Once upon a time there was a bunch of strange people who liked to eat CARROTS. These people were known as the CARROTORIANS! These Carrotorians lived in a region near Rivendell. Remember that! It will be quite important in later events.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered here today to join in holy matrimony Maggie of Rohan, daughter of Viggo, and Aragorn II, son of Arathorn II, son of Arador, son of Argonui, son of Arathorn I, son of Arassuil, son of Arahad II, son of Aravorn, son of Aragost, son of Arahad I, so of Araglas, son of Aragorn I, son of Aravir, son of Aranuir, son of Arahael, son of Aranarth, son of Arvedui, son of Araphant, son of Araval, son of Arveleg II, son of Arvegil, son of Argeleb II, son of Araphor, son of Arveleg I, son of Argeleb I, son of Malvegil, son of Celebrindor, son of Celepharn, son of Mallor, son of Beleg, son of Amlaith of Fornost, son of Earendur, son of Elendur, son of Valandur, son of Tarondor, son of Tarcil, son of Arantar, son of Eldacar, son of Valandil, son of Isildur, son of Elendil.
"Aragorn, do you take Maggie to be your wife?"
"I do."
"And Maggie, do you take Aragorn to be your husband?"
"I do!"
"Then, with the power invested in me by the Valar (because they are cool dudes!) I now pronounce you….husband and wife! All hail the King and Queen of Gondor and Arnor!"
"All hail King and Queen Aragorn!" the crowd began to chant.
"You may kiss the bride!"
And Aragorn did. For a looooong time.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Pass me the spade," called Kathleen to Sam. They were out in Mister Frodo's garden, weeding the garden of everything but the weeds.
"This was an excellent idea for revenge on Frodo," commented Kathleen. "Pulling out all the flowers and leaving all the weeds…classic."
"I know," smiled Sam. He pulled a patch of daisies from the ground and handed them to Kathleen. "Here…these are for you."
"Aw…thank you!" cried Kathleen. She picked up the flowers and sniffed them. They smelled wonderful. "You are so sweet, Sam. I'm actually kind of happy Rosie had an affair with Frodo. If she didn't, I wouldn't have fallen in love with you."
"Yes, me too," said Sam. "But I am still a little mad at Frodo for going behind my back. I followed him through Mordor, I carried him up the slopes of Mount Doom, and how does he repay me? He steals my wife! I should have pushed him in that big fiery mountain when I had the chance."
"Which is why we're weeding his garden," said Kathleen. "Ahh…I love the sweet taste of revenge more then anything!"
"Even more than this?" said Sam, and then he kissed her gently.
"Alright, not more then anything," smiled Kathleen. She pulled up a handful of flowers and threw them over the hill behind her.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Tell me, Lord Elrond, about this war that has taken my one true love away," said Krystla.
Elrond got up and sat down next to Krystla, putting his arm around her. "We are fighting the evil Carrotonians. They are people who live in the woods of Mirkwood and the only thing they eat are carrots. They are usually a peaceful people, but then their carrot crop died. Now they will go to any lengths to get carrots…even stealing them from us."
"So let me get this straight…you are in a war because some people stole carrots? That's it?" asked Krystla. She was shocked. "They're just carrots! What's the big deal? Elves don't even like carrots!"
"That's not the point!" said Elrond. "It matters not what they are stealing, the point is that they are stealing. It's wrong, and we need to teach them that, even if means death."
"You mean to say my one true love might die over some stolen CARROTS?!?" cried Krystla. "You idiots! I am going out to find him! My Legolas is *not* going to die over carrots!"
"Lady Krystla! Control yourself!" Elrond held her down with his strong, but not rugged and manly, hands.
"How can I control myself?" yelled Krystla, eyes flashing with anger. "How would you feel if your one true love was going to die over a CARROT? I'm going to go out there and find him!"
"But- but- you'll die!"
"If I die, then at least I will be dead with Legolas."
"Then at least let me come with you. I shall protect you at all costs, even if it means death. Then at least you will be safe."
"Why do you care so much about my safety all of a sudden?" asked Krystla suspiciously.
"Because- because- you're, you're…uh, pregnant! That's it, pregnant! If you die, two lives will be lost! I would not be able to live with the guilt," said Elrond, thinking quickly.
"Well, I guess you can come, but only because I want to protect my child," said Krystla.
"Good," said Elrond. "We depart from Rivendell at noon."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Lord Aragorn, now that we are wed, maybe we should return to Rohan and see what the King Eomer wanted of you," suggested Maggie.
