CHAPTER SEVEN - CHO IS AN EVIL WHORE BAG
"Hey kids, Cho's an evil hoe bag!" Said the red-headed author, dressed like a news reporter.
"Really?" Asked the younger one, blinking her silver eye shadow covered eyes.
"Oh yes dear, since Order of the Phoenix, we've come to this realization," Said the older author. "By the way, great eyeshadow!"
"So before we get back to this hillarious parody, we would like to warn everybody who is reading this," Said the younger one. "There are spoilers ahead."
"And if you don't want the fifth book spoilt, which believe me, you DON'T," Said the older one. "You'll stop right NOW."
"We have given this chapter an S rating, which does not refer to sex." Said the young one.
"Eh there probably will be sex in this chapter but the S refers to SPOILERS," Said the red-headed author, and a giant 'S' flashed on the screen.
"You have been warned..." Said the younger one, as the two authors vanished behind a black veil. Not the black veil from the fifth book of course, cos then they would be dead and that would be very sad.
***
The explosion rocked through the foundations of the school as the Hufflepuff tower turned into an explosion of sequins and feather boas.
"Oooh pretty," Parvati whispered.
"It reminds me of the exotic dancing I used to do," Mused Lavender.
"The school is being destroyed!" Cried Professor Flitwick. "We're all going to die!"
A huge piece of concrete fell on top of Flitwick, and he spoke no more.
"NOOOO!!" Screamed several students.
"Woo hoo!" Cried the students who had no more charms homework.
"I suppose he could be brought back to life," Snape remarked dryly, straightening his pants.
"But he's the first tragic casualty in this story!" Sinistra pointed out. "And where have you been Severus? You're supposed to be my date!"
"There's no tomorow children!" Cried McGonnagal, running across the room amidst all the screaming students.
"Yeah, let's party like it's nineteen ninety nine!" Cried some ravenclaw chick.
"It's nineteen ninety nine if we go by canon dates," Said Ron, rolling his eyes.
Concrete fell from the heavens, bashing brainless students in their thin skulls. They fell writhing and screaming, blood trickling down their pretty dress robes.
"OH THE TRAGEDY!" Remus cried as blood fell on the melting ice sculptures.
"REMUS!" Cried McGonnagal. "Remus, we're all going to die!"
"Minerva, stay close to me," Said Lupin, whom we all love. "It'll be alright, just don't panic!"
"Oh Remus, dare I live out the worldwide fan girl dream?" Cried Minerva, taking hold of his hands. "Remus, Oh Remus!" Her breasts quivering in the sexy fanfic light.
"Er," Said Lupin, blushing.
"Remus, I love you, everyone loves you, you're just so gorgeous and angsty and --- Oh Remus! Let's subtract our clothes, divide our legs and multiply!" Cried Minerva.
"Eeeeew," Said everybody.
"Er…" Said Remus. "I'd love to Minerva but I'm afraid I don't have a condom."
"Oh that's alright I went through menapause seven years ago," She said carelessly.
"Oh well I-- the full moon's coming up soon and--"
"WHO CARES, REMUS!" She screamed, tears streaming out her eyes. "WE ONLY LIVE ONCE!"
"But we are in the middle of a ballroom filled with children!" He pointed out desperately.
Minerva's eyes went very round. She then stood up straight, fixing up her now very messy hair.
"Oh, you're right, we cannot show indecent behaviour in front of the students,"
"'Ey Mcgonnagal, fancy a shag?" Came the raspy voice of Hagrid.
"Sod off."
"Yep, alrightey then." He said, and he walked off all jolly and drunk. He then walked into a brick wall and passed out. Everyone laughed at him while he threw up his liver.
***
Back in the evil death eaters tower, our favourite twins were being taken captive in the highest room, which was made of stone with one small window and a wooden door. They were originally tied together with rope, but Fred had blasted it in half with a well placed rope blasting spell. Now was the time to be talking about ways to escape, as they discussed it quietly, trying to think of the craziest plan thinkable, suddenly a door magically appeared behind them. Voldie stood there grinning evily, with Lockhart behind him, looking distant.
Fred and George realised they had to escape, however they were not quite sure how. There were so many zany ideas they could've come up with, but since they had to be spontaneous, they thought of something else. Suddenly, it occurred to them… they decided to transfigure Voldemort's wand into a fish.
"Fisherio!" George cried.
"Er, George?"
"Yes, Fred?"
"Voldemort ditched his wand, he's a mage now, remember?" Cried Fred.
"Oh fuck." George squealed. "RUN!"
George banged on the door and Alohamora'd his heart out but it wouldn't open. Fred looked at his brother as though he was a moron and opened the door. George, who was obviously thinking Voldemort was pretty stupid to leave their only escape door un-locked, was paralyzed with slight bewilderment, finding this whole situation very funny even though the dark lord was right behind them. Fred pulled George into the room the door led to, a bigger room with a large glass-less window and three doors. Three opportunities to get out, Voldemort was gaining on them, what were they going to do?
There was a huge explosion behind them, which sent them hurtling towards a window at the speed of light, except in slow motion, so we could see all their "aaagh" faces in nice detail. The explosion had been caused by Gilderoy Lockhart. Fred grabbed hold of George's robes so his twin wouldn't smack into the window, (Well his mum would kill him wouldn't she!) and they screamed as they flew through the window, which they didn't notice was about eight storeys high before they came out...
"GAAAAAAHHHHH!" They both screamed.
"YOU WHIPPER SNAPPERS!" Screamed Voldemort, shaking his fist at them. "THE FALL WILL KILL YOU BOTH!"
He then turned to Lockhart.
"Daddy is very cross with you!" He cried, and Lockhart (who had caused the explosion by lighting up the Death Eaters boxes of stage costumes) began to cry.
"Don't punish me daddy, don't put me in leather!" He sobbed softly.
"Gilderoy, I'm afraid you must be punished harsly indeed," Said Voldemort, showing Lockhart's frightened face for a few seconds before he closed the door on both of them.
Down at the bottom of the tower, Fred and George lay sprawled on the floor. George, who had miraculously survived the eight storey plunge, coughed up some blood and sat up weakly. Fred had helped both of them to escape, and even though they were sprawled and bloody on the ground, George was secretly very grateful.
"Fred," He whispered, coughing some more. "If you ever push me out of a window again, I'll set fire to your clothes."
Fred just lay still, sprawled on the ground, a pool of blood around his body.
"Fred?" Said George, tapping him on the shoulder.
Fred was dead, just like the hit movie 'drop dead fred' only bloodier and …well, sadder.
"SHUT UP, HE'S NOT DEAD HE'S NOT!" Cried George, damning the older author to the deep bowels of Heck.
Predictably, the wind began to increase, and a howling storm was approaching...
He felt a few tears make their way down his freckled face, feeling as if every fibre in his being had been torn from his heart. Yes, the metaphor makes no sense, but go with it.
"FRED!" Screamed George, shaking his lifeless twin as though his life depended on it. "FRED, DON'T LEAVE ME!"
The rain began to lash down.
"Fred, wake up!" He tried again, tears falling onto his twin's face, who didn't move or react in the slightest bit. He just lay there in George's arms, as still as a stone. For a minute that lasted an eternity, George looked down at his brother's face, a face that looked exactly like his, for one last time.
He dropped Fred's body, which fell to the ground, blessing the grass under him.
"Fred..." Whispered George. "My twin -- gone--"
As the rain drenched him to the bone, he reached his arms to the air and screamed until his throat went hoarse.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And Fred's lifeless body lay there, being drenched with rain, with a slight smile on his freckled face. Poor innocent Fred ... not even he could survive being thrown off a tower twice…
***
The great hall was lit up by lightning as survivors attempted to detangle themselves from the wreckage. Professor Mcgonnagal straightened her clothes and wiped the dust off her face.
"So Remus, we are being attacked by gay death eaters, we are in the middle of a storm and the world as we know it is probably going to end, how do you feel?" She asked.
"Well, to be completely honest..." Said Lupin. "I'm Super!"
"WHAT ON EARTH!" Cried Mcgonnagal.
"Explain yourself!" Screamed Lavender, who was struggling under a piece of concrete.
"Well, think about it this way," Said Lupin. He got up on stage and smiled at everybody.
"Oh no, here comes a musical number," Said Dean thomas under his breath.
"Hey, I have the sudden urge to be the back up singer!" Cried Hermione.
The Indian sex gurus began to play music. Even though they were used to playing those wacky flute things, they began to play the piano, and Blayzee and the Sunshine Band came up again and began to play. Lavender, Parvati and Hermione began humming under their breath like a group of singers from the nineteen fifties as Lupin began to sing…
"Bombs are flying, people are dying," He sang. "Children are crying, Polititians are lying too!"
"Hmm true," Said Mcgonnagal."
"Cancer is killing, Texico Spilling...The whole world's gone to hell but how're you?" Said Lupin to the nearest first year who screamed "I'M DYING!"
"Well..." Sang Lupin. "I'M SUPER!! Thanks for asking....all things considered I couldn't be better I must saaay! I'm feeling super, and nothing bugs me, everything is super when you're ---don't you think I look cute in this hat?"
Everybody began to swing in time to the beat
"He's not wearing a hat," Lavender whispered.
"Don't question it!" Parvati replied, looking terrified.
"I'm so sorry, Mr Cripple, but I just can't feel to bad for you right now," Sang Lupin to the nearest Slytherin. "Because I'm Feeling, so insanely SUPER, that even the fact that you can't walk can't bring me down!!!"
