Disclaimer: We don't own any of the characters, the real game show, or
Mississippi. Or Texas. But we may or may not own parts of Oregon.
Disclaimer #2: Um.We don't make any profit with this. But then again, why would we? We're posting this online. So, yeah. This is fiction, We're fans. FANfiction.
Pairing: B/A, S, B, R, and Andrew
Fire's Author notes: I think you're supposed to write these after you've written the chapter, so I will stop now and continue them afterwards. Yes, that's what I wrote Tutu. Tutu get the damn Dr. Pepper your self, you're a lazy hobo! Bring it! I'm not afraid of you!!!
Tutu's Author notes: I'm gonna write my notes before the story, just 'cuz I'm sane. And you should get me the Dr. Pepper. It's your cup. Therefore, in Tutu's theory land, it is your responsibility to get me pants and Dr. Pepper. That's just the way it is. Live with it. Anyway, read the story. Tell us if we're elephants or white rhinos. I believe that we're some sick hybrid of both animals.
Dedicated: To Australian Frilled Lizards!!! And to the hope that some day our countries national colors will be chartreuse and lime. Actually it's dedicated to Sarah Michelle Gellar and David Boreanez. We love you both, in very different ways.
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It's a dark, stormy night. Ha! Just kidding! It's actually a bright, sunny day where happy people are dancing, singing (terribly), and frolicking from roller coaster to roller coaster. That's right, there's frolic! The happy sun people are skipping, except for that large, beefy woman standing in the corner, with crazy, shifty eyes. And her sinister looking penciled-in eyebrows.
The sun shines down on the amusement park, enhancing the amusement in the park. (hahahaha) The birds twitter and tweet in the spirit of happiness. But something lurks in the corner by the bathroom. There is no song and dance there. The something lurks in the shadows beneath an old fun house, long out of order. (A/N: Not literally underneath)
Cautiously an arm is extended out of the darkness. The moment sunlight falls upon the white, white, white, really white, like-we're-not-kidding- white, He's-been-dead-a-long-time-white skin, the arm snakes back into the shadows like a jet plane. A really fast jet plane. A super, Uber-fast Jet plane. Like-really-really-we're-not-kidding-fast-fast-jet plane. Fast-Fast!
Spike (hesitantly, which is weird 'cuz he likes to talk, a lot): A-are we sure it's okay?
Angel (he's also hesitant, and worried, that's why he's sweating so much even though his body is technically dead): I don't know. Let me brood about it.
Angel broods. But he can't brood hard enough. He's such a failure.
Lorne: Okay. Sissy and Sissy pants, you need to work on your fear of sunshine later on the show when you die.
Spike: We die?
Lorne: Everybody dies someday.
Angel: Not us! We're immortal! We'll be here when the Earth gets sucked into this big black hole and everything there is so different, that we'd have to read backwards!
Lorne: You're a freak.
Angel: Yes, but you're green.
Lorne (in shock): What? Oh my God, I am! Who did this? Who did this?
Large, beefy woman shifts eyes that are under sinister penciled-in eyebrows.
Lorne: Anyway, now that I'm over my trauma, lets get the date started.
Lorne grabs their sexy jacket collars and pulls them out into the light that emanates from this large, yellow orb that floats in the sky. But people from North Dakota call it the sun. Freaks.
Angel/Spike: Aaaahhhhhh! We're melting! We're melting!
Angel: Wait. We don't melt, we burn.
Spike: 'oh yeah.
Angel/Spike: Aaaaaah we're burning! We're burning!
Angel: I deserve this so I shall take this punishment with dignity and grace.
Spike: No! I won't die! Yes I have a soul! But I'm evil! No, good! No, evil! No! I'm a democratic! Someone find a fire extinguisher!
Buffy appears suddenly because the Zen Master sent her to save the day. But she doesn't.
Buffy: You're not burning. You look a little tan, tan-as-in-you-don't-look- as-dead-now. Be thankful.
Angel: 'oh my God! You're the most beautiful creature that I've ever seen!
Buffy: You're only saying that 'cuz you have a thing for blondes.
Spike: He better not. I may not be a natural blonde, but many find my peroxide color near normal.
Angel: I don't think you're attractive.
Andrew (who appeared suddenly because Obi Wan sent him): Do you find me attractive?
Angel: No. well.. No.
Andrew becomes sullen and buys cotton candy. Which makes him extremely hyper so he starts jumping sixty feet into the air and sings "I Think I'm a Clone Now". Buffy cringes but finds it sexy. She has issues.
Spike: Okay, the only way I'll be able to get that bloody image out of my mind is to have therapy sex. (Looks at Buffy expectently)
Buffy: Wait until I'm depressed.
