Make It Go Away
The apartment was completely dark. The ratty, old curtains would not allow the light from the
streets in. Once the door creaked open, the darkened apartment took on some illumination and began
to live again.
Luka walked in with a huge box in his arms and placed it on the floor. He reached for the light
switch and turned it on.
"This is it," he declared.
Abby followed him with a smaller box in her arms. She looked around.
"Yeah."
Luka was nonplussed.
"What?"
Abby forced a polite smile.
"Nothing." She looked around again. "It's just that I've seen bigger."
"It's big enough for me," Luka said definitively. He looked at Abby. "For you."
Abby avoided his eyes.
"Luka..."
He leaned his weight on one foot.
"Please, Abby, reconsider."
Abby shook her head.
"No, Luka. And I don't want to talk about it again."
Luka looked chagrined. Abby thought quickly to fill up the awkward silence.
"Where do you want this?"
"Just anywhere," Luka said. "I won't have furniture until tomorrow."
Abby smirked.
"Day off, huh?"
"Yeah," Luka nodded.
Lucky bastard. But then again, he rarely had any days off.
Luka's face took on a devious expression.
"You know, you could say you are not feeling well tomorrow and..."
Abby could see where this was going.
"Give up a day of menial labour at the E.R. for a day of menial labour here?"
Luka moved to her and nuzzled his lips on her neck.
"It doesn't have to be. You could help me test my new bed."
Abby giggled but stopped herself. She couldn't let Luka get too naughty.
"I would never get away with it."
Luka looked at her, stunned.
"But I could back you up."
Abby laughed.
"That's why it would never work!"
Luka laughed, too. He returned to her neck, his energy derived from Abby's giggles. A knock
on the door brought everything to a full stop.
"Sorry," a man apologized.
Luka and Abby returned to a chaste composure and allowed the landlord in.
"I'm just here to give you your key to the backdoor."
He handed Luka a key and made way to the door.
"Thank you, Mr. Kustan."
Abby giggled when he left and picked up where Luka left off.
*
Tuesday mornings, A.A. meetings. Abby did not tell Luka where she was going. In fact, he
rarely asked such things. He was neither possessive or inquisitorial. Or did not care. Whatever the
reason may be, Abby was relieved she did not have to divulge an ugly truth to a man she had a tenuous
grasp on. It wasn't glamourous, she once told Carter. She was a drunk.
Abby folded her hands on her lap and stared blankly before her. A nudge on her arm roused
her from her lethargy.
"Yeah?"
Carter looked at her with annoyed eyes.
"And you yell at me for not paying attention!"
Abby looked chagrined.
"Sorry. I was just thinking about something."
Carter relaxed his offensive.
"Do you want to go out after this? Get something to eat, maybe?"
Abby sadly shook her head.
"I can't. I have to go somewhere after this."
*
Abby could see Luka from his apartment window, smoking a forbidden cigarette. The ugly
curtains had been removed. His hair was wet and he wore the dark blue sweater she had gotten him.
When he saw her, he smiled and mashed out his cigarette.
"Hurry up!" he cried. "I need your help with something!"
"Okay!" Abby cried back and ran up to Luka's apartment.
The door was already open. The place looked different. He scrubbed it out and, at last, had
furniture. It was not adorned with anything. No posters, plants, not anything.
"Abby!"
He swung her off her feet and then replaced her on the ground.
"This place is looking better, huh?"
Abby nodded.
"Yeah. It could use a poster or throw rug or something."
Luka at first looked rebuked but then agreed. Women always knew about these things, he
thought.
"Alright. Then what else?"
Abby laughed at him though he remained earnest. He was so cute when he was earnest.
"Luka, you can do what ever you want to this place. You can paint an elephant on the ceiling
for all I care!"
Luka fumbled for a pen and paper.
"Let me write this down."
Abby stopped him. He looked bashful, blushed and laughed. Abby laughed as well.
"Sorry," he apologized. "I, um... I'm not good at making things look aesthetically pleasing."
Abby jostled him.
"Nah. Just settle in. This place will take a shape of its own."
Luka hoped so. If she would only move in, his new home would start to look more like a home.
Isn't that what everyone wanted?
Luka reclined on his couch. Abby marvelled at the size of it. It was, length-wise, almost as tall
as Luka was.
"I got this from a man who knows tall people."
Abby sat next to him. Her feet barely touched the floor. Indeed, the entire apartment, now that
she thought of it, was wholly suited to Luka the friendly giant. The only cupboards Luka had to stand on
his toes to reach would require Abby to use a ten-foot ladder. The porcelain tub was no more than a
step for him but a climb for her. The locks of the windows needed chairs to reach them. Now the
furniture complimented his towering form. And he wanted her to live with him?! Only if she wore stilts
every day!
"Um, Luka?"
Luka turned to her.
"Yes?"
