Celegorm The Fair.

Warning: Drunken elf lord raving within!

The Scene: my living room. A blonde elf surrounded by empty whisky bottles is sitting on my sofa.

Ok, life's just NOT fair. Really, I've had a very difficult life.

First, why does everyone think I'm a villain, and my bother Curufin too? Just because we restrained Luthien for her own good? Yes, Curufin did try to kill Beren, but he always did have a dreadful temper, nearly as bad as Caranthir!

And this whole calling me The Fair bit, come on how do you think that happened. Of course I'm blonde, I mean Mother is a red head, and everyone knows most red heads also carry the gene for blonde hair, and then Grandmother Muriel is supposed to have had silver hair, so that's how I'm blonde!

In a corner, Nerdanel looks slightly worried. She is wondering if Feanor, (who is in the other corner, beating Earendil on the head with a heavy book, but the Star of Hope refuses to give up the Silmaril) remembers that a year before Celegorm's birth he went on an extended visit to his father. What was a lonely young wife to do when a yummy passing Vanyar messenger expressed an interest in discovering if her hair was red everywhere? If her third son wanted to believe his fiction as to where the blonde hair came from, who was she to argue?

And everyone knows that all elves are fair skinned. Ok, we will tan slightly in the sun, and some of us have a tendency to freckle a little, but we all have fair skin. And of course I'm good- looking, very fair of face, actually. Oh yeah, everyone raves on about Maedhros, how gorgeous he is. Just because he has that flashy looking red hair, and he's tall and everyone feels sorry for him because Fingon cut his hand off! I mean really, I'm just as gorgeous.

Another thing, how come I never ever get any? Sex, I mean. Maedhros has Fingon, Maglor has appeared in several fics where you can figure out he's going to score, Caranthir had that lovely fic Ithilwen wrote about him and Haleth, Curufin's been married, and is banging some Mortal chickie, and the Twins have each other. Why do I always miss out? Oh sure, I used to get the odd hand job off Aredhel (thanks Deborah) but that Helcaraxe thing finished that!

My dog ran out on me, come on, doesn't Huan realise Luthien bewitched him? And she got him killed, all because he talked to her. He could have spoken to me any time in the previous few hundred years, but noooo, I wasn't good enough! Damn that hound, he told that tart from Doriath everything about me, including that I'm a virgin!!

*Celegorm gets up and wanders off, coming back with another whisky bottle. He sculls half, and puts it down*

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I never get any. I'm a virgin. So, ladies, anyone care to help me out? Surely someone out there wants to screw a handsome drunk virgin? Please?

*The elf falls off the sofa, and curls up with my cat. At least things will quiet for a while!*