Disclaimer: We own nothing but our stupidity.

Authors' Notes: We are the KMK Kittens, Kathleen, Maggie, and Krystla. This story is, well, SICK and WRONG, but you'll get over it. This is meant to be funny, so don't take anything too literally.

--Kathleen, Maggie, and Krystla

PANTS ON THE LOOSE

By the KMK Kittens

Once upon a time there was a hobbit named Sam and he was really sweet and then Legolas came up and took off his pants. Sam was married to hobbit named Rosie but he cheated on her for three teenage girls named Kathleen, Maggie, and Krystla. Kathleen was a hobbit from the Shire; Maggie was a mortal woman from Rohan; and Krystla was an elf from Rivendell. They were all in bed with Sam one night when Legolas (still pantless) walked in and said "I want to get me some of that!" So he jumped in the bed and Krystla turned her full attention to him. Then a bunch of nasty stuff happened but we won't tell it to you because it is nasty and we don't write that kind of stuff. J

The next day they all went to Doctor Gandalf for a check-up. Gandalf told Krystla she was pregnant with someone's child. But Krystla didn't know who the father because she had *ahem* with so many people! Was it Frodo? Sam? Pippin? Merry? Legolas? Or…Gimli? Dun dun dun! She asked Gandalf to do some little test thingy that would determine the father, and, surprise, surprise! It was Legolas! "I'm *so* glad it wasn't Gimli," thought Krystla. "Legolas is SO much hotter!"

Suddenly a messenger from Rivendell rode up to greet them. "There is a war between some people!" he cried. "All able male Elves should go to war immediately!"

"But Haldir!" cried Krystla. "You cannot take my love from me! It's wrong! We are supposed to sail into the West and live happily ever after, until the end of days and the coming of Morgoth in Dagor Dagorath!"

"But I'm not Haldir!" said the messenger. "Or at least I think I'm not, because Haldir died at the battle of Helm's Deep in the second movie, but he wasn't supposed to. In fact, the Elves were not supposed to be at Helm's Deep at all! It symbolized the fact that the Elves as a people were dying down, and their time was over. It says that the age of Men is soon to come."

"Yeah, Peter Jackson sure messed that up," mused Maggie.

"Oh whatever!" said Kathleen. "You can't take Legolas from Krystla, because if you did, this wouldn't be the perfect Mary-sue self-insertion fanfiction!"

"Do you think I care?" asked the messenger (who WASN'T Haldir!) "Say your goodbyes, lovely Krystla, for I have come to take your one true love!"

So Legolas and Krystla said goodbye. It was tragic and heartbreaking and VERY emotional. Then they did…well, you know. We don't need to tell you because it is SICK and WRONG, but hey! Then Legolas jumped on a horse, who appeared out of nowhere to take him to war, and he rode off into the sunset, glancing back at Krystla one last time…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After Legolas rode gallantly off into the sunset, the three girls decided it was time to part ways and go home. Kathleen stayed in the Shire with her Hobbit friends, and Maggie and Krystla rode off to their respective homes. They parted ways at Rivendell, Krystla's wonderful home. Maggie rode on to Rohan.

Maggie finally reached Edoras, and Meduseld, the Golden Halls of King Eomer. "My lord!" she cried. "I have returned from my mission to the Shire. The pipeweed market is good. We shall have many barrels of Old Toby by fall."

"Good, good!" said Eomer. "I do love my pipeweed. But now I have another mission for you, Maggie of Rohan. I want you to go to Gondor and find the King Aragorn, for I much desire to speak with him. Hurry! It is quite urgent."

So Maggie set out from Rohan on the fastest horse ever known to man, for she much desired to speak with the handsome King Aragorn too…

She arrived in Minas Tirith five days later with her hopes as high as the sky and as bright as Sauron's eye, which, of course, doesn't exist anymore, because this story is after the War of the Ring. Anyways, Maggie rode up to the guards and told them she was on business from King Eomer and she needed to speak with the King. The guards let her pass and she rode towards the palace.

She entered the castle and bowed to King Aragorn. "Your Lordship, King Aragorn of Gondor and Arnor, I am here on a mission from Eomer King of the Mark."

[insert awkward pause here]

It was plain that something was troubling the King. "My Lord, what is troubling you?"

The King sighed. "My beloved has betrayed me!"

"Whatever do you mean?"

"The Lady Arwen. I guess I wasn't good enough for her." He grabbed his goblet of ale and crushed it beneath his strong, rugged, manly, muscular, tanned hand. "She betrayed me for some guard of the Citadel."

"You must feel…awful," said Maggie. "I would stay and comfort you, but the King Eomer of the Mark greatly desires to speak with you, your Lordship."

"Oh, puffballs. I would rather speak with you."

"Is that an insult, or a compliment, my Lord?"

Aragorn smiled. "It is a compliment, my Lady, for I have been watching you for a long time during your service of the King Eomer."

"Then I shall stay for a little while," said Maggie.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Meanwhile, back in the Shire…

"I can't believe you cheated on me!" cried Sam. "I trusted you!"

"I can't believe you cheated on *me*!" cried Rosie. "I trusted you too!"

"Well…you cheated on me first!" argued Sam. "And besides, two of those girls meant nothing to me! Nothing!"

