(A/N: Thanks, Tallulah! ^^;;; Unfortunately, I think I've gone back to the "unnatural" prose. I have this all written out already and am too damn lazy to bother to change it. And of course I like your fic, who wouldn't?! It's so good! And world domination is just a step away...*plots* =D On with the fic!)
Just To Tell You
Chapter 3: Lying From You
Yamagata stormed into the dorm, slamming the door behind him. The light fixture rocked and plaster crumbled from the ceiling. /Fucking faggot./
The scowl was set firmly on his face, although his eyes denoted internal unsettlement. /Why'd he have to do that? I-I'm...it's disgusting./
Subconciously, he scrubbed his lips with his forearm, as if trying toremove the 'affliction.' He looked at his open palm. "I can't believe he did that..."
Stupid Kai. why'd he have to go and do that - stir up all the insecurities and indescion he'd finally managed to bury?
/Stupid Kai./
He glanced about the room, looking for something to distract him, but found nothing. He growled. He didn't want to deal with this right now. He didn't want to think about this now, or ever. //Scared of the truth?//
He shook his head. "No. Not scared."
//Unsure?//
He shifted a bit, having no choice but to think about this. Kai was his friend, right? He was concerned about him, so what? It didn't mean anything. Did it? /Nah.../
It couldn't. And still, the uncertainties plagued him. Did he even want to go there? /Maybe he's crazy./
Part of him really, really hoped so, because then he could forget about this and everything could go back to normal. But would it? Kai had kissed him and the sensation still burnt on his lips, whether he wanted to forget or not. He placed a finger to his lips, then pulled it away and looked at it intently. He knew Kai wasn't insane. Some part of him knew that Kai had meant what he'd done in the sincerest of ways. That freaked him out.
Kai and him were friends, and that was it. Nothing more. Never anything more. He couldn't bring himself to admit anything else than that, not even to himself. Somewhere, sometime, something had convinced him that even thinking this was wrong.
He couldn't deny the fact he was though, the exact thing he'd freaked out on Kai for. Hell, he'd done it once or twice before and it wasn't so bad.
/This is for your own good.../
He couldn't deny himself the fact that he liked the other boy - found him attractive, liked his company. In the deep, dark corners of his mind, he'd even fathomed taking him to bed a couple times. But those were his private thoughts and he could deprive Kai of them. He wouldn't admit to Kai that he liked him; he wouldn't admit to Kai he was that way. He couldn't. Even if the other boy liked him back and had dispelled any fears of rejection. Even if Kai was upset over his rejection.
It was safer this way. It wasn't so much he was scared of what people would do when they figured it out. It was more or less the fact he knew he'd disappoint Kai, make him cry. Even if he didn't mean it. Fuck, look what he'd done already. He'd known right from the start, he was going to hurt Kai. He was too tempermental for his own good. So, he'd lied, lied to keep the distance between them, to maintain the pretense of 'friendship', even if he did want to offer Kai more. He'd lied to keep tears off that pretty face; he'd lied to save them both. //And look what you've done now...//
Either way, he was screwed; either way, Kai was hurt. Why hadn't Kai taken the hint when he'd started ignoring him with the others? Why? Was he really that blind? Or just love-sick and lonely? He'd been trying to save them both heart-break, but now, it was out of hand. Kai had come right back and kissed him and things were spiralling beyond his control. He couldn't save them now; couldn't keep tears off Kai's face.
Why wouldn't Kai just let him go? Give up on him? He'd been trying to act uninterested all this time. Had Kai known it was an act, seen right through his show? Had he known the real reason he'd tried to spend as much time with him as possible without being conspicous? He must have, or he would have never made such a bold move. It was too out of character - Kai was kind of shy. /Just let me go...it's better for you.../
Somedays, he hated Fate. She could be a cruel bitch and right now, she was spiteful and he hated her. Why had she seen it fitting to do this to them? The last thing he wanted was to hurt Kai. /I'm so sorry.../
Maybe Kai was playing games with him, trying to get him angry. He shook his head. No, Kai wouldn't do that. Guilt weighed heavy on his mind. He should apologize. But part of him was still angry, stirring a rage that made him queasy, made his heart trip faster.
He needed to apologize, to say it was okay. But it wasn't okay. //Just apologize then.//
"Leave me alone."
Click and then it was over. Yamagata blinked, trying to place what Kai had said.
