Author's Note: I originally thought up this chapter while my grandparents came to visit, and it's probably my personal favorite. Still, there was a bit that needed fixing, and it reads a bit smoother now (I hope).

Disclaimer: I do not own Fred, George, or Lee. I'm just borrowing them, but not to worry! They will be returned intact...er, maybe not intact. Okay, they will be returned alive when I'm through with them!

Chapter 5: Excitement in Retirement

"Who would've thought that Muggle London could be this much fun?" said Lee, as they made their way down the street, still laughing about the palace guard.

Fred nodded.

"Yeah, remember--" he began, but George cut him off.

"Lingsworth!" said George suddenly, stopping dead in his tracks.

Fred shook his head distractedly. "Actually, I was going to say--"

"No, Fred, there's Lingsworth!" said Lee, pointing across the street with a panicked look on his face.

Fred looked, and as he did so, Dr. Lingsworth looked over and saw them. They watched in horror as he shouted something to the crowd of people with him and began to charge toward Fred, George, and Lee.

"Any ideas?" muttered Lee.

"One," Fred muttered back.

"What's that?" Lee asked quickly as Lingsworth and the mob approached.

"RUN!" bellowed Fred, and the three of them took off.

"Can't we work this out?" called George over his shoulder. Loud cries of anger and words that would have made Mrs. Weasley faint were the only responses he got as the crowd continued to chase them.

"I'm not sure, George, but I think that's a 'no!'" yelled Lee above the sound of their shoes pounding the pavement.

"Thanks, I never would have guessed!" snarled George .

They rounded a corner and saw a door.

"In here!" said Lee, wrenching the door open and bolting inside after Fred and George, slamming the door behind them.

They leaned against the door to catch their breaths as Lingsworth and his mob ran by outside. As they looked around, they saw that they were in some sort of waiting room. Several cushioned chairs lined the walls, and a coffee table in a corner was piled with magazines that, judging by the considerable amount of dust on them and the many rips and tears their covers, were quite old.

"Where are we?" muttered George.

"Dunno. Ask her," said Lee, jerking his head toward where a woman in a white skirt and a blouse was sitting behind a desk, reading a magazine.

She set aside the magazine as they approached. Before they could even open their mouths to speak, she said, "Welcome to the London Retirement Home. Have you come to visit your grandparents?"

"Er...yeah, that's right," said George quickly before Fred or Lee could say different. The woman nodded and pointed to a set of doors.

"Just head through there. You might try the Dining Hall," she added, picking up her magazine and going back to her reading.

"Thanks," said George, heading to the door and tugging a rather confused Fred and Lee behind him. After they'd gone through the doors, Fred stopped and asked, "What was that all about?"

"Well," said George, "Unless you'd like to go back outside and say hello to Lingsworth and his friends, I thought it'd be a good idea to lay low here for a while."

"Good thinking," said Lee.

"Yeah. Come on, let's have a look around while we're here," said Fred, so they set off down the tiled hallway with white walls.

Almost immediately, they halted in front of an open door that had a sign reading "Dining Hall" on the wall next to it.

"Well, she did say to look in the Dining Hall," said Lee.

"May as well," replied Fred, smirking as they entered.

As they stepped through the doors and into the large room, the smell of cologne that was probably older than its wearers invaded their nostrils and caused Fred, George, and Lee to choke. The room was full of elderly people seated at several small tables, eating soft foods and arguing over things such as who had the best-looking grandchildren. Next to the door, there was what looked like a buffet with food that could be easily chewed and digested spread out over an aged yellow tablecloth.

"Ugh, they actually eat this stuff?" said George, a revolted look on his face as they surveyed the food table.

Lee picked up the ladle in what might have been a dish of beans and let the beans drop back into the pan.

"Yuck!" he said, tossing the ladle back into the pan and splattering Fred with beans.

Fred looked down at his bean-covered shirt as Lee and George laughed. Then, he scooped a handful of the beans out of the pot and smirked at Lee, who stopped laughing.

"Here, Lee, have some beans," he said, reaching back his arm and hurling the beans at Lee. Unfortunately, Lee ducked, and the beans hit George right in the face.

"Sorry, George!" said Fred, laughing along with Lee as George used his hands to wipe the beans off of his face. He raised an eyebrow at Fred.

"No problem," he said lightly.

Then, quick as lightning, he scooped up a handful of beans and aimed for Fred. Unfortunately, some bean juice on his forehead trickled down into his eyes.

"Argh!" he said, closing his eyes as they began to sting and blindly tossing the beans in his hand.

With a splat, they landed on the back of an old man's head. The old man, thinking someone at the table behind him was the culprit, scooped a handful of yams from his plate and threw them at an old lady who was taking a sip of her water. The yams splattered all over her face.

"FOOD FIGHT!" yelled an old man next to her in a wheezy voice.

Their own matters instantly forgotten, Fred, George, and Lee watched in astonishment as food of every different color and degree of mushiness began to fly in all directions, only coming to their senses when an enormous amount of Jell-O hit Fred in the face.

Wiping the Jell-O hastily from his eyes, Fred turned and grabbed three trays off of the food table, handing Lee and George one and holding his up like a shield as a rather large blob of mashed potatoes came at him, splattering against the tray instead of his face.

"Come on!" he yelled to George and Lee over the yells and splattering of food. "This means war!"

He grabbed a bag of rolls, ripped off the top, then shouted, "BOMBS AWAY!" as he threw the bag through the air, rolls raining down onto the heads of several people.

