A/N The Other sad chapter.
Part two of the first chapter , we do not own Harry Potter blah blah blah.
This chapter features slut bomb Hermione and Lockhart getting to know his
new daddy. We are sick little monkeys.
"Er…my lord?" Said Lucius, listening to some very suspicious sounds coming from Voldemort's tent.
"But daddy!" A voice cried, painfully.
"Obliviate!" Another voice cried, shutting the first one up…
"Ackkk!!" Screamed the other, and they must have fainted because they didn't talk very much after that.
"Give 'daddy' some SUGAR!" Shouted the other one's voice.
"Lord!" Lucius insisted.
There was a ruffled noise and a faint cough.
"Come in," The voice coughed.
Lucius entered and found Voldemort sitting on a desk, attempting to keep a cool expression on his face.
"Lord, your plan has succeeded! Word has it that Harry Potter has just turned gay!" Lucius cried.
"Oh Really!" Voldemort cried, then started giggling for no apparent reason. "How can you tell?"
"Well I heard it from Mr Parkinson who heard it from Mrs Parkinson who heard it from her daughter Pansy," Said Lucius, gossip queen.
Voldemort started making moaning noises and he began to giggle again. Lucius looked at the desk suspiciously.
"Is there a…dog under there?" He asked, after he heard a growl.
"No." Said Voldemort firmly.
"Er…we also have recieved word that Harry is defenceless and should be killed soon - " Said Lucius, changing the subject quickly.
"Goody!" Said Voldemort. "How did you find out?"
"I got a note that said; Dear Voldemort - Harry is defenceless and should be killed soon. A nice dramatic time to kill him would be in the summer yule ball! CHEERS - Fred and George."
"Who are Fred and George?" Asked Voldemort as he attempted to kick something under the desk.
"We have no idea, but they signed the letter in pink ink, which means they are on our side," Said Lucius, and he revealed the pink triangle that had replaced the dark mark.
"Oo very good." Said Voldie, writhing his hands. "We shall kill him tomorrow."
"Er, Voldemort," Said Lucius sheepishly. "Whatever happened to Peter Pettigrew? Y'know, that wormtail fellow?"
"Oh," Said Voldemort grimly. "Let's just say he was not fit to be...*Head* of an evil organisation,"
"You chopped off his head and stuck it one of the pikes in front of the clubhouse?"
"...Yes."
"I'll tell the death eaters to get ready to attack," Said Lucius.
"Very good," Said Voldemort. "Now get out of my sight, I have some…business, to attend to."

***

Mcgonnagal straightened her robes momentarily just incase Remus was in the office. She revealed a little bit of cleavage…after all, you never knew. Slowly, fixing her jet black hair, she knocked on the door.
"Yes," Said Remus, opening the door slightly. "Oh, you're not Snape."
"Why on earth would I be Snape?" Asked Mcgonnagal.
Remus went white.
"Er…I need some more wolfsbane potion," He said, striking his hands on his hips.
He took in the bright blue robes she was wearing, the carefully applied red lippening charm, the powdered bosom and the omnious creaking of a wonder bra working to maximum potential.
"Remus my dear," She said, pushing her way past, and Remus caught a whiff of Celestina Warbeck's perfume. "As you know, the ball is tomorrow."
"Yes I know." Said Remus, going red.
"And I was wondering if I could...er...be escorted by you --because you're um --" She said, rather shiftily.
"Minerva, you were my TEACHER at school!" Said Remus, looking at her with a mix of surprise and admiration.
"Well I do not have anybody of my AGE who will take me -" Said Mcgonnagal quickly. "Besides, I'm only fourty-seven."
He looked at her.
"Allright, fifty seven." She admitted.
"Of course then," Said Remus, being his jolly/angsty self that we all know and love. "I shall take you."
Minerva smiled and went (if possible) even redder than before.
"Er..." said Remus slowly. "Do you by any chance know who Snape is going with?"
"Professor Sinistra."
"...Oh...Alright, I'll meet you in the entrance halls."
"Oh, and Remus," Said Mcgonnagal.
"Yes?" Asked Remus, looking adorable.
"Wear those pistachio robes I like," She said, and with a last heave of her mighty bosom she fled the room.
Remus smiled as she left, and then walked back into his room. He sat down at his desk and looked at his framed photos. He looked at one of him with him, Sirius, James and Peter all laughing at Snape with his hair on fire.
"Good times," He muttered with a smile. And he looked out at the window, at the almost full moon in the inky black sky and wondered.
"I wonder...I wonder where Sirius ...could be?"

