcgonnagal coughed.
"Of course you haven't all you can do is turn yourself into a cat," Parvati pointed out.
"Please professor, do it for Remus!" Cried Hermione hysterically, shoving the frame in front of her face.
"Yeah do it for me!" Sniffed Photo-Remus.
"Oh...I..." said Minerva, looking torn. "Oh, alright."
She sniffed loudly, not realizing that Remus was gay even without the damn spell. To make matters clear, Draco, Remus and …er…justin are gay without the spell, everyone else is straight.
WOO HOO!
And all the fan girls rejoiced.
"Although you'll have to wait until next year, it's the middle of summer," Mcgonnagal said.
"Actually, look outside!" Said Lavender.
Mcgonnagal looked out and was greeted by virtual blizzards filled with dancing people in pretty red coats and all that crap.
"Oh dear, Master Malfoy must be rather depressed today," She said tiredly.
"Yes, he is." Said Hermione.
"Fine, we'll hold it in a week's time." Said Mcgonnagal. "Now GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"
***
"A YULE BALL!?" Cried Ron. "This is a disaster!"
"Eh?" Said Harry, chewing on his Froot Loops. Yes, Hogwarts have Froot loops.
"How can I go to a Yule Ball?" Ron cried.
"I don't see what the problem is, Hermione ripped up your dress robes which means your parents have to buy you new ones," Pointed out Harry.
"I mean…I want to ask him for the ball, but I can't!" Ron angested, bursting into tears.
"Why not," said Harry, pouring some more milk on his froot loops.
"Because it's a hetrosexual ball, which means you have to go with girls," said Ron quietly.
"So go with Hermione then, let me eat my damn froot loops!" Said Harry. "Oh, I wonder if Cho has a date," He added, biting into his loops.
"I don't like Hermione, I like Lavender!" Ron pointed out, keeping to the plot's consistancy.
"Lavender's a blonde whore," Harry said.
"That's why I like her, she's like a female version of my sweet Draco."
"You don't have dress robes either, we'll need to buy some at Gladrags Wizard Wear." Said Harry.
"No actually I have some," Said Ron. "They're white and thin with a black tie."
"Why don't we go shopping anymore Ron?" Said Harry sadly.
"Because now that I'm gay I have better taste than you," Said Ron.
Hermione skipped into the room and sat down between Harry and Ron.
"Good morning Hermione," Said Harry. "Don't touch my froot-loops."
"Hermione, do you think you could ask Lavender to go out with me?" Said Ron quickly.
"Good Morning Harry," Said Hermione. "I'm saying good morning to you Harry but not Ron, because Ron's an ass fucker."
Which really did answer Ron's question.
"Hey, i resent that," Said Ron quietly, sinking into his chair.
"Harry, will you please ask the butt-raping pig fucker to pass the marmalade?" Said Hermione.
"Ron pass the marmalade," Said Harry with a yawn.
"Will you please tell the butch lesbian that I ate all the marmalade?" Ron said.
Harry turned his head towards the end of the table. "HANNAH ABOTT, RON SAYS HE'S EATEN ALL THE MARMALADE!"
"I was talking about HERMIONE," Said Ron angrily.
Hannah Abott looked up from her table.
"Ron you ate all the marmalade you dickhead!" She swore.
"Oh so now i'm a butch lesbian am I?" Spat Hermione. "At least I didn't break your heart!"
"I broke your heart?" Said Ron innocently.
"Yes!" Hermione shrieked.
"Oh," Said Ron, looking slightly guilty. Hermione was his friend after all.
"I happened to have my whole life planned out," Said Hermione. "I was going to marry you, and never be called a mud-blood again, and pat your sweet hot ass whenever i felt like it!"
Hermione shut her mouth quickly, looking embarassed.
"I have a sweet hot ass?" Said Ron slowly. "Do you mean that?"
"Ron, shut up." Said Harry, still chewing on his froot loops.
"That's...the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me," Said Ron with a strangled voice, tears welling in those brown eyes.
"Well - you ate …the marmalade," Said Hermione quietly.
"Have you two made up?" Harry asked.
"Hermione, I'd be honoured to go to the ball with you," Said Ron cutely.
"NO! I will never forgive you!" Snapped Hermione.
"But...you said i had a sweet hot ass..." Said Ron adorably.
"I was going to take you to the ball and kiss the gay out of you in a completely romantic scene in which we are outside near a fountain with stars twinkling and birds flying in a beautiful garden but frankly i HATE YOU!" Yelled Hermione all at once.
She promptly picked up her bag and stormed out of the room.
"Herm, can I have the rest of your froot loops?" Harry called.
"Sod OFF!" She screamed, storming away.
***
"Pansy go to the ball with me or I shall get secret government agents to kill you painfully." Said Draco in monotonous ..er..tone.
"Aren't you gay?" Pansy asked.
Draco stuck a hand out and pinned her against the wall.
"Pansy go to the ball with me or I shall get secret government agents to kill you painfully." He repeated.
"Um…okay," She said, looking uncomfortable. "But…why?"
"I want to make Potter jealous," He stated. "and I do have a reputation you know."
"But why me, I'm ugly and fat!" Pansy pointed out.
Draco sighed. "You happen to be the prettiest slytherin girl i know and I need the best to make Potter jealous."
"Oh Draco I love you!" Cried Pansy, pulling her arms around his neck.
"Yeah yeah, you can stop now." Said Draco.
"You won't regret this, Draco!" Said Pansy happily, letting go of him and rushing up the stairs. She paused to smile down at him and then rushed over to the common room.
"Urgh...glad that's over with," Said Draco. "Now...for the robes." And he flexed his tight, but muscles…and pranced away.
****
Ginny Weasley was hysterical. She was convinced that she had the fattest ass in the world. (Which is true, but this is besides the point.) She spun around critically in the dress shop, trying to ignore the sounds of Seamus and Dean making out in the next stall.
And that's when she saw...the perfect dress. It was a beautiful sea blue with little wavey-bits that went down to the knees. It also came with a matching blue flower hair-accessory that shone in fifteen shades of blue! Just to look at it was to be enchanted by it's awe.
"Ohh..." She said, staring up at that wonder dress.
"Would you like to purchase this outfit?" Asked an irritable fat lady, who seemed to own the store.