"Haven't you noticed a disparity between my height and your height and how it relates to the
apartment?"
Luka was baffled.
"Disparity? I don't understand."
"You know, like, not proportionate, not equal."
"Yes, I know what disparity means. I just don't know what you mean."
Abby furrowed her brow and waved her hand around her.
"Well, Luka... I can't reach anything here."
Luka inched nearer to her.
"But that's why you have me. I can reach things for you."
"And what if you're not here?"
"We'll get a little step ladder."
He crept closer.
"Are you afraid of anything big?"
He started nibbling on her ear. She tried to stop him but couldn't stop giggling.
"No, no! I'm trying to have a discussion here! Luka! No! Bad boy!"
Any talk now of the apartment and dimensions in any respect was quelled in favour of sex in the
afternoon.
**
Luka and Abby fell asleep on the couch built for tall people. His hair had since dried. He
looked so calm when he was asleep. He wasn't imposing. He looked like a child, occasionally rubbing
his eyes and sighing. Abby loved it when he looked vulnerable. She wanted to cradle him and protect
him from the rest of the world.
She looked at his partially uncovered body. Her fingers danced and stepped along its contours,
every now and then stopping to kiss a part she found pleasing. Luka's body was a map, a perfectly
formed though slightly marred map. His chest was rolling hills; his ribs caverns; his belly button a
sinkhole; his scar, the ugly whitish spot that once burned an ugly red on his shoulder, was a patch of ice
that swirled in one fixed position. She moved her fingers over to it and, remembering his initial reaction
to her insensible touches the first time they made love, hovered over that spot. There was a cold space
over it, as if it were actually made of ice. She wanted to kiss it, as if doing so would actually soothe the
pain. She made no move, however, other than keep her fingers suspended over his scar. Luka turned
and her fingers came in contact with the scar. Instantly, Luka's eyes shot open and his hand clasped
Abby's. Now he became imposing, frightening.
"Don't touch me there."
His eyes lost their warm hazelness and became alien and angry. Luka was not the same man
who had but hours ago kissed and caressed her playfully. Immediately, Abby remembered the night he
killed the mugger. His hand remained firm in the grasp of her hand, never slackening for a second.
"I-I'm sorry," Abby stammered.
She looked to her clasped hand.
"Luka, you're hurting me..."
Luka loosened his grip. His face changed. He wasn't angry any more. He didn't even realize he
had grabbed her hand.
Abby rose from the couch and dressed.
"I have to go to work."
Luka followed her.
"Abby, wait. I didn't mean to..."
Abby did not listen to him and fled his apartment, barely pausing to do up the remainder of the
buttons on her shirt. She shut the door loudly and succinctly.
Luka, struck by his own lack of awareness, tried to reach for her, even after she left. It
happened again.
"Shit!"
**
Abby stifled back frightened tears. She had never been so frightened before in her life. It was
as though Luka had two personalities, one not aware of the other. She gripped her car keys. She
thought of calling Carter but what could she tell him? That Luka tried to kill her? No. There would be
no point. She started the car and drove away from her apartment.
**
Abby! Abby! Where are yoooooou?!
Abby tied to shut that voice and its annoying drawl out of her head.
Her mother humiliated her in front of her co-workers. She could never live it down. She
expected to be stared at and badgered or the awkwardness that follows when something like that
happened. It only seemed to happen to her, though.
Abby knocked on Luka's door hesitantly, having found the courage to face him again.
The door opened. Luka seemed genuinely surprised to see Abby.
"Abby?"
The woman pouted.
"Come in, Abby." Luka offered. " What's wrong?"
Abby hesitated before answering Luka.
"I can't stay with my mother."
Luka seemed troubled.
"But she's your mama, Abby."
Abby scowled at him.
"I never wanted her to be."
Luka did not understand. He looked out the window at the drizzled gray streets. He resumed
his gaze at Abby.
"I need a cigarette. Will you join me?"
Abby smiled.
"I thought you'd never ask."
**
Abby was down to the last puff of her cigarette. She looked at the shivering Luka breathing
wisps of pale smoke from his lips.
"Luka?"
He looked at her.
"What does ja sam kriv mean?"
Luka trembled. How did she know?
"I hear you say it a lot when you're asleep," she revealed. "What does it mean?"
Luka continued to smoke, his intakes increasing in intensity.
"Does it have something to do with the war?"
"Abby!" Luka snapped nervously.
He could see she was shaken. He tried to reassure her with a smile.
"Abby, I think there are a lot of things you do not say to me."
Luka threw away his finished cigarette.
"It's nothing," he lied. He smiled gently. "Come. Let's go inside. You're cold."
He took Abby by the hand and raced down the fire escape to his apartment. The rain started
heavy again. By the time the two got inside, they were drenched.
Luka smiled and shook the rain out of his hair.
"This cannot be November weather!"