"HE'S SUPER, THANKS FOR ASKING!" Sang Hermione, Parvati and Lavender. "ALL THINGS CONSIDERED HE COULDN'T BE BETTER HE MUST SAAAY!"
"I'm SUPER!" Sang Lupin. "No nothing bugs ME!! Everything is Super when you --Don't you think I look cute in this hat and these little pants and this matching tie that I got at Stan's- I'M SUPER!!!!!"
"Who's stan?" Mcgonnagal asked.
"In the barracks and the trenches as well!" Sang Hermione and Lavender.
"STICK EM UP!" Shouted Lupin, looking happy.
"Lu-Lupin says do ask to tell!" Sang Hermione and Lavender.
"SKITTLES!" Shouted Lupin.
"Yes he's super and he's proud to be FAY!" Sang Hermione and Lavender.
"OKAY!" Shouted Lupin.
"EVERYTHING IS SUPER WHEN YOU'RE -- GAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!" Sang everybody
"Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do----WHE-EN YOU'RE GAY!" Screamed Everyone.
And the music stopped. Lupin was in a dramatic pose in the middle of the stage.
"REMUS IS GAY!" Mcgonnagal cried and promptly fainted.
"No, not really," Said Lavender, adjusting herself under her cement like before.
"Now doesn't everybody feel better?" Said Lupin in a friendly voice.
"We're DYING!" Screamed some kid.
"Fine, then eat some chocolate." He said, sitting down.
"Is that your solution to everything?" Cried the kid, flabbergasted.
"Yes, sadly" Said Lupin.
***
After Lupin had sang the Super (or as we like to say, Thuper) song and proved he was no help whatsoever, people were drawn to an extremely fantastic phenomenon which was occuring inside the Hogwarts hall.
There was a large shining light coming from the sky, which was like a swirling mass of clouds consisting of pure light, in every colour imaginable.
"Ooh it's Aurora Australis!" Cried Parvati.
"We are not in Australia, you daft woman!" Cried Colin Creevey.
"You are such an idiot!" Lavender growled.
Everybody, dying or healthy, turned to look up at this swirling mass of light, which was starting to come down to them in a sort of tornado, blowing everything around, heading towards one single solitary student in the hall.
"AAAAGH!" Screamed Some Ravenclaw Chick. "THE LIGHTS OF DEATH ARE COMING FOR ME!"
"Oh please, they're not going to kill you" Said Hermione.
"Oh will you SHUT UP!" Yelled Lavender fighting the urge to slap her in the face.
"IT BURNS!" Some Ravenclaw Chick howled with unspeakable agony.
The flaming clouds/light/pretty colours/whatever engulfed her in seconds and she could not be seen. A sort of explosion was taking place.
"Hooray!" Cried Ron, jumping for joy.
"That's your date, Ron!"
"I know, but if she burns to death, everyone will feel sorry for me and give me oral pleasure!" He pointed out excitedly.
"He really is pathetic," Muttered the red headed author.
Nobody bothered to pay attention to him, and he stopped drawing attention to himself like the pathetic little boy he is.
The flames were still engulfing Some Ravenclaw Chick. What was happening? Was this be an extremely important bit in the later story, that we were passing off as unimportant so you didn't suspect anything? And why was a pathetic unimportant minor charactor suddenly involved in the plot? Was she going to die? Would anybody care? Where did she get those shoes?
"At the outlet mall."
"AAAAAAAARRGHHH!" Screamed Some Ravenclaw Chick, her voice becoming twisted and distorted.
"Will we ever find out what's happening to her?" Asked a random Hufflepuff person.
And then the chapter ended.
***
No it didn't.
The light slowly cleared away filling the great hall with steamy spooky fog. Blaizee and the sunshine band suddenly felt the bizarre urge to play Three A.M by Matchbox Twenty.
"And she only sleeps when it's raining...and she screams ...and her voice is straining" Sang Blaize as the fog cleared away
"She says baby...It's 3am I must be lonely," Sang Lavender, unable to control her mouth.
"When she says baby...Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes, says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it" Sang Ron, and Hermione gave him a rather shocked look.
"She believes that life is made up of all that you're used to," Sang everyone in unison. "And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days.."
"She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway..."
A girl came into view, with long ratty blonde hair, dressed in a gypsy styled ball gown with a rather stoned expression on her face.
"But outside it's stopped rainiiiiinnnng..." Sang everyone.
"And she says Baby," Sang Ron. "It's three a.m i must be lonely,"
"And she says Bay-Bay-Eeeh!" Cried Lavender. "Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes - says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it!"
Luna Lovegood coughed.
Every one screamed with shock.
Everybody suddenly stopped singing the wonderful music and were silent. Ron came forward.
"L...Luna?" He breathed. "You're amazing!" He cried, falling to her feet.
His eyes opened wide with awe, for Luna was a wonderful original character who kicked the ass of every mysterious student who came to Hogwarts in Harry's fifth year.
She batted her blue eyelashes mysteriously, and sat down on a slab of concrete. She was so unique, forgetting every single rule fashion had to offer, and she had also had a load of badges pinned to the frills of her gypsy dress. Everybody instantly recognised what a truly awe-inspiring original character she was.
Then suddenly, interrupting the reveree, she farted loudly.
Ron stopped staring at her in awe and looked disgusted.
"It must have been the beans I had for dinner," She said with a shrug of her shoulders.
"You could have done a gas de-odouring charm," Said Hermione, looking disgusted, waving the smell off her nose.
"I've tried it before," Said Luna casually. "My wind smelt like chicken nuggets for three weeks."
"This has really ruined the drama," Lavy murmured before she fainted from the smell.
"So Luna, who stinks of shit, why are you here?" Asked Professor Lupin. Everybody who loved Lupin for the little non-swearing sweetie he was was taken aback.
"I have come to tell you a very important message which will greatly affect your future!" she cried.
There was a pause.
"Yes?" Parvati asked impatiently.
"You are all repressed pervs, that is all," Said Luna dreamily, and she got up and walked away.
"Why did she have to go and change on me?" Asked Ron looking confused.
"Because we are all repressed pervs?" Hermione asked.
"I'm so depressed, relationships are always ruined when someone changes."
Ron went off to mope with a while, Whoremione who was having a nice streak mood swing followed him. And then someone very important in the plot happened.
Draco, who had not done anything in an ever so long time, had decided to stop waiting for something to happen and find Harry.
He figured that this was a life or death situation and those were always damn sexy and Harry would HAVE to have sex with him, and perhaps Ron too, because sometimes two dicks just aren't enough.
"Harry," He began, kicking Pansy to the floor.
"Er --OHHH GINNY that was the FUNNIEST joke ever!" Said Harry, laughing extremely fakely. "Tell me the one about the guy who farted again!"
"Err..." Said Ginny, who had been eating a shrimp cocktail. "Er...yeah, once there was a guy, and he farted...great joke huh?"
"Ohh yeah--hahaha!!" Laughed Harry. "Yeah you're so funny Ginny, I just can't take my eyes off you!"
"Er Harry, I think Malfoy's trying to talk to you," Said Ginny pointing behind him.
"Oh yes Ginny that joke was also funny," Said Harry, trying to hint that he didn't want to speak to Draco.
"Harry, Malfoy keeps kicking me in the head!!" Ginny Shrieked.
"So Ginny, how's the economy?!?" Harry screamed.
"I'm bleeding out of my ears!" She cried, collapsing on the floor.
Harry screamed something about the Galleon rating second best after the Australian Chuzwuzza which was at an all time high, but realised he couldn't ignore Draco anymore.
"Quit KICKING her, Malfoy!" Said Harry loudly and firmly.
Draco immediately stopped, and Ginny sighed loudly on the ground, yelling something about her dress. She then promptly fainted and Padma Patil was forced to take her to the hospital wing.
"I THOUGHT I GAVE YOU MY ANSWER MALFOY!" He screamed.
"Why are you yelling in caps lock?"
"BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I DO SINCE THE FIFTH BOOK!!" He yelled once again, and everyone was forced to block their ears as more wallpaper was ripped off due to the sheer intensity of his voice.
"Oh enough of this!" Draco spat, and performed a dumbing down spell on Harry. This spell probably doesn't exist, but fanfic writers make up spells all the time when they can't be bothered looking them up. Shame on you all!
Draco stood up straight, picked up Harry who was muttering loudly and looking extremely dim-witted as though he had been dropped on his head when he was a child. Well you never know, he could have. He was smacked on the head with a curse when he was a kid, wasn't he? Not to mention the fact that the Dursleys used to hit him with frying pans and the so called social services did nothing!
"I'm going to take you away from all of this!" He cried dramatically.
"Oh no you're not!" Hermione screeched, running up in her red corset dress.
And to nobody's surprise, Ron came running up behind Hermione and put his hand on her shoulder so she wouldn't run off.
"Hermione," He said, out of breath. "Before the last chapter ended, I was looking into your eyes, what happened?"
"Nothing." Said Hermione, turning around.
"But something ALWAYS interrupts us when we're about to have a moment!" Cried Ron.
"Nothing happened Ron, because we are the comic releif which means we'll never have a serious relationship," She snapped.
"But one of the reviewers wants us to get back together and to stop making fun of lesbians."
"Ron you are such a tool! Can't you think for yourself!?" She snapped.
