To Ashly(LordSpike13) if you're still reading this story, I accept your offer and you can e-mail me at kitana_m@yahoo.com or alecca4you@netscape.net

Now on to the story...

Part 12

Don't look back

Joy rang the bell of the apartment. Once. Twice. Three times, before, annoyed, keeping her finger pressed on the doorbell until an angry voice answered her from inside. Her father opened the door probably ready to punch out anyone on the other side of the door, no matter the amount of pain it would cause him.

"Oh, it's you," Spike welcomed her inside.

"So this is Xander's apartment," she smiled looking around. "Gotta say, pretty fancy. He has good taste."

"Can't say the same about his clothes," Spike returned the smile. "So what brings you to this neck of the woods? Curious to see this place?"

"I just needed to talk to someone," she admitted.

"Something happened?" he rose an eyebrow.

"Actually quite a few things," she paced around the spacious apartment.

"In one night and a bit of daylight? You move fast, luv," he said sitting down.

"More like people have a tendency to move faster around me," she looked back at him with a sad smile.

"So are you going to tell me what happened?"

"The cat's out of the bag," she said taking a seat opposite her father.

"Now everyone knows?" he shook his head. "I told you to..."

"Well, Angel knows. But not everything and Willow's getting way too suspicious. At least mom's oblivious to everything," she blurted everything out in one breath.

"Yeah, she gets that around Angel. It's like she's a bloody teenager all over again. Not that I would mind. I have this fantasy about her in a cheer..."

"Dad, too much information," she interrupted him before he could finish his words.

"Sorry," he apologized. "How much does Angel know?"

"Well the part with you and mom never having to be together again," she explained and Spike smirked.

"He must've jumped up and down at that one."

"He didn't buy it at first," she paused before adding: "He also thinks he only has to stay together with mom until you leave town." There was a long moment of silence.

"If she'll be alone, you know I'll come back at some point," he told her.

"I know," she moved next to him on the couch. "Mom told me once, Angel came to see her after I was born. She said it made her sad to let him see her with you. She knew it hurt him. He never knew I was yours, he thought that some asshole left her pregnant and abandoned her. He even thanked you for being at her side when he couldn't. Everyone knew, except him. And you never told him, never wanted him to hurt, never wanted him to hate you. It was enough for you to know he envied you for being next to her every minute of her life... No matter how sad, ugly or heartbreaking that minute was, it was yours, not his anymore," she paused for a moment to look at her father. He seemed lost in her words, trying to imagine himself in her stories - imagining what he was loosing while he listened to her.

"When he died," she continued. "She was...I don't even know if there are words to describe the state she was in. Motionless, lost, teary, pained...it went on for weeks. And weeks...you tried to bring her out of it, but couldn't. In some ways you felt the same, but didn't bother to show it. Someone had to be strong, you told me once. Then one day, during that awful summer that followed the LA's downfall, she received something through the mail. It was a CD. It didn't say who it was from, it was just labeled as urgent. But in truth it was late. The mailman had delayed its distribution due to the catastrophe that had made the world stop and stare for a long time, until it passed. It was a visual recording. Angel's legacy. I haven't really seen it. I did when I was little, but then mom locked it away in her jewelry box and I haven't seen it since, though I think she sometimes did. I don't even remember how Angel looked on that recording, but I still remember his words...He explained the situation in LA, how it had come to it all and how it was going to end and expressed his hope that mom would take in his grandchildren, Liam and Celeste, at least until they found a home, because he had believed Fred's lies about the children surviving. He told you to take care of mom, sent a kiss to me and said mom shouldn't be worried, that now there was going to be one more angel guarding her back. She broke down after seeing it for the first time. She let out all the sorrow that had been bottling up inside her. Later she told me she had asked herself at that point if he had felt the same when she had been gone, like a great emptiness, half her heart suddenly becoming hollow. And she wished she could have been with him during that last battle, to see him die knowing she had done everything in her power to help him, to give him one last kiss goodbye. After that day, she slowly recovered and that CD became a memory. A good memory," she stopped not mentioning the CD also held a message for Liam and Celeste from their parents.

"That's what I'm gonna be? A good memory?" he asked ungluing himself from the images his mind had created from her words.

"A good memory...maybe it's better than the actual thing," she suggested, but the vampire shook his head.

"No matter how bad, horrible or bloody unhealthy, the real deal's better than memories."

"I thought you'd say that. Actually I knew you would," she smiled sympathetically. Her smile faded as she added to her words: "She's dead now."