Abby smiled back.
"Freak weather," she shrugged. "What are you going to do?"
Luka's smile became relaxed. He held Abby in his gaze. His hands enveloped her face. He
moved his mouth to her's and kissed her. She returned the kiss slowly, each pulse growing stronger
with the moments. Luka lifted Abby from the floor and carried her into his room. He started peeling off
her clothes, kissing each part of flesh as it became exposed. She allowed him, relaxing into his embrace.
She reached for the switch of the lamp and shut if off.
**
Sleep produced disjointed images and sensations in the mind. Memories of soccer practice in
Grade Four, the cigarette smoke in a bar, the nursery on the OB ward, a warm fall day, the bike
trauma, the grieving guilty woman who inadvertently killed him.
Abby's eyes shot open. What if Luka wanted children? Oh God. That baby in his arms today
was a harbinger, a sign of things to come. That couldn't be!
Abby shot up. Luka was auspiciously missing from her side. Maybe he brushing his teeth or
taking a shower. Good. She decided to get up now, before it was too late.
**
My race is run beneath the sun. A scaffold now waits for me. For I did murder that dear
little girl whose name was Rose Connelly....
Luka could hear the gentle cadences of Abby's voice soothing the child to sleep. Through his
half-closed eyes, he thought he could see them- mother and child walking back and forth, waiting for
sleep to reclaim them. But when he opened his eyes, only a ghost with the deepest brown hair and
warm tan face was there.
"I knew you would be here."
The brunette looked at Luka. A gentle smile came upon her face but she did not answer him.
Luka sat at the kitchen table.
"I always thought you would come back, even for a little while. Sometimes, I think I can hear
you saying my name or singing."
The brunette did not reply. Her soft green eyes had a glow about them that was warm and
soothing. She sat at the table with Luka.
"I wish you would speak to me," Luka implored. "Let me hear you one more time."
The brunette did not answer him. Her silence tortured him. Nothing about her communicated
anything to Luka and this killed him with each beat of silence.
"Please..."
"Govori mene...molim...."
"Luka?"
Luka shot up from the table. Had he been dreaming? He saw Abby was ready to leave.
"Oh.....Abby... I must have fallen asleep and....."
Abby gave an awkward smile.
"No, uh.... I, uh, have to go."
Luka reached out for her.
"Wait! Let me get you breakfast."
Abby shook her head.
"I really can't."
Luka nodded disappointedly.
"Alright."
"I'll see you at work," Abby said and made her way out the door.
Luka nodded and waved slightly. He bit his bottom lip and tucked in the chair.
Another breakfast alone.
**
The smoggy air in all its crispness stung Abby's chuckling cheeks. Yes, she ignored Carter's
page. No use in hearing old news. Maggie was gone. Like the time before and the time before that.
Same old, same old.
"Abby?!"
Abby turned to the voice that called her.
Carter was walking toward her very quickly.
"Didn't you get my page?"
Abby only smiled.
"I know."
Carter seemed confused.
"Legaspi was getting a bed for your mother and she ran."
Abby only nodded.
"I know."
Abby sipped her newly-bought coffee.
"It's the dance we do. We get lost in it for a little while, but it always ends the same."
Carter looked sorry even though Abby had asked him not to be. He opened his mouth to
speak.
"Would you like....?"
"Carter!"
Luka walked through the bay doors, wrapping a scarf about his neck.
"There is a patient whose labs have not yet come in."
Carter nodded, without even looking at Luka.
"I'll be sure to tell Weaver."
Luka nodded his thanks and wrapped his arm around Abby. The two lovers walked away
from the hospital towards the El tracks.
Carter's eyes burned them from a distance.
**
Luka had fallen right asleep. He could do that. It was as though the day had not happened to
him. Abby could not stand it. Slipping out from under the blanket, she emerged into the bathroom and
locked the door. Now fully alone, Abby ran the water and started to cry.
**
Luka had the morning shift this week. Abby worked in the evening, a shift she shared with
Carter. It pained her not to be able to go home with Luka but next week promised shared shifts.
Maybe that was a good thing.
A trauma came in, flying through like a gale force wind. Abby and Carter were left to dispose
of the narcotic drugs and clean up. She regarded him. He laboured under the strain his own pain, she
thought. Lucy's death, drug use, his own self-loathing. He took the punches and rolled with them. He
might not have seemed it, but he was a hell of a fighter.
Abby finished disposing of the needles and vials and went to the lounge to get some coffee.
Carter came in after her. He helped himself to the stale coffee. He said nothing, just sighed once,
heavily.
"There are times when I just don't want to be here," he revealed.
"That's everyday for me," Abby joked.
Carter seemed to tired to acknowledge her joke.
Silence.
Abby swished around the last swallow of coffee.
"I'm not doing anything tomorrow night, you know."
Carter did not seemed interested.
