CHAPTER 6 - THE WINTER/SUMMER BALL

The weather was suffering dreadful confusion, in it's dim sort of way it knew that the day should have started with a sticky heart-blazing morning filled with azure skies and the smell of sunscreen. Instead, the weather had an overwhelming urge to drop the temperature and create snow.

At number whatever on Privet drive, the Dursleys were baffled by the sudden snow, while they made their ninth consecutive appearance on Jerry Springer via satelite with their "My nephew is Harry Potter and worships satan, while my son is an abusive obese gay pimp lord" storyline.

"I just got a letter from someone named Mr. U.Know.Who," Said Mr Dursley.

"Oh, is he German?" Said Petunia as several camera men rigged up the system in their kitchen.

"Can't be having these foreign devils… anyway, Mr U know Who says: Dear Mr and Mrs Dursley, I will be killing your nephew Harry potter tonight," Said Mr dursley. "I am telling you now so you can arrange his funeral," He finished, dropping the letter, a baffled expression on his face.

"Oh that's wonderful!" Cried Petunia, throwing some cabbage into the air. "And that was awfully considerate of him warning us in advance!" She added, straightening Dudley's leather pants.

"Yes but I'm not forking over any dosh to bury that boy, he can go in the backyard with Dudley's dead cat," Said Vernon.

"But Vernon! He will ruin my prized Dahlias!" Shrieked Petunia.

"Alright I'll take the day off work to cart his corpse off to the dump, I can't believe the sacrifices I make for that boy…losing a whole day's pay and driving him all the way to the city dump," Grumbled Vernon.

"What an ungrateful boy," Snarled Petunia, nodding at Vernon.

"Are you ready?" Said the camera man.

Dudley swung around the bath tub, his obese body had to sit in order to remain perfectly cool, he was the size of a mini bus.

"Remember to focuss on my sexy titties!" He cried, gesturing to his chicken-grease covered front.

"Oh God," The camera man said with horror.

"Oh come on, you know they're bigger than your wive's! Whooo boy I'm such a sexy man!" He cried, rubbing down his man boobies.

"Yes you are Dudley, and this TV appearance will get you as many girls as you want," Petunia cried.

"Yuck," Said a blonde girl who walked past.

***

We now return to Hogwarts on this chilly morning as the students wake up. Lavender woke up, kicked about ten boys who were (supposedly) gay out of her bed. Hell it was much easier having an orgy with plenty of hot guys when they were all men.

"Lavender wake up!" Squealed Parvati patil, from outside her bed.

"What is it," She said drowsily, smacking the tenth guy in the forhead and trying to go back to sleep.

"The Yule ball is tonight!" She said excitedly. "We're finally going to end this madness!"

"Oh yeah," Lavender mused "Oh fudge, we forgot to get dresses!" She shrieked.

"Lavender, you always walk around in your underwear," Pointed out Parvati.

"Thanks to Draco it's ten degrees outside…I have to cover myself up," Said Lavender.

"Don't worry about it," Said Parvati. "I got a free dress with the one i bought."

"Really?!" Screamed Lavender, ecstatically. "Can i see!?"

"It's in your wardrobe, i stuck it there myself. D'you want to see mine?" She said, running over to her own wardrobe and taking out a stunning magenta dress.

Lavender got out of her bed almost instantaneously and ran to her wardrobe. She opened the door at the speed of light and…

It was the most horrible disgusting abomination of a dress that had ever been created. It was the dress that Nicole Kidman had worn to the last Oscars, the weird grey maid one that all the critics hated!

"AAAAGH!" She screamed. "I can't wear grey, it would look horrible with my complexion!"

"It's not grey, it's Lavender!" I thought you'd like it!" Said Parvati sadly, sniffing.

"Oh so if my name was Shit-Brown you'd expect me to wear that?" Shrieked Lavender.

"Hey that's my name," Said a sleepy Hufflepuff, putting on his pants.

"His last name is brown too? You aren't related to him are you?" Parvati asked.

"No, …hmm, maybe..I'll have to get back to you on that," Said Lavender as Shit Brown left the room.

"Come on, you'll look great," Said Parvati.

"I repeat, I am not wearing that." Said Lavender angrily.

"Then what are you going to wear?" Asked Parvati innocently.

Lavender sat on her bed, looking thoughtful. She briefly debated on going naked, that way she could get a date easily, but it was far too cold, and she didn't want to get frostbite on her lovely delicate toes. Come to think of it, she was sick of Cho Chang's friend Casey calling her a slut.

"Well?" Parvati interrupted.

"Well…I have a plan," Said Lavender evily.

Parvati looked amused. "What exactly?"

Lavender glared at her.

"You and Hermione have to be really mean to me and treat me like a slave," Lavender began.

"Er..." Said Parvati.

"Then I have to be all like "I'm going to the ball huh huh huh or whatever" and then my fairy godmother will show up!" She cried.

"Lavender, there's no such thing as a fairy godmother," Said Parvati.

"This is coming from a girl who uses house elves to give you a massage!" Said Lavender. "Anything in this world is possible."

"But Lavy, fairy godmothers only work for the deserving goody Mary Sues and you're an evil bitch!" Pointed out Parvati.

"True, which is why we need to make this act convincing," Said Lavender.

"Okay, let's try it then, Lavenerella."

***

Time was flying by that day, since there were no classes, Harry had been chatting to Ron about Draco by the fire, and Hermione was reading a book beside the window. Of course they had forgotten all about Hagrid who was probably too busy getting pissed in his cabin to mind that they weren't visiting him, but who cares anyway?

"The thing is Ron, I have just realized that for no particular reason, I'm madly in love with Draco. He's changed into a wonderful person," Said Harry, staring into the fire dramatically. "He's no longer the rude little frogmuncher he was before, he's so polite and quiet and dark and brooding, he hasn't called Hermione a mudblood for ages."

"He called me one yesterday," Said Hermione, barely looking up from her book.

"Oh I'm sure he didn't mean it," Said Harry.