"Who is?" he was confused.

"Mom. Aunt Willow killed her. She came to tell me in person, I had a whole seizure because of her little trip," she explained. Spike didn't seem surprised.

"That was bound to happen at some point. One vampire against the world...those odds never turn out good," he admitted.

"I guess, but I'm still going through with it," she said determined.

"For me? For her?" he thought about it for a moment. "I never thought someone could love me so much to change the world for me."

"You never will," she said a little saddened. "Maybe if it had been only one of you, I would've moved on...but I can't, knowing I have nothing left to go back to. I'm not you, I'm not mom, I'm only half of you both and that's not enough."

She let her head slip on his shoulder and Spike leaned his against hers.

"You know, if it means anything to you, you can..." he started, but already guessing his intentions to pursue her into giving up her plan, Joy stopped him.

"No, I promised you."

"But you could stay here," he said hopeful. "We could stop it together."

"I can't," she looked up in his eyes. "Time has a price and I'm it."

"But..." he wanted to find a way, anyway to keep her there, by his side. "You're my daughter," he knew there was no solution.

"That was in another lifetime," she said closing her eyes.

"Another world," he hugged her closer to his chest and let out an unnecessary sigh. He felt as if he was losing something very important and half of his heart seemed to suddenly turn void. He thought it was funny as he was losing something he never had. But as Joy put it, that was in another lifetime.

Back at the Summers home, Buffy and Angel were standing in bed next to each other staring at the ceiling.

"Wow," the slayer let out.

"Right back at you," the vampire smiled.

"How come we never tried that before?" she asked contemplating the twisted bed sheets and feathers floating around them.

"I guess we never thought of it," he said removing a few stray white feathers from her hair, briefly wondering if they were from her angel wings.

"What is it?" she noticed him staring at her.

"Nothing," she always had angel wings in his dreams. There was a moment of silence before they both started laughing.

"Willow's gonna kill me for this," she stood up arranging her shirt. "Then again she wanted to kill me for a lot less a few months ago."

"Too much magic does that to people. It's like drugs, except you don't die because of it and hey, much cooler special effects."

"Or even better the special effects aren't all in your head," she picked up a pillow from the floor. "I just thought of something..." Angel gave her a strange look. "Not that!" she threw the pillow at him. "Do vampires get high if they drink from junkies?"

"I could tell you stories..." he chuckled. She gave him an odd look. "But I won't."

"Good. Somehow, I think I wouldn't get the pun," she looked at the mess the room was in. "So are you gonna help me or what?"

"I'll get a broom," he headed out of the room and downstairs. He found Connor eating in the kitchen.

"Couldn't sleep?" he asked him while he searched for the broom.

"More like you, Buffy and the farmyard noises woke me up," he looked up at him from his plate. Angel was speechless for a moment.

"Is Cordy awake too?" he asked deciding to ignore his words.

"Fortunately for her, she doesn't have superhearing," he paused before adding: "You say you love her and then you go doing whatever you did with the slayer. I don't get it."

"I don't expect you to," Angel stopped his search to look at his son. "Buffy...what I had with her, it was unique, I couldn't change it...I wouldn't change it for the world. She's the first person I ever loved as a vampire anyway. And there's always going to be something between us, no matter how many years will pass. If things could've gone any different between me and her I would've never left."

"And I would've never been born," Connor noted.

"I didn't say I wouldn't regret all I have now," he said and finally finding the broom headed upstairs again. Connor sat there, eating, wondering if his father wouldn't consider staying in Sunnydale with his precious slayer and letting him have Cordelia. It sounded like a great idea to him. He wondered how a person could love two women at once and how could his father, if he truly felt what he had told him he felt, leave the slayer behind.

Cordelia was awake, staring at the ceiling. She could hear Buffy and Angel talking in the other room. Laughing. For some reason it bothered her, like an irritating noise that bruised her eardrums, but it also felt right. Like it was something natural to hear. She found that reaction strange and wondered what she would have thought of it if she had had her memory back. Something suddenly occurred to her though: if she hadn't been amnesiac she wouldn't have come to Sunnydale. Why? She asked herself, but whoever had spoken that thought was now long gone.