"Good idea. The Lord Eomer was never a patient one, was he?" said Aragorn.
"No, he wasn't."
"Then we shall set forth to Rohan at noon. It is settled."
At noon, a great company went forth from the palace in Minas Tirith heading for Edoras, and the Golden Halls of King Eomer. Those halls were called Meduseld. As they rode on they suddenly saw the great city of Edoras, and Aragorn began to sing…
"Where now the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing?
Where is the helm and the hauberk, and the bright hair flowing?
Where is the hand on the harp string, and the red fern growing?
Where is the spring and the harvest and the tall corn growing?
They have passed like rain on the mountain, like a wind in the meadow;
The days have gone down in the West behind the hills into shadow.
Who shall gather the smoke of the dead wood burning,
Or behold the flowing years from the Sea returning?"
After Aragorn's song, all was calm, quiet, and still.
Probably because his so-called "singing" had scared everyone away.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Elrond and Krystla rode off from Rivendell on the fastest horse present, and headed towards the battlefield. When they arrived there were Elf bodies everywhere, and no sign of the enemy.
"Where's Legolas?" cried Krystla. "Help me look for him! He will be the one with no pants."
"EWWWWWW!" cried Elrond. "Ew, gross! I'll just stand over here behind this nice, convenient tree while *you* look for him."
"Fine then! Abandon me in our time of trial! That shows how much you care for me!" yelled Krystla. "I'll look for Legolas by myself."
Elrond thought about this for awhile. Krystla wouldn't love him if he abandoned her in this time of ultimate peril. He had to keep Krystla's love, even if it meant seeing Legolas without his pants. So Elrond jumped out from behind the nice, convenient tree and began to look for Legolas.
Suddenly, a carrot came whizzing at him from behind another nice, convenient tree. He ducked, however, and yelled "Krystla! We're under attack!"
He pulled out his Elven bow and began to shoot. Krystla did the same, but it was no use. There were to many Carrotonians. "Retreat!" yelled Elrond. "Back to Rivendell! Hurry!"
"But I must find Legolas!" sobbed Krystla. "I cannot live without him!"
"You will not live at all if you don't retreat NOW!" yelled Elrond. "Get on the horse! Hurry!"
The two got on the horse and were about to ride away when…
WHIZ.
A carrot whizzed into Elrond's open mouth and went down his throat. Krystla caught him before he fell off the horse and yelled "Elrond! Are you okay?" She tried to pull the carrot out of his throat, but it was no use. The Lord of Rivendell was dead.
His last words were, "Krystla…I love you."
And then he took his last breath, and it was all over…
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When Kathleen and Sam came back from "weeding" Frodo's garden, they were exhausted, dirty, and overcome with laughter. Sam had leaned in for another kiss, but Kathleen shoved dirt in his face instead. That began a great dirt fight. Dirt was flying everywhere, including the open window of Bag End. Frodo was not pleased, and they had retreated before he could discover it was they who threw the dirt.
Sam spent that night at Kathleen's house, because he had no where else to go. Kathleen let him use the guest bed in the spare room to sleep. After washing up, Kathleen crawled into her own bed and picked up her novel for a quick read before bed. She was so enthralled with the book that she lost track of time.
Kathleen finally glanced at the clock. "Oh my! It's ten past two in the morning already! Goodness gracious me!" She closed the book and set it down on her nightstand, and then turned to see Sam sitting at the foot of her bed.
"Hullo," said Sam, when he saw Kathleen glance at him.
"How long have you been sitting there?" Kathleen said suspiciously.
"About two hours and ten minutes," replied Sam. "But it's only seemed like five seconds, since I'm staring at you."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Then Krystla sang a Lament for Elrond. It was a sad, sad song of carrots and sadness. Then she sang a happy song. It was happy, because Elrond was dead and she thought he was icky! Then she sang another sad song, about lost love. And carrots. And pants. No pants. Like Legolas.
Then Legolas said - wait! Where did Legolas come from?!? Oh, no, it's okay, he just stepped out from behind another nice, convenient tree. He had no pants. Then Legolas said "I love you, Krystla."
Then Krystla said, "I love you too, and I am never going to let you leave again."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And then the black death came and everyone died.
THE END.
P.S. Everyone died except for Sauron.
P.P.S. Because he is cool.
P.P.P.S. And has a cool eye.
P.P.P.P.S. We like his eye.
P.P.P.P.P.S. It talks to us when we die on the video game.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S We don't have anything more to say, we just wanted another post script.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Goodbye!
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. We love you!
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. REVIEW!