"He screamed it from the rooftop with a magically enhanced voice, then he burnt it into the grass on the quidditch pitch." Hermione stated coldly.

"He was just joking…"

"Then he followed me for seven hours straight screaming 'Hermione is a mud blood' until he lost his voice," She finished gravely.

"I don't care, I love Draco and I want to marry him and have his babies!" Screamed Harry hysterically.

Ron imeditatly jumped up to comfort him.

"Now look what you've done," He said to Hermione furiously.

"Me? He's the one who wants to get with a man whore!" Hermione cried and Harry burst into tears.

"Draco is not a man whore, I LOVE HIM!" Harry cried.

"Oh God, I'm going to go find Dean," Hermione said, rolling her eyes. She reached towards the side of her chair and grabbed her whip.

"I'll be right back" she snickered.

***

The ball was going to start in about three hours and people had already started to get ready.

Wow, this moves fast. Hey, at least we had the decency to write stuff instead of say "The ball was about to start!" without adding any foreground. We are nice authors. Nyeeehh!

Since the boys were now gay they actually took time getting dressed, unlike when they're normal they take a shower for three minutes and throw on any old rag they own and come down to party hard. They were particularly worried about their makeup.

Ron was struggling with his black tie.

Draco just happened to be in the same room with Ron, taunting him about the freckles on his chest.

"Don't knock it til you've tried it," Said Ron defensively.

"I have," Said Draco, sighing.

"Why haven't you got your robes on yet?" Asked Ron.

"I have a...surprise - if you will," Said Draco rather fast, with a mysterious glance to Ron, who was still struggling with his tie.

"UUrargh!" He yelled, throwing it to the ground.

"Oh come here," Said Draco as he stood behind Ron's back, and tied the tie around his neck. "Weasleys and their ties," He snickered.

"I can tie my own tie." Muttered Ron.

"Shut up and hold still."

"Okay."

"Whoopee for inuendos!" Cheered Some Slytherin Chick (some ravenclaw chick's cousin) who was only there to recite a funny line.

Ron tried to hide his grin. "Er, thanks,"

Draco finished tying Weasley's tie in an incredibly suggested way and then kissed him on the nose before dissappearing behind a shower screen. There was a rustled sound of silk, then the curtains were kicked aside.

Ron gaped, his eyes suddenly filled with frilly lacy horror, his eyes fell on the hairy manly legs tottering in high heels, the boyish hips swaddled in fine silk, and finally the wonder bra draco had shoved down his shirt.

"Er…Malfoy, do you think you should be wearing that?" He asked, and Malfoy snapped a lace fan open like a gun shot.

"Pansy says this is what all the rich folk wear," Said Draco in an over-the-top accent.

"But it's a DRESS!" Ron cried.

"I like having some air around my privates, besides if I dress like a girl, I might finally convince Harry to let me polish his broomstick," Said Malfoy mischeivously.

"BUT IT'S A DRESS!"

"I don't know why you're so upset, you wore a dress to our ball in the fourth year," Pointed out Draco.

"I guess I did….no wait a minute, I didn't…" Said Ron, looking adorably confused.

"Oh yes, that was my reocurring nightmare I kept having last year…" Said Draco.

"Just because you're gay doesn't mean you have to wear a dress," Said Ron in his british accent. "Look at me, I'm wearing long white robes with a black tie! Dead Sexy!"

"I want to shock the whole Yule ball with my presence!" Said Draco.

"Then why are you telling me?" Asked Ron, looking hopeful. "Do you …like me, or something?" He started to stare at the ground and his ears went red.

"Why am I telling you?" Said Draco, looking stupid. "Er…good point…"

"You weren't supposed to tell anybody, Draco!" Said the younger author, who flicked Draco's ear from the heavens with her giant hand.

The older Author got a humungous old style pocket watch out and swang it around, wrecking half the room.

"You will forget everything you have heard!" She said to Ron, Draco and any annonymous background characters.

And their eyes went all swirley like in the cartoons!

"And Hermione, you will love Ron again!" Said young black-haired author, appearing to Hermione who was in the grounds, suddenly stunned by the wanna-be-demi-godess before her.

"Shut up!" Said the older one, who flicked the younger one on the ear.

The younger one pouted and sat in the clouds where she feasted on her heavenly Peanut M&Ms.

The older one clicked her fingers and all their eyes stopped being swirley, and they all looked completely shocked as she dissapeared in a puff of smoke.

Hermione who was down in the grounds was stunned also, but then brought back her usual sarcastic look.

"They really ought to stop writing themselves into the fic," She said. "It's sooo egotystical."

"I agree," Said Lavender, who was digging up a pumpkin near her, and was dressed in horrible rags.

"Lavender, why are you down here?" Said Hermione, shocked. "The ball is in three hours!"

"I have to aquire my dress don't I?" Said Lavender. "Ohh, here come Parvati and Ginny, be quiet Hermione!"

Parvati and Ginny were already dressed appropriately as if the ball had already commenced. They were holding scripts and they walked over to Lavender and cleared their throats. Lavender put on a sweet sugary voice.

"Oh, hello dear friends!" She said sweetly. "I cannot wait until the ball!"

"You shall not go to the ball!" Said Parvati dramatically, peeking at the script every two seconds.

"You-shall-not-go!" Said Ginny, reading the script as though she was a four-year-old.

"You have no dress!" Said Parvati. "Your dress has been destroyed by…racoons!"

"By Racoons!" Said Ginny.

"Oh please, there are no Racoons in England," Said Hermione, who had conjured some popcorn out of no where.

Lavender winced but did not reply. She wanted this to go perfect.

"I admit I have no dress," Said Lavender.

"You will not go!" Said Parvati. "You will stay here in the cinders of the fireplace!"

"The fireplace!" Said Ginny dramatically.

"What fireplace?" Said Hermione.

Lavender winced again and didn't reply.

"Oh woe is me!" Cried Lavender, putting the back of her hand on her forhead. "For I had wished dearly to attend the ball!"