She wished she could remember something, anything, but all she could recall, apparently, were the feelings she had around some people. She wanted to know if she had really felt something for Angel or if it had been all in the vampire's mind. Maybe she thought of him only as a friend, she told herself, but something inside her - the way she occasionally got butterflies in her stomach in his presence, the loving way she caught herself looking at him sometimes - told her she was probably just kidding herself. But what about this slayer? He obviously loved her and Buffy loved him back, but there was a barrier between them, an endless abyss of problems and monsters that kept them apart. Could Angel love anyone as much as he loved her? No one will ever be like Buffy, that little voice inside her mind answered her again. Who are you? Where are you? She wanted to ask it, but the voice was just the echo of her real self reaching out to her, but never managing to get too close.

The door to the room opened slowly and Joy entered as quietly as possible.

"You're awake," she noticed breaking out of her stealth mode.

"Yeah. I think I've been sleeping all morning," Cordy stood up from the bed and rubbed her eyes.

"You didn't miss out on anything. Everyone was up late last night. Demon hunting, that kind of stuff," she explained. "You seem to have something on your mind."

"That's been happening a lot lately. I'm just...trying to figure things out," she sighed. "But my mind seems to be determined to not give me any clues."

"You'll figure it out. Eventually," she assured her.

"I wish I could believe you."

"You should...," she held back the rest of the phrase: 'because I already know you will'. "I'm psychic," she added smiling instead. She looked at her and pitied her, because she knew the crimson events that would follow the return of her memories. She wished she could warn her, tell her what's hiding right under her eyes, but knew she had already done too much to the world. She couldn't change everything and maybe Cordelia needed this one fight to evolve even further away from the highschool cheerleader she had once been.

"Really?" Cordy asked skeptical, not sure what to believe anymore.

"No, I was joking," Joy chuckled. "Try loosening up. Might do you some good. Stop stressing about your memories. God knows a lot of people would kill to suddenly forget everything."

"Would you?" she looked over at the white haired girl.

"More than anything in the world," she sighed. "But that's not about to happen. That's the worse thing, knowing everything and having to do something you're totally horrified by," she paused. "You're forcing yourself too much. Take it easy and maybe the memories will just flow out."

"I wish it were that easy," Cordelia let herself slip back down on the pillows.

"It can be," she took the mantle she had been looking for and exited the room, leaving Cordy to wonder. It suddenly occurred to her how strange Joy was, even among the residents of the Summers home, how out of place. She talked as if she knew everything, but didn't want to be the one to know. She seemed familiar, but Cordy didn't know her or so she had been told. Could it be possible that she, Cordelia had met her on some occasion when she had been alone without the rest of the team? And if so, why would Joy hide this from her? Why would she herself never tell anyone about Joy? She felt frustrated, how could she remember a secret when her own mind was one gigantic secret?

Joy headed downstairs holding her mantle in her arms. With everything that had been going on she had almost forgot about something. She stopped in the living room to search the hidden pocket of the mantle. It held three things. A bag of quantum jelly, an old photograph and an amulet. She stopped for a moment to look at the photo. She remembered the exact day it had been taken. Her 10th birthday. It had been taken by Willow or rather by her magic through a floating camera. She caressed it gently. Her childhood had been such a happy one. She was in the center of the picture, a small girl with big green eyes and white hair tied into two perfect little tails, with a red smudge across her face, wearing a pretty green dress that matched her eyes. She was sitting in her father's lap, smiling, while her mother held a loving hand around her shoulders. To her right sat aunt Willow and Remy with Jacques sitting cross-legged at their feet. She smiled, he was the mischievous little boy she had grown up. With goofy red hair and a taste for dangerous adventures. It was good to know some people didn't change, as Jacques had become a mischievous teenager with the same old taste for danger. Next to her father sat uncle Wesley with Liam in his arms. Liam always needed someone to hold him, someone tangible, someone who didn't fade away like all those he had loved and lost in Los Angeles. And Liam's eyes always held a pinch of sadness no matter what. They were all so happy then. She wished she could have stopped time in its tracks, but back then she didn't know. For a brief moment she thought she saw the little girl in the picture wave at her and she shook her head. She knew it had been all in her imagination. Willow had always told her that, that picture was the real kind of magic. Now, Joy understood what she had meant to say.

She put the picture back in the secret pocket and looked at the amulet that had started everything. Actually one of the two that had started everything. Because there was another identical one in Jacques' possession. They had allowed her to return to the past to undo the future. It had been a miracle that she had found them while desperately searching for an answer to bring her mother back or even her father. Willow had refused to seek out such extreme measures, trying to reason with Buffy instead. It hadn't worked and while the witch began a battle against her best friend, Joy had already found a solution. She had talked to the Powers that be and they had not opposed her decision, but warned her of the consequences. Time was not an easy thing to change and most definitely not a trick that anyone could pull. Not even the most powerful of demons. The amulets, unique, would destroy themselves after being used once. And of course those who hold them also remember what has been changed. She put it back in the secret pocket and decided to return to happier things. She opened the bag of quantum jelly and took out one glowing red capsule and stared at it for a moment.