"Why're you always snapping?" Said Ron. "Why can't we talk about our FEELINGS!?"
"Ohh you're such a stereotypical gay guy!" Said Hermione, flipping some hair off her shoulder.
"I am no stereotype!" Snapped Ron.
While Ron and Hermione were arguing, and with the whole school falling down and killing everyone thing going on, Draco walked away with Harry in his arms, completely un-detected.
"Draco, you do realise I can walk?" Harry muttered because he could not yell.
"Hey, you called me Draco," He said triumphantly.
"Yeah, so?" Retorted the annoying sarcastic Harry that annoys us all so much.
"So, that means you're starting to like me - that way - because you're using my first name…" He squeaked.
"I call Dudley by his first name and that doesn't mean I like him," Harry retorted.
"Oh no you don't, since the fifth book you refer to him as Big D!" The older author snapped.
"Yes and it was quite funny too," Giggled the younger one.
"Damn the fifth book to Hell, I mean they kill off my Godfather to make the plot more interesting," Muttered Harry. "They never think that I might cry myself to sleep every night because I HAVE NO REAL FAMILY!" He screamed hysterically.
"Honey, Ron's already won the best actor Oscar for this story," Draco pointed out.
He performed the spell again and Harry immediately lost the ability to talk, and crumpled up again, grumbling.
'Let. Me. DOWN.' Harry mouthed, because he could not talk.
"I dumbened you up, you'll crumple up if i let you down," Said Draco.
"I refuse!" Harry tried to yell, and he jumped out of Draco's arms, and crumpled on the ground, unable to get up.
"Told ya," Said Draco, shrugging.
Harry just lied there, crumpled up, looking extremely angry.
"Now be quiet you," Said Draco, bending over and picking up the disgruntled Harry. "We're going."
Harry mouthed the words 'where the fuck are we going'
"Did you just say where's the duck Sinbad?" Draco asked.
Harry was trying to punch Malfoy's chin but his hand wouldn't reach, so he gave up and sat there, looking extremely bad tempered.
"Alright, so here's the plan, we flee to Bali and start a new life as the amazing Maurice and his assistant Flaura!" Draco exclaimed triumphantly. "You'll be Flaura of course."
Harry mouthed 'You better be joking, ass face.'
"Let's face it, I wear the pants in this relationship, biatch." Smirked Malfoy.
Harry mouthed something extremely rude, that was so rude we could not insert the actual quote.
"You know, you are rather annoying," Smirked Draco, walking further into the grounds. "But I guess you remind me of myself...we're a perfect match you know, I'm man enough for you, and you're woman enough for me."
Draco walked into the night with the struggling be-spectacled boy in his arms, apparently very sure of exactly where they were going. As a cloud shifted, our heroes were bathed in moonlight, full-moon light that is...
***
When the moonlight shone through the great hall at Hogwarts, all the students stopped panicking about the falling castle, and instead they all stared at that guy we all love. Yep, everybody turned their heads towards Professor Lupin and screamed hysterically.
"WEREWOLF!" Cried some stupid first year.
"Er, no...I've taken my medication and I'm not going to hurt anybody," Woofed werewolf Lupin who was now all fuzzy with torn clothes hanging off him.
"Damn," Said Luna, who was evidently hoping for some dramatic action.
"Hey, I thought Harry Potter wolves turn into actual wolves," Said Sinistra.
"Well how else do you explain that Lupin's clothes are always patched?" Said Luna. "Hasn't anybody seen an American werewolf in London?"
"It's only the greatest movie of ALL time!" Cried Luna.
"You know, I liked you a lot more when you were some Ravenclaw chick." Ron snarled.
"At least then you were comic releif." Lavender agreed.
"Don't worry, you still have me," Laughed some Slytherin chick, Luna's cousin.
Luna sighed and positioned herself more comfortably under her slab of cement, after all the roof was caving in.
One must wonder why the Hogwarts students were still inside the great hall when it was caving in slowly, but maybe no one will ever know. Perhaps it was because Dumbledore always makes students go to the great hall during emergencies, so now they had no real purpose and had no idea where to actually go. Dumbledore hasn't really figured prominently in this story at all cos a gay slashy Dumbledore isn't funny, it's just gross. Say it with us. Old man Penises. Eeeewww. And for those sick people out there, just pretend he's in his office with Professor Flitwick's corpse, fulfilling his most unmentionable fantasies.
Suddenly the red headed Author cried.
"Flitwick's dead? You killed Flitwick?!!?"
"Don't you remember, a piece of roof fell on top of him and he got squished." Said a hufflepuff student.
"Wow if the authors can't remember what happened, how're we supposed to get out of this situation? We're all screwed," Said another annonymous kid.
"I hate you ALL!" The older Author screamed and left the fic for a while.
"Okay so here's the plan, we all get out of this building before we die," Said Lavender, pushing Seth out of her basketball bosoms.
"You know, I was wondering since the world is ending and all, we could go upstairs and fulfil my Star Wars Princess Leia fantasies," Said Seth, smiling.
"The world isn't ending dork, and right now with Hermione out of the picture, I'm forced to play leader!" Lavy growled.
"Her plan is so brilliant, we really should have made her head girl," Sinistra said to Flitwick's violated corpse.
Seth just smiled seductively at Lavender with his sparkling white teeth.
A thousand and one fantasies flew through Lavender's mind. Including the ones with Heath Ledger and whipped Cream, Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck in tights, Oliver wood and a large broomstick, Orlando Bloom and Ron's whip... and her date, dorky as he was, looked like a combination of all of them.
"Er..." She said, dumbstruck.
"Oh great, our noble leader is going to let us die because of a dick," Muttered Parvati, looking extremely put out.
"Oh I dunno, my mum didn't call me Biggerstaff for nothing," Said Seth, looking cute and modest. Half the girls immediately died of shock.
"This Character's lame, let's shoot him." Said Luna.
Something finally snapped in Lavender's head. She looked at Seth and smiled insanely. Then she turned to look at Hermione, who was in the far left of the room, arguing with Ron like always.
"HERMIONE," She yelled. "I WANT MY WHIP BACK!"
Hermione ran over to her, looking extremely scandalised.
"Whip!" Cried Hermione. "I have no whip! I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Give it back to me and I'll let you keep the clothes and other 'toys' you stole from my closet!"
Hermione looked murderous and handed over the whip.
"What's that for?" said Seth. "Is it like Wonder Woman's power rope?"
"We'll see," Said Lavender, taking hold of his shirt. They both ran across the hall, up the stairs, and were not heard of for a while.
***
Ron and Hermione had joined forces temporarily to chase after Harry and wreak vengeance upon his soul.
Ron was extremely angry at Harry. Harry had forgotten his best crime-solving buddy back at the ball of death.
He must die.
Hermione had had her prescious Whoremione whip taken from her.
Harry must die.
Even though this was not Harry's fault, she wanted to blame something on him and it might as well have been her whip injustice. Together, Ron and Hermione made an extremely pissed off team.
All must die.
And then they'd stop Voldemort, save the day and all that usual crap.
They were now almost beyond the school grounds, they had only realised Harry had left about ten minutes ago, so he must be ten minutes ahead. Though the conditions of how he left were still unknown to them. But still, trudging against the Hogwarts grounds, Hermione and Ron were looking extremely cool and murderous with their Matrix dark glasses combined with their dress robes. How they could see with those sunglasses on at night is anybodys guess.
"Er…Ron," Hermione stopped, looking completely shocked.
"For the last time Hermione, I'm GAY!" Snapped Ron, continuing to walk.
"That's not what I was going to whine about," She said in a quiet voice.
For she had spotted George, looking like a devastated wreck, and she had also spotted Fred.
Fred was dead. It was very sad. George had tried to raise him from the dead but he realised he didn't know how. Instead he transfigured his brother's corpse into a ventriliquist dummy in a moment of sheer insanity.
"S..ss…Say Fred, why is a Raven like a writing desk?" He cried, sobbing hysterically
Hermione looked at poor pathetic George in horror.
"I don't know George, wh..why is a Raven like a writing desk?" He made the dummy Fred say.
"Because ...Because...BWAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Howled George, collapsing in a devastated wreck on his dead twin's chest.
"Um…" Hermione began.
"Why's George playing with a doll?" Asked Ron, who had just caught up, and George looked up hysterically.
"ALL LIFE HAS NO MEANING!!!!" Cried George. He howled some more and wiped at least four tablespoons worth of snot onto his sleeve, and began to bawl again, clutching the dummy and hiding his face in it's chest.
"Um…" said Hermione.
George propped up the dummy and began singing. Ron looked a little ashamed that his brother was acting this way, but tried not to show it. Instead he got down on his knees and put his hand on his brother's shoulder.
"George," He said. "Kindly tell me what is the matter?"
"NOTHING!" Cried George Hysterically. "NOTHING NOTHING FRED'S NOT DEAD HE'S ALIVE!!! HE'S SINGING!!!"
George just sniffed and sobbed into the dummy's chest.
"George?" Asked Hermione softly. "What's wrong?"
"It's his ...It's his favourite song...and and I don't know the WORDS!" Sobbed George.
"Which one?" Said Hermione. "Who are you talking about?"
"J...J..Jerimiah w..was a bullfrog..." Sang George shakily. "Wwas a good friend of mine...I never understood a single word he said, but I helped him with his w...wine.."
"Your brother is friends with bullfrogs?" Hermione whispered, staring at George as if he was insane.