"You are not worthy of going to the ball," Said Parvati, turning over the page. "Have fun cleaning."

Ginny scanned the page for any lines she might have but there were none, so she shrugged and walked off with Parvati, who was looking very proud of herself.

Lavender sat down on the filthy ground as the dark clouds moved fast across the sky and Hermione looked curiously at the forest which suddenly seemed to be very dark and windy.

"Oh dear!" Said Lavender softly, almost bringing tears to her eyes. "I guess I will never go to the ball!"

"Yes you will!" Said a voice, and a big dark cloud came in front of them, spinning around like some sort of whirlpool. Who should appear there but - Professor Mcgonnagal?

"Professor?" Cried Hermione in astonishment. "You're Lavender's fairy Godmother?"

"I'm everybody's fairy Godmother," Said Mcgonnagal sternly, crossing her legs and sitting on now small puffy cloud. She had pink fairy wings and light-blue robes. "Now, I suppose you'll be wanting a dress?"

"Er…yes?" Said Lavender.

"Name your favourite dress-length, colour and time period." Said Mcgonnagal lazily.

"Um I like short pink dresses from the sixties!" Cried Lavender.

"A long yellow renaissance dress it is!" Said Mcgonnagal, completely ignoring her.

"Oh crap I HATE the renaissance!" Screamed Lavender.

There was a huge flash of light and Lavender was wearing a beautiful yellow dress with diamonds along the hem and waist.

"This is stupid, the diamonds aren't even real!" Muttered Lavender.

"Now you'll be going with my nephew I suppose?" Asked Mcgonnagal.

"What?"

"Ohhh," Said Hermione. "Isn't he that guy who's the president of the Lord of the Rings fan club and owns his own chain of dorky comic book shops?"

"That's the one." Said Mcgonnagal.

"No - freaking - way!" Screamed Lavender. "Comic book stores are like, totally icksome!"

"He'll pick you up at the bottom of the Griffindor staircase." Said Mcgonnagal, who dissapeared in a puffy purple cloud.

"CRAP!" Screamed Lavender.

***

Harry was about to pick up Ginny for the ball, little did he know that like in all fanfics, Ginny had suddenly become extremely beautiful. It is the rule - in every fanfic, Ginny changes from a skinny dork to a supermodel in less than five minutes. It also helped that she had the very expensive dress Draco bought her. Harry was wearing his ol' bottle green robes with black pants and had brought a small boquet of posies that he had picked from the garden.

Ginny descended the stairs in her gown, looking just like Willow from Buffy the Vampire slayer in the prom episode, all pretty and cute.

"Oh Harry, I've suddenly gotten breasts and my freckles have all disspeared!" She cried joyfully.

"That's nice," He said, a bored expression on his face.

"It's soo great because I hate the ones on my shoulders," She said chirpily. "This ...is the happiest moment of my life!" She giggled as she snatched the posies, linked arms with harry and proceeded to skip downstairs.

"I wish you had a penis," Said Harry.

"Um sorry?" Said Ginny. "I didn't catch that, what did you say?"

"I said...Do you think Ron would mind if I ...fondled you a bit?" Asked Harry quietly.

Ginny giggled her head off.

"Well yeah...and Fred and George would probably hang you up from the quidditch hoops by your underpants." She giggled.

"Well can I fondle you when we're near draco?" Asked Harry desperately.

"Well...um..." Said Ginny, her face was scarlet and her giggling was uncontrolable.

"I'll take that as a yes," Said Harry. "C'mon, let's go."

***

Draco had gotten out his Mary Sue Malfoy wig out again...

"Oh great, just what i need," Said Pansy with annoyance as Malfoy came out of his dormitory and kissed her hand. "Now i look like a bloody lesbian."

"Well everybody thinks you are anyway," Sneered Draco. "How do I look?"

"But....you're dressed like a girl!" Cried Pansy. "Gay guys are hot because they wear tight pants that show off their sexy asses!"

"I am going like a girl so I can WIN HARRY!"

"How can i look at your hot hot ass if it's under a poofy dress?" She added hysterically. "Please, please can't you change it?"

"I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for Harry." Said Draco, looking annoyed.

"But if Harry's gay right now, he'll have no interest in you wearing a dress."

"HARRY'S GAY?" Screamed Draco.

"Er…yeah?"

"Oh, alright!" he said, and he ripped all his clothes off so he was stark naked. "Goodbye petticoat!" He cried.

"Mother Goose!" Cried Parvati, looking down at his...er...stuff. "You're smaller than a garden gnome!"

"Shut up." Sneered Draco, and he ran back into his dormitory to find some sexy sexy gay-man clothes.

"Why are you here?" Pansy asked Parvati furiously.

"I've never seen a penis before and i wanted to know incase there was something wrong with Bobby Bigstaff's one tonight." She said quietly, and walked off.

Pansy blinked. Yes, blinked. "I'm pretty sure that was a sock, not a penis." She muttered to herself, referring to Draco's ample improvements.

Draco came out uncertainly.

"Oh my!" Cried Pansy.

He was wearing a tight black shirt with dark pants and a long leather trench coat, with his hair all gelled back…in fact, he looked almost exactly like a younger version of Spike from Buffy. He walked uncertainly into the room and looked at a mirror on the wall, turning around and checking if his pants looked good.

"How do I look?" He asked, straightening his jacket.

"Draco…you look…so …wow…" Panted Pansy. "Can…can I please please kiss your cheekbones?"

Draco looked bemused for a moment. "I'd prefer that you didn't." He muttered.

***

"Chori Chori Chori!" sang a tribe of indian sex gurus who were entertaining at the ball.

"Ohhh I cannot stand this any longer," Muttered Lucius, who was outside with Voldemort, gone incognito. "Please please can we attack?" He added.

"Not yet," Said Voldemort. "We have to lure him outside. Remember the note, Lucius."

"But I can't stand that Chori Chori Chori crap any longer!" Muttered Lucius with a tinge of annoyance to his voice.