"What's that?" a voice startled her. It was Connor.

"Nothing, it's it's..." she was so sick of lying. "It's candy. Magic candy."

"Magic?" he looked at the small capsule with a grimace.

"It's quite good," she assured him eating the jelly from her hand. Connor awaited some sort of bizarre reaction, but nothing happened. Joy hesitated before asking: "Want one?"

Connor pondered the possibilities for a moment before taking a red capsule from the bag Joy had extended towards him. It tasted sweet, like chocolate, but flavored by some unknown fruit that made his tongue tingle in a pleasant way and made him want to hum. He smiled.

"You like it?" Joy asked and Connor nodded enthusiastically extending his hand to get another. Joy wondered what the quantum jelly limit was for those who never ate it before. She smiled, she was probably going to find out soon.

Around a half an hour and 10 quantum jellies later, Connor was floating around the living room smiling for no good reason, while Joy was slumped on the couch staring up at him.

"Those things are amazing!" Connor chuckled. "Where'd you get them?"

"You can get them at any candy store in 20 years," she said smiling.

"What?" he realized what she had just said.

"I said you can get them at any magic store for 20 bucks," she covered for herself.

"Oh," he knew she was lying but didn't bother to get into an argument. She didn't seem to have some sort of evil hidden agenda so she was okay in his book, no matter what kind of weird past she had. He couldn't say he had a normal past. "So can I have another?"

"Sure," she extended the half empty bag of jellies towards him and Connor took one. The instant he started chewing on it he took a new boost upwards, almost hitting the ceiling.

"What are you doing?" a very authoritative voice demanded to know.

Connor stumbled backwards startled, hitting the floor.

"Ouch," he let out when he found himself on the carpet.

"Well?" Dawn asked the two teenagers.

"Calm down, we're just eating candy," Joy showed her the bag of jellies.

"What kind of candy?" she asked skeptical.

"Jelly," Joy answered her.

"Magic jelly," Connor completed her sentence.

"Magic jelly. Isn't that dangerous?" Dawn knew what kind of consequences magic of any kind could have.

"Yeah, if you eat a couple of pounds of it," Joy told her, extending the bag. "Want one?"

"They're not like drugs or anything, are they?" Dawn wanted to be sure they weren't hazardous in anyway. Joy shook her head and extended the bag again. Dawn took one glowing capsule hesitantly and started chewing on it and immediately smiled.

"This is so good!" she let out laughing.

A half an hour later Buffy and Angel were coming downstairs after having cleaned Buffy's room. A strange sound was coming from the living room, like muffled fighting. Buffy and Angel shared a concerned look before carefully advancing towards it. The slayer slid the door open but was not prepared for what she saw. Connor, walking upside down on the ceiling and Dawn floating around the room, while Joy looked at them from the couch. Dawn and Connor were both laughing.

"Dawn!" Buffy yelled at her and the teenager looked at her with an expression that said 'busted'. "What the hell have you been up to?"

"No-nothing. Joy was just telling us this hilarious story about a guy that..."

"Dawn!" Buffy didn't have to say that, that wasn't what she had meant.

"We're just eating magic candy," Dawn tried to assure her sister.

"Connor, get down," Angel told his son on a tone that didn't seem to tolerate a no. Connor rolled his eyes and flipped off the ceiling in a perfect jump landing on his feet.

"Is this your doing?" Buffy looked at Joy. "Look, I said I would help you, but I didn't welcome you in my house so you would feed god knows what to my sister."

"I know and I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. It's basically harmless. The effects wear off in a few hours," Joy apologized.

"That better be true," Buffy told her, a bit more relieved. "And Dawn, stop floating around."

"Okay, okay," Dawn said standing back down on the carpet and turning her back towards her sister as she did. Buffy was horrified.

"What are those?!" the slayer pointed towards the small white wings coming out of Dawn back.

"Side effect," Joy immediately stood up from the couch to calm down Buffy. "That's what...fades away."

"I leave you alone for one hour and you grow wings," Buffy couldn't believe. "God!" she headed exasperated towards the kitchen, while Angel curiously studied Connor in search of some sort of anomaly. He had none.