"Joy to the world...All the boys and girls..." Sang George shakily. "Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea...J..JJoy to you and m...mm...MEE!"
George then collapsed again and began crying harder than ever.
"Hey, that's Fred's favourite song," Said Ron. "Where is he anyway?"
And just like the scene in Beauty and the Beast, except for this time there was no apparent reason for what happened, the magic rain began to rain down on the dummy, and it slowly and prettily turned back into George's twin. Unfortunately for everyone, he was still dead.
"HOLY SHIT!" Ron screamed.
"You kn…know I LOVE THE LADIES, I love to have my fun," George continued to scream, completely oblivious. "I'm a hard knock flyer and a rainbow rider, a s-straight shootin son of a gun!"
"My brother's dead…" Ron sobbed.
"BWAAAAAA!!!" Cried George again. "NO HE'S NOT!"
"Er, that's right George, he's not!" Said Hermione shakily. "Now, now why don't you go back to the great hall and have some fun?
"F..Ffun??" Sniffed George adorably. "C..Ccan Fred come?"
"Er...yes.." Said Hermione.
"That's a ROTTING CORPSE Hermione!" Ron shrieked.
"It might be a corpse, but it's good looking and well not rotting..." Said Hermione.
"IT WILL START ROTTING SOON!" Ron screamed hysterically.
George sniffed a bit and picked Fred up.
"Come on Fred, L...Let's go! We can come meet everybody again and it'll be just like before!!" Said George. "And-and we'll be best buddies again, just like before!"
"This is really sick," Ron muttered.
As George began walking away , they could hear him saying "Just like before" over and over, with a few sniffs in between.
"How long do you think it will take before people notice the smell?" Ron asked.
"Judging by the current temperature and the decomposing state, at least twenty minutes." Said Hermione.
"Well...let's go then." Said Ron.
"You know Ron, you're taking this pretty well..." Said Hermione sadly, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Well this isn't an angst fic, so I haven't got time to cry about it," Said Ron, shrugging his shoulders.
"I'm sorry." She said.
"Well, he'll probably be brought back to life sooner or later," Said Ron glumly.
"So um…" Hermione began, as the rain fell between them, in a very romantic angsty way.
"Yeah?" Ron asked in a bored tone of voice.
"Do you want to make out with me?" She asked.
"MY BROTHER JUST DIED, GIVE IT UP ALREADY!" Yelled Ron angrily.
"Am I EVER going to get back with you?" Snapped Hermione. "Because if I'm not, I'm going to Marry Dean."
"Like I care what happens to you. My brother's DEAD!" Yelled Ron.
"Oh I'm sorry," She said quietly. "That was really insensitive..it's just…your hair's all wet and …I've kinda got a thing for wet guys and.."
"Whatevuhh," Said Ron with a stereotypical gay hand flip.
"Don't you 'whatevuhh' me!" Snapped Hermione. "I just thought you were--"
"I'm GAY." Said ron firmly. "You can't HAVE me!"
"You know if I wasn't a girl I'd be throwing myself off a cliff right now!" Hermione yelled, rolling her eyes.
"Why because I'm not good enough for you?" Snapped Ron.
"No it's because I'm madly in love with you!" Hermione screamed. "And you treat me like SHIT, YOU LITTLE SHIT!" She ran off dramatically, her frilly red Moulin Rougish skirts flying in the breeze, only to to trip on a large tree root and fall over…
She fell several feet before crashing into the dirt, hitting her head pretty hard on the floor, her skirts getting covered in all sorts of muck. She lay there wondering where she was, what the hell happened, why she wasn't dead yet and hoping her suffering would end soon. All sound had dissappeared and everything was dark.
Perhaps she was dead and she had been buried alive? That was a rather peaceful thought…no more gay Ron, no more having to wear slutty clothes…
But the N.E.W.T.S were in THREE WEEKS! SHE COULDN'T DIE!
She sat up and looked around. Everything was dark, all she could see was a circle of sky the size of a hula-hoop that seemed to be directly above her.
"Ron?" She screamed, sounding lost and desperate. She glanced around and realized she was trapped in a hole, a big hole. You see, during a drunken rampage, Hagrid had managed to kill one of the Thestrals three days previously. He had dug a hole in order to turn it into a grave, which is kinda ironic because Thestrals are creatures associated with death and this one was dead. Unfortunately Hagrid had thrown up his liver at the ball, and what with the blood loss and drowning in his own vomit, he never got around to putting the damn thing in it's hole. The thestral was currently still in the makeshift coffin in Hagrid's cabin, wearing his mother's wedding dress. …Don't ask.
Ron looked around through the rain and sighed with relief when he realized Hermione had finally gone.
"Thank God that bitch has quit her belly aching!" He laughed, and wished he had a cigarette to light, because then he'd look damn cool. Of course that would be bad because smoking is bad for your lungs and kills you, so don't smoke, people!
"Ron!" Cried Hermione desperately. "HELP MEE!"
"Hermione?" He answered, completely confused.
"I'M OVER HERE!" She screamed, jumping up and down, unable to reach the top because the hole was so huge.
"I can hear you!" Said Ron stupidly, following her voice.
"Oh Ron!" Cried Hermione, and he could tell she was crying. "Oh Ron if you help me I swear I'll never ever annoy you EVER again and if you want me to I'll even steal Lavender's whip and I'll legally change my name to Whoremione for your amusement and--"
There was a loud crashing sound…and Ron had fallen into the hole, hitting his head also.
"YOU STUPID DICK!" She screamed, kicking him in the stomach and causing him to be in more pain.
"Oww!" Ron winced in pain and sat up on his knees, holding his stomach. He looked up at the top of the hole, a metaphorical hula hoop full of sky. "My head…my stomach…"
"Serves you right for falling in here!" Sobbed Hermione hysterically. "Ohh you're so horrid!"
"Why didn't you tell me you were in a bloody hole?" Winced Ron, falling forwards onto his knees in pain. "You should've warned me…"
"I warned you!" I was screaming for help!" She cried.
"I hate it when you do that!" Yelled Ron angrily. "You didn't tell me you were stuck down a bloody hole and now we're BOTH stuck here!"
"Well fuck you Ron." Said Hermione.
Silence rung around their holey prison (HAHAHA HOLEY GET IT HA WE R FUNNEE!! BECOS BECOS HOLY PEEPOL DON LIEK HARREE POTTA!! OMG WE R SO GOOD RITERS!!! OMG!!!111) until it was almost deafening.
"So." Said Ron.
"Yes?" Hermione asked furiously.
"Harry said that movies always have half naked women in them, is that true?" Ron asked.
"Pretty much." Said Hermione angrily.
"Well...that's cool I guess." He said awkwardly.
There was silence again for a few minutes until Ron broke it again.
"How naked are they?" He asked.:
"Quite." She snapped.
"Oh." Said Ron awkwardly. "Right."
There was even more silence after that.
"Er--"
"Yes you see their breasts," Snapped Hermione.
"Right." Said Ron, avoiding her eye contact. "Um…" Ron began.
"No, you rarely see their vaginas." She interjected.
"Ah...er...Okay," Said Ron, who began to stare at his knees.
"Um..." He said shyly.
"Yes most of them have orgies!" She screamed loudly. "Orgies and whipped cream and horrible disgusting things like that!"
"Er...Okay, but that's not what i was going to say..." He said.
"Then what?" She snapped angrilly. "You rarely see dicks on the screen, just so you know."
"Maybe in the summer we...could go to one." He said shyly, avoiding eye contact and then staring at his knees.
There was silence for about ten more bloody minutes, which Ron used up by staring at his shoes, looking terrified.
"…Alright then." Hermione muttered, blushing bright red. "But it's going to be a Disney one mind you, one without naked women and whipped cream."
"Okay."
"And you're to buy me raisins, and popcorn."
"Alright." Ron agreed.
"And you're to drive me there," She continued.
"Fair enough.." said Ron.
"And you're going to pay for me, and wait on me hand and foot, and if the movie's boring it'll be entirely your--"
But she never finished that sentence, because Ron's lips were on hers.
"What the HELL!?" Screamed the audience as Ron continued to kiss Hermione.
It was magical, it was beautiful, here it came, another romance scene.
"Ron, your breath STINKS!" Hermione cried, pushing him off.
There was an awkward silence.
"…sorry about that," Ron whispered, embarased.
"It's alright," Hermione said in a reluctant tone.
"I won't…I won't do that again…" Said Ron.
Hermione didn't reply, she just blushed red and avoided his eye contact.
Suddenly he looked at her, really looked at her…and despite the fact that she was rumpled and filthy with a possibly broken ankle, she really did look quite lovely.
It occurred to Ron then and there, that yes, she was a slut and she was as annoying as hell, and her frequent attempts to change his personality were rather desperate.
Actually the negatives were really starting to outweigh the positives. Suddenly she looked up and her eyes which fanfics always described as the colour of chocolate, despite the fact that they were really more of a shit brown colour, trembled with unshed tears. And the negative aspects didn't seem so important anymore.
"Hermione , I'm, sorry" he finally said.
Although what he really wanted to say whas that sometimes she really was rather pretty, and even now when she was ugly he still loved her despite everything. But being a boy he could never say that, due to the fact that he was emotionally constipated.
Ron's ears started to turn red, and he looked as though he was under a whole load of pressure. When Hermione asked him what was the matter, he hesitated, but then...