"I'll take it," She said, still hypnotised by it's beauty.
"That'll be fourty-eight galleons." Said the lady.
"But...I don't have fourty-eight galleons!" Said Ginny softly, tears coming into her eyes.
"Well I'm sorry sweetie," Said the lady in her annoying voice. "But i don't run a charity here!"
"Will you give it to me for three galleons and seven sickles?" Said Ginny quietly. "I swear I'll pay you back!"
And Suddenly Draco came in, because everyone knows that when Ginny's poor in a fanfic, it's Draco's job to pay for anything she wants.
"Here's a dress you can afford," Said the lady irritably, holding up a cream white dress that seemed to be made of rag-patches. One of the straps fell off. "Oh yeah, you'll need to fix that."
Ginny's mouth opened with horror.
Draco, who had arrived to buy a pink tafetta gown, because silk did not go with his complexion, ganced at her sympathetically.
"Weasley, I have the sudden overwhelming urge to buy you a nice dress!" He cried dramatically.
"Er…why?" Ginny asked.
"Because it's a clicheed fanfiction plot device, we get them all the time," Said the clerk.
"Excuse me?" Ginny asked, baffled. Yes, baffled. "You mean people write stories about me and draco?"
"Yes, i know it's odd," Said Draco. "The stories you can come across..."
"Oh yes, you were the hottest couple around before Harry came into the picture," Said the clerk. "I found one about Ginny and Dumbledore once."
"WHAT!?" Screamed Ginny.
"I'll take that stunning blue dress over there," Said Draco, pulling out a bag of money. "How much is this going to cost me to get out of this silly romantic situation?" He asked tiredly.
"Fourty-eight….er I mean, seventy-five galleons," Said the clerk hungrilly.
"I have more money than that in a used condom," Responded Draco snottingly, and he tossed a bag filled with coins and diamonds onto the table.
"Er, make that Eighty-five galleons!" Cried the clerk, as she took all the jewels and galleons she could.
"And I'll have the sexiest dress robes for men that you have," Said Draco.
"Well we do have a lovely peach set," Said the clerk.
"Does it have big bows on it?" Draco asked warningly.
"We could sew some on," Said the clerk, shoving the money down her blouse. "I can finally afford to get someone to perform the engorgement charm on my boobs!" She cried gleefully.
"I'd say you need to loose some weight too," Said Draco, being the snobby ass-hole that we all know and love.
"Here's your dress," Said the Clerk, ignoring Malfoy.
"Oh Malfoy, you're wonderful!" Ginny cried, giving him a hug.
"Anything for the sister of the guy I had a drunken shag with," Draco responded. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to join Dean and Seamus in the changing room!" He said, with an evil expression on his face, dashing off.
***
Lavender was very very very upset.
"You mean to tell me that Seamus and Dean were making out in the cubicle!?" She shrieked as Ginny spun around, clutching onto her blue dress.
"Uh huh then Malfoy came in and bought me this dress isn't it so PERFECT!?" She sang, dancing around.
"Oh great, a stupid Ginny/Draco pairing, how predictable!" Lavender cried.
"Draco? No way, he's nice and everything but give me harry any day...." Said Ginny wistfully.
"Ginny, will you help me with the other part of the plan?" Sniffed Lavender. "I'm pissed at Parvati right now and I have nobody else."
"Erm, okay sure." Said Ginny, who had started to think that Lavender was more than just a 2d character.
"What's the other part of the plan?" Asked Ginny curiously.
"Well, Fred and George wanted some of us to help out," Said Lavender. "We need to set the romantic mood."
"Oh like music and insence and stuff?" Said Ginny. "Sounds like fun!"
"Yeah, real girl stuff!" Said Lavender, giggling like a cheerleader.
"I like know a really great shop where they sell heart-balloons," Said Ginny chirpily.
"I am like soo there!" They both giggled hysterically.
Suddenly Lavender grew serious again.
"…I can't believe Seamus left me for DEAN!? My jugs are way bigger than his man boobs!" She cried.
"Oh come on Lavender," Said Ginny quietly. "He's under a spell."
"Yes but,"
"He didn't know what he was doing, it's all you-know-who's fault." She added.
Hermione looked up from her book by the fire and listened in.
"I'm sure that if he wasn't under a spell he would never do anything like that," Said Ginny soothingly.
"Well... i guess so..." Said Lavender, wiping away a tear. "Thanks Ginny."
"Betchya didn't know i was so insightful huh," Said Ginny proudly.
Hermione glared at them both.
"Actualy Lavender, Seamus would, after all he shagged me," She lied.
Hermione looked at the fire. Once again, she realised the dancing red flames looked oddly like Ron's hair. She began to imagine Ron looking back at her from inside the fire, winking mischeivously and then dissapearing into the flames. Maybe she did need Ron back. Maybe she couldn't stay mad at him forever.
Ron ran into the room and stopped in front of hermione.
"HERMIONE!" He said excitedly.
"Do you like my pink socks?"
Hermione looked back at her book. Nope, she was still mad at him. Pink socks? The nerve.
"No I don't like your pink socks," Said Hermione irritably. "they make you look gay."
"Well duh, that's the idea." Said Ron.
"Why do you like Draco anyway?" Said Hermione, still staring at her book angrily. "I mean, what's he got that i haven't got?"
"A dick," Ron pointed out, touching his ass.
"But Ron, how could you sleep with him?" Cried Hermione, slamming her book down. "I thought you liked me!"
"I was DRUNK, duhh," Said Ron. "How could a smart person like yourself not know the effects of alcohol?"
"Alcohol is supposed to make you impotent, dumb ass, not horny!" Shrieked Hermione. "If you were that drunk, then technically your little weasel should barely be able to move!"
"Yes but..." Said Ron. "Um... I can't think of a way to finish that sentence."
Hermione was starting to look pretty murderous.
"You lost your virginity to a slytherin who probably has aids," She said, starting to sniff sadly.
"Er yeah, virginity…" Said Ron, remembering a certain incident involving Lavender. "Look Hermione, I'm sorry I hurt you, I didn't mean to...and I've been your friend for four books now... we can't just stop that because of a tiny incident like an ass shagging?"
Hermione was determined to make it look like she was not crying.
"I can't forget about it Ron, this is the sad chapter, which means it's filled with all sorts of angsty bollocks!" Said Hermione.
