I'll Never Tell…
WARNING: Rated R for violence, sexual content, swearing and overall darkness. Don't like, don't read. Flames only keep me warm in winter.
NB: A dark Draco/Pansy shipping set in the sixth Hogwarts year. I own nothing.
Hi everybody!!! Sorry for such a delay but I've really been uninspired and busy for so long…Hope you can all forgive me!!!
Chapter Eight: Perfection…but it was 'just an accident'
PANSY POV:
Everything seems all right for now, apart from the fact that I don't want to sleep again. Adrienne visits me on these sleepless nights. I used to wonder how a Ravenclaw could know their way so well around the Slytherin area of Hogwarts so well, until I remembered the unusual amount of time she had been spending with Draco. They seem to make a good couple, yet I rarely see them together. Adrienne has this little habit of coming and going as she pleases without anybody even noticing. She's just left me now, after a short stay. Adrienne's a nice girl really, though a little eccentric. She never wants to talk about her relationship with Draco, or her past. If I ask, she either goes silent or changes the subject. I've learnt not to ask.
I wish Blaise were here right now, but he's probably fast asleep because it's late and he was exhausted from Quidditch practice. We have a game against those stupid Gryffindors this weekend, so the team has been trying harder than ever. I must admit, I'm a little jealous. Quidditch has been getting more attention than I have this week.
//You want attention, do you darling? Well, I can give you attention…I'll give you all the attention you want once I claim you as my own…//
My breath catches in my throat. The voice is back, and I hate it so much. It's been re-appearing when I least expect it, taunting my mind with its horrible, seductive words. At least I haven't had any more 'visions' as I call them. No more blood dripping all over the room or screaming Muggles. That was just too much for me to bear.
//I know you're scared, my beautiful girl…you shouldn't be…all I want is your soul, your being…//
"No. Go away. Please." My voice sounds so tiny, so fragile. I can hear the voice laughing, the laugh skimming over my mind like a strip of velvet.
//Darling, I'll always be here…there's nothing you can do about that…//
"Go. Away." My voice rises slightly, and I can feel my scared, frustrated hands twisting in my waist-length hair.
//You can't order me around…I'm your Master, my dear. I have complete control over you…you just don't know that yet…//
"Bullshit. I am the pawn of nobody! I am my own destiny, and nobody will ever own me!" I growl. I then stop to realise something. I have been having a conversation with a *voice inside my head.*
"Am I going insane or something?" I mutter. Fortunately, I receive no reply, so I can't be *completely* insane. Maybe I just need to take a walk and get some fresh air…
DRACO POV
Insomnia again. Isn't it wonderful? Of course, it's for the same reason. It turns out I really *do* have a conscience, at least, when it comes to Pansy I have one. I'm going to make her break, I just know it, and I wish I didn't have to, but it's not as if I have a choice.
"Do you ever sleep?" I turn my head. It's Pansy again. It's a little strange how she always turns up whenever I'm having guilty thoughts about her.
"No, dear, I believe I don't." I drawl calmly, patting the space on the lounge as she walks over. "But feel free to join me." She obliges, resting her head on my shoulder. Oh, Merlin! I wish she wouldn't do that, it's killing me. This friendly contact isn't enough for me and it's really increasing the guilt levels. Not only am I in love with my best friend, I have to wreck her life before the year is out.
"I think I'm going crazy." She says after a moment.
"Why?" She sighs.
"This is going to sound really stupid but I swore I could hear this horrible voice in my head only a few minutes ago and I almost wound up having a conversation with it." I snicker lightly.
"That's not insanity, Pansy. That's what happens when you don't get enough sleep. It happens to me too." She smiles gratefully but her eyes still have that uneasiness in them. "Something else wrong?" I ask, putting an arm around her. I almost immediately wish I hadn't because it only makes me ache for even more contact with her.
"I'm not sure that's all it is." She says hesitantly. She speaks slowly, deliberately.
"Oh, why not?" I ask. She snuggled closer towards me, head still on my shoulder.
"Do you remember that day I screamed and passed out in class?" Of course I do Pansy. I know why you did it too, and I'm so sorry it had to be that way, but that's the way things go.