"I love you," he whispered, looking at his knees.
***
"Hey kids, Cho's an evil hoe bag!" Said the red-headed author, dressed like a news reporter.
"Really?" Asked the younger one, blinking her silver eye shadow covered eyes.
"Oh yes dear, since Order of the Phoenix, we've come to this realization," Said the older author. "By the way, great eyeshadow!"
"So before we get back to this hillarious parody, we would like to warn everybody who is reading this," Said the younger one. "There are spoilers ahead."
"And if you don't want the fifth book spoilt, which believe me, you DON'T," Said the older one. "You'll stop right NOW."
"We have given this chapter an S rating, which does not refer to sex." Said the young one.
"Eh there probably will be sex in this chapter but the S refers to SPOILERS," Said the red-headed author, and a giant 'S' flashed on the screen.
"You have been warned..." Said the younger one, as the two authors vanished behind a black veil. Not the black veil from the fifth book of course, cos then they would be dead and that would be very sad.
***
The explosion rocked through the foundations of the school as the Hufflepuff tower turned into an explosion of sequins and feather boas.
"Oooh pretty," Parvati whispered.
"It reminds me of the exotic dancing I used to do," Mused Lavender.
"The school is being destroyed!" Cried Professor Flitwick. "We're all going to die!"
A huge piece of concrete fell on top of Flitwick, and he spoke no more.
"NOOOO!!" Screamed several students.
"Woo hoo!" Cried the students who had no more charms homework.
"I suppose he could be brought back to life," Snape remarked dryly, straightening his pants.
"But he's the first tragic casualty in this story!" Sinistra pointed out. "And where have you been Severus? You're supposed to be my date!"
"There's no tomorow children!" Cried McGonnagal, running across the room amidst all the screaming students.
"Yeah, let's party like it's nineteen ninety nine!" Cried some ravenclaw chick.
"It's nineteen ninety nine if we go by canon dates," Said Ron, rolling his eyes.
Concrete fell from the heavens, bashing brainless students in their thin skulls. They fell writhing and screaming, blood trickling down their pretty dress robes.
"OH THE TRAGEDY!" Remus cried as blood fell on the melting ice sculptures.
"REMUS!" Cried McGonnagal. "Remus, we're all going to die!"
"Minerva, stay close to me," Said Lupin, whom we all love. "It'll be alright, just don't panic!"
"Oh Remus, dare I live out the worldwide fan girl dream?" Cried Minerva, taking hold of his hands. "Remus, Oh Remus!" Her breasts quivering in the sexy fanfic light.
"Er," Said Lupin, blushing.
"Remus, I love you, everyone loves you, you're just so gorgeous and angsty and --- Oh Remus! Let's subtract our clothes, divide our legs and multiply!" Cried Minerva.
"Eeeeew," Said everybody.
"Er…" Said Remus. "I'd love to Minerva but I'm afraid I don't have a condom."
"Oh that's alright I went through menapause seven years ago," She said carelessly.
"Oh well I-- the full moon's coming up soon and--"
"WHO CARES, REMUS!" She screamed, tears streaming out her eyes. "WE ONLY LIVE ONCE!"
"But we are in the middle of a ballroom filled with children!" He pointed out desperately.
Minerva's eyes went very round. She then stood up straight, fixing up her now very messy hair.
"Oh, you're right, we cannot show indecent behaviour in front of the students,"
"'Ey Mcgonnagal, fancy a shag?" Came the raspy voice of Hagrid.
"Sod off."
"Yep, alrightey then." He said, and he walked off all jolly and drunk. He then walked into a brick wall and passed out. Everyone laughed at him while he threw up his liver.
***
Back in the evil death eaters tower, our favourite twins were being taken captive in the highest room, which was made of stone with one small window and a wooden door. They were originally tied together with rope, but Fred had blasted it in half with a well placed rope blasting spell. Now was the time to be talking about ways to escape, as they discussed it quietly, trying to think of the craziest plan thinkable, suddenly a door magically appeared behind them. Voldie stood there grinning evily, with Lockhart behind him, looking distant.
Fred and George realised they had to escape, however they were not quite sure how. There were so many zany ideas they could've come up with, but since they had to be spontaneous, they thought of something else. Suddenly, it occurred to them… they decided to transfigure Voldemort's wand into a fish.
"Fisherio!" George cried.
"Er, George?"
"Yes, Fred?"
"Voldemort ditched his wand, he's a mage now, remember?" Cried Fred.
"Oh fuck." George squealed. "RUN!"
George banged on the door and Alohamora'd his heart out but it wouldn't open. Fred looked at his brother as though he was a moron and opened the door. George, who was obviously thinking Voldemort was pretty stupid to leave their only escape door un-locked, was paralyzed with slight bewilderment, finding this whole situation very funny even though the dark lord was right behind them. Fred pulled George into the room the door led to, a bigger room with a large glass-less window and three doors. Three opportunities to get out, Voldemort was gaining on them, what were they going to do?
There was a huge explosion behind them, which sent them hurtling towards a window at the speed of light, except in slow motion, so we could see all their "aaagh" faces in nice detail. The explosion had been caused by Gilderoy Lockhart. Fred grabbed hold of George's robes so his twin wouldn't smack into the window, (Well his mum would kill him wouldn't she!) and they screamed as they flew through the window, which they didn't notice was about eight storeys high before they came out...
"GAAAAAAHHHHH!" They both screamed.
"YOU WHIPPER SNAPPERS!" Screamed Voldemort, shaking his fist at them. "THE FALL WILL KILL YOU BOTH!"
He then turned to Lockhart.
"Daddy is very cross with you!" He cried, and Lockhart (who had caused the explosion by lighting up the Death Eaters boxes of stage costumes) began to cry.
"Don't punish me daddy, don't put me in leather!" He sobbed softly.
"Gilderoy, I'm afraid you must be punished harsly indeed," Said Voldemort, showing Lockhart's frightened face for a few seconds before he closed the door on both of them.
Down at the bottom of the tower, Fred and George lay sprawled on the floor. George, who had miraculously survived the eight storey plunge, coughed up some blood and sat up weakly. Fred had helped both of them to escape, and even though they were sprawled and bloody on the ground, George was secretly very grateful.
"Fred," He whispered, coughing some more. "If you ever push me out of a window again, I'll set fire to your clothes."
Fred just lay still, sprawled on the ground, a pool of blood around his body.
"Fred?" Said George, tapping him on the shoulder.
Fred was dead, just like the hit movie 'drop dead fred' only bloodier and …well, sadder.
"SHUT UP, HE'S NOT DEAD HE'S NOT!" Cried George, damning the older author to the deep bowels of Heck.
Predictably, the wind began to increase, and a howling storm was approaching...
He felt a few tears make their way down his freckled face, feeling as if every fibre in his being had been torn from his heart. Yes, the metaphor makes no sense, but go with it.
"FRED!" Screamed George, shaking his lifeless twin as though his life depended on it. "FRED, DON'T LEAVE ME!"
The rain began to lash down.
"Fred, wake up!" He tried again, tears falling onto his twin's face, who didn't move or react in the slightest bit. He just lay there in George's arms, as still as a stone. For a minute that lasted an eternity, George looked down at his brother's face, a face that looked exactly like his, for one last time.
He dropped Fred's body, which fell to the ground, blessing the grass under him.
"Fred..." Whispered George. "My twin -- gone--"
As the rain drenched him to the bone, he reached his arms to the air and screamed until his throat went hoarse.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And Fred's lifeless body lay there, being drenched with rain, with a slight smile on his freckled face. Poor innocent Fred ... not even he could survive being thrown off a tower twice…
***
The great hall was lit up by lightning as survivors attempted to detangle themselves from the wreckage. Professor Mcgonnagal straightened her clothes and wiped the dust off her face.
"So Remus, we are being attacked by gay death eaters, we are in the middle of a storm and the world as we know it is probably going to end, how do you feel?" She asked.
"Well, to be completely honest..." Said Lupin. "I'm Super!"
"WHAT ON EARTH!" Cried Mcgonnagal.
"Explain yourself!" Screamed Lavender, who was struggling under a piece of concrete.
"Well, think about it this way," Said Lupin. He got up on stage and smiled at everybody.
"Oh no, here comes a musical number," Said Dean thomas under his breath.
"Hey, I have the sudden urge to be the back up singer!" Cried Hermione.
The Indian sex gurus began to play music. Even though they were used to playing those wacky flute things, they began to play the piano, and Blayzee and the Sunshine Band came up again and began to play. Lavender, Parvati and Hermione began humming under their breath like a group of singers from the nineteen fifties as Lupin began to sing…
"Bombs are flying, people are dying," He sang. "Children are crying, Polititians are lying too!"
"Hmm true," Said Mcgonnagal."
"Cancer is killing, Texico Spilling...The whole world's gone to hell but how're you?" Said Lupin to the nearest first year who screamed "I'M DYING!"
"Well..." Sang Lupin. "I'M SUPER!! Thanks for asking....all things considered I couldn't be better I must saaay! I'm feeling super, and nothing bugs me, everything is super when you're ---don't you think I look cute in this hat?"
Everybody began to swing in time to the beat
"He's not wearing a hat," Lavender whispered.
"Don't question it!" Parvati replied, looking terrified.
"I'm so sorry, Mr Cripple, but I just can't feel to bad for you right now," Sang Lupin to the nearest Slytherin. "Because I'm Feeling, so insanely SUPER, that even the fact that you can't walk can't bring me down!!!"