"I thought you were."
Abby knew, but did not say, he meant Luka. She wanted to explain to Carter what it was like
with him. She and Luka never talked. He had a pain all to his own and didn't want to talk about it. He
also did not know that she was an alcoholic. There were a lot of things neither of them knew.
"Well...I'm not."
Carter did not want to answer Abby. She would always return to Luka, much to his disgust.
What did he offer Abby? She always came back to him to talk. Luka was a cold bastard, Carter
decided. Abby needed someone to talk to, not screw her and certainly not screw her over.
"Well, do you want to do something when the shift is over?" Abby asked. "I'm off in an hour."
Carter looked vaguely interested.
"Let's get something to eat," Abby invited.
Carter put his hands in his pockets.
"Are you sure Luka wouldn't mind?"
Abby didn't like Carter's insinuation but decided to brush it off.
"Do you want chicken wings or not?"
Carter raised an excited brow.
"Chicken wings?! Well! Who can say no to that?"
Abby smiled.
"In an hour then!
Carter nodded.
"You lead, I follow."
**
Abby and Carter sat in the smoky-hazed diner where no natural light ever shone. A waitress
put down a menu and glasses of water and left them.
Carter sipped his water. Abby toyed with her napkin.
"How are things going?" she asked. "I mean- are you avoiding temptation?"
Carter toyed with his straw.
"It creeps up on me, you know. I mean, I'm surrounded by drugs every day and who would
notice if five milligrams of this or that is missing, you know what I mean?"
"It's hard," she replied, "and it doesn't get easier."
Carter nodded reluctantly in agreement.
"It's like my life is a gigantic boulder rolling down one side of a hill and when I roll it back up, it
just rolls down the other side."
Abby was intrigued by Carter's analogy. He smiled.
"Benefits of a Classical education."
Abby returned the smile.
"Well, I never attended the Ivy League schools you did but you could say your life is like the
boulder that runs over Wile E. Coyote. Benefits of a Bugs Bunny education."
Carter laughed.
Silence. They tried not to look at one another. Each inadvertent glance gave them goosebumps.
Something was between them and they could not say what it was.
"Are you ready to order?"
The waitress broke the uncomfortable silence.
"Chicken wings," Abby answered and returned her menu.
Carter continued to sip his water.
**
Having had their fill, Carter and Abby left the diner just as a break in the weather occurred.
They exited through the back and walked to Carter's jeep.
The rain had finally stopped. The fog thickly rose from the grimy streets. Abby walked through
the wafts casually. Carter followed suit.
"Unusual weather," he remarked.
Abby stopped.
"You know, that's what Luka was saying."
Carter stopped walking.
"What else does he say?"
Abby looked directly at him.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Carter did not answer her. Abby continued walking.
"What we talk about is none of your business."
"You don't talk to him at all," Carter sniped.
Abby stopped walking and shot Carter an angry look.
"Fuck you, Carter! You know, you've been riding my ass about him and I've had it up to here!
I don't need it!"
"Abby, wait!"
Carter tugged at her shoulder.
"You don't like being with him, do you?"
Abby spun around.
"It's none of your goddamn business!"
Carter's complexion blanched.
"You don't like being with him, Abby! I can see it! You hardly look at each other, let alone talk
to each other. He's using you!"
Abby could have slapped him.
"He is not using me! He would never do that!"
Carter huffed.
"So, what then? You just screw him and leave?!"
Abby let fly a slap on Carter's face. He merely stood his ground.
"Hit me if it makes you feel better, but just answer me. It's killing me to see you like this. Do
you like being with him?"
Abby's upper lip trembled.
"Sometimes," she admitted. "But... he is so sweet and..."
Abby fell to Carter's shoulder and started crying. He embraced her and held her tightly.
Abby pulled herself away.
"He's not what you think he is."
Carter's hands fell to his sides.
"And what do I think of him?
Abby did not look at him in the eye.
"Not much."
Abby composed herself.
"I have to go home."
Carter bowed his head and nodded.
"Yeah, okay."
They walked to the jeep.
Abby swallowed once.
"Thank you, Carter."
**
Carter let her off in front of Luka's apartment.
"See you tomorrow," she said as she got out of the jeep.
Carter did not look at her but only gripped the steering wheel.
"Yeah, see ya at work."
With that, he drove off in a huff.
Abby shrugged. There was nothing Carter could do, anyway. It was up to her and Luka.
She took the elevator to Luka's apartment. It was dark. Not even the security lights were on.
She knocked on the door and Luka answered. He was happy she was there. He took her by the hand
and led her to his room. She removed her coat. His hand got lost in her hair. They knew the rhythm of
love-making and slid into it comfortably.
Abby wrapped her legs around Luka's lean form and moaned slightly. He let his lips slide along
her breastbone longingly. She loved when he did that but wished now he didn't do it.