"Oh yes, I almost forgot about that," Said Ron.
He turned towards the audience.
"Am I gay? Or am I straight?!" Cried Ron dramatically.
And He won an award for this performance. When this fic ended he would accept an award and cry like Halle Berry winning an oscar but let's not worry about that. He would also wear Halle Berry's dress, which he had stolen from her linen cupboard.
"Ron, I just don't want you to get hurt!" Screamed Hermione desperately. "Do you realise what could've happened? You could've gotten Herpes or Crabs or...i dunno, some other form of STD!!"
"We used a condom," Said Ron. "Besides, you can get all those other diseases from women as well," He said, referring to another incident with…er…Lavender.
But of course, innocent Hermione didn't get it.
"Ron I hate you!" She cried. "I can't believe you'd put yourself in danger like that!"
"I told you I didn't want to!" He cried.
"And now you're going to go around shagging everyone, like some sort of ...easy guy..." She sniffed. "And everybody is going to take advantage of how freakishly adorable you are!"
"EASY!?" Cried Ron. "How could you say that!"
"You slept with MALFOY! Sleeping with Malfoy is like having the words "Shag me please" Stamped on your ass!" She screamed. "After all, everyone knows what happened with Blaize Sambini and the squid in the lake.." She muttered darkly.
"Is this conversation going anywhere?" Asked a puzzled Ron, scratching his head.
"It's going somewhere, I've just completely lost track of what I was saying!" Hermione roared, then she thought. "Alright now I remember, Ron, you're a prat and I hate your bloody socks!" She cried triumphantly.
"I don't think you're a prat," Said Ron. "I want to be your friend again. I'm sick of failing all my tests."
"Oh Sod off!" Growled Hermione and she stormed out of the room.
"I like your socks Ron," Said Lavender.
"Hey, those are mine!" Screamed Ginny.
And Sighing with frustration, Ron was forced to chase Hermione.
***
And now we present a musical interlude to relax your spirits, starring Draco Malfoy.
Draco walked onto a spot-lighted stage in the great hall, wearing a black tuxedo with tails and a bow-tie.
There was a dramatic drumroll… the curtains pulled back, revealling almost every single male in Hogwarts dressed in elaborate skin-tight sequined gowns.
"May I present..." Said Draco, a little nervous in front of the audience. "Blaizee and the sunshine band!"
Blaize Zambini appeared with a large trumpet, Crabbe came up behind him with a bass guitar and Goyle on the drums.
The audience clapped and cheered and the male dancers blushed.
"I want to sing a few songs for you tonight," Said Draco, becoming a little more comfortable as the audience clapped and cheered. "And the first one is about...er...Somebody I know. They know who they are."
"Ooooo," Went some of the fan girls.
"HIT IT BLAZEY!" Cried Draco.
A trumpet errupted in the air.
Blaizee and the Sunshine band began to jam up a fast Jazzy tune, and suddenly Draco had on a flat straw hat, a striped suit and a large cane.
"Oh Crap, my dress is caught in my cello!" Yelled Seamus, but Draco was already beginning to sing.
"L - is for the way you look at meeee, O - is for the only ooone I seeee!" Draco sang, punching the air. "V is very very, extraordinary and E - is even more than anyone that I adore!" He sang, tap dancing across the stage.
Harry had just entered the hall.
"Why is Draco singing?" He asked Parvati.
"No one knows, all the boys just started setting up this drag show an hour ago," She responded, shrugging her shoulders.
"And LOOOOOOOOOVE is all that i can giiiiiive to you!" Sang Draco. "LOVE! Is more than just a - dream for twoo.…..Twooo in love can make it! Take my heart but please don't break it!" He sang, running up to Harry, his spot light following him.
"Draco what are you doing, we're supposed to be having dinner in here!" Harry cried.
"I'm proving that I love you, you silly goose!" Draco giggled. "Loooove, was made for me and YOUUU!" He sang.
"Oh my," Said Harry, sinking into his chair and looking extremely embarassed.
"Everybody!" Draco roared.
"Now I wish I had died," Harry groaned.
The audience whooped and cheered loudly. Ron looked slightly jealous at all the attention that Harry was recieving. Hermione was staring at Ron evily.
"This song was dedicated to my one true love Harry, who has just recovered after he threw himself off a building," Said Draco, and the audience laughed jovially.
"Oh god!" Cried Harry, sinking even lower.
Blaizee and the sunshine band revved up a bit of a fourties tune. Draco went back to centre stage and began to sing again.
"Without Oliver Haaaardy, Stan Loral wouldn't shooow…and there aint no romance in a solo romeo...without doctor Watson, Sherlock wouldn't have a clue!" He sang. "Without you with me baaaaby I'm nothin' that's the truuth!"
The audience was getting revved up but suddenly there was a distraction! Hermione was now on the stage, wearing a feminine black tuxedo, she touched her wand to her throat to magnify her voice.
"Move over Draco, it's my turn," She said firmly.
"But Mudblood, it's my ---"
But Hermione had pushed him out of the way.
"Darling you left my heart, in pieces on the floor…so tell me why shouldn't I…break something of yours…" She sang sassily.
"HIT IT BLAIZEE!!!" She screamed.
Blaizee revved up the tempo.
"I'll smash your lamp, the antique chair, that stupid thing you always wear," She sang. "I'll smash the rack, the radio, those stupid tea cups from Limogue,"
(the audience all whooped)
"Those wacky paintings on the walls...darling POW! I'll smash 'em all!" She screamed.
Ron was looking nervous, she lied down on the edge of the stage and sang right in his face.
"Darling it's not the same, Cupid can take the blame....I'll smash the place apart..."
"But don't worry," Sang Draco, pointing to Harry. "I WON'T SMASH YOUR HEART!!"
"HEY!" Cried Hermione, getting up. "I was going to write a different end to that song --"
"Don't worry baby," Said Draco, to Harry. "You know you can drive me crazy, but I'll never hurt you, I'm draco baby.."
Harry was dying of embarassment.
"Draco, you're ruining the song, you butt fucker!" Hermione screamed.
"You know, Hermione's said Fuck nearly twenty-five times in this fic," Said Dean Thomas to some Ravenclaw chick.
