I sat there and cried the whole night. It was just one of those days when everything from the smallest to the largest just comes down on you and you can't get away and it forces you to suffer and cry and feel horrible. I hate that. Feeling that way. It just brings you down deeper into all the problems and you can't go to sleep and get away. And the thoughts don't stop coming because you're awake.

It hurts in my heart so goddamn much.

One part of me says it's a hormonal thing that's making you want to cry. But you know it's not. You know why. And so you let it crush you. And all you look forward to is when its done crushing you and you can go on pretending to be normal. Pretending that things last. When all of the futile wishing is done, when you're done feeling sorry for yourself and everything. You just can't wait because its suffocating you, but if you don't then you know it will just get worse.


She sometimes wondered why she put herself through it. She had watched the beta and guiltily she let go of her control and broke down. She lay on her bed, eyes fixed on nothing, the tears and painful thoughts just wouldn't stop; they flowed down her face and through her mind.

It occurred to her that maybe she caused it by herself. Because she wasn't accepting it. Deep down she wasn't. Not really. Somewhere someone said something in her mind

You can't get better until you accept the pain and make it apart of yourself. And hold all of it the pain and everything all at once. Then you can get better.

As the night went on the random clanking and humming of the ship went in one ear and out the other, completely unnoticed. Eventually she slept. Dreaming of what might have been, and then how it never was.