"What, how dare you!" Screeched Voldemort. "It's a fantastic song, you sick bastard!" He attempted to perform Avada Kadavra but instead turned him into a waffle iron. Since waffle irons would be useless in this mission unless he wanted a waffle, which was very unlikely as Voldemort did not like them, he switched him back to a human, which made everyone sad because the death eaters wanted waffles.

Lucius looked annoyed and threatened. "I'm sorry for questioning you, my lord."

"You damn well better, next time I'll do the cruciatus curse until you cry like a little three-year-old girl."

"Sir, when shall the plan commence then?" Asked Vincent Crabbe's father.

"As soon as they come outside." Said Voldemort ingeniously. "The spell I have cast upon them will become far more intense at around eleven O'clock."

"For a while I thought Mr Potter was too Pure to fall under the spell, for as you know, the filthiest souls become infected with the enchantment first." Said Goyle's father.

"Oh no, Potter's a perve." Began Lucius.

"All who is not a perve raise their hands." Said Voldemort impatiently.

All of the death eaters slowly raised their hands, all blushing. Voldemort grinned. "Do not underestimate my spell, Lucius."

"Now let's go eat cake, icecream and boogie the night away!" He cried, revealing a very stylish pair of day glow sneakers.

"Yay yay yay yay yay yay yay!" All the death eaters screamed, as the indian trible chorus swelled!

***

There was only one word that could best describe Seth Hazza Biggerstaff, and that was Sexy.

With chestnut brown hair that flowed in the breeze, gorgeous broad arms and endless Hazel eyes that looked like shining opals in the night time, he was probably the most gorgeous boy Lavender had ever seen. As she cascaded down the steps to meet him, she opened her mouth to timidly say hi, but was frozen by his dazzling Brad Pitt smile.

"OH MY GOD!" She squealed. "Let's skip the ball and screw like bunnies!"

"Ten points from griffindor for being a dirty whore," Said Severus who walked past, arm in arm with professor Sinistra.

Seth proceeded to link arms with Lavender who was swooning like a fan girl on Ben Affleck, and walked down the hall.

"Hello Seamus," She cried.

"Holy shit, your date is hot!" Seamus cried, obviously jealous.

"Yes, unlike you, I'm taking a real man," She said glancing at Seamus's date Cho's friend Casey.

"Actually judging by my butch hair I'm pretty sure I'm a guy too," said Casey.

Everyone looked at Casey.

"What, no one ever said I was female!" the suddenly male Casey pointed out.

"Casey how could you!" Snapped Cho, looking flabbergasted.

"Excuse me!" Whimpered Casey as he/she ran out crying.

"Heh, I wonder if he has a penis or not," Remarked Seth.

"He speaks!" Whispered Lavender, rubbing her head against his manly chest. "Ohhh what a gorgeous voice he has..."

"You know, you remind me of Arwen from Lord of the Rings, beautiful, graceful and sexy." Said Seth.

"I've never read Lord of the Rings," Said Lavender, almost impressed, but smiled anyway. "At least you're right about the beautiful part!"

"Like Rogue from Xmen, she has awesome knockers." He swooned.

Lavender looked down at her breasts.

"Well they are the size of basketballs, but I wouldn't call them 'Rogue'," She remarked, slightly confused.

"And your hips are very... mmm, super..." He said, licking his lips. "As in Super girl super."

"...Uh...uh huh." She said, slightly weirded out. He escorted her to one of the many circular tables and got her a small glass of punch.

"You know, after this ball, we can go up to your room and...get kinky."

"Hmm Kinky," Said Lavender, taking a sip from her punch, trying to look alluring.

"You could be Catwoman, and teach me how to go PUR MROWW!" He CRIED, and he actually Miowed! "And when we engage in intercourse, i want you to refer to me as Capitain Kirk, or Doctor Spok," He added huskily.

"Or Superman," Said Lavender, starting to lose interest. "As in, faster than a speeding bullet."

"Ohhh yeah baby, you know you want it." He purred.

"You know, just because I'm the school whore doesn't mean I don't have standards," Lavender pointed out angrily. "I don't screw geeky closet fan boys!" She added firmly and tipped the punch on his head.

"Wow!" He breathed, letting the punch absorb into his skin delightfully. "You remind me of Mary Jane from Spiderman! You have limits but you're still sexy and --"

"OH GOD YOU PISS ME OFF!" She screeched, breaking some of the glasses with her voice. "So let's shut up and dance!" She said, dragging him onto the floor.

"Whatever you say, Mary jane!"

***

Harry had been sitting alone at the table munching on some fizzing whizbees while Ginny was making herself pretty in the toilets with pretty much the whole population except Ron, who came to sit next to him.

"Ron, I hope you don't mind me taking your sister to the ball," Said Harry before Ron could even say hello.

Ron was surprised at this sudden outburst and didn't reply for a few seconds.

"Well actually I was going to come over here to ask if you would fancy a ...er...never mind," Said Ron. "Why would i feel bad that you're taking Ginny?"

Harry looked angsty and sad.

"Because...I'm going to...fondle her in front of Draco."

"You're going to WHAT!" Yelled Ron, but since the whole population of the school was in the toilets nobody heard. Of course Ron didn't realise Ginny would love to see Harry fondle Draco in front of her. It was her christmas wish!

"It's to get Draco jealous and like me…" Said Harry quickly.

"I don't care!" said Ron. "Nobody fondles my sister, not even you!"

"But it's for Draco!"

"Just because i'm gay doesn't mean i don't care about my sister!" Cried Ron.

"Why do you have to react like this? It's just a little bum squeeze!" Said Harry.

"Listen it's the rule! Every motion picture or good fanfic the friends always have to have a fight and make up before the end of the movie or fanfic!" Shouted Ron, poking Harry angrily in the chest.

"So what's the point of fighting if we're only going to make up?"

"What's the point of waking up if you're only going to go back to sleep!" Shouted Ron.

"Hmm good point..." Said Harry.

"I'm leaving this conversation Harry," Said Ron dramatically. "And one more thing..."