"Wouldn't you if you had to go through four books with permanent p.m.s and no way of venting?" She replied.
"Hmm," Said Dean, nodding.
"Don't you think my version of the song was much better?" Crooned Draco to Harry. Harry was basically dying of embarassment.
"Don't worry," Said Ron, totally red. "I'm just as embarassed as you."
They both looked at each other, and Draco began to speak dramatically into his microphone while Pansy and Millicent sang "Ooohhhhaaawwww" in the background.
"Now I know Harry, due to a greivous tragedy we are forced to take girls to this ball, but baby… will you make out with me in a bush after it?" He asked.
"Holy mother of Gosh no!" Cried Harry, already embarassed enough. The whole school laughed.
"Oh come on Harry, you can do it for little old me," Grinned Draco wickedly.
"Yes Harry, say yes!" Squealed the closest fan girl hysterically.
"No way!" Screamed Harry, throwing a piece of turkey at Draco. It hit him right in the face.
Draco gasped, his face had gravy all over it.
"Agh my BEAUTIFUL FACE!" He screamed. "Fine then, Weasley will you make out with me?"
"Sure!" Ron giggled like a school girl. And they both pranced off holding hands.
Harry stared at them both, in horror.
"RON!" Screamed Hermione, and she ran off crying.
"I can't believe he left me!" Harry sobbed hysterically.
"I thought you didn't want to make out with him," Said Pansy, in mid oooo noise.
"I don't, I mean…" Harry cried.
"Well you know," Said some Ravenclaw chick. "Any guy who sets up a concert for you has to be pretty special.."
Harry suddenly looked very glowy and angsterific.
"Yes he is!" he cried, light shining in his beautiful green eyes, like it always does when a character realises he likes another character in these bloody annoying fics.
"Oh well, screw the concert," Said Pansy parkinson. "Cut the music!"
All the instrument players walked off and everybody cleared out of the halls.
"Oh crap," Said Harry, looking around desperately. "What am I going to do now?"
"I suggest you make an appointment with the whorish Lavender to kiss the gay right out of you," Said Hermione, aware of the cruel irony.
Harry stalked off, in a bad mood. This whole chapter was so sad and angsty!
"Er - Hi," Came a voice behind him.
"Draco?" He said hopefully, but he turned around and it was Ginny. "Oh, Hi." He said.
"Um, i was wondering if you …wanted to go to the ball with me …because I like you and - er…stuff," Said Ginny quietly, staring at the ground and going bright red.
"No offence but why are you asking me when i've just found out that I'm in love with another guy?" Asked Harry.
"It's called Drama," Said Ginny. "So will you go with me? Please please please please PLEEEEEASE!!"
"…Alright, but there will be no touching of my ass of any kind," Said Harry.
And that's when Cho popped out of nowhere. Her beauty was once again astounding him.
"Harry," She said, with a voice as soft as her eyes.
"Y…Yes?" Said Harry, gulping. She was talking to him, the heavenly siren was talking to him.
"Me and my friend Casey were wondering if you wanted to …join us," She said quietly, with a wicked grin.
Casey showed up next to her and grinned wickedly too.
"Oh - my... er..." Said Harry, his mind going places where they had never gone. "Erm -"
"Harry's going with me!" Screamed Ginny to Cho.
"Oh...okay," Said Cho, sadly. "Sorry to bother you, Harry," And she walked off.
"DAMMIT!" He yelled, and he kicked the nearest chair over. "This chapter is filled with so much SADNESS!"
~ Thus ends the sad chapter part one
A/N This is other wise known as the chapter which is way to long for its own good
so it had to be split into two different parts because damn note pad would not
let us post it in one file.
Grrrrr. Other then that this chapter features yet another lovely musical number
several in fact.
It also makes fun of several fics and if you can spot them your a sexy beast.
This is a sad chapter, filled with tears and angst and touching little speeches involving angels and other silly corny things which have been ripped off an episode of Rugrats.
It starts with Fred, George and the girls situated in the hospital wing. They were all crying over Fred's stricken form. Fred, who had gotten his brains stuck back into his head was feeling a little off and was getting irritated with the girls swarming all over him. But the girls had promised to do the twins's exams for him so he refraimed from throwing them off the tower.
"Fred and I have talked it over," Began George, taking out a chart. "And we have thought of a way to make viagra ten times stronger."
"Excuse me!?" Screeched Lavender.
"Oops, that's the other plan," Said George, tearing some paper from the chart and eating it as soon as possible.
Fred was noisely sick, after all he was suffering from brain damage.
"YOU! YOU ARE A CHEESE AND THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE!" He suddenly screamed at a filing cabinet.
"Okay, the plan," Said George as though exploding at a filing cabinet was completely normal. "Is that you girls organise another Yule ball."
"A Yule ball? It's not Christmas," Said Cho Chang.
"Yes but this does not need to make sense," Said George truthfully, showing them a bar graph. "The ball is to appeal to the female audience which consists of ninety-five percent of slash readers."
"Oh, true!" Said Susan bones.
"Besides, Draco is depressed which means it must be winter," Pointed out Hermione.
"We're going to make it so that guys have to go out with girls," Said Fred, composing himself and consulting several statistics. "Because angst is needed."
"Amidst all the dancing and socialising, we will kidnap harry," Said George.
"Why?" Asked a Hufflepuff first year.
"Don't ask questions!" Yelled Fred who was very pissed off. "Because you're an ant and ants can't talk!"
They all stared at him.
"There there Fred, Mum will be here soon," Said Ginny kindly.
"I love you Angelina," Said Fred, hugging his pillow affectionately.
"Er.anyway…our aim is to attract Voldemort because whenever something like this happens it's always his fault." Said George knowlegably. "Then we'll lure Voldemort in here and try and reverse the spell."
"Are you insane!?" Cried Hermione. "Voldemort is a POWERFUL wizard, he'll kill you!"
"What else do you propose we do?" Said George sternly.
"I"ll be good," Said Hermione quietly as she sat down.
"And for another thing, we don't even know that Voldemort's responsible….think about it, why would Voldemort make everyone gay?" Lavender asked.
***
And now for a spot staring Voldemort.
The prisoner laid before him, bound and gagged. Other than that he had a delerious expression on his face. It was Gilderoy Lockhart, and he was about to make Voldie's dreams come true!