*
The apartment was completely dark. The ratty, old curtains would not allow the light from the
streets in. Once the door creaked open, the darkened apartment took on some illumination and began
to live again.
Luka walked in with a huge box in his arms and placed it on the floor. He reached for the light
switch and turned it on.
"This is it," he declared.
Abby followed him with a smaller box in her arms. She looked around.
"Yeah."
Luka was nonplussed.
"What?"
Abby forced a polite smile.
"Nothing." She looked around again. "It's just that I've seen bigger."
"It's big enough for me," Luka said definitively. He looked at Abby. "For you."
Abby avoided his eyes.
"Luka..."
He leaned his weight on one foot.
"Please, Abby, reconsider."
Abby shook her head.
"No, Luka. And I don't want to talk about it again."
Luka looked chagrined. Abby thought quickly to fill up the awkward silence.
"Where do you want this?"
"Just anywhere," Luka said. "I won't have furniture until tomorrow."
Abby smirked.
"Day off, huh?"
"Yeah," Luka nodded.
Lucky bastard. But then again, he rarely had any days off.
Luka's face took on a devious expression.
"You know, you could say you are not feeling well tomorrow and..."
Abby could see where this was going.
"Give up a day of menial labour at the E.R. for a day of menial labour here?"
Luka moved to her and nuzzled his lips on her neck.
"It doesn't have to be. You could help me test my new bed."
Abby giggled but stopped herself. She couldn't let Luka get too naughty.
"I would never get away with it."
Luka looked at her, stunned.
"But I could back you up."
Abby laughed.
"That's why it would never work!"
Luka laughed, too. He returned to her neck, his energy derived from Abby's giggles. A knock
on the door brought everything to a full stop.
"Sorry," a man apologized.
Luka and Abby returned to a chaste composure and allowed the landlord in.
"I'm just here to give you your key to the backdoor."
He handed Luka a key and made way to the door.
"Thank you, Mr. Kustan."
Abby giggled when he left and picked up where Luka left off.
*
Tuesday mornings, A.A. meetings. Abby did not tell Luka where she was going. In fact, he
rarely asked such things. He was neither possessive or inquisitorial. Or did not care. Whatever the
reason may be, Abby was relieved she did not have to divulge an ugly truth to a man she had a tenuous
grasp on. It wasn't glamourous, she once told Carter. She was a drunk.
Abby folded her hands on her lap and stared blankly before her. A nudge on her arm roused
her from her lethargy.
"Yeah?"
Carter looked at her with annoyed eyes.
"And you yell at me for not paying attention!"
Abby looked chagrined.
"Sorry. I was just thinking about something."
Carter relaxed his offensive.
"Do you want to go out after this? Get something to eat, maybe?"
Abby sadly shook her head.
"I can't. I have to go somewhere after this."
*
Abby could see Luka from his apartment window, smoking a forbidden cigarette. The ugly
curtains had been removed. His hair was wet and he wore the dark blue sweater she had gotten him.
When he saw her, he smiled and mashed out his cigarette.
"Hurry up!" he cried. "I need your help with something!"
"Okay!" Abby cried back and ran up to Luka's apartment.
The door was already open. The place looked different. He scrubbed it out and, at last, had
furniture. It was not adorned with anything. No posters, plants, not anything.
"Abby!"
He swung her off her feet and then replaced her on the ground.
"This place is looking better, huh?"
Abby nodded.
"Yeah. It could use a poster or throw rug or something."
Luka at first looked rebuked but then agreed. Women always knew about these things, he
thought.
"Alright. Then what else?"
Abby laughed at him though he remained earnest. He was so cute when he was earnest.
"Luka, you can do what ever you want to this place. You can paint an elephant on the ceiling
for all I care!"
Luka fumbled for a pen and paper.
"Let me write this down."
Abby stopped him. He looked bashful, blushed and laughed. Abby laughed as well.
"Sorry," he apologized. "I, um... I'm not good at making things look aesthetically pleasing."
Abby jostled him.
"Nah. Just settle in. This place will take a shape of its own."
Luka hoped so. If she would only move in, his new home would start to look more like a home.
Isn't that what everyone wanted?
Luka reclined on his couch. Abby marvelled at the size of it. It was, length-wise, almost as tall
as Luka was.
"I got this from a man who knows tall people."
Abby sat next to him. Her feet barely touched the floor. Indeed, the entire apartment, now that
she thought of it, was wholly suited to Luka the friendly giant. The only cupboards Luka had to stand on
his toes to reach would require Abby to use a ten-foot ladder. The porcelain tub was no more than a
step for him but a climb for her. The locks of the windows needed chairs to reach them. Now the
furniture complimented his towering form. And he wanted her to live with him?! Only if she wore stilts
every day!
"Um, Luka?"
Luka turned to her.
"Yes?"