"...What?"

"...What's a movie?"

"It's pictures that move, Ron." Harry said quietly.

"Pictures already move," Said Ron.

"Alright, it's really big moving pictures with lots of half naked ladies."

"Right. Thankyou." Ron said, storming off.

***

Remus J Lupin had been hiding from Professor Mcgonnagal for at least ten minutes. He couldn't stand her making those stupid innuendo jokes anymore. ("It's not the size of the wand, it's the magic inside.")

So he had taken refuge outside on one of the greek marble chairs overlooking the glow in the dark pixie-inhabited garden. He was also very disturbed because Professor Mcgonnagal had taken a youth charm and now looked exactly like Faith from Buffy the vampire slayer. He sat there alone, looking at the water in the lake sparkling beautifully. He felt a longing to find somebody to share this with, just somebody to talk to amidst all this beauty... but he was alone... all alone. Just like always.

He was used to being alone...after all, who...who could ever ...well...love a werewolf? A monster, capable of killing them or ruining their lives with just one blood thirsty bite? Yes, was destined to be alone, alone forever.

"Hello sexy thang!" A voice cried.

Remus turned around, recognising his voice, but frowned at the sight of him.

"Sirius…you're not gay," He pointed out.

"Well I wasn't like ten minutes ago, but as soon as I got on the Hogwarts grounds I suddenly became attracted to men!" Said Sirius happily.

"Sirius, i can't believe you're here," Said Remus timidly, looking at the swaying grass under his feet.

"Why are you out here all alone?" Asked Sirius, sitting down next to him. "You should be in there partying like an animal"

"I'm better off alone," Said Lupin sadly. "Because like you said, i am an animal."

"I never said that, that must have been another fanfic." Sirius said.

"But you just said that just then--" Said Lupin, but Sirius put a hand over his mouth and shut him up.

"Remus, this place is so romantic," He whispered gruffly, and saw that Lupins eyes were locked on his. He released Lupin's mouth.

"Sirius?" Said Remus, coming closer.

"Oh Remus, right now i'd give all the galleons in the world to ...kiss you..." He whispered.

"Sirius..."

"But the fact is that...." Said Sirius. "I really, really need to crap dude..."

"...excuse me?!"

"Hey, i have been on the run and i haven't wiped my ass properly in years!" Cried Sirius, running out of the scene and behind the walls.

"YOU BASTARD!" Remus cried

"You called?" Snape cried prancing into the room in his skin tight leather outfit.

"Severus!" Screamed Remus.

"Oh Remus, I love screwing you so much despite the fact that in the books we hate each other," He said. "And everyone assumes we must have once had some sort of relationship even though it's never been indicated at all!"

"Oh Severus, just shut up and kiss me!"

***

"Aaaand you knoww that we love to shaake it...it's better than to BAAAAAKE IIITTT!!!" Sang Celestina Warbeck, who was on the stage, dancing in her short sparkly dress. All the boys were going mental of course, not because of her short dress but...come on, every gay guy loves Celestina Warbeck. And to tell the truth, they all wanted to wear her dress.

"Shake it bake it you know you wanna Make it, Rake it, Wake it, bake a CAKE IT" She sang.

"The words are so deep and meaningful," Said Professor Flitwick. "They make you reflect on your past."

"You mean you were a shake and bake baker?" Asked Professor Sinistra.

"Yes, those were the days," He muttered sadly. "Where's your date?"

"Outside having a threesome with a crapping dog and a werewolf," Said Sinistra, chugging her Vodka straight from the bottle.

Because in all the fanfics Sinistra is always a gorgeous tortured Woman who spends her time drinking or smoking. No one ever thinks she might be duh duh duh MALE.

"Eh?" Said Sirius who was drinking a bottle of Brandy behind them.

"OH MY GOD IT'S SIRIUS BLACK!" Flitwick squealed, pissing his pants.

"Aw Shit!" Muttered Sirius, dropping the bottle of Brandy and running outside. After all, he hadn't partied in a while and after his deserved bowel-exercising he forgot he was a convicted criminal. He returned five minutes later wearing a false beard and a moustache. Everyone ignored him, despite the face it was possibly the most pathetic disguise ever.

The students however, were dancing to a slow song by Andromeda and the Gorgonias. Professor Mcgonnagal had decided to rid the ball of Celestina because of her gay encouragement. She had been sent to Antarctica where she immediately died from exposure of her midriff.

Ginny looked like she was having the time of her life, with her arms around Harry's neck, swinging slowly in time to the beat. Ron looked as bored as possible, with his arms around Some Ravenclaw Chick who was going on about her long and noble family history at the top of her voice, which she had really ripped off Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

"So my dad, Giles and my brother Xander are both gay lovers," She said.

"Uh that's really interesting." Said Ron.

"They once gave birth to a vampire named angel!" she cried.

"Who the hell would call a vampire angel." Said Ron.

"Well they were gay weren't they? Soooo anyway I had this cousin named Dawn--"

And Lavender was extremely fed up with her date, but was trying to impress Seamus by dancing with Seth. She had to keep slapping Seth's hand which kept crawling ever so slowly down to her rear end.

"There will be no touching of my sweet ass whlile the panties are on thank you!" She said.

Meanwhile Seamus was sobbing uncontrollably because dominatrix Hermione was leading a very horny Dean around on a leash…or at least Dean wished she was. Hermione was actually sipping some punch on a chair, sitting with her legs crossed and looking dignified.

"No," She snapped, when Dean begged her to...y'know.

"Why won't you whip me?" he cried.

"It's for the bedroom, Dean," She said.

"But the thought of you embarassing me in front of all these people is so KINKY!" Dean cried.

"You are one sick puppet," Said Whoremione.

She conjured a red ball with her wand, and threw it across the room and out the door so it landed in the lake. She took Dean's collar and pulled his face up to hers, and whispered.

"Fetch."

"You can't expect me to...oh...RUFF RUFFF!!!" Woofed Dean as he ran off into the distance.