"And exactly how many did you betray me for?" asked Rosie under her breath.

"*cough*THREE*cough*."

"I can't hear you…"

"Three, okay? Three, three, three! I was with THREE girls! But two of them meant nothing! Absolutely nothing!" A dreamy look came over his face. "But the third…oh, the third!"

"That's it!" yelled Rosie. "Get out of my house! I am filing for a divorce!"

Sam walked dejectedly out of the house after packing up some of his most prized possessions. "Now what?" he asked himself.

Suddenly a familiar looking Hobbit lass walked by. "Sam? What are you doing out here in the cold?" she asked. (Just… ignore the fact that it's summer, okay?)

Sam lifted his head. "Kathleen? What- why- how-"

"Why don't you tell me what happened over a cup of tea at my house?" asked Kathleen.

"That would be wonderful," said Sam, perking up a bit.

So Kathleen and Samwise walked to her house, where Kathleen brewed up a cup of tea. Then Sam told her the whole story, beginning with Rosie's affair with Frodo Baggins, and ending with their divorce.

"That's so sad!" said Kathleen. "How could she do that to you? I mean, all you did was have a threesome with an Elf, a woman, and…me! That's no big deal! And besides, she left you for your best friend! Talk about backstabbing."

"I couldn't agree with you more," sighed Sam, taking a deep sip from his mug o' tea.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Meanwhile, at the house of Elrond in Rivendell…

Krystla was sitting on a windowsill, holding her stomach and crying her eyes out. She missed her dear Legolas already and it had only been seven days since his departure. She didn't even know if she would ever see him again.

"I dearly hope he comes back alive and well," she thought sadly. "Because if he doesn't, my baby shall have no father."

Suddenly the Lord Elrond walked into the room. "Is there anything I can do, dear Krystla, to help heal your sorrow?"

"I would much like a pastry," whispered Krystla. "Perhaps it shall remind me of my dear Legolas, for they are both sweet and tasty."

"I don't want to know, do I?" asked Elrond. "But I'm going to ask anyway: What are you talking about?"

Krystla smiled, thinking about many fond nights.

"Ewwww," said Elrond. "I should always go with my gut instinct and just not ask."

"Ahem," said Krystla. "My pastry?"

"Oh, yes, it is coming right up," said Elrond, and he went to alert the kitchens. "Ewwwww!" he murmured, one last time.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"You know, I wish I could have married someone like *you*, instead of that twimp piece of gimcrack Arwen," said Aragorn, giving Maggie a foot rub. "I can't believe she betrayed me for some stupid guard! She said the silver armor made him look 'rugged' and 'manly'. And I not 'rugged' and 'manly' enough for her?"

"You are rugged and manly enough for me," sighed Maggie. "And you sure know how to give a good foot rub!"

"Arwen never appreciated my foot rubs like you," said Aragorn. "She never appreciated *anything* I did for her. She was just a stuck up little elf girl! I can't believe I wasted so many years longing for her. But let's not talk about Arwen. Let's talk about me."

"I would love to talk about you," said Maggie.

"Good! Because I like to talk about me too. Did you know over half of the decedents' names begin with the latter 'A'?"

"I did not know that! How…fascinating! It's *so* rugged and manly."

"Why thank you!"

"You know what?"

"What, my darling Maggie?"

"We should get married!"

"I was just thinking that exact thing!" cried Aragorn. "Not only are you beautiful, and I am handsome, but it would give me chance to show up Arwen! Nobody cheats on the King of Gondor! Let's find a priest!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Meanwhile, back in the Shire… (dun dun dun!)

"My feet are aching," said Kathleen. "I've had a hard day watching all of Mrs. Bracegirdle's children."

"She sure has been productive, hasn't she?" commented Sam. "If you want, I could give you a foot rub."

"That would be wonderful…" sighed Kathleen.

So Sam gave Kathleen a wonderful foot rub, and they talked about Sam because he liked to talk, especially about himself. They talked all through the night, and in the morning, Sam whispered "I love you."

It was so sweet, and so romantic! Kathleen fell in love with the caring sweet hobbit immediately.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Here's your pastry, my lady," said Elrond, walking into Krystla's room.

"Thank you, Lord Elrond," said Krystla.

"Is there anything else I can do for you?" asked Elrond.

"Well, my feet are quite tired. Would you give me a foot rub, please, my lord?"

"Certainly." He sat down at the edge of the windowsill and began to massage Krystla's right foot.

Krystla's stared into Elrond's eyes, and thought back…

"I remember when Legolas would give me foot rubs," she thought. She gazed deeper into Elrond's eyes, and for a moment, she saw Legolas, instead of the Half-Elf sitting before her. She sighed with happiness.

But Elrond, the poor mistaken Lord of Rivendell, thought that the beautiful maiden Krystla was gazing at him. He thought she loved him, and he was happy, because… he loved her.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Will Elrond express his divine love for Krystla? Will Aragorn's plan to make Arwen jealous work? Will Legolas ever come back from the battlefront? Will Haldir come back to life and sue Peter Jackson? Will Sam and Kathleen find true love? Will Legolas ever find his pants?

These questions and more will probably not be answered in PART II.

(Coming soon to a fan fiction site near you!)

REVIEW!