"Erm…Voldie," Said Lucius, a curious expression on his face.
"Yes," Said Voldemort testidly.
"Why did you ask us to kidnap this mental patient?" Lucius asked. "He's an idiot!"
"Yes, but he's a sexy idiot!" Voldemort cried.
Poor Lockhart had no memory which meant he had no idea what sort of horrors were about to be placed on him.
"Now Lucius, bring me my SPEEDOS!" Cried Voldemort, and Lockhart smiled.
"Hello, are you my daddy?" He asked.
And Voldemort closed in on him.
"No offence my love - er - lord," Said Lucius uncertainly. "But what does this have to do with...the plan?"
"Nothing, I'm just horny and you're crap in bed," Said Voldemort and Lucius burst into tears.
"I love you daddy," Said Gilderoy cutely.
"Yes, you too," Smirked Voldemort, twirling one of Gilderoy's curly golden locks on his abnormally large finger.
And we're going to stop this scene before it gets really really creepy. If you want to see where this is going, then you're pretty darn sick. Look some stuff up on Google. Google is your friend.
***
"And that's why we need another yule ball." Said Lavender.
Proffesor Mcgonagall looked at her darkly.
"Do you really think i'm just going to organise a yule ball for no reason?" She shouted.
"Oh I dunno professor," Said Hermione, picking up the framed photo of Remus Lupin. "We just thought we'd make it a hetro-sexual yule ball."
"Hmm…" Said Mcgonnagal.
"Meaning that everybody has to have a straight partener," Said Parvati.
"I know what it means!" Snapped Mcgonnagal. "…and convicts who are animagusses aren't invited?"
"And I also heard..." Crooned Hermione, stroking photo-Remus's hair, who smiled cutely. "That a certain angsty werewolf would be ...how should I put this...single?"
Mcgonnagal flushed deeply.
"How dare you suggest that I'm in an innapropriate relationship with that MAN!" She shrieked.
"Yes, werewolves do need to be paper trained around the full moon," Said Lavender wisely.
They all looked at her.
"Not that I'd know or anything," She said, putting on the airhead act again.
"Well he's very hot," Said Hermione, smiling at the photo. "I also heard he has a thing for black-haired uptight professors."
"Who, snape?" Said Parvati.
"Shhhut up!" Spat Hermione.
"Snape's really a blonde," said Ginny.
They all looked at her.
"Not that I'd know or anything," She said.
Mcgonnagal coughed, sipping her Earl Grey tea.
"Do you really think a ball involving you girls dressed up like trollops will change the boys minds? They prefer men." She said Coldly.
"They're under a spell!" Lavender shot back.
"What?" She cried.
"Isn't it obvious, hasn't it been forshadowed since the beginning!?" Said Hermione, rolling her eyes. "All the men are under a spell!"
"I've never heard of such a spell," Mcgonnagal coughed.
"Of course you haven't all you can do is turn yourself into a cat," Parvati pointed out.
"Please professor, do it for Remus!" Cried Hermione hysterically, shoving the frame in front of her face.
"Yeah do it for me!" Sniffed Photo-Remus.
"Oh...I..." said Minerva, looking torn. "Oh, alright."
She sniffed loudly, not realizing that Remus was gay even without the damn spell. To make matters clear, Draco, Remus and …er…justin are gay without the spell, everyone else is straight.
WOO HOO!
And all the fan girls rejoiced.
"Although you'll have to wait until next year, it's the middle of summer," Mcgonnagal said.
"Actually, look outside!" Said Lavender.
Mcgonnagal looked out and was greeted by virtual blizzards filled with dancing people in pretty red coats and all that crap.
"Oh dear, Master Malfoy must be rather depressed today," She said tiredly.
"Yes, he is." Said Hermione.
"Fine, we'll hold it in a week's time." Said Mcgonnagal. "Now GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"
***
"A YULE BALL!?" Cried Ron. "This is a disaster!"
"Eh?" Said Harry, chewing on his Froot Loops. Yes, Hogwarts have Froot loops.
"How can I go to a Yule Ball?" Ron cried.
"I don't see what the problem is, Hermione ripped up your dress robes which means your parents have to buy you new ones," Pointed out Harry.
"I mean…I want to ask him for the ball, but I can't!" Ron angested, bursting into tears.
"Why not," said Harry, pouring some more milk on his froot loops.
"Because it's a hetrosexual ball, which means you have to go with girls," said Ron quietly.
"So go with Hermione then, let me eat my damn froot loops!" Said Harry. "Oh, I wonder if Cho has a date," He added, biting into his loops.
"I don't like Hermione, I like Lavender!" Ron pointed out, keeping to the plot's consistancy.
"Lavender's a blonde whore," Harry said.
"That's why I like her, she's like a female version of my sweet Draco."
"You don't have dress robes either, we'll need to buy some at Gladrags Wizard Wear." Said Harry.
"No actually I have some," Said Ron. "They're white and thin with a black tie."
"Why don't we go shopping anymore Ron?" Said Harry sadly.
"Because now that I'm gay I have better taste than you," Said Ron.
Hermione skipped into the room and sat down between Harry and Ron.
"Good morning Hermione," Said Harry. "Don't touch my froot-loops."
"Hermione, do you think you could ask Lavender to go out with me?" Said Ron quickly.
"Good Morning Harry," Said Hermione. "I'm saying good morning to you Harry but not Ron, because Ron's an ass fucker."
Which really did answer Ron's question.
"Hey, i resent that," Said Ron quietly, sinking into his chair.
"Harry, will you please ask the butt-raping pig fucker to pass the marmalade?" Said Hermione.
"Ron pass the marmalade," Said Harry with a yawn.
"Will you please tell the butch lesbian that I ate all the marmalade?" Ron said.
Harry turned his head towards the end of the table. "HANNAH ABOTT, RON SAYS HE'S EATEN ALL THE MARMALADE!"
"I was talking about HERMIONE," Said Ron angrily.
Hannah Abott looked up from her table.
"Ron you ate all the marmalade you dickhead!" She swore.
"Oh so now i'm a butch lesbian am I?" Spat Hermione. "At least I didn't break your heart!"
"I broke your heart?" Said Ron innocently.
"Yes!" Hermione shrieked.