Hermione put her wand back in her moulin rougish leg-stocking thing, and waved to Ron when he walked by.

"Having fun with some ravenclaw chick?" She asked sweetly.

"Yeah her cousin Dawn is married to a vampire named Spike and they're next door neighbours to her gay parents." Said Ron Snidely.

Thankfully Some Ravenclaw chick had got chatting to Cho's friend Casey so Ron got an excuse to come over and sit with Hermione.

"I hate this ball, I hate this scenario, I hate this angst, I hate everything." Pouted Ron.

"Well it's your fault for being gay," Said Hermione sweetly, crossing her arms. "And stop pouting Ron, it's embarassing."

"I can't help being gay, Hermione."

"Yes you can, everyone knows we are supposed to get together so I can see your hot bottom every day." Said Hermione.

"We could always have a scam marriage," Said Ron.

"I'm not interested, I'm with Dean now."

"Yes I saw Seamus trying to kill himself,"

"He'll get over it."

"What, killing himself?"

"Yes, when he's dead," Whoremione replied.

"'Mione, why can't things just go back to the way they were?" Asked Ron sadly. "Before everything was so complicated?"

"Because you were an immagure pratt who new nothing about sex and I'm a woman with NEEDS!" Screamed Whoremione.

"But I'm gorgeous and innocent..Gorgeous and innocent and willing to try new things!...Apart from Gay-ism. So why am I gay?" Said Ron, with a spotlight shining on him. Wow what a performance. He'll get another Oscar for that one.

"Ron, where are you going to put all your Oscars?" Lavender asked as she sashayed past with Seth.

"Oh I was thinking about putting them in my pants to make myself look bigger," Said Ron.

"HAH!" malfoy laughed, dancing past with Pansy.

"Hermione, are we going to make up or what?" Asked Ron, ignoring Malfoy and putting a hand on her shoulder.

"…No, that's a little corny." Said Hermione.

"Hermione this isn't going anywhere," Said Ron. "I have to tell you something."

"What." She said. "Is it a mystery? We haven't figured out a mystery in a long time."

"You want a mystery? Then figure out for me why I'm gay."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know why I'm gay. I just woke up one day and I found myself staring at A photo of Oliver wood."

"You're gay because you're under a spell," Hermione said flatly.

"I am?" Cried Ron, making the whole room stop whatever they were doing and stare at him.

Ron looked into Hermione's eyes.

****

A particular set of devious red-headed twins were dressed in black robes.

"Alright, we need to practise being gay death eaters," Said Fred.

"Why?" Said George.

"I'm not sure, I never got that far in the plan," Said Fred.

"How is this going to break the Gay spell?" Asked George. "Do we go in there, pretend we're death eaters, find a spell book and cast the counter curse?"

"Will you shut up, there is no logical expanation!" Screamed Fred. He pushed back his cloak.

"How do I look?" He asked.

Their dates to the ball, two members of the Griffindor Quidditch team nodded with approval.

"Very gay," They said, taking in the hot pink leather pants.

"Remember to practise your lisp," Said Angelina, giving Fred a kiss on the cheek. "And be careful."

"Hey, that's George!" Said Fred, looking outraged.

"Oh...yeah...heh...my mistake.." Said Angelina with shifty eyes.

"God speed!" Said Katie Bell, giving George a hug.

"Why does everybody like GEORGE!?" Cried Fred.

"Oh shut up honey," Said Angelina, who started to walk off with Angelina.

"I didn't know Angelina had a twin with the same name," Said George.

"Well not much has been revealled about her in the books has there?" Said Fred.

"I think it was an authors mistake actually." Said George.

"No, I cloned her in her sleep, I can't have just one!" said Fred.

"You cloned my girlfriend?" George cried.

"YOUR GIRLFRIEND!?" Screamed Fred. "I thought she was MY girlfriend!"

"Er…yeah…heh…yours…" Said George looking shifty eyed.

"Wait, who am I again?" Said Fred, or was it George?

"Being a twin sucks sometimes," Said the other twin.

"Hear hear!"

"We need personalities!" they both cried.

The red headed author laughed evily. Suddenly Fred had an eyebrow ring and loved alternative music, and suddenly George had acne and loved Lord of the Rings.

"WHY AM I A DORK!?" George cried.

"Because George is a dorkier name," Said the red headed author.

George threw away his 'one ring to rule them all' where it was picked up by Dobby who yelled "PRESCIOUS!" And ran away cackling evily.

Suddenly a deep voice disturbed their moment. "Who goes there?"

"HELLOOOOOO DARLINGTH IT'TH UTH!" Fred cried.

"Yeth!" Said George, pronouncing his lisp perfectly.

"Oh, come in, come in." Said the death eater.

In the tower, the death eaters were drinking hot chocolate and playing strip twister.

It was then that Fred noticed something was a little scary about this place, and he would rather not be here. Perhaps it was Peter Pettigrew's head on a pike in front of their hide out.

"He refused to play boggle with the master" said Lucius.

In the centre of the room, Voldemort sat, with Lockhart dressed in a ballerina costume at his feet. Lockhart was looking distaint and a little stoned, muttering things with a big grin on his face like "Play with the pony."

"What are you doing here," Said Voldemort, stroking Lockhart's curly locks by the fire.

"Er…your mightineth…we are just here to inthorm you that Harry Potter is inthide the building and should be killed!" Said Fred, a little freaked at the way Lockhart was smiling.

"Yeth!" Said George with a perfect lithp.

"Really?" Said Voldemort, not impressed. "And you're death eaters?"

"Yeth," Said Fred.

"Well I think you are imposters," Said Voldie. "Because the word 'inform' is not pronounced with a lisp."

"Er...oh," Said George, looking shifty eyed.

"And why aren't you talking with a lisp?" Fred asked Voldie angrilly, completely forgetting about his fake lisp.

"Because I'm the head villain." Said Voldie in his evil voice. "The villain always has a freaky voice, not a funny voice….besides, who said I was gay?" He asked, scandalised.