Spike: Okay.
Buffy: Where is everybody? I'm supposed to have five men, right? Where are my sexy cuddles?
Lorne: Hold on there lil' Miss. Piss. They should be here any minute now! Wait, look up in the sky!
Angel: It's a banshee wearing a tutu!
Spike: No! It's a paper bag in flames!
Buffy: No! It's a man in tights! And/or tight spandex. And they're purple!
(Fire jumps in and saves any shred of dignity that Riley might have left and puts him in army fatigues.)
Riley (to Author: But I like purple. It's a very sensitive color. Buffy must know I'm sensitive. Tell her that!
Fire: Shut Up. I'm in charge. I have cosmic writing powers.
Tutu: You'd think that, wouldn't you? God you're so selfish. Go buy me those damn pants!
Fire notices that she and Tutu are in the middle of a story and goes back to writing.
Riley, now dressed sexily in army fatigues (and hiding purple socks, 'cause he's sensitive on the inside) Floats down out of the sky, having just parachuted out of an airplane at 14,000 ft.
He lands amidst the cameras and awed spectators. Now, assured of his uber- coolness, he struts towards Buffy. The awed spectators, having become a crowd, spot Tony the Tiger and run off to mob him.
Riley: (shrugs) So much for fame.
Buffy: I'm not impressed. (She flips her hair *indignantly*) I have a thing for men without pulses. And nerdy computer freaks who are blonde and have an odd love for Yoda.
Everyone looks at Andrew.
Andrew: Yay! I'm Sexy. That means I'm sexy right? (Muttering under his breath) I always knew I was sexy. I just had to wait for the rest of the world to notice.
He then flies all over the world, announcing his sexiness. Women of all ages fall in love with him, but he chooses a Russian princess and lives in a very large castle with sexy waiters. But it doesn't work out, so their thirty-second marriage becomes a total failure, so he flies back to Elimidate. Buffy smiled. Angel drooled. Spike got drunk and fell on his ass. All under a minute! (A/N: We really do have cosmic writing powers)
Angel (who has fallen passionately in love with Buffy): I'm gonna strip!
Ben: No! You don't know how! (Ben also appeared suddenly, but that's because he has a woman living inside of him. He'll come out of the closet sooner or later)
Angel: Can you teach me?
Ben: No, I wanna swim
But since there's no swimming pool, they all decide to *finally* get to the date.
Lorne: For those of you who are blind, we are in an amusement park for the first part of the date.
Angel: None of us are blind.
Lorne: No, but you're all idiots.
All look hurt. But they get over it fast because of their short-term memory.
Lorne: You each will go on a ride with Buffy to get to know her. Andrew will go on a roller coaster with her.
Andrew: I'm allergic to roller coasters.
Lorne: Life's tough. Riley and Buffy will go on that thing where the seats are shaped like eggs and you go around and around 'til you empty your stomach of your breakfast burrito.
Riley: I had pancakes, I don't like burritos.
(A/N: Tutu and Fire are deeply offended because we are from the southwest and take our food very seriously. But don't worry, we'll punish him soon.)
Fire: But not too harshly, 'cause I like Riley. Even with his horrid dislike of burritos. *shivers with horror*
Buffy: I'm not impressed. (She flips her hair *indignantly*)
Lorne: Spike and Buffy will go into the fun house together.
Spike: I'm a Republican!
Lorne: Right. Go away.
Spike doesn't, but he does buy an elephant.
Lorne: Buffy and Ben will go on the water ride. Do you wanna get wet?
Ben: Sure. I've been told I'm very sexy when I'm glistening.
Lorne: And finally, Buffy and Angel will go on the merry-go-round.
Angel and Buffy smile. But then they realize that a lot of little kids peed on all of the plastic horses and they become terribly terrified.
Lorne: Right then. Since we wasted so much time, and wasted a butt-load of money (A/N: The authors do know that Lorne would never say butt-load, but guess what? COSMIC POWERS!) So, we shall continue this next time on."ELIMIDATE"!
Buffy, her five suitors, Lorne and Fred the Camera guy go into a football huddle.
Riley: Blue 42.
Every one stares at him like he just grew two pigs out of his armpits.
Riley: Sorry, I just kinda got into the spirit of things.
(Tutu laughs, because Fire just wrote that, yet Fire always makes fun of Tutu's school spirit.) (Fire does not!) (Fire does too!)
Anyway, the group, huddled together, shouts "Break!" in unison and rushes home whooping and screaming. All's well in the world. Except for the large, beefy woman with crazy, shifty eyes and sinister looking penciled-in eyebrows. What is she up too?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fire's Author Notes: This is fun to write. Does anyone ever read Author Notes? I could go on and on about goats and armpit anomalies and everyone might not notice. Yay Buffy!