"Oh," Said Ron, looking slightly guilty. Hermione was his friend after all.
"I happened to have my whole life planned out," Said Hermione. "I was going to marry you, and never be called a mud-blood again, and pat your sweet hot ass whenever i felt like it!"
Hermione shut her mouth quickly, looking embarassed.
"I have a sweet hot ass?" Said Ron slowly. "Do you mean that?"
"Ron, shut up." Said Harry, still chewing on his froot loops.
"That's...the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me," Said Ron with a strangled voice, tears welling in those brown eyes.
"Well - you ate …the marmalade," Said Hermione quietly.
"Have you two made up?" Harry asked.
"Hermione, I'd be honoured to go to the ball with you," Said Ron cutely.
"NO! I will never forgive you!" Snapped Hermione.
"But...you said i had a sweet hot ass..." Said Ron adorably.
"I was going to take you to the ball and kiss the gay out of you in a completely romantic scene in which we are outside near a fountain with stars twinkling and birds flying in a beautiful garden but frankly i HATE YOU!" Yelled Hermione all at once.
She promptly picked up her bag and stormed out of the room.
"Herm, can I have the rest of your froot loops?" Harry called.
"Sod OFF!" She screamed, storming away.
***
"Pansy go to the ball with me or I shall get secret government agents to kill you painfully." Said Draco in monotonous ..er..tone.
"Aren't you gay?" Pansy asked.
Draco stuck a hand out and pinned her against the wall.
"Pansy go to the ball with me or I shall get secret government agents to kill you painfully." He repeated.
"Um…okay," She said, looking uncomfortable. "But…why?"
"I want to make Potter jealous," He stated. "and I do have a reputation you know."
"But why me, I'm ugly and fat!" Pansy pointed out.
Draco sighed. "You happen to be the prettiest slytherin girl i know and I need the best to make Potter jealous."
"Oh Draco I love you!" Cried Pansy, pulling her arms around his neck.
"Yeah yeah, you can stop now." Said Draco.
"You won't regret this, Draco!" Said Pansy happily, letting go of him and rushing up the stairs. She paused to smile down at him and then rushed over to the common room.
"Urgh...glad that's over with," Said Draco. "Now...for the robes." And he flexed his tight, but muscles…and pranced away.
****
Ginny Weasley was hysterical. She was convinced that she had the fattest ass in the world. (Which is true, but this is besides the point.) She spun around critically in the dress shop, trying to ignore the sounds of Seamus and Dean making out in the next stall.
And that's when she saw...the perfect dress. It was a beautiful sea blue with little wavey-bits that went down to the knees. It also came with a matching blue flower hair-accessory that shone in fifteen shades of blue! Just to look at it was to be enchanted by it's awe.
"Ohh..." She said, staring up at that wonder dress.
"Would you like to purchase this outfit?" Asked an irritable fat lady, who seemed to own the store.
"I'll take it," She said, still hypnotised by it's beauty.
"That'll be fourty-eight galleons." Said the lady.
"But...I don't have fourty-eight galleons!" Said Ginny softly, tears coming into her eyes.
"Well I'm sorry sweetie," Said the lady in her annoying voice. "But i don't run a charity here!"
"Will you give it to me for three galleons and seven sickles?" Said Ginny quietly. "I swear I'll pay you back!"
And Suddenly Draco came in, because everyone knows that when Ginny's poor in a fanfic, it's Draco's job to pay for anything she wants.
"Here's a dress you can afford," Said the lady irritably, holding up a cream white dress that seemed to be made of rag-patches. One of the straps fell off. "Oh yeah, you'll need to fix that."
Ginny's mouth opened with horror.
Draco, who had arrived to buy a pink tafetta gown, because silk did not go with his complexion, ganced at her sympathetically.
"Weasley, I have the sudden overwhelming urge to buy you a nice dress!" He cried dramatically.
"Er…why?" Ginny asked.
"Because it's a clicheed fanfiction plot device, we get them all the time," Said the clerk.
"Excuse me?" Ginny asked, baffled. Yes, baffled. "You mean people write stories about me and draco?"
"Yes, i know it's odd," Said Draco. "The stories you can come across..."
"Oh yes, you were the hottest couple around before Harry came into the picture," Said the clerk. "I found one about Ginny and Dumbledore once."
"WHAT!?" Screamed Ginny.
"I'll take that stunning blue dress over there," Said Draco, pulling out a bag of money. "How much is this going to cost me to get out of this silly romantic situation?" He asked tiredly.
"Fourty-eight….er I mean, seventy-five galleons," Said the clerk hungrilly.
"I have more money than that in a used condom," Responded Draco snottingly, and he tossed a bag filled with coins and diamonds onto the table.
"Er, make that Eighty-five galleons!" Cried the clerk, as she took all the jewels and galleons she could.
"And I'll have the sexiest dress robes for men that you have," Said Draco.
"Well we do have a lovely peach set," Said the clerk.
"Does it have big bows on it?" Draco asked warningly.
"We could sew some on," Said the clerk, shoving the money down her blouse. "I can finally afford to get someone to perform the engorgement charm on my boobs!" She cried gleefully.
"I'd say you need to loose some weight too," Said Draco, being the snobby ass-hole that we all know and love.
"Here's your dress," Said the Clerk, ignoring Malfoy.
"Oh Malfoy, you're wonderful!" Ginny cried, giving him a hug.
"Anything for the sister of the guy I had a drunken shag with," Draco responded. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to join Dean and Seamus in the changing room!" He said, with an evil expression on his face, dashing off.
***
Lavender was very very very upset.
"You mean to tell me that Seamus and Dean were making out in the cubicle!?" She shrieked as Ginny spun around, clutching onto her blue dress.
"Uh huh then Malfoy came in and bought me this dress isn't it so PERFECT!?" She sang, dancing around.
"Oh great, a stupid Ginny/Draco pairing, how predictable!" Lavender cried.
"Draco? No way, he's nice and everything but give me harry any day...." Said Ginny wistfully.
"Ginny, will you help me with the other part of the plan?" Sniffed Lavender. "I'm pissed at Parvati right now and I have nobody else."
"Erm, okay sure." Said Ginny, who had started to think that Lavender was more than just a 2d character.
"What's the other part of the plan?" Asked Ginny curiously.