"Well you're currently using Gilderoy Lockhart as your personal puppy my lord," Said Lucius

"He's a MAN!?" Voldemort screamed hysterically.

"Oh shut up you're not fooling anyone," Said an annonymous henchman in the background.

"Avada kedavra!" Voldemort shrieked.

All the death eaters looked embarassed.

"Sir, you're not holding your wand," Said Lucius.

"Don't you know anything?" Cried Voldemort. "The mighty Voldemort is always a mage with super powers who doesn't need a wand!"

The death eaters looked at the dead henchman on the ground and gave frightened giggles.

"Sieze them!" Cried Voldemort, and immediately Fred and George were tied up before they could unleash any spell or a deadly pack of dungbombs.

"Oh woe is me, we are not supposed to get into dangerous situations!" Fred cried.

"Yes we're supposed to leave the dangerous stuff to Harry, and are supposed to sit around and tell jokes when people are close to having sex," George said.

"At least we wish," Muttered Fred

***

Suddenly!

A really crap song came up on the DJ circuit which had replaced the live entertainment, and Harry and Draco who had been drinking too much "Hot Chocolate" really needed to go pee. Because they are filthy and disgusting boys, it would never occur to them to use the toilets at Hogwarts, so they both decided to go outside and pee in bushes. Because everyone knows there's nothing gay about two grown men peeing next to each other.

"Well hello Harry," Said Draco, pulling up his ball gown.

"Since when were you wearing a ball gown." Said Harry.

"I'm not." Said Draco, and Harry noticed Draco was never wearing a ball gown in the first place. And the X-files music began to play.

"Nice dick by the way." Said Draco.

"Oh yes, I put exfoliating cream on it," Said Harry.

Because we've never seen a boys peeing session, this is what we assume men say to each other.

"Hmm makes it all slippery," Draco mused.

"If I didn't know better I'd say you were trying to hit on me," Said Harry, sticking his nose in the air and zipping up his pants. Usually at this point of the story it would be indicated that Harry got his broomstick caught in the zipper to make the beginning of the story worth-while and ironic, but that's not what happened… we just wanted to give the fourteen-year-old fangirls what they want, false hope. So for the fan girls, imagine a future where the two shag like bunnies, Harry magically gets pregnant and they live happily ever after…with err…puppies and kittens thrown in for the cute factor. Even though that is far, very far from what really happens…oh my yes…

Harry looked out into the dark prettiness and wondered when all this bullcrap would end, after all he was still recovering from the sad chapter. He also noticed that in the flicker of the moonlight Draco was stunningly beautiful. Not handsome, beautiful.

"How is this possible, though?" Asked Harry, turning to Draco in unforseen angst. "We ...we hate each other..."

Draco shrugged.

"Just go with it," He said.

"I demand to know what is going on!" Said Harry firmly.

"Well - er, I know everything…er…my father at the ministry is very popular and of course I am great and pure blood so… It must be my irrisistable looks and great personality!" Said Draco. Harry looked away. Draco shrugged again. "Okay fine, to be honest I have no idea."

"Hey fag, can I ask you a question?" Asked Harry, rather rudely.

"Nobody calls Draco Malfoy a fag!" Spat Draco. "Okay fine what is it."

"Why do people always describe you as being beautiful when you're a guy?" He asked.

"Oh, I'm part Veela, didn't you know?" Said Draco. "I'm always part Veela in slash fics."

"Then shouldn't you be a skipping little nancy boy?" Asked Harry curiously.

"Your point being?"

At the risk of annoying Draco, Harry changed the subject at the speed of light, wondering if he was ever going to get a straight answer.

"Draco...I've been thinking." Began Harry.

He turned back to the endless pretty scenery, the lake glittering in the moonlight, the tiny glowing pixies perving on them and the plants swaying in the breeze.

"Oh isn't this scene lovely, I want Draco to be my boyfriend!" The red headed author cried, she was very moved by the younger author's writing.

"Well if you're in love with a book character then you're a sad little puppy," Said the younger one, turning up her nose.

"Shut up," Said the older one, and they vanished again into the clouds.

"Did you just see two incredibly attractive godesses fly into the clouds?" Asked Draco.

"I'm trying to communicate my feelings towards you in a non-gay manner and you're paying attention to two sexy bitches in the clouds!" Cried Harry, making the crickets chirp.

"Well they are very sexy," Said Draco. "Especially the red headed one with her new hair cut, Mrrowww," He meowed.

"I've been thinking that, my ...interest, purely platonic, in you might be...er..." Said Harry, trying to think of a sophisticated word.

"Coincidental?" Said Draco. The master of sophisticated words.

"Draco, I think i'm just confused," Said Harry. "I don't think I..I.."

"Hmm?" Said Draco, finally looking at him.

"I'm CONFUSED!" Cried Harry.

"Oh isn't that nice," Said Draco and the musical orchestra began to swell. "Why are you confused? Isn't it clear that you're gay and you care about me?"

Draco looked into Harry's eyes and saw angst and sadness and all that crap.

"AAAAAWWWWW!" Everyone squealed.

"I don't know, I hate you, I've always hated you!!" Harry snapped. "You annoy the living hell out of me…but… for some reason..." Harry trailed off.

"Then...kiss me," Said Draco quietly. "Just do it, and find out once and for all."

Harry was silent.

"...No." He whispered. "I wouldn't be able to bear it."

"Just do it you pansy!" Yelled Draco.

"But what about Cho --"

"You'll only find out if you kiss me."

"Why don't you do it?"

"It has to be you! It's more dramatic this way!" Cried Draco, shaking Harry's shoulders angrily. "Do it!"

It was the sexiest sexual tension ever, it was so sexy it'd make your panties EXPLODE.

Harry dared to look up. He looked into Draco's cold grey eyes.

"Oh...Okay...just once," Said Harry.

Harry put one hand up against Draco's cheek and smiled uncertainly...he closed his eyes, pulled his face closer to his and...