Disclaimer #2: Um.We don't make any profit with this. But then again, why would we? We're posting this online. So, yeah. This is fiction, We're fans. FANfiction.
Pairing: B/A, S, B, R, and Andrew
Fire's Author notes: I think you're supposed to write these after you've written the chapter, so I will stop now and continue them afterwards. Yes, that's what I wrote Tutu. Tutu get the damn Dr. Pepper your self, you're a lazy hobo! Bring it! I'm not afraid of you!!!
Tutu's Author notes: I'm gonna write my notes before the story, just 'cuz I'm sane. And you should get me the Dr. Pepper. It's your cup. Therefore, in Tutu's theory land, it is your responsibility to get me pants and Dr. Pepper. That's just the way it is. Live with it. Anyway, read the story. Tell us if we're elephants or white rhinos. I believe that we're some sick hybrid of both animals.
Dedicated: To Australian Frilled Lizards!!! And to the hope that some day our countries national colors will be chartreuse and lime. Actually it's dedicated to Sarah Michelle Gellar and David Boreanez. We love you both, in very different ways.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's a dark, stormy night. Ha! Just kidding! It's actually a bright, sunny day where happy people are dancing, singing (terribly), and frolicking from roller coaster to roller coaster. That's right, there's frolic! The happy sun people are skipping, except for that large, beefy woman standing in the corner, with crazy, shifty eyes. And her sinister looking penciled-in eyebrows.
The sun shines down on the amusement park, enhancing the amusement in the park. (hahahaha) The birds twitter and tweet in the spirit of happiness. But something lurks in the corner by the bathroom. There is no song and dance there. The something lurks in the shadows beneath an old fun house, long out of order. (A/N: Not literally underneath)
Cautiously an arm is extended out of the darkness. The moment sunlight falls upon the white, white, white, really white, like-we're-not-kidding- white, He's-been-dead-a-long-time-white skin, the arm snakes back into the shadows like a jet plane. A really fast jet plane. A super, Uber-fast Jet plane. Like-really-really-we're-not-kidding-fast-fast-jet plane. Fast-Fast!
Spike (hesitantly, which is weird 'cuz he likes to talk, a lot): A-are we sure it's okay?
Angel (he's also hesitant, and worried, that's why he's sweating so much even though his body is technically dead): I don't know. Let me brood about it.
Angel broods. But he can't brood hard enough. He's such a failure.
Lorne: Okay. Sissy and Sissy pants, you need to work on your fear of sunshine later on the show when you die.
Spike: We die?
Lorne: Everybody dies someday.
Angel: Not us! We're immortal! We'll be here when the Earth gets sucked into this big black hole and everything there is so different, that we'd have to read backwards!
Lorne: You're a freak.
Angel: Yes, but you're green.
Lorne (in shock): What? Oh my God, I am! Who did this? Who did this?
Large, beefy woman shifts eyes that are under sinister penciled-in eyebrows.
Lorne: Anyway, now that I'm over my trauma, lets get the date started.
Lorne grabs their sexy jacket collars and pulls them out into the light that emanates from this large, yellow orb that floats in the sky. But people from North Dakota call it the sun. Freaks.
Angel/Spike: Aaaahhhhhh! We're melting! We're melting!
Angel: Wait. We don't melt, we burn.
Spike: 'oh yeah.
Angel/Spike: Aaaaaah we're burning! We're burning!
Angel: I deserve this so I shall take this punishment with dignity and grace.
Spike: No! I won't die! Yes I have a soul! But I'm evil! No, good! No, evil! No! I'm a democratic! Someone find a fire extinguisher!
Buffy appears suddenly because the Zen Master sent her to save the day. But she doesn't.
Buffy: You're not burning. You look a little tan, tan-as-in-you-don't-look- as-dead-now. Be thankful.
Angel: 'oh my God! You're the most beautiful creature that I've ever seen!
Buffy: You're only saying that 'cuz you have a thing for blondes.
Spike: He better not. I may not be a natural blonde, but many find my peroxide color near normal.
Angel: I don't think you're attractive.
Andrew (who appeared suddenly because Obi Wan sent him): Do you find me attractive?
Angel: No. well.. No.
Andrew becomes sullen and buys cotton candy. Which makes him extremely hyper so he starts jumping sixty feet into the air and sings "I Think I'm a Clone Now". Buffy cringes but finds it sexy. She has issues.
Spike: Okay, the only way I'll be able to get that bloody image out of my mind is to have therapy sex. (Looks at Buffy expectently)
Buffy: Wait until I'm depressed.
Spike: Okay.
Buffy: Where is everybody? I'm supposed to have five men, right? Where are my sexy cuddles?