"Yes, why?" I ask, feigning innocence. She moves her head from her shoulder and looks straight into my eyes.
"Draco, I fainted because I heard voices in my head and I…I could see things. I could see things that nobody else seemed to see. Horrific things."
"Like what?" I ask, still playing along. I know what you saw, Pansy. I saw it too, but I know it was nowhere near as bad for me. She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes for a moment before staring at me.
"Blood. Lots of blood, dripping all over the room. The walls were covered with running blood, it was dripping from the ceiling onto books and people. What sent me over the edge was when the blood began dripping onto me and…oh, Merlin, Draco! I could hear people screaming in pain and sheer terror. Not just one or two people, but thousands and I…I could hear this voice over the top of them. It was velvety, soft and cold. Cold and cruel, telling me that they would only stop screaming once I allowed the voice to take over me." She pauses to take a deep breath again. "Merlin, I swear that I knew that voice, but I just can't place a name to it…"
Her ice-blue eyes are fresh with unshed tears as she hugs me fiercely. She places a friendly, chaste kiss on my cheek.
"Thankyou so much, Draco." Her voice is soft and frail. "I know that I sound completely insane but thankyou so much for listening to my problems. You've always been there for me and I'll always be grateful for that. You're the best friend I've ever had."
The feel of her slender body pressed against mine is too much to bear and I can feel my desire for her taking over all of my ability to think logically. Without hesitation, I tilt her head up and kiss her gently on the cheek, then the other. Her face is wet with the tears that she has finally allowed to flow free and they taste salty, but I don't care. This is Pansy, the first, and most likely, the only girl I will ever fall in love with.
My mind is foggy as my mouth presses gently against hers, opening her mouth and allowing my tongue to slide against hers like velvet over velvet. It's everything I've ever wanted in a kiss. It's deep and passionate and I feel like liquid fire melting and pouring into her mouth yet at the same time it's so gentle it's like I'm trying to kiss a delicate flower. Well, I guess I am kissing a delicate flower. Her name is Pansy, after the flower, and she seems so delicate right now I feel as if I kiss her too hard she will fall to pieces and float away on the next zephyr. Pansy, Pansy, Pansy, my beautiful, delicate, perfect flower. I love you so much it hurts. I love you but I'm making you suffer and you don't even know it.
My whole world is impossibly perfect until, quite suddenly, she pulls away from me, her normally ivory skin flushed pink and ice blue eyes slightly glazed. But it's in shock and guilt, not lust or love, and what was, for a moment my impossibly perfect world begins to slowly, slowly fall to pieces before my very eyes.
"Oh, Merlin!" her voice is barely above a whisper as she pulls herself out of my embrace. "Oh Merlin, I'm sorry, Draco…"
"It's alright, Pans…" I try to reassure her as I wrap my arms around her once more. She moves away, shaking her head.
"No! No it isn't!" Her voice rises slightly. "You…We shouldn't have…" The tears are showing in her eyes again and I can feel a stab of guilt because I know that I caused these tears without intending to.
"Why not?" I ask, trying to keep my voice even. "I wanted it, and you kissed me back which seems to tell me that you wanted it too-"
"No, I mean yes, I mean…oh Merlin, Draco! It was just an accident because we weren't thinking clearly…yes, that's right, it was just an accident, a one-off thing, right Draco?" She grips my arm intently, her eyes boring into mine. I know what answer she wants me to give but I don't think I can. I blink, then stare back into her eyes.
"Right." I answer, and that one word rips my whole world apart. "It was just an accident. I'm sorry, Pansy." She smiles gratefully.
"Thanks, Draco." She yawns, putting one hand over her mouth. "I think I'll see if I can sleep now." She begins to exit and I turn back towards the fire, feeling utterly empty.
"Draco?" I turn my head slightly.
"Yes, Pansy?" If this were one of those Mudblood romance novels she would suddenly declare her love for me and jump into my arms and we would make passionate love on the lounge I am sitting on right now. I can almost smile at the thought of that.
"You won't tell anybody about this, will you?" But this is reality. I force a smile onto my face.
"Don't worry, Pansy. I'll never tell."