"Haven't you noticed a disparity between my height and your height and how it relates to the
apartment?"
Luka was baffled.
"Disparity? I don't understand."
"You know, like, not proportionate, not equal."
"Yes, I know what disparity means. I just don't know what you mean."
Abby furrowed her brow and waved her hand around her.
"Well, Luka... I can't reach anything here."
Luka inched nearer to her.
"But that's why you have me. I can reach things for you."
"And what if you're not here?"
"We'll get a little step ladder."
He crept closer.
"Are you afraid of anything big?"
He started nibbling on her ear. She tried to stop him but couldn't stop giggling.
"No, no! I'm trying to have a discussion here! Luka! No! Bad boy!"
Any talk now of the apartment and dimensions in any respect was quelled in favour of sex in the
afternoon.
**
Luka and Abby fell asleep on the couch built for tall people. His hair had since dried. He
looked so calm when he was asleep. He wasn't imposing. He looked like a child, occasionally rubbing
his eyes and sighing. Abby loved it when he looked vulnerable. She wanted to cradle him and protect
him from the rest of the world.
She looked at his partially uncovered body. Her fingers danced and stepped along its contours,
every now and then stopping to kiss a part she found pleasing. Luka's body was a map, a perfectly
formed though slightly marred map. His chest was rolling hills; his ribs caverns; his belly button a
sinkhole; his scar, the ugly whitish spot that once burned an ugly red on his shoulder, was a patch of ice
that swirled in one fixed position. She moved her fingers over to it and, remembering his initial reaction
to her insensible touches the first time they made love, hovered over that spot. There was a cold space
over it, as if it were actually made of ice. She wanted to kiss it, as if doing so would actually soothe the
pain. She made no move, however, other than keep her fingers suspended over his scar. Luka turned
and her fingers came in contact with the scar. Instantly, Luka's eyes shot open and his hand clasped
Abby's. Now he became imposing, frightening.
"Don't touch me there."
His eyes lost their warm hazelness and became alien and angry. Luka was not the same man
who had but hours ago kissed and caressed her playfully. Immediately, Abby remembered the night he
killed the mugger. His hand remained firm in the grasp of her hand, never slackening for a second.
"I-I'm sorry," Abby stammered.
She looked to her clasped hand.
"Luka, you're hurting me..."
Luka loosened his grip. His face changed. He wasn't angry any more. He didn't even realize he
had grabbed her hand.
Abby rose from the couch and dressed.
"I have to go to work."
Luka followed her.
"Abby, wait. I didn't mean to..."
Abby did not listen to him and fled his apartment, barely pausing to do up the remainder of the
buttons on her shirt. She shut the door loudly and succinctly.
Luka, struck by his own lack of awareness, tried to reach for her, even after she left. It
happened again.
"Shit!"
**
Abby stifled back frightened tears. She had never been so frightened before in her life. It was
as though Luka had two personalities, one not aware of the other. She gripped her car keys. She
thought of calling Carter but what could she tell him? That Luka tried to kill her? No. There would be
no point. She started the car and drove away from her apartment.
**
Abby! Abby! Where are yoooooou?!
Abby tied to shut that voice and its annoying drawl out of her head.
Her mother humiliated her in front of her co-workers. She could never live it down. She
expected to be stared at and badgered or the awkwardness that follows when something like that
happened. It only seemed to happen to her, though.
Abby knocked on Luka's door hesitantly, having found the courage to face him again.
The door opened. Luka seemed genuinely surprised to see Abby.
"Abby?"
The woman pouted.
"Come in, Abby." Luka offered. " What's wrong?"
Abby hesitated before answering Luka.
"I can't stay with my mother."
Luka seemed troubled.
"But she's your mama, Abby."
Abby scowled at him.
"I never wanted her to be."
Luka did not understand. He looked out the window at the drizzled gray streets. He resumed
his gaze at Abby.
"I need a cigarette. Will you join me?"
Abby smiled.
"I thought you'd never ask."
**
Abby was down to the last puff of her cigarette. She looked at the shivering Luka breathing
wisps of pale smoke from his lips.
"Luka?"
He looked at her.
"What does ja sam kriv mean?"
Luka trembled. How did she know?
"I hear you say it a lot when you're asleep," she revealed. "What does it mean?"
Luka continued to smoke, his intakes increasing in intensity.
"Does it have something to do with the war?"
"Abby!" Luka snapped nervously.
He could see she was shaken. He tried to reassure her with a smile.
"Abby, I think there are a lot of things you do not say to me."
Luka threw away his finished cigarette.
"It's nothing," he lied. He smiled gently. "Come. Let's go inside. You're cold."
He took Abby by the hand and raced down the fire escape to his apartment. The rain started
heavy again. By the time the two got inside, they were drenched.
Luka smiled and shook the rain out of his hair.
"This cannot be November weather!"