"Don't worry it'll pass," Joy assured him, relieved Dawn and Connor hadn't gotten any of the freakier side effects, like splitting in two or growing a second pair of arms or legs. Angel knew she was probably telling the truth, but still felt uneasy. The front door suddenly rang. Angel went to answer it, while Joy, grabbing her mantle headed upstairs, leaving Connor alone in the living room. But she had left something behind. Something insignificant. The empty jelly bag. Connor picked it up and looked it over and something strange occurred to him, the expiration date was about 22 years into the future. He wondered if magic candy lasted that much or it meant something else. That something he had been suspecting for a while now. Folding the bag and putting it in his pocket he went upstairs to see if Cordelia had woken up.

Upstairs in Willow's room, Joy was alone. She had come there to talk to Jacques. The cajun took his time before appearing.

"Hi, Joycie," he smiled when he finally appeared.

"Do you remember the first time we ate quantum jelly?" she asked him looking down at the amulet she was playing with to pass the time.

"How could I forget? Moma brought it all the way from France. Me, you and Liam ate like a tone! You had a tail and claws, I had a twin for a coupla' hours and Liam grew those elf ears and started floatin' around. You were afraid we couldn't bring him down anymore," he smiled. The sweet sincere smile of remembrance.

"Yeah. You think all my memories are in here, somewhere?" she taped on the jewel in the center of the amulet that glowed strangely under her touch.

"Maybe they are. If you want them to be," he said thinking of his own amulet back home in the future. It was about time he started wearing it because soon time would start altering and he didn't want to get caught in the whirlwind of change.

Meanwhile downstairs, Angel found himself face to face with Spike, covered in a blanket, standing on the doorstep of the Summers home. Angel was lucky it was afternoon and the shadows hid him well enough from the sun outside, while the windows inside had been covered carefully by Buffy.

"Are you gonna move today?" the vampire complained.

"I'm still thinking about it. The idea of seeing you burn like a firecracker in sunlight is a tempting second choice," Angel said but after a moment moved letting him enter the house. Spike threw the blanket away letting out a sigh of relief.

"For a moment there I thought I was going to be flambé, mate," he smiled.

"Me too," his grandsire replied.

"Is Buffy around?" Spike asked looking past the other vampire towards the living room.

"Yeah, she's in the kitchen preaching Dawn on the danger of magic," Angel didn't see a good reason to not let him through, but wondered how he was going to keep Spike away from Buffy. He was torn between staying with Buffy and protecting her from the danger Joy had spoken of and his life in LA, with Cordelia and his son.

"What did the nibblet do now?" he asked amused.

"You mean Dawn?" he looked at him oddly. Spike always had a gift for strange names. "She ate magic candy and grew wings."

"Just like her to always get in trouble," he wondered where she had gotten magic candy from. He had a sneaking suspicion it had been from Joy. He was about to head for the kitchen when Angel stopped him.

"Spike..." he didn't know how to tell him about Buffy's grim future with him, without revealing Joy's secret. "You know you and Buffy aren't good together."

"That's a brilliant deduction, Sherlock. Did you need all of your detective skills for that one?" the vampire smirked. "Besides, I do believe you walked out on her and have lost your veto right, mate."

"This isn't right. I left her because I wanted her to have someone normal, not another vampire," Angel pointed out.

"It's her bloody choice, isn't it? She tried the normal bloke for a while, she didn't like it. She went and got herself another vampire. One with less...issues," he pressed on the last word. Angel gave him a cold stare. "Admit it, you're almost a bloody eunuch."

"I wish people would stop saying that," Angel mumbled to himself. "Just think of her, Spike, not you and your raging hormones."

"Fuck off," Spike said annoyed and headed for the kitchen. Sure he was going to leave Buffy, but he didn't need tall, dark and broody to tell him what the right choice was. He wished Joy would've kept the secret to herself. At least he wouldn't have Angel bugging him about it and insulting his feelings for Buffy, which were as real as his.

In the living room, Angel sighed exasperated. This was going to be tough. He had decided during his conversation with Joy, that he wasn't going to stop this relationship through Buffy. He thought it was unfair to use their history together to somehow influence the slayer. It would feel like emotional black mail and he knew he had done enough damage to her love life and interfered one too many times in it. He was going to try and solve this problem through Spike. It was the only way. Looking around the living room, something suddenly occurred to him. Somebody was missing. Where the hell was Wesley?

End Part 12