"HE'S SUPER, THANKS FOR ASKING!" Sang Hermione, Parvati and Lavender. "ALL THINGS CONSIDERED HE COULDN'T BE BETTER HE MUST SAAAY!"
"I'm SUPER!" Sang Lupin. "No nothing bugs ME!! Everything is Super when you --Don't you think I look cute in this hat and these little pants and this matching tie that I got at Stan's- I'M SUPER!!!!!"
"Who's stan?" Mcgonnagal asked.
"In the barracks and the trenches as well!" Sang Hermione and Lavender.
"STICK EM UP!" Shouted Lupin, looking happy.
"Lu-Lupin says do ask to tell!" Sang Hermione and Lavender.
"SKITTLES!" Shouted Lupin.
"Yes he's super and he's proud to be FAY!" Sang Hermione and Lavender.
"OKAY!" Shouted Lupin.
"EVERYTHING IS SUPER WHEN YOU'RE -- GAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!" Sang everybody
"Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do----WHE-EN YOU'RE GAY!" Screamed Everyone.
And the music stopped. Lupin was in a dramatic pose in the middle of the stage.
"REMUS IS GAY!" Mcgonnagal cried and promptly fainted.
"No, not really," Said Lavender, adjusting herself under her cement like before.
"Now doesn't everybody feel better?" Said Lupin in a friendly voice.
"We're DYING!" Screamed some kid.
"Fine, then eat some chocolate." He said, sitting down.
"Is that your solution to everything?" Cried the kid, flabbergasted.
"Yes, sadly" Said Lupin.
***
After Lupin had sang the Super (or as we like to say, Thuper) song and proved he was no help whatsoever, people were drawn to an extremely fantastic phenomenon which was occuring inside the Hogwarts hall.
There was a large shining light coming from the sky, which was like a swirling mass of clouds consisting of pure light, in every colour imaginable.
"Ooh it's Aurora Australis!" Cried Parvati.
"We are not in Australia, you daft woman!" Cried Colin Creevey.
"You are such an idiot!" Lavender growled.
Everybody, dying or healthy, turned to look up at this swirling mass of light, which was starting to come down to them in a sort of tornado, blowing everything around, heading towards one single solitary student in the hall.
"AAAAGH!" Screamed Some Ravenclaw Chick. "THE LIGHTS OF DEATH ARE COMING FOR ME!"
"Oh please, they're not going to kill you" Said Hermione.
"Oh will you SHUT UP!" Yelled Lavender fighting the urge to slap her in the face.
"IT BURNS!" Some Ravenclaw Chick howled with unspeakable agony.
The flaming clouds/light/pretty colours/whatever engulfed her in seconds and she could not be seen. A sort of explosion was taking place.
"Hooray!" Cried Ron, jumping for joy.
"That's your date, Ron!"
"I know, but if she burns to death, everyone will feel sorry for me and give me oral pleasure!" He pointed out excitedly.
"He really is pathetic," Muttered the red headed author.
Nobody bothered to pay attention to him, and he stopped drawing attention to himself like the pathetic little boy he is.
The flames were still engulfing Some Ravenclaw Chick. What was happening? Was this be an extremely important bit in the later story, that we were passing off as unimportant so you didn't suspect anything? And why was a pathetic unimportant minor charactor suddenly involved in the plot? Was she going to die? Would anybody care? Where did she get those shoes?
"At the outlet mall."
"AAAAAAAARRGHHH!" Screamed Some Ravenclaw Chick, her voice becoming twisted and distorted.
"Will we ever find out what's happening to her?" Asked a random Hufflepuff person.
And then the chapter ended.
***
No it didn't.
The light slowly cleared away filling the great hall with steamy spooky fog. Blaizee and the sunshine band suddenly felt the bizarre urge to play Three A.M by Matchbox Twenty.
"And she only sleeps when it's raining...and she screams ...and her voice is straining" Sang Blaize as the fog cleared away
"She says baby...It's 3am I must be lonely," Sang Lavender, unable to control her mouth.
"When she says baby...Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes, says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it" Sang Ron, and Hermione gave him a rather shocked look.
"She believes that life is made up of all that you're used to," Sang everyone in unison. "And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days.."
"She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway..."
A girl came into view, with long ratty blonde hair, dressed in a gypsy styled ball gown with a rather stoned expression on her face.
"But outside it's stopped rainiiiiinnnng..." Sang everyone.
"And she says Baby," Sang Ron. "It's three a.m i must be lonely,"
"And she says Bay-Bay-Eeeh!" Cried Lavender. "Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes - says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it!"
Luna Lovegood coughed.
Every one screamed with shock.
Everybody suddenly stopped singing the wonderful music and were silent. Ron came forward.
"L...Luna?" He breathed. "You're amazing!" He cried, falling to her feet.
His eyes opened wide with awe, for Luna was a wonderful original character who kicked the ass of every mysterious student who came to Hogwarts in Harry's fifth year.
She batted her blue eyelashes mysteriously, and sat down on a slab of concrete. She was so unique, forgetting every single rule fashion had to offer, and she had also had a load of badges pinned to the frills of her gypsy dress. Everybody instantly recognised what a truly awe-inspiring original character she was.
Then suddenly, interrupting the reveree, she farted loudly.
Ron stopped staring at her in awe and looked disgusted.
"It must have been the beans I had for dinner," She said with a shrug of her shoulders.
"You could have done a gas de-odouring charm," Said Hermione, looking disgusted, waving the smell off her nose.
"I've tried it before," Said Luna casually. "My wind smelt like chicken nuggets for three weeks."
"This has really ruined the drama," Lavy murmured before she fainted from the smell.
"So Luna, who stinks of shit, why are you here?" Asked Professor Lupin. Everybody who loved Lupin for the little non-swearing sweetie he was was taken aback.
"I have come to tell you a very important message which will greatly affect your future!" she cried.
There was a pause.
"Yes?" Parvati asked impatiently.
"You are all repressed pervs, that is all," Said Luna dreamily, and she got up and walked away.
"Why did she have to go and change on me?" Asked Ron looking confused.
"Because we are all repressed pervs?" Hermione asked.
"I'm so depressed, relationships are always ruined when someone changes."
Ron went off to mope with a while, Whoremione who was having a nice streak mood swing followed him. And then someone very important in the plot happened.
Draco, who had not done anything in an ever so long time, had decided to stop waiting for something to happen and find Harry.
He figured that this was a life or death situation and those were always damn sexy and Harry would HAVE to have sex with him, and perhaps Ron too, because sometimes two dicks just aren't enough.
"Harry," He began, kicking Pansy to the floor.
"Er --OHHH GINNY that was the FUNNIEST joke ever!" Said Harry, laughing extremely fakely. "Tell me the one about the guy who farted again!"
"Err..." Said Ginny, who had been eating a shrimp cocktail. "Er...yeah, once there was a guy, and he farted...great joke huh?"
"Ohh yeah--hahaha!!" Laughed Harry. "Yeah you're so funny Ginny, I just can't take my eyes off you!"
"Er Harry, I think Malfoy's trying to talk to you," Said Ginny pointing behind him.
"Oh yes Ginny that joke was also funny," Said Harry, trying to hint that he didn't want to speak to Draco.
"Harry, Malfoy keeps kicking me in the head!!" Ginny Shrieked.
"So Ginny, how's the economy?!?" Harry screamed.
"I'm bleeding out of my ears!" She cried, collapsing on the floor.
Harry screamed something about the Galleon rating second best after the Australian Chuzwuzza which was at an all time high, but realised he couldn't ignore Draco anymore.
"Quit KICKING her, Malfoy!" Said Harry loudly and firmly.
Draco immediately stopped, and Ginny sighed loudly on the ground, yelling something about her dress. She then promptly fainted and Padma Patil was forced to take her to the hospital wing.
"I THOUGHT I GAVE YOU MY ANSWER MALFOY!" He screamed.
"Why are you yelling in caps lock?"
"BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I DO SINCE THE FIFTH BOOK!!" He yelled once again, and everyone was forced to block their ears as more wallpaper was ripped off due to the sheer intensity of his voice.
"Oh enough of this!" Draco spat, and performed a dumbing down spell on Harry. This spell probably doesn't exist, but fanfic writers make up spells all the time when they can't be bothered looking them up. Shame on you all!
Draco stood up straight, picked up Harry who was muttering loudly and looking extremely dim-witted as though he had been dropped on his head when he was a child. Well you never know, he could have. He was smacked on the head with a curse when he was a kid, wasn't he? Not to mention the fact that the Dursleys used to hit him with frying pans and the so called social services did nothing!
"I'm going to take you away from all of this!" He cried dramatically.
"Oh no you're not!" Hermione screeched, running up in her red corset dress.
And to nobody's surprise, Ron came running up behind Hermione and put his hand on her shoulder so she wouldn't run off.
"Hermione," He said, out of breath. "Before the last chapter ended, I was looking into your eyes, what happened?"
"Nothing." Said Hermione, turning around.
"But something ALWAYS interrupts us when we're about to have a moment!" Cried Ron.
"Nothing happened Ron, because we are the comic releif which means we'll never have a serious relationship," She snapped.
"But one of the reviewers wants us to get back together and to stop making fun of lesbians."
"Ron you are such a tool! Can't you think for yourself!?" She snapped.
"Why're you always snapping?" Said Ron. "Why can't we talk about our FEELINGS!?"