Lorne: Hold on there lil' Miss. Piss. They should be here any minute now! Wait, look up in the sky!
Angel: It's a banshee wearing a tutu!
Spike: No! It's a paper bag in flames!
Buffy: No! It's a man in tights! And/or tight spandex. And they're purple!
(Fire jumps in and saves any shred of dignity that Riley might have left and puts him in army fatigues.)
Riley (to Author: But I like purple. It's a very sensitive color. Buffy must know I'm sensitive. Tell her that!
Fire: Shut Up. I'm in charge. I have cosmic writing powers.
Tutu: You'd think that, wouldn't you? God you're so selfish. Go buy me those damn pants!
Fire notices that she and Tutu are in the middle of a story and goes back to writing.
Riley, now dressed sexily in army fatigues (and hiding purple socks, 'cause he's sensitive on the inside) Floats down out of the sky, having just parachuted out of an airplane at 14,000 ft.
He lands amidst the cameras and awed spectators. Now, assured of his uber- coolness, he struts towards Buffy. The awed spectators, having become a crowd, spot Tony the Tiger and run off to mob him.
Riley: (shrugs) So much for fame.
Buffy: I'm not impressed. (She flips her hair *indignantly*) I have a thing for men without pulses. And nerdy computer freaks who are blonde and have an odd love for Yoda.
Everyone looks at Andrew.
Andrew: Yay! I'm Sexy. That means I'm sexy right? (Muttering under his breath) I always knew I was sexy. I just had to wait for the rest of the world to notice.
He then flies all over the world, announcing his sexiness. Women of all ages fall in love with him, but he chooses a Russian princess and lives in a very large castle with sexy waiters. But it doesn't work out, so their thirty-second marriage becomes a total failure, so he flies back to Elimidate. Buffy smiled. Angel drooled. Spike got drunk and fell on his ass. All under a minute! (A/N: We really do have cosmic writing powers)
Angel (who has fallen passionately in love with Buffy): I'm gonna strip!
Ben: No! You don't know how! (Ben also appeared suddenly, but that's because he has a woman living inside of him. He'll come out of the closet sooner or later)
Angel: Can you teach me?
Ben: No, I wanna swim
But since there's no swimming pool, they all decide to *finally* get to the date.
Lorne: For those of you who are blind, we are in an amusement park for the first part of the date.
Angel: None of us are blind.
Lorne: No, but you're all idiots.
All look hurt. But they get over it fast because of their short-term memory.
Lorne: You each will go on a ride with Buffy to get to know her. Andrew will go on a roller coaster with her.
Andrew: I'm allergic to roller coasters.
Lorne: Life's tough. Riley and Buffy will go on that thing where the seats are shaped like eggs and you go around and around 'til you empty your stomach of your breakfast burrito.
Riley: I had pancakes, I don't like burritos.
(A/N: Tutu and Fire are deeply offended because we are from the southwest and take our food very seriously. But don't worry, we'll punish him soon.)
Fire: But not too harshly, 'cause I like Riley. Even with his horrid dislike of burritos. *shivers with horror*
Buffy: I'm not impressed. (She flips her hair *indignantly*)
Lorne: Spike and Buffy will go into the fun house together.
Spike: I'm a Republican!
Lorne: Right. Go away.
Spike doesn't, but he does buy an elephant.
Lorne: Buffy and Ben will go on the water ride. Do you wanna get wet?
Ben: Sure. I've been told I'm very sexy when I'm glistening.
Lorne: And finally, Buffy and Angel will go on the merry-go-round.
Angel and Buffy smile. But then they realize that a lot of little kids peed on all of the plastic horses and they become terribly terrified.
Lorne: Right then. Since we wasted so much time, and wasted a butt-load of money (A/N: The authors do know that Lorne would never say butt-load, but guess what? COSMIC POWERS!) So, we shall continue this next time on."ELIMIDATE"!
Buffy, her five suitors, Lorne and Fred the Camera guy go into a football huddle.
Riley: Blue 42.
Every one stares at him like he just grew two pigs out of his armpits.
Riley: Sorry, I just kinda got into the spirit of things.
(Tutu laughs, because Fire just wrote that, yet Fire always makes fun of Tutu's school spirit.) (Fire does not!) (Fire does too!)
Anyway, the group, huddled together, shouts "Break!" in unison and rushes home whooping and screaming. All's well in the world. Except for the large, beefy woman with crazy, shifty eyes and sinister looking penciled-in eyebrows. What is she up too?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fire's Author Notes: This is fun to write. Does anyone ever read Author Notes? I could go on and on about goats and armpit anomalies and everyone might not notice. Yay Buffy!