***

Snuffles was in the middle of an arrangement with a pretty pink french poodle, when suddenly he received an owl from Dumbledore. Hey, when you've been in Azkaban for ten years and spend a further three as a dog, you get your kicks from just about anywhere.
He read the note and barked with Joy... Hogwarts was having another Yule ball! He remembered the good 'ol days at Hogwarts...He remembered setting Remus up with that Adhara girl, that was a good laugh. And he also remembered Lily and James, staring at each other's eyes as though they were going to fall into them. Snuffles remembered he was a big lady-killer back then.
He looked back at the poodle. "I guess times haven't really changed," He thought.
"I'll call you some time," He barked at the poodle.
"Don't bothair, ass hole," She replied.
And she stalked off with her puffy tail in the air.

***
Ron was stalking around the common room with frustration. The ball was tomorrow and he still didn't have a date.
Tomorrow? Wow that moved fast - noticed one of the authors.
"It was the middle of summer and now it's Christmas?" Some Ravenclaw Chick cried loudly to Cho's friend Casey as they walked past.
"Harry said no to making out with Draco, so it's going to be a cold cold summer," Replied Casey.
"Soooo what're you wearing?" Giggled Cho to Casey as they walked down the halls.
"Um, like a dress."
"Me too!"
And they giggled like bimbos.
"Hey you two bimbos with the big tits!" Ron cried, pointing at them, a stupid thing to say to two Ravenclaws.
"Like we are not bimbos, everyone knows that Ravenclaws are smart lesbians," Said Cho who happened to be in the Griffindor common room, and she looked at Casey, wiggling her eyebrows.
"Harry, stay out of the plot!" The older Author barked at Harry, who was trying to take over the story.
Harry walked off dejectedly. "I'm supposed to be gay anyway, against my will," He muttered darkly.
"You'll stay damn gay until we bloody change our minds!" Screamed the older author.
"Um will any of yous go with me to the Yule ball?" Asked Ron to Cho and Casey.
"We've both got dates with quidditch capitains," Said Casey.
"Sorry," Said Cho sadly.
"Oh," Said Ron sadly, and the whole world said awww because we all know that one of Ron's secret desires is to become a quidditch capitain. Poor angsty Ron!
"I don't have a date!" Screamed some Ravenclaw Chick.
"I don't even know your name," Said Ron.
"You don't?" She asked. "It's Some Ravenclaw Chick."
"Excuse me?"
"That's my name! Some Ravenclaw chick!"
"Er...okay, er...Some Ravenclaw Chick.. you're hot so will you go with me?"
"Yes Ron, yes i will." Said Some Ravenclaw Chick, and she started squeeling hysterically.
"So your name's really some?" He asked.
"Yes, it's a very old traditional Hebrew name, it means drinking camels," She replied.
"Really?"
"No, actually my first name is Some Ravenclaw Chick, my last name is Sanders."
"...Whatever, I'll see you tomorrow." Said Ron distractedly, as he walked over to the boys dormitories.
"Oh my God, someone actually acknowlaged that I EXIST!" She squealed. "You won't regret this Ron!" She cried. "And If you're lucky, tomorrow can be an all-night party, if you know what I mean!"
Ron shuddered.
"This is the happiest day of my life!" She cried, bursting into tears.