Abby smiled back.
"Freak weather," she shrugged. "What are you going to do?"
Luka's smile became relaxed. He held Abby in his gaze. His hands enveloped her face. He
moved his mouth to her's and kissed her. She returned the kiss slowly, each pulse growing stronger
with the moments. Luka lifted Abby from the floor and carried her into his room. He started peeling off
her clothes, kissing each part of flesh as it became exposed. She allowed him, relaxing into his embrace.
She reached for the switch of the lamp and shut if off.
**
Sleep produced disjointed images and sensations in the mind. Memories of soccer practice in
Grade Four, the cigarette smoke in a bar, the nursery on the OB ward, a warm fall day, the bike
trauma, the grieving guilty woman who inadvertently killed him.
Abby's eyes shot open. What if Luka wanted children? Oh God. That baby in his arms today
was a harbinger, a sign of things to come. That couldn't be!
Abby shot up. Luka was auspiciously missing from her side. Maybe he brushing his teeth or
taking a shower. Good. She decided to get up now, before it was too late.
**
My race is run beneath the sun. A scaffold now waits for me. For I did murder that dear
little girl whose name was Rose Connelly....
Luka could hear the gentle cadences of Abby's voice soothing the child to sleep. Through his
half-closed eyes, he thought he could see them- mother and child walking back and forth, waiting for
sleep to reclaim them. But when he opened his eyes, only a ghost with the deepest brown hair and
warm tan face was there.
"I knew you would be here."
The brunette looked at Luka. A gentle smile came upon her face but she did not answer him.
Luka sat at the kitchen table.
"I always thought you would come back, even for a little while. Sometimes, I think I can hear
you saying my name or singing."
The brunette did not reply. Her soft green eyes had a glow about them that was warm and
soothing. She sat at the table with Luka.
"I wish you would speak to me," Luka implored. "Let me hear you one more time."
The brunette did not answer him. Her silence tortured him. Nothing about her communicated
anything to Luka and this killed him with each beat of silence.
"Please..."
"Govori mene...molim...."
"Luka?"
Luka shot up from the table. Had he been dreaming? He saw Abby was ready to leave.
"Oh.....Abby... I must have fallen asleep and....."
Abby gave an awkward smile.
"No, uh.... I, uh, have to go."
Luka reached out for her.
"Wait! Let me get you breakfast."
Abby shook her head.
"I really can't."
Luka nodded disappointedly.
"Alright."
"I'll see you at work," Abby said and made her way out the door.
Luka nodded and waved slightly. He bit his bottom lip and tucked in the chair.
Another breakfast alone.
**
The smoggy air in all its crispness stung Abby's chuckling cheeks. Yes, she ignored Carter's
page. No use in hearing old news. Maggie was gone. Like the time before and the time before that.
Same old, same old.
"Abby?!"
Abby turned to the voice that called her.
Carter was walking toward her very quickly.
"Didn't you get my page?"
Abby only smiled.
"I know."
Carter seemed confused.
"Legaspi was getting a bed for your mother and she ran."
Abby only nodded.
"I know."
Abby sipped her newly-bought coffee.
"It's the dance we do. We get lost in it for a little while, but it always ends the same."
Carter looked sorry even though Abby had asked him not to be. He opened his mouth to
speak.
"Would you like....?"
"Carter!"
Luka walked through the bay doors, wrapping a scarf about his neck.
"There is a patient whose labs have not yet come in."
Carter nodded, without even looking at Luka.
"I'll be sure to tell Weaver."
Luka nodded his thanks and wrapped his arm around Abby. The two lovers walked away
from the hospital towards the El tracks.
Carter's eyes burned them from a distance.
**
Luka had fallen right asleep. He could do that. It was as though the day had not happened to
him. Abby could not stand it. Slipping out from under the blanket, she emerged into the bathroom and
locked the door. Now fully alone, Abby ran the water and started to cry.
**
Luka had the morning shift this week. Abby worked in the evening, a shift she shared with
Carter. It pained her not to be able to go home with Luka but next week promised shared shifts.
Maybe that was a good thing.
A trauma came in, flying through like a gale force wind. Abby and Carter were left to dispose
of the narcotic drugs and clean up. She regarded him. He laboured under the strain his own pain, she
thought. Lucy's death, drug use, his own self-loathing. He took the punches and rolled with them. He
might not have seemed it, but he was a hell of a fighter.
Abby finished disposing of the needles and vials and went to the lounge to get some coffee.
Carter came in after her. He helped himself to the stale coffee. He said nothing, just sighed once,
heavily.
"There are times when I just don't want to be here," he revealed.
"That's everyday for me," Abby joked.
Carter seemed to tired to acknowledge her joke.
Silence.
Abby swished around the last swallow of coffee.
"I'm not doing anything tomorrow night, you know."
Carter did not seemed interested.