"HEY, THERE ARE STUDENTS IN MY MAKE OUT SPACE!" Screamed Professor Snape, interrupting their prescious moment.

"Severus, that's very rude of you!" Said Lupin.

"Oh shut up Honey," Said Snape. "Or I'll punish you."

"Then I'll keep on talking!" He cried with a jolly grin.

"Oh no, my father figure is sleeping with Snape!" Harry said, staring at Lupin.

"Excuse me, we are trying to have an emotionally big thing here!" Draco cried.

"Well excuse me Mr Malfoy but I booked this space for our sex spot, do you have prior documentation to prove you have booked it?" Snape asked.

"Go away Snape or I'll have my father fire you." Said Draco. "Now Harry, where were we? Oh yeah, kiss meh."

"Actually I think I heard Ron calling," Said Harry awkwardly, and he got up and left.

"Is that the best excuse you've got!?" Draco screamed. "YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"

"Ten points from Slytherin for uttering an over PG-13 profanity," Said Lupin, slowly and clearly.

"Who made you the boss?" Spat Snape.

Harry eyed him evily and walked inside the building, and the sexiness was felt across the universe.

As Lupin and Snape were fighting over whether they should give up the spot or not (Lupin wanted Harry to have the spot,) Draco sat there alone, looking at the misty clouds over the lake.

"...Dammit!"

***

The girls had carefully planned this moment, for it was the most crucial point in this insane story. It was the time when all the neferious plot was about to be revealed. Of course socialising was fun and everything, but you honestly didn't think that the girls thought a bit of dancing would cure everything? I think not!

Silence stretched across the ballroom.

"Oooh we must be up to a crucial plot development, let's get good seats!" Lavender squealed, dragging her date who's so lame we cannot remember his name forward.

"They're gonna announce the Prom Queen!" Squealed Ginny.

"Ginny, this is Britain, we do not have Prom Queens," Hermione replied tiredly.

"You mean I bought this crown for nothing?" Ron cried, thoroughly upset that his opportunity to be a Prom Queen had been ruined.

Suddenly, a rather boyish girl with short hair who was wearing a feminine tuxedo walked onto the stage.

"That's that lesbian Hannah Abbot, everyone knows she's gay because she's got short hair," Lavender muttered, a-matter-of-factly.

"And that's your only reason?" Asked Hermione.

"Though real lesbians are stereotyped by tongue rings and greasy hair, all lesbians in fanfiction can be immediately recognised by short hair and dykey outfits, of course they're very rare because female fanfic writers prefer to masturbate over gay boys," Lavender replied.

"Lavender, don't say icky things!" Said Ginny who was now being her sickly sweet self again.

"This is coming from the girl who was willing to suck face with Cho ten minutes ago," Lavender pointed out.

"Ahherm!" Hannah Cleared her throat. "May i have your attention please."

The people filling the room who were all laughing at Ginny composed themselves and shut up. Hannah started to sweat.

"Er....is everybody having a good time tonight!" She said.

"Yaahhh!" Came the cries of a few drunken slytherin girls.

"I'm having a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious time!" Said Seth Hazza Biggerstaff. Lavender slapped his arm and they all looked towards Hannah.

"Er...as you know...um...most of you are gay." Said Hannah.

"Yaaaaaah!" Came alot of cheers from the guys.

"Oh well spotted," Said Hermione acidly.

"The thing is, you are all under a spell." She said clearly.

The boys looked blank.

"You're just saying that because you're a lesbian!" Seamus Finnigan roared.

"I am not, why does everybody keep saying that?" Hannah asked.

"That long fringe bits and short hair thing went out ages ago," Said Angelina, as Alicia Spinett threw a used tissue at hannah.

"YOU DEMENTED FAGGOTS!" Roared Hannah at the top of her voice. The room turned dark as though there were storm clouds in the room, and her black hair started flying as though it were windy. Her eyes went as red as fire. "Now, you will all SHUT UP AND PAY ATTENTION!"

Her voice was like that of a banshee and it echoed around the now imediately silent room.

"Er…alright then," Dean said nervously.

Neville began to suck his thumb.

"Now," She said, the room turning back to normal, and her voice now pleasant. "You boys are all under a spell," She repeated. "To of course turn you homosexual."

They listened.

"We girls formed an alliance to put you back to normal. We suspect that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is behind this, and is probably trying to turn Harry Potter gay, so he'll attempt suicide because of angst and You-Know-Who Will be rid of him."

Everybody turned to Harry in shock.

"Eh don't act so surprised," He said, shrugging. "I already tried it in chapter three."

"Oh yes, the sad chapter," the authors fondly remembered.

"Hermione has been searching in the new Hogsmeade Library which has been conveniantely placed so the authors could seem creative--- er i mean so we could have advanced research --" Said Hannah. "And the name of the curse is...too hard to pronounce."

"And besides the incantation goes for about half an hour," Hermione Whispered knowlegably to Ginny.

"I am here to inform you that the fight is not over yet," Said Hannah. "The time will come that we will meet this evil, and we will defeat it!"

"THAT'S FROM LORD OF THE RINGS!" Cried Lavender's date, jumping to his feet.

"Every author steals something from Lord of the Rings at some point of the fanfic," Said Hermione. "It makes them seem smart."

"We all hate you, just so you know," Said Lavender.

"And we hate you too, sweetheart," Said all the boys at the same time, making her blush angrily.

"We have two agents who are on our side, fighting for their and our lives as we speak," Said Hannah Dramatically.

"My Georgie? ---Er i mean Fred--" Said Angelina, looking embarassed and shifty-eyed.

"Er yeah i think that's them." Said Hannah. "We have decided to break the spell or die trying!" Screamed Hannah, ripping her shirt off. She got a little too excited and forgot she had breasts. Fortunately for everyone she had lots of clothes on underneath so nobody had to see anything. And all the lesbians cried, including Kim Burk from the Hey Arnold forum, because she's a bitch, and nobody will ever know which author wrote that bit because there was an interruption of an explosive kind!