***

Hermione had managed to coax Dean Thomas into going to the ball with her. Lavender was going with Seamus Finnigan, against her will. She was still mad at the bloody poofter.
(The authors would like to appologise for the use of the word 'Poofter' which may offend people with homosexual tendencies. Lavender Brown as shown before is a homophobic whore so we cannot be held responsible for her actions)
Hermione's jealousy of Draco and Ron was getting higher by the minute. She even tried to ...er...do things, with Dean, so to speak. In their last class for the day Hermione came late, her hair was pretty messy and some of her buttons were undone.
"Oh, sorry professor snape," She said.
"You are late."
"Yes, I am late," Said Hermione with a giggle. "I had to stay in the halls for a minute to....er....sharpen Dean's pencil."
Everybody stared at her for a minute.
"And - And i was late for another minute because Dean asked me to COME with him!" Cried Hermione, bursting out with hysterical laughter.
Snape stared at her.
"Excuse me?" He said.
"You might, you might say that i SCREWED Dean, and I'm making stupid puns about it!" She cried, laughing even more hysterically.
The class looked astounded.
"Er...forget the last thing i said," She said, and she sat down quietly and grinned mischeivously, remembering the previous incident ;
Dean Thomas was busy sketching. He was sketching because that's the only interesting thing that's ever been revealled about his bloody character. Well that and he owns a poster of some soccer team, and we're not going to begin this scene with Dean staring at footballer's asses are we?
Suddenly he looked up… there was someone standing in the doorway of the boys room and he nearly bit through his pencil.
Hermione had been working very hard, she had borrowed the sluttiest outfits in Lavender's wardrobe, black leather pants with prostitute boots (otherwise known as fuck-me-boots), black corset and whip (which Lavender had once used on Ron). She had put on incredibly dramatic red lipstick and piled her curly hair into a messy tumble on her head.
"Holy shit!" Dean said, a million and one porno fantasies flying around in his head.
"Why hello dean," She said, licking her lips. "Thinking about Seamus now?"
"Oh God," Whispered Dean, trying to hide his..er…y'know…
"Now Dean, you've been a very bad boy and I'm going to punish you," She said, cracking her whip.
She pushed him onto the bed, and there was the sound of the matress moving.
"Once you go black you never go back!" She cried.
Out of nowhere, cheesy 7 porno music began to play.
"Let's get it on," She grinned and Dean made a small eeping noise under his breath.
Hermione grinned cheekily in potions class, not paying attention to professor Snape's lesson.
"I'm going with Some Ravenclaw Chick," Bragged Ron to Hermione, so she'd be pissed off.
"I'm going with Dean," Giggled Hermione, not angry at all. "He has a nice banana."
"Really?" Said Ron, impressed. "Is it big?"
"It tasted good."
"Ohhh...don't tease me like this."
"And it was so yellow and ripe."
"Ohhh...i mean....WHAT?" Yelled Ron in the middle of class.
"Ten points off griffindor for giving Ron a boner," Said Snape, and all the slytherins laughed.
"I was talking about a banana he gave me," Said Hermione with a wicked grin. "It's a fetish."
She reached into her bag and pulled out a piece of half-eaten fruit.
"See, it's not my fault Ron's perverted," She said cheekily.
"Ron, Ten points off Griffindor for wanting to give fruit a blowjob," Said Snape. He sniffed. "Speaking of blowjobs I have to er…give a wolf some flea powder," He said, running out of the room.
"That was weird," Said Lavender from where she was very busy, adjusting her bra straps.
"You know, I'm offended with all these fruit references, it's very homophobic," Said Draco sourley.
"Oh Hush honey, Hermione Is just being a bitch," Said Harry, without thinking.
"Did you just call me honey?" Draco asked eagerly.
"Er no, I said…frumpy, you're dressed pretty crap Draco," He lied quickly.
"You want me," whispered draco.
"No i don't." Said Harry.
"Well I'm going to the ball with a girl tomorrow," Said Draco scathingly. "And no where near you."
"Yeah well I'm going to be going with Ginny!" He cried triumphantly.
"Oh big loss, that girl's got a chest like an ironing board with two peas on it," Responded Draco.
"She's… developing quite nicely," Stuttered Harry. "And besides I thought you liked flat chests, mr fucks-butts-alot."
"I like flat chests with muscles on them, not freckles, moron," Draco responded.
"I like Ginny's freckles," Stuttered Harry.
"Oh sure, and I like big breasted German women," Said Draco.
"That is a racist comment!" Cried Harry, pointing to Draco's head dramatically.
"Oh and Mudblood isn't?" Pointed out Hermione.
"Ten points from Griffindor for exposing Draco's ignorance!" Snapped Snape, who had just wandered in dressed in nothing but a pair of jeans and a string vest.
"Finished with the wolf, professor?" Lavender asked, kindly.
"Four hundred points from Griffindor for exposing a sexual innuendo!" Said Snape, a pannicked look on his face.
Lavender opened her mouth and closed it like a goldfish because she was so shocked and annoyed.
"End of lesson," said Snape, adjusting his pants so that they would not fall. "Get out of my sight."
"What Sexual Innuendo?" She whispered to Parvati, thoroughly confused.
There was a growl from under his desk, everyone looked at it omniously.
"Run!" Ron screamed, and everyone dashed out of the room, terrified.