An old man threw a piece of custard pie at him in revenge for the roll that had hit him on the head, but Fred held up his tray just in time. Lowering his tray, he yelled, "YOU MISSED--" but he was cut off as an entire dish of custard pie splattered onto his face.

Meanwhile, Lee had dashed to the other side of the room, seized a bottle of ginger ale, and was now shaking it vigorously as an old lady made to throw a plate of spinach at him.

"Oh no you don't!" he yelled, taking careful aim before removing the lid and spraying the woman with the clear soda. When the ginger ale stopped spraying, he chucked the bottle through the air so that what was left of the soda poured over the heads of the crowd as the bottle soared through the air.

Across the room, George jumped onto a table and held his tray like a bat. "Alright, try and get me!" he challenged, swinging his tray and hitting an on-coming roll away from him.

Lee leapt onto another table and began a commentary on the food fight, dodging food as he did so and speaking into a spoon as though it was a microphone.

"And we have an old bloke with a handful of steamed carrots!" he yelled gleefully, ducking to avoid a blob of pudding. "He's looking around...he's throwing...OH! Hit from behind by a roll thrown by an old woman in a pink sweater! Nice one, Miss!" he shouted, and the woman gave him a thumbs up as a piece of pie landed in her hair.

Lee turned his attention over to where Fred had joined George on a nearby table, each of them armed with a pan of food and shouting challenges to those around them as they threw handfuls of food at the people.

"Hey! Bloke! Yeah, you!" bellowed Fred, pointing at an old man in a gray sweater. "You call that a throw?"

"Our grandmother throws harder than that--" began George.

"--and she lost both her arms in a freak Potion accident!" finished Fred, ducking quickly as the man threw a handful of pudding at him.

Lee returned to his commentary.

"And we have Fred and George Weasley with two pots of beans between them. Fred grabs some beans...he dodges a roll, takes aim, and--ARGH! I'M HIT!" he yelled as a bowl of yams hit him in the face.

All of a sudden, the woman who'd been sitting behind the desk in the waiting room burst inside, a panicked look on her face.

"STOP!" she shouted, running into the midst of the food fight and waving her arms frantically to try and restore order. "STOP! STOP! ST--" she began, but was cut off as a blob of mashed potatoes hit her in the face.

"Uh-oh!" muttered Fred as he spotted her, turning to George and pulling him off of the table before the lady could clear her face of mashed potatoes and see them.

"Come on!" he said quickly as he and George crouched under a table. "Let's go before she sees us. I wouldn't fancy having to explain all this to her."

"Good thinking," said George.

Crawling on their hands and knees, the two of them headed for the door.

Lee, meanwhile, was still commentating.

"And an old man...er, sorry, Miss, my mistake! Correction, folks, an old woman winds up with a roll in her hand. She's aiming...the roll is in the air...it's headed right for a bloke over near the custard pie! Look out, mate! Oh, too late! And over here, we have--"

"LEE!" bellowed Fred.

Lee turned and saw Fred and George near the door, gesturing wildly for him to come so they could leave.

"Well, it's been a pleasure, folks. Bye, then!" called Lee brightly, hopping down from the table and running over to the door, dodging food as he ran.

The three of them ran into the hall and slammed the door behind them as a bowl of applesauce crashed into it on the other side.

"Phew!" said Fred, grinning and trying to wipe the food out of his hair as they made for the exit. "Now that was a food fight!"

"Yeah, who would've thought that Muggle retirement homes were so exciting?" said Lee as they reached the exit. "Maybe we should look into them further when we're old and senile."

"Forget the excitement; I never expected them to be so messy," added George, looking down at his food-splattered shirt as they stepped outside. "Honestly, if Mum wants to kill us when she finds us, I reckon she'll have to hose us down first."

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Man, what I would give to have been a part of that food fight! Only one more chapter after this one! :-(

Response to reviewers:

koolcat: Wow, that makes people look at me funny? *looks around and waves cheerily at the staring people* Oh well! :-)

S.D. Chesko: Still waiting for you to "bring it on"! *yawns* Anyway, I've always wanted to annoy the guards too, so I made Fred, George, and Lee do it for me, and I think they did a rather good job of it! *applauds the three of them* Yes, I was referring to that story. Do you still need help posting it? Call me! My grandparents are leaving on Sunday, so I could come and help you...if you pay me! !-)

MarauderLuver4-ever: What? My curse didn't work? *examines wand* Hm...maybe I should get this thing checked...*grins* Glad you reviewed anyway, and as to your suggestion, I think it'll take more than an explosion to destract Mrs. Weasley once she finds Fred, George, and Lee (actually, when she yells at them, it will probably be as loud as an explosion anyway)! :-)

carlos-s. lover: Good thing you never liked Mars, because the three of them are going to need something to do once all this is over...*grins evilly*

Ravenclaw@Heart: Ha ha! My curse worked! *grins* I'm glad you like this story, and yeah, the poor guard, he was just no match for Fred, George, and Lee. *is shoved out of computer chair by Fred*

Fred: Actually, it was Lee's Dungbomb that he was no match for.

*shoves him away* Alright, he was just no match for Lee's Dungbomb!

TiGgEr5: Glad you think it's interesting! Hope you liked the chapter! :-)

Alright, now this is the part where I normally ask you to review. Well, I decided to let Fred, George, and Lee do it today!

Fred: Come on, people, review!

George: You know you want to!

Lee: And if you don't review--

Fred: --then you might want to be careful about the food you eat--

George: --because we'll be sticking Canary Creams into your food!

All: Now go review!

Fred: And remember, if you don't...*waves Canary Cream threateningly*