"Ohh you're such a stereotypical gay guy!" Said Hermione, flipping some hair off her shoulder.
"I am no stereotype!" Snapped Ron.
While Ron and Hermione were arguing, and with the whole school falling down and killing everyone thing going on, Draco walked away with Harry in his arms, completely un-detected.
"Draco, you do realise I can walk?" Harry muttered because he could not yell.
"Hey, you called me Draco," He said triumphantly.
"Yeah, so?" Retorted the annoying sarcastic Harry that annoys us all so much.
"So, that means you're starting to like me - that way - because you're using my first name…" He squeaked.
"I call Dudley by his first name and that doesn't mean I like him," Harry retorted.
"Oh no you don't, since the fifth book you refer to him as Big D!" The older author snapped.
"Yes and it was quite funny too," Giggled the younger one.
"Damn the fifth book to Hell, I mean they kill off my Godfather to make the plot more interesting," Muttered Harry. "They never think that I might cry myself to sleep every night because I HAVE NO REAL FAMILY!" He screamed hysterically.
"Honey, Ron's already won the best actor Oscar for this story," Draco pointed out.
He performed the spell again and Harry immediately lost the ability to talk, and crumpled up again, grumbling.
'Let. Me. DOWN.' Harry mouthed, because he could not talk.
"I dumbened you up, you'll crumple up if i let you down," Said Draco.
"I refuse!" Harry tried to yell, and he jumped out of Draco's arms, and crumpled on the ground, unable to get up.
"Told ya," Said Draco, shrugging.
Harry just lied there, crumpled up, looking extremely angry.
"Now be quiet you," Said Draco, bending over and picking up the disgruntled Harry. "We're going."
Harry mouthed the words 'where the fuck are we going'
"Did you just say where's the duck Sinbad?" Draco asked.
Harry was trying to punch Malfoy's chin but his hand wouldn't reach, so he gave up and sat there, looking extremely bad tempered.
"Alright, so here's the plan, we flee to Bali and start a new life as the amazing Maurice and his assistant Flaura!" Draco exclaimed triumphantly. "You'll be Flaura of course."
Harry mouthed 'You better be joking, ass face.'
"Let's face it, I wear the pants in this relationship, biatch." Smirked Malfoy.
Harry mouthed something extremely rude, that was so rude we could not insert the actual quote.
"You know, you are rather annoying," Smirked Draco, walking further into the grounds. "But I guess you remind me of myself...we're a perfect match you know, I'm man enough for you, and you're woman enough for me."
Draco walked into the night with the struggling be-spectacled boy in his arms, apparently very sure of exactly where they were going. As a cloud shifted, our heroes were bathed in moonlight, full-moon light that is...
***
When the moonlight shone through the great hall at Hogwarts, all the students stopped panicking about the falling castle, and instead they all stared at that guy we all love. Yep, everybody turned their heads towards Professor Lupin and screamed hysterically.
"WEREWOLF!" Cried some stupid first year.
"Er, no...I've taken my medication and I'm not going to hurt anybody," Woofed werewolf Lupin who was now all fuzzy with torn clothes hanging off him.
"Damn," Said Luna, who was evidently hoping for some dramatic action.
"Hey, I thought Harry Potter wolves turn into actual wolves," Said Sinistra.
"Well how else do you explain that Lupin's clothes are always patched?" Said Luna. "Hasn't anybody seen an American werewolf in London?"
"It's only the greatest movie of ALL time!" Cried Luna.
"You know, I liked you a lot more when you were some Ravenclaw chick." Ron snarled.
"At least then you were comic releif." Lavender agreed.
"Don't worry, you still have me," Laughed some Slytherin chick, Luna's cousin.
Luna sighed and positioned herself more comfortably under her slab of cement, after all the roof was caving in.
One must wonder why the Hogwarts students were still inside the great hall when it was caving in slowly, but maybe no one will ever know. Perhaps it was because Dumbledore always makes students go to the great hall during emergencies, so now they had no real purpose and had no idea where to actually go. Dumbledore hasn't really figured prominently in this story at all cos a gay slashy Dumbledore isn't funny, it's just gross. Say it with us. Old man Penises. Eeeewww. And for those sick people out there, just pretend he's in his office with Professor Flitwick's corpse, fulfilling his most unmentionable fantasies.
Suddenly the red headed Author cried.
"Flitwick's dead? You killed Flitwick?!!?"
"Don't you remember, a piece of roof fell on top of him and he got squished." Said a hufflepuff student.
"Wow if the authors can't remember what happened, how're we supposed to get out of this situation? We're all screwed," Said another annonymous kid.
"I hate you ALL!" The older Author screamed and left the fic for a while.
"Okay so here's the plan, we all get out of this building before we die," Said Lavender, pushing Seth out of her basketball bosoms.
"You know, I was wondering since the world is ending and all, we could go upstairs and fulfil my Star Wars Princess Leia fantasies," Said Seth, smiling.
"The world isn't ending dork, and right now with Hermione out of the picture, I'm forced to play leader!" Lavy growled.
"Her plan is so brilliant, we really should have made her head girl," Sinistra said to Flitwick's violated corpse.
Seth just smiled seductively at Lavender with his sparkling white teeth.
A thousand and one fantasies flew through Lavender's mind. Including the ones with Heath Ledger and whipped Cream, Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck in tights, Oliver wood and a large broomstick, Orlando Bloom and Ron's whip... and her date, dorky as he was, looked like a combination of all of them.
"Er..." She said, dumbstruck.
"Oh great, our noble leader is going to let us die because of a dick," Muttered Parvati, looking extremely put out.
"Oh I dunno, my mum didn't call me Biggerstaff for nothing," Said Seth, looking cute and modest. Half the girls immediately died of shock.
"This Character's lame, let's shoot him." Said Luna.
Something finally snapped in Lavender's head. She looked at Seth and smiled insanely. Then she turned to look at Hermione, who was in the far left of the room, arguing with Ron like always.
"HERMIONE," She yelled. "I WANT MY WHIP BACK!"
Hermione ran over to her, looking extremely scandalised.
"Whip!" Cried Hermione. "I have no whip! I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Give it back to me and I'll let you keep the clothes and other 'toys' you stole from my closet!"
Hermione looked murderous and handed over the whip.
"What's that for?" said Seth. "Is it like Wonder Woman's power rope?"
"We'll see," Said Lavender, taking hold of his shirt. They both ran across the hall, up the stairs, and were not heard of for a while.
***
Ron and Hermione had joined forces temporarily to chase after Harry and wreak vengeance upon his soul.
Ron was extremely angry at Harry. Harry had forgotten his best crime-solving buddy back at the ball of death.
He must die.
Hermione had had her prescious Whoremione whip taken from her.
Harry must die.
Even though this was not Harry's fault, she wanted to blame something on him and it might as well have been her whip injustice. Together, Ron and Hermione made an extremely pissed off team.
All must die.
And then they'd stop Voldemort, save the day and all that usual crap.
They were now almost beyond the school grounds, they had only realised Harry had left about ten minutes ago, so he must be ten minutes ahead. Though the conditions of how he left were still unknown to them. But still, trudging against the Hogwarts grounds, Hermione and Ron were looking extremely cool and murderous with their Matrix dark glasses combined with their dress robes. How they could see with those sunglasses on at night is anybodys guess.
"Er…Ron," Hermione stopped, looking completely shocked.
"For the last time Hermione, I'm GAY!" Snapped Ron, continuing to walk.
"That's not what I was going to whine about," She said in a quiet voice.
For she had spotted George, looking like a devastated wreck, and she had also spotted Fred.
Fred was dead. It was very sad. George had tried to raise him from the dead but he realised he didn't know how. Instead he transfigured his brother's corpse into a ventriliquist dummy in a moment of sheer insanity.
"S..ss…Say Fred, why is a Raven like a writing desk?" He cried, sobbing hysterically
Hermione looked at poor pathetic George in horror.
"I don't know George, wh..why is a Raven like a writing desk?" He made the dummy Fred say.
"Because ...Because...BWAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Howled George, collapsing in a devastated wreck on his dead twin's chest.
"Um…" Hermione began.
"Why's George playing with a doll?" Asked Ron, who had just caught up, and George looked up hysterically.
"ALL LIFE HAS NO MEANING!!!!" Cried George. He howled some more and wiped at least four tablespoons worth of snot onto his sleeve, and began to bawl again, clutching the dummy and hiding his face in it's chest.
"Um…" said Hermione.
George propped up the dummy and began singing. Ron looked a little ashamed that his brother was acting this way, but tried not to show it. Instead he got down on his knees and put his hand on his brother's shoulder.
"George," He said. "Kindly tell me what is the matter?"
"NOTHING!" Cried George Hysterically. "NOTHING NOTHING FRED'S NOT DEAD HE'S ALIVE!!! HE'S SINGING!!!"
George just sniffed and sobbed into the dummy's chest.
"George?" Asked Hermione softly. "What's wrong?"
"It's his ...It's his favourite song...and and I don't know the WORDS!" Sobbed George.
"Which one?" Said Hermione. "Who are you talking about?"
"J...J..Jerimiah w..was a bullfrog..." Sang George shakily. "Wwas a good friend of mine...I never understood a single word he said, but I helped him with his w...wine.."
"Your brother is friends with bullfrogs?" Hermione whispered, staring at George as if he was insane.