***

As day was slowly turning into night, and night turning into morning in a slow beautiful way, the authors sat in the halls of hogwarts in their pyjamas, drinking coffee.
"This chapter was quite sad," Said the Older one, taking a sip. "I hate coffee," she added, tipping it onto the floor.
The younger one had thrown away her coffee and used her super writing powers to change it into cocoa with marshmallows.
"I rather enjoyed this chapter," Said the younger one. "We didn't expose our ignorance once."
"It is egotystical how we keep writing ourselves into the story though," Said the older one.
"Yes, but...we're special." Said the younger one, pouring more marshmallows into her cocoa.
"Hmm... it's about two o clock in the morning," Said the older one, her red hair flashing in the flickering shadows cast by a large candle.
"I rather enjoyed the adjectives used in the last sentence," Said the younger one, who wrote it.
"Draco and Harry should be having sex around now, everyone knows they have sex at two am," She responded.
"Yes but they are not having sex right now,' Said the young one. "I mean, it's night time."
"Oh alright, I suppose I'll have to be patient along with everyone else," Said the older Author reluctantly.
"Soon the yule ball will commence," Said the younger one, staring out the window at the starry sky. "Yes, it will be very dramatic."
"Dramatic, funny and climatic - with sexy results!" Cried the older author.
"Sexy results?"
"They said that on the simpsons," Muttered the older one guiltily.
"The tension is so cool," Said the younger one, twirling some of her black hair on her finger. "I mean, Voldemort will be coming to the school tomorrow,"
"And don't forget, Draco and Harry will probably sort out whatever they need to sort out!" Pointed out the red-headed one.
"Really?" asked the young one.
"Think about it," Said the older one. "Issues are always sorted out at the Prom - in movies."
"Hmmm," Said the black-haired one, nodding.
"So, in fanfics they are always sorted out at a ball of some kind."
"You're a genius heather!"
"Well yes, yes i am." Said the red-headed one, with a flattering grin. "And Malfoy of course will wear a blue silk dress, because pink taffetta doesn't go with his complexion."
"But i want him to wear a black trenchcoat like the guy in cruel intentions!" Cried the youngest author.
"Well it's not up to us," Said the older one.
"Yes it is up to us, we're the authors!"
"Look, the audience has had enough of us, they're getting bored, we have to go away and end this chapter!" Cried the red-headed author.
"Oh, so you were trying to say something mysterious,"
"YES!"
"Er...Yeah, It's ...er...not up to us," Said the young black-haired one.
"Because fate will decide!" Cried the older one, throwing her arms into the air.
"Whether true love will prevail," Whispered the younger one.
"Or whether it will not!"
They blew out the candle's flame, plunging the room into darkness. Somewhere a wolf howled, and it was immediately gang raped by Snape.

***