"Well, Fred and George wanted some of us to help out," Said Lavender. "We need to set the romantic mood."
"Oh like music and insence and stuff?" Said Ginny. "Sounds like fun!"
"Yeah, real girl stuff!" Said Lavender, giggling like a cheerleader.
"I like know a really great shop where they sell heart-balloons," Said Ginny chirpily.
"I am like soo there!" They both giggled hysterically.
Suddenly Lavender grew serious again.
"…I can't believe Seamus left me for DEAN!? My jugs are way bigger than his man boobs!" She cried.
"Oh come on Lavender," Said Ginny quietly. "He's under a spell."
"Yes but,"
"He didn't know what he was doing, it's all you-know-who's fault." She added.
Hermione looked up from her book by the fire and listened in.
"I'm sure that if he wasn't under a spell he would never do anything like that," Said Ginny soothingly.
"Well... i guess so..." Said Lavender, wiping away a tear. "Thanks Ginny."
"Betchya didn't know i was so insightful huh," Said Ginny proudly.
Hermione glared at them both.
"Actualy Lavender, Seamus would, after all he shagged me," She lied.
Hermione looked at the fire. Once again, she realised the dancing red flames looked oddly like Ron's hair. She began to imagine Ron looking back at her from inside the fire, winking mischeivously and then dissapearing into the flames. Maybe she did need Ron back. Maybe she couldn't stay mad at him forever.
Ron ran into the room and stopped in front of hermione.
"HERMIONE!" He said excitedly.
"Do you like my pink socks?"
Hermione looked back at her book. Nope, she was still mad at him. Pink socks? The nerve.
"No I don't like your pink socks," Said Hermione irritably. "they make you look gay."
"Well duh, that's the idea." Said Ron.
"Why do you like Draco anyway?" Said Hermione, still staring at her book angrily. "I mean, what's he got that i haven't got?"
"A dick," Ron pointed out, touching his ass.
"But Ron, how could you sleep with him?" Cried Hermione, slamming her book down. "I thought you liked me!"
"I was DRUNK, duhh," Said Ron. "How could a smart person like yourself not know the effects of alcohol?"
"Alcohol is supposed to make you impotent, dumb ass, not horny!" Shrieked Hermione. "If you were that drunk, then technically your little weasel should barely be able to move!"
"Yes but..." Said Ron. "Um... I can't think of a way to finish that sentence."
Hermione was starting to look pretty murderous.
"You lost your virginity to a slytherin who probably has aids," She said, starting to sniff sadly.
"Er yeah, virginity…" Said Ron, remembering a certain incident involving Lavender. "Look Hermione, I'm sorry I hurt you, I didn't mean to...and I've been your friend for four books now... we can't just stop that because of a tiny incident like an ass shagging?"
Hermione was determined to make it look like she was not crying.
"I can't forget about it Ron, this is the sad chapter, which means it's filled with all sorts of angsty bollocks!" Said Hermione.
"Oh yes, I almost forgot about that," Said Ron.
He turned towards the audience.
"Am I gay? Or am I straight?!" Cried Ron dramatically.
And He won an award for this performance. When this fic ended he would accept an award and cry like Halle Berry winning an oscar but let's not worry about that. He would also wear Halle Berry's dress, which he had stolen from her linen cupboard.
"Ron, I just don't want you to get hurt!" Screamed Hermione desperately. "Do you realise what could've happened? You could've gotten Herpes or Crabs or...i dunno, some other form of STD!!"
"We used a condom," Said Ron. "Besides, you can get all those other diseases from women as well," He said, referring to another incident with…er…Lavender.
But of course, innocent Hermione didn't get it.
"Ron I hate you!" She cried. "I can't believe you'd put yourself in danger like that!"
"I told you I didn't want to!" He cried.
"And now you're going to go around shagging everyone, like some sort of ...easy guy..." She sniffed. "And everybody is going to take advantage of how freakishly adorable you are!"
"EASY!?" Cried Ron. "How could you say that!"
"You slept with MALFOY! Sleeping with Malfoy is like having the words "Shag me please" Stamped on your ass!" She screamed. "After all, everyone knows what happened with Blaize Sambini and the squid in the lake.." She muttered darkly.
"Is this conversation going anywhere?" Asked a puzzled Ron, scratching his head.
"It's going somewhere, I've just completely lost track of what I was saying!" Hermione roared, then she thought. "Alright now I remember, Ron, you're a prat and I hate your bloody socks!" She cried triumphantly.
"I don't think you're a prat," Said Ron. "I want to be your friend again. I'm sick of failing all my tests."
"Oh Sod off!" Growled Hermione and she stormed out of the room.
"I like your socks Ron," Said Lavender.
"Hey, those are mine!" Screamed Ginny.
And Sighing with frustration, Ron was forced to chase Hermione.
***
And now we present a musical interlude to relax your spirits, starring Draco Malfoy.
Draco walked onto a spot-lighted stage in the great hall, wearing a black tuxedo with tails and a bow-tie.
There was a dramatic drumroll… the curtains pulled back, revealling almost every single male in Hogwarts dressed in elaborate skin-tight sequined gowns.
"May I present..." Said Draco, a little nervous in front of the audience. "Blaizee and the sunshine band!"
Blaize Zambini appeared with a large trumpet, Crabbe came up behind him with a bass guitar and Goyle on the drums.
The audience clapped and cheered and the male dancers blushed.
"I want to sing a few songs for you tonight," Said Draco, becoming a little more comfortable as the audience clapped and cheered. "And the first one is about...er...Somebody I know. They know who they are."
"Ooooo," Went some of the fan girls.
"HIT IT BLAZEY!" Cried Draco.
A trumpet errupted in the air.
Blaizee and the Sunshine band began to jam up a fast Jazzy tune, and suddenly Draco had on a flat straw hat, a striped suit and a large cane.
"Oh Crap, my dress is caught in my cello!" Yelled Seamus, but Draco was already beginning to sing.
"L - is for the way you look at meeee, O - is for the only ooone I seeee!" Draco sang, punching the air. "V is very very, extraordinary and E - is even more than anyone that I adore!" He sang, tap dancing across the stage.
Harry had just entered the hall.
"Why is Draco singing?" He asked Parvati.
"No one knows, all the boys just started setting up this drag show an hour ago," She responded, shrugging her shoulders.
