Loosens

Luka opened his eyes, rolled over and looked at Abby. It was the second time she had slept in his new bed in his new apartment. The whole thing was a novelty. For once in the longest time, his life had some semblance of normality. He could forget Masha (and her new husband) and Carol and think only of Abby. Will he tell her about the scars, or the picture he had always carried in his wallet? Maybe he will tell her about Šibenik and its sandy coastline. He would tell her about the huge jutting rocks and the little white flowers that grew over them and the tidal pools. Yes. That was it. He would tell her about his home. There was no better a way of burying the past for good.

Luka stretched his arm over and touched Abby's head. She was completely asleep. He leaned over and kissed her head.

"I'll make pancakes," he whispered to his insensible lover. "That will wake you up."

**

Abby opened her eyes and finally summoned enough energy to get out of bed, Luka's bed. She heard him move about in the kitchen. He was there, shirtless, fixing breakfast. His shoulders were raised, not slouched as usual. His olive skin was bare to his waist. He wore only his pyjama pants. One could see the muscles, the birthmark on his arm, the handsome, little belly button, the scars. He must have made a beautiful husband at one time. Abby wouldn't know because he never talked about it with her and she never asked. Why?

"I hope you're not making breakfast for me," she smiled yet knowing full well that he had.

Luka was a little surprised but pleased that she was up.

"Yes." He lifted a plate of pancakes dripping in syrup. "I made them thick and drenched with maple syrup the way you like it." He licked a drop threatening to leave the plate. "It's the Canadian stuff you like so much."

Abby took a sharp intake of breath at Luka's sweet gesture (Richard had not even made such an effort).

"Oh, Luka, I'm sorry. I can't eat breakfast. I have to run..." she lied.

Luka placed the plate calmly on the table.

"Oh," he sighed in a downcast tone.

Abby stubbed her toe on the carpet. She could see how her lie hurt Luka but every moment she stayed made it harder to leave. She would do it and soon but not now.

"I can stay for a bit," she made way to the table. "Especially seeing as you made breakfast just for me."

Abby sat before the plate of pancakes. Luka stroked an errant lock of chestnut hair.

"It was no effort at all," he said softly and kissed her forehead. "I will make coffee and then we'll go to work together."

Abby jabbed at her pancakes.

"Yeah, leave for work," she intoned automaton.

**

Abby took the el train with Luka today. She did not look at him or pay attention to what he was saying. She had caught only snippets of his voice. Something about painting the kitchen and what colour she thought was best.

"Abby?"

Her head shot up.

"Uh, yeah?"

Luka stooped to her height in an almost teasing way.

"Do you think my talking about painting the kitchen is boring?"

Abby hesitated. She didn't want to say she just wasn't listening. She opened her mouth to speak. Luka's placid face waited for an answer.

"I think we should...."

The el train pulled to a stop at County General.

"It's our stop."

Luka smiled and waited for Abby to get off first. They descended the stairs together, not talking or looking at each other, like strangers. When they reached the bottom step, Luka turned to Abby.

"Abby, is something bothering you?"

Abby swivelled her head to him. He was sensing it.

"No," she denied. "Nothing."

She smiled a false smile.

"We have to get in or we'll be late."

Luka nodded.

"See you after work then?"

Abby nodded and went ahead of Luka.

**

Abby put her coat in the locker and closed it. She lost her lively hue and could not explain why. It was all unravelling.

"Are you alright?"

Abby spun her head around, embarrassed that Deb caught her. She did not realize she was not alone.

I'm good."

Deb raised an incredulous brow.

"You don't look like it."

Now Abby was annoyed.

"Well, I am."

Abby made haste to work, leaving Deb unfairly chastised for her concern.

**

Carter went over some charts in the privacy of an empty examination room.

"I'm going to tell him that I don't want to live with him."

Carter turned around to the voice. It was Abby. Her brown eyes were widened like saucers and her face was pale and worried.

"It'll hurt him at first but he'll get over it. I'll just tell him."

Carter knew she meant Luka.

"Really?"

Abby huffed and tucked a half-filled chart under her arm.

"He doesn't need me."

Carter left his charts and walked over to her.

"Is that really what you want?"

Abby did not look at him but instead found an empty space on the wall on which to fix her eyes.

"He, uh... has this scar on his shoulder. It looks like someone burnt a cigarette on it and..."

Abby's voice broke. Carter put his arms around her.

"You can't take his past pain into consideration, Abby. It's not your's. Leave him with it."

Abby shook her head.

"I don't know what I want. All I know is that I can't help him and he can't help me. It's like....like.... I don't know. Like we're strangers and we shouldn't be."

Carter strengthened his comforting grip on her.

"A lot of people are strangers to one another. You just have find someone you're not a stranger to."

Abby wiped away her tears.

"I don't know if that's ever going to happen."

Abby broke from Carter's embrace and went to the lounge. His eyes followed her. He wanted to tell her that she wasn't a stranger to him but now was not the time.

**

Luka was already home. He was preparing a meal. When Abby arrived, she saw two plates on the table- one for her, one for him.

"Abby, you're on time," he smiled. "Supper is nearly ready."

Luka moved to the stove, stirring one thing, burning his finger on another, cussing and soothing the hurt. He turned the temperature down and pulled out a bottle of wine from the wine rack.

"Luka, I can't stay."

Luka turned to her. He could see on her face something greater than an external pressing matter.

"What's wrong?"

Abby did not say. She pointed to the couch, motioning him to sit.

Luka sat down on the arm of the couch. His arms limply hung in front of him.

"Abby, what bothers you?"

Abby did not answer him. She looked at the floor. Her eyes glazed over. Luka tilted his head to see them.

"Abby? Abby, are you going to cry?"

Luka moved to brush imminent tears from her eyes but she moved his hand away.

"What is it?"

Abby now looked at Luka.

"Did I fall in love with you?"

Luka stiffened his jaw. He could see where this was going.

"I don't know. Did you?"

Abby swallowed hard.

"I thought I did." Abby tilted her head to the side. "But I don't know now. I think what I wanted was someone to talk to. A shoulder to rest my head on."

She touched a dark lock of hair resting on his forehead.

"I was so attracted to you. You had all the confidence in me and you made me feel safe, even after..."

Luka knew she meant after the mugger's death.

"But I can't continue like this, Luka. All of this," she waved her hand around her, pointing at the quiet domesticity, "we never planned all of this, did we?"

Luka's eyes were blank.

"What did you have in mind?"

Abby was stuck.

"I don't know. I don't think I had anything in mind."

Abby steeled her resolve.

"What do we give each other? Really? I can't talk to you. Whenever something bothers you, you just shut me out and... I have my own problems."

Luka shook his head.

"You never told me that."

"Because I can't," she explained. "And even if I did, you couldn't help me. Don't think that you can. I know you'd want to but...I'm too fucked up."

Luka was looking directly at her but then stopped.

"What am I good for?" His jaw squared. "Why didn't you just leave me the way you found me?"

Abby tried to control the tears.

"Oh, Luka..."

Luka did not look at her. He shut his eyes.

"Don't say anything else. Don't make this hard on me." He stopped and swallowed an obstruction. "If you must go, please just go. Don't let this drag on."

Abby bit on her lip. She touched his face once.

"I'm sorry, Luka."

Abby turned away and walked out the door.

*

At least...

That's what she wanted to say.

"Abby, you're on time," Luka smiled as he stirred something in a saucepan. "Supper is nearly ready."

Abby pulled off her coat and scarf and threw them on the armchair.

"Great," she breathed unemphatically and slumped onto the couch. "I can't wait."

*