"I thought you were."
Abby knew, but did not say, he meant Luka. She wanted to explain to Carter what it was like
with him. She and Luka never talked. He had a pain all to his own and didn't want to talk about it. He
also did not know that she was an alcoholic. There were a lot of things neither of them knew.
"Well...I'm not."
Carter did not want to answer Abby. She would always return to Luka, much to his disgust.
What did he offer Abby? She always came back to him to talk. Luka was a cold bastard, Carter
decided. Abby needed someone to talk to, not screw her and certainly not screw her over.
"Well, do you want to do something when the shift is over?" Abby asked. "I'm off in an hour."
Carter looked vaguely interested.
"Let's get something to eat," Abby invited.
Carter put his hands in his pockets.
"Are you sure Luka wouldn't mind?"
Abby didn't like Carter's insinuation but decided to brush it off.
"Do you want chicken wings or not?"
Carter raised an excited brow.
"Chicken wings?! Well! Who can say no to that?"
Abby smiled.
"In an hour then!
Carter nodded.
"You lead, I follow."
**
Abby and Carter sat in the smoky-hazed diner where no natural light ever shone. A waitress
put down a menu and glasses of water and left them.
Carter sipped his water. Abby toyed with her napkin.
"How are things going?" she asked. "I mean- are you avoiding temptation?"
Carter toyed with his straw.
"It creeps up on me, you know. I mean, I'm surrounded by drugs every day and who would
notice if five milligrams of this or that is missing, you know what I mean?"
"It's hard," she replied, "and it doesn't get easier."
Carter nodded reluctantly in agreement.
"It's like my life is a gigantic boulder rolling down one side of a hill and when I roll it back up, it
just rolls down the other side."
Abby was intrigued by Carter's analogy. He smiled.
"Benefits of a Classical education."
Abby returned the smile.
"Well, I never attended the Ivy League schools you did but you could say your life is like the
boulder that runs over Wile E. Coyote. Benefits of a Bugs Bunny education."
Carter laughed.
Silence. They tried not to look at one another. Each inadvertent glance gave them goosebumps.
Something was between them and they could not say what it was.
"Are you ready to order?"
The waitress broke the uncomfortable silence.
"Chicken wings," Abby answered and returned her menu.
Carter continued to sip his water.
**
Having had their fill, Carter and Abby left the diner just as a break in the weather occurred.
They exited through the back and walked to Carter's jeep.
The rain had finally stopped. The fog thickly rose from the grimy streets. Abby walked through
the wafts casually. Carter followed suit.
"Unusual weather," he remarked.
Abby stopped.
"You know, that's what Luka was saying."
Carter stopped walking.
"What else does he say?"
Abby looked directly at him.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Carter did not answer her. Abby continued walking.
"What we talk about is none of your business."
"You don't talk to him at all," Carter sniped.
Abby stopped walking and shot Carter an angry look.
"Fuck you, Carter! You know, you've been riding my ass about him and I've had it up to here!
I don't need it!"
"Abby, wait!"
Carter tugged at her shoulder.
"You don't like being with him, do you?"
Abby spun around.
"It's none of your goddamn business!"
Carter's complexion blanched.
"You don't like being with him, Abby! I can see it! You hardly look at each other, let alone talk
to each other. He's using you!"
Abby could have slapped him.
"He is not using me! He would never do that!"
Carter huffed.
"So, what then? You just screw him and leave?!"
Abby let fly a slap on Carter's face. He merely stood his ground.
"Hit me if it makes you feel better, but just answer me. It's killing me to see you like this. Do
you like being with him?"
Abby's upper lip trembled.
"Sometimes," she admitted. "But... he is so sweet and..."
Abby fell to Carter's shoulder and started crying. He embraced her and held her tightly.
Abby pulled herself away.
"He's not what you think he is."
Carter's hands fell to his sides.
"And what do I think of him?
Abby did not look at him in the eye.
"Not much."
Abby composed herself.
"I have to go home."
Carter bowed his head and nodded.
"Yeah, okay."
They walked to the jeep.
Abby swallowed once.
"Thank you, Carter."
**
Carter let her off in front of Luka's apartment.
"See you tomorrow," she said as she got out of the jeep.
Carter did not look at her but only gripped the steering wheel.
"Yeah, see ya at work."
With that, he drove off in a huff.
Abby shrugged. There was nothing Carter could do, anyway. It was up to her and Luka.
She took the elevator to Luka's apartment. It was dark. Not even the security lights were on.
She knocked on the door and Luka answered. He was happy she was there. He took her by the hand
and led her to his room. She removed her coat. His hand got lost in her hair. They knew the rhythm of
love-making and slid into it comfortably.
Abby wrapped her legs around Luka's lean form and moaned slightly. He let his lips slide along
her breastbone longingly. She loved when he did that but wished now he didn't do it.
*