"And LOOOOOOOOOVE is all that i can giiiiiive to you!" Sang Draco. "LOVE! Is more than just a - dream for twoo.…..Twooo in love can make it! Take my heart but please don't break it!" He sang, running up to Harry, his spot light following him.
"Draco what are you doing, we're supposed to be having dinner in here!" Harry cried.
"I'm proving that I love you, you silly goose!" Draco giggled. "Loooove, was made for me and YOUUU!" He sang.
"Oh my," Said Harry, sinking into his chair and looking extremely embarassed.
"Everybody!" Draco roared.
"Now I wish I had died," Harry groaned.
The audience whooped and cheered loudly. Ron looked slightly jealous at all the attention that Harry was recieving. Hermione was staring at Ron evily.
"This song was dedicated to my one true love Harry, who has just recovered after he threw himself off a building," Said Draco, and the audience laughed jovially.
"Oh god!" Cried Harry, sinking even lower.
Blaizee and the sunshine band revved up a bit of a fourties tune. Draco went back to centre stage and began to sing again.
"Without Oliver Haaaardy, Stan Loral wouldn't shooow…and there aint no romance in a solo romeo...without doctor Watson, Sherlock wouldn't have a clue!" He sang. "Without you with me baaaaby I'm nothin' that's the truuth!"
The audience was getting revved up but suddenly there was a distraction! Hermione was now on the stage, wearing a feminine black tuxedo, she touched her wand to her throat to magnify her voice.
"Move over Draco, it's my turn," She said firmly.
"But Mudblood, it's my ---"
But Hermione had pushed him out of the way.
"Darling you left my heart, in pieces on the floor…so tell me why shouldn't I…break something of yours…" She sang sassily.
"HIT IT BLAIZEE!!!" She screamed.
Blaizee revved up the tempo.
"I'll smash your lamp, the antique chair, that stupid thing you always wear," She sang. "I'll smash the rack, the radio, those stupid tea cups from Limogue,"
(the audience all whooped)
"Those wacky paintings on the walls...darling POW! I'll smash 'em all!" She screamed.
Ron was looking nervous, she lied down on the edge of the stage and sang right in his face.
"Darling it's not the same, Cupid can take the blame....I'll smash the place apart..."
"But don't worry," Sang Draco, pointing to Harry. "I WON'T SMASH YOUR HEART!!"
"HEY!" Cried Hermione, getting up. "I was going to write a different end to that song --"
"Don't worry baby," Said Draco, to Harry. "You know you can drive me crazy, but I'll never hurt you, I'm draco baby.."
Harry was dying of embarassment.
"Draco, you're ruining the song, you butt fucker!" Hermione screamed.
"You know, Hermione's said Fuck nearly twenty-five times in this fic," Said Dean Thomas to some Ravenclaw chick.
"Wouldn't you if you had to go through four books with permanent p.m.s and no way of venting?" She replied.
"Hmm," Said Dean, nodding.
"Don't you think my version of the song was much better?" Crooned Draco to Harry. Harry was basically dying of embarassment.
"Don't worry," Said Ron, totally red. "I'm just as embarassed as you."
They both looked at each other, and Draco began to speak dramatically into his microphone while Pansy and Millicent sang "Ooohhhhaaawwww" in the background.
"Now I know Harry, due to a greivous tragedy we are forced to take girls to this ball, but baby… will you make out with me in a bush after it?" He asked.
"Holy mother of Gosh no!" Cried Harry, already embarassed enough. The whole school laughed.
"Oh come on Harry, you can do it for little old me," Grinned Draco wickedly.
"Yes Harry, say yes!" Squealed the closest fan girl hysterically.
"No way!" Screamed Harry, throwing a piece of turkey at Draco. It hit him right in the face.
Draco gasped, his face had gravy all over it.
"Agh my BEAUTIFUL FACE!" He screamed. "Fine then, Weasley will you make out with me?"
"Sure!" Ron giggled like a school girl. And they both pranced off holding hands.
Harry stared at them both, in horror.
"RON!" Screamed Hermione, and she ran off crying.
"I can't believe he left me!" Harry sobbed hysterically.
"I thought you didn't want to make out with him," Said Pansy, in mid oooo noise.
"I don't, I mean…" Harry cried.
"Well you know," Said some Ravenclaw chick. "Any guy who sets up a concert for you has to be pretty special.."
Harry suddenly looked very glowy and angsterific.
"Yes he is!" he cried, light shining in his beautiful green eyes, like it always does when a character realises he likes another character in these bloody annoying fics.
"Oh well, screw the concert," Said Pansy parkinson. "Cut the music!"
All the instrument players walked off and everybody cleared out of the halls.
"Oh crap," Said Harry, looking around desperately. "What am I going to do now?"
"I suggest you make an appointment with the whorish Lavender to kiss the gay right out of you," Said Hermione, aware of the cruel irony.
Harry stalked off, in a bad mood. This whole chapter was so sad and angsty!
"Er - Hi," Came a voice behind him.
"Draco?" He said hopefully, but he turned around and it was Ginny. "Oh, Hi." He said.
"Um, i was wondering if you …wanted to go to the ball with me …because I like you and - er…stuff," Said Ginny quietly, staring at the ground and going bright red.
"No offence but why are you asking me when i've just found out that I'm in love with another guy?" Asked Harry.
"It's called Drama," Said Ginny. "So will you go with me? Please please please please PLEEEEEASE!!"
"…Alright, but there will be no touching of my ass of any kind," Said Harry.
And that's when Cho popped out of nowhere. Her beauty was once again astounding him.
"Harry," She said, with a voice as soft as her eyes.
"Y…Yes?" Said Harry, gulping. She was talking to him, the heavenly siren was talking to him.
"Me and my friend Casey were wondering if you wanted to …join us," She said quietly, with a wicked grin.
Casey showed up next to her and grinned wickedly too.
"Oh - my... er..." Said Harry, his mind going places where they had never gone. "Erm -"
"Harry's going with me!" Screamed Ginny to Cho.
"Oh...okay," Said Cho, sadly. "Sorry to bother you, Harry," And she walked off.
"DAMMIT!" He yelled, and he kicked the nearest chair over. "This chapter is filled with so much SADNESS!"
~ Thus ends the sad chapter part one