"Joy to the world...All the boys and girls..." Sang George shakily. "Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea...J..JJoy to you and m...mm...MEE!"
George then collapsed again and began crying harder than ever.
"Hey, that's Fred's favourite song," Said Ron. "Where is he anyway?"
And just like the scene in Beauty and the Beast, except for this time there was no apparent reason for what happened, the magic rain began to rain down on the dummy, and it slowly and prettily turned back into George's twin. Unfortunately for everyone, he was still dead.
"HOLY SHIT!" Ron screamed.
"You kn…know I LOVE THE LADIES, I love to have my fun," George continued to scream, completely oblivious. "I'm a hard knock flyer and a rainbow rider, a s-straight shootin son of a gun!"
"My brother's dead…" Ron sobbed.
"BWAAAAAA!!!" Cried George again. "NO HE'S NOT!"
"Er, that's right George, he's not!" Said Hermione shakily. "Now, now why don't you go back to the great hall and have some fun?
"F..Ffun??" Sniffed George adorably. "C..Ccan Fred come?"
"Er...yes.." Said Hermione.
"That's a ROTTING CORPSE Hermione!" Ron shrieked.
"It might be a corpse, but it's good looking and well not rotting..." Said Hermione.
"IT WILL START ROTTING SOON!" Ron screamed hysterically.
George sniffed a bit and picked Fred up.
"Come on Fred, L...Let's go! We can come meet everybody again and it'll be just like before!!" Said George. "And-and we'll be best buddies again, just like before!"
"This is really sick," Ron muttered.
As George began walking away , they could hear him saying "Just like before" over and over, with a few sniffs in between.
"How long do you think it will take before people notice the smell?" Ron asked.
"Judging by the current temperature and the decomposing state, at least twenty minutes." Said Hermione.
"Well...let's go then." Said Ron.
"You know Ron, you're taking this pretty well..." Said Hermione sadly, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Well this isn't an angst fic, so I haven't got time to cry about it," Said Ron, shrugging his shoulders.
"I'm sorry." She said.
"Well, he'll probably be brought back to life sooner or later," Said Ron glumly.
"So um…" Hermione began, as the rain fell between them, in a very romantic angsty way.
"Yeah?" Ron asked in a bored tone of voice.
"Do you want to make out with me?" She asked.
"MY BROTHER JUST DIED, GIVE IT UP ALREADY!" Yelled Ron angrily.
"Am I EVER going to get back with you?" Snapped Hermione. "Because if I'm not, I'm going to Marry Dean."
"Like I care what happens to you. My brother's DEAD!" Yelled Ron.
"Oh I'm sorry," She said quietly. "That was really insensitive..it's just…your hair's all wet and …I've kinda got a thing for wet guys and.."
"Whatevuhh," Said Ron with a stereotypical gay hand flip.
"Don't you 'whatevuhh' me!" Snapped Hermione. "I just thought you were--"
"I'm GAY." Said ron firmly. "You can't HAVE me!"
"You know if I wasn't a girl I'd be throwing myself off a cliff right now!" Hermione yelled, rolling her eyes.
"Why because I'm not good enough for you?" Snapped Ron.
"No it's because I'm madly in love with you!" Hermione screamed. "And you treat me like SHIT, YOU LITTLE SHIT!" She ran off dramatically, her frilly red Moulin Rougish skirts flying in the breeze, only to to trip on a large tree root and fall over…
She fell several feet before crashing into the dirt, hitting her head pretty hard on the floor, her skirts getting covered in all sorts of muck. She lay there wondering where she was, what the hell happened, why she wasn't dead yet and hoping her suffering would end soon. All sound had dissappeared and everything was dark.
Perhaps she was dead and she had been buried alive? That was a rather peaceful thought…no more gay Ron, no more having to wear slutty clothes…
But the N.E.W.T.S were in THREE WEEKS! SHE COULDN'T DIE!
She sat up and looked around. Everything was dark, all she could see was a circle of sky the size of a hula-hoop that seemed to be directly above her.
"Ron?" She screamed, sounding lost and desperate. She glanced around and realized she was trapped in a hole, a big hole. You see, during a drunken rampage, Hagrid had managed to kill one of the Thestrals three days previously. He had dug a hole in order to turn it into a grave, which is kinda ironic because Thestrals are creatures associated with death and this one was dead. Unfortunately Hagrid had thrown up his liver at the ball, and what with the blood loss and drowning in his own vomit, he never got around to putting the damn thing in it's hole. The thestral was currently still in the makeshift coffin in Hagrid's cabin, wearing his mother's wedding dress. …Don't ask.
Ron looked around through the rain and sighed with relief when he realized Hermione had finally gone.
"Thank God that bitch has quit her belly aching!" He laughed, and wished he had a cigarette to light, because then he'd look damn cool. Of course that would be bad because smoking is bad for your lungs and kills you, so don't smoke, people!
"Ron!" Cried Hermione desperately. "HELP MEE!"
"Hermione?" He answered, completely confused.
"I'M OVER HERE!" She screamed, jumping up and down, unable to reach the top because the hole was so huge.
"I can hear you!" Said Ron stupidly, following her voice.
"Oh Ron!" Cried Hermione, and he could tell she was crying. "Oh Ron if you help me I swear I'll never ever annoy you EVER again and if you want me to I'll even steal Lavender's whip and I'll legally change my name to Whoremione for your amusement and--"
There was a loud crashing sound…and Ron had fallen into the hole, hitting his head also.
"YOU STUPID DICK!" She screamed, kicking him in the stomach and causing him to be in more pain.
"Oww!" Ron winced in pain and sat up on his knees, holding his stomach. He looked up at the top of the hole, a metaphorical hula hoop full of sky. "My head…my stomach…"
"Serves you right for falling in here!" Sobbed Hermione hysterically. "Ohh you're so horrid!"
"Why didn't you tell me you were in a bloody hole?" Winced Ron, falling forwards onto his knees in pain. "You should've warned me…"
"I warned you!" I was screaming for help!" She cried.
"I hate it when you do that!" Yelled Ron angrily. "You didn't tell me you were stuck down a bloody hole and now we're BOTH stuck here!"
"Well fuck you Ron." Said Hermione.
Silence rung around their holey prison (HAHAHA HOLEY GET IT HA WE R FUNNEE!! BECOS BECOS HOLY PEEPOL DON LIEK HARREE POTTA!! OMG WE R SO GOOD RITERS!!! OMG!!!111) until it was almost deafening.
"So." Said Ron.
"Yes?" Hermione asked furiously.
"Harry said that movies always have half naked women in them, is that true?" Ron asked.
"Pretty much." Said Hermione angrily.
"Well...that's cool I guess." He said awkwardly.
There was silence again for a few minutes until Ron broke it again.
"How naked are they?" He asked.:
"Quite." She snapped.
"Oh." Said Ron awkwardly. "Right."
There was even more silence after that.
"Er--"
"Yes you see their breasts," Snapped Hermione.
"Right." Said Ron, avoiding her eye contact. "Um…" Ron began.
"No, you rarely see their vaginas." She interjected.
"Ah...er...Okay," Said Ron, who began to stare at his knees.
"Um..." He said shyly.
"Yes most of them have orgies!" She screamed loudly. "Orgies and whipped cream and horrible disgusting things like that!"
"Er...Okay, but that's not what i was going to say..." He said.
"Then what?" She snapped angrilly. "You rarely see dicks on the screen, just so you know."
"Maybe in the summer we...could go to one." He said shyly, avoiding eye contact and then staring at his knees.
There was silence for about ten more bloody minutes, which Ron used up by staring at his shoes, looking terrified.
"…Alright then." Hermione muttered, blushing bright red. "But it's going to be a Disney one mind you, one without naked women and whipped cream."
"Okay."
"And you're to buy me raisins, and popcorn."
"Alright." Ron agreed.
"And you're to drive me there," She continued.
"Fair enough.." said Ron.
"And you're going to pay for me, and wait on me hand and foot, and if the movie's boring it'll be entirely your--"
But she never finished that sentence, because Ron's lips were on hers.
"What the HELL!?" Screamed the audience as Ron continued to kiss Hermione.
It was magical, it was beautiful, here it came, another romance scene.
"Ron, your breath STINKS!" Hermione cried, pushing him off.
There was an awkward silence.
"…sorry about that," Ron whispered, embarased.
"It's alright," Hermione said in a reluctant tone.
"I won't…I won't do that again…" Said Ron.
Hermione didn't reply, she just blushed red and avoided his eye contact.
Suddenly he looked at her, really looked at her…and despite the fact that she was rumpled and filthy with a possibly broken ankle, she really did look quite lovely.
It occurred to Ron then and there, that yes, she was a slut and she was as annoying as hell, and her frequent attempts to change his personality were rather desperate.
Actually the negatives were really starting to outweigh the positives. Suddenly she looked up and her eyes which fanfics always described as the colour of chocolate, despite the fact that they were really more of a shit brown colour, trembled with unshed tears. And the negative aspects didn't seem so important anymore.
"Hermione , I'm, sorry" he finally said.
Although what he really wanted to say whas that sometimes she really was rather pretty, and even now when she was ugly he still loved her despite everything. But being a boy he could never say that, due to the fact that he was emotionally constipated.
Ron's ears started to turn red, and he looked as though he was under a whole load of pressure. When Hermione asked him what was the matter, he hesitated, but then...
"I love you," he whispered, looking at his knees.
***