'Leave me alone.' Had his words left that much of a sting? Thinking back on it, they had. And he'd meant them too. And now he was sorry. But Kai wasn't listening, was crying and grieving his heart and was angry with him.
Guilt. It hung heavy over him, like a dark thunder-cloud and weighed him down. He felt slow and clumsy. He felt bad, horrible. He wanted to apologize and Kai wouldn't allow him that relief. He supposed it served him right for breaking him like that.
He wanted to cut out his own poisonous tongue. He wanted to tear his heart out and stomp on it just so he could sympathsize. He wanted to apologize.
Things would blow over and they'd still be friends, right? He didn't know. /I'm so sorry...I never meant for this to happen./
Light from the streetlamp cascaded across the floor. He glanced at the window, seeing the deepening darkness outside and realized just how long he'd been standing there. And he still hadn't figured anything out. He crawled to his cot and lay down heavily, spread-eagle, watching the ceiling. He wanted to - and needed to - apologize to Kai. Somehow, somewhere. /Just let go.....It's for your own good.../
Just To Tell You
Chapter 3: Lying From You
Yamagata stormed into the dorm, slamming the door behind him. The light fixture rocked and plaster crumbled from the ceiling. /Fucking faggot./
The scowl was set firmly on his face, although his eyes denoted internal unsettlement. /Why'd he have to do that? I-I'm...it's disgusting./
Subconciously, he scrubbed his lips with his forearm, as if trying toremove the 'affliction.' He looked at his open palm. "I can't believe he did that..."
Stupid Kai. why'd he have to go and do that - stir up all the insecurities and indescion he'd finally managed to bury?
/Stupid Kai./
He glanced about the room, looking for something to distract him, but found nothing. He growled. He didn't want to deal with this right now. He didn't want to think about this now, or ever. //Scared of the truth?//
He shook his head. "No. Not scared."
//Unsure?//
He shifted a bit, having no choice but to think about this. Kai was his friend, right? He was concerned about him, so what? It didn't mean anything. Did it? /Nah.../
It couldn't. And still, the uncertainties plagued him. Did he even want to go there? /Maybe he's crazy./
Part of him really, really hoped so, because then he could forget about this and everything could go back to normal. But would it? Kai had kissed him and the sensation still burnt on his lips, whether he wanted to forget or not. He placed a finger to his lips, then pulled it away and looked at it intently. He knew Kai wasn't insane. Some part of him knew that Kai had meant what he'd done in the sincerest of ways. That freaked him out.
Kai and him were friends, and that was it. Nothing more. Never anything more. He couldn't bring himself to admit anything else than that, not even to himself. Somewhere, sometime, something had convinced him that even thinking this was wrong.
He couldn't deny the fact he was though, the exact thing he'd freaked out on Kai for. Hell, he'd done it once or twice before and it wasn't so bad.
/This is for your own good.../
He couldn't deny himself the fact that he liked the other boy - found him attractive, liked his company. In the deep, dark corners of his mind, he'd even fathomed taking him to bed a couple times. But those were his private thoughts and he could deprive Kai of them. He wouldn't admit to Kai that he liked him; he wouldn't admit to Kai he was that way. He couldn't. Even if the other boy liked him back and had dispelled any fears of rejection. Even if Kai was upset over his rejection.
It was safer this way. It wasn't so much he was scared of what people would do when they figured it out. It was more or less the fact he knew he'd disappoint Kai, make him cry. Even if he didn't mean it. Fuck, look what he'd done already. He'd known right from the start, he was going to hurt Kai. He was too tempermental for his own good. So, he'd lied, lied to keep the distance between them, to maintain the pretense of 'friendship', even if he did want to offer Kai more. He'd lied to keep tears off that pretty face; he'd lied to save them both. //And look what you've done now...//
Either way, he was screwed; either way, Kai was hurt. Why hadn't Kai taken the hint when he'd started ignoring him with the others? Why? Was he really that blind? Or just love-sick and lonely? He'd been trying to save them both heart-break, but now, it was out of hand. Kai had come right back and kissed him and things were spiralling beyond his control. He couldn't save them now; couldn't keep tears off Kai's face.
Why wouldn't Kai just let him go? Give up on him? He'd been trying to act uninterested all this time. Had Kai known it was an act, seen right through his show? Had he known the real reason he'd tried to spend as much time with him as possible without being conspicous? He must have, or he would have never made such a bold move. It was too out of character - Kai was kind of shy. /Just let me go...it's better for you.../
Somedays, he hated Fate. She could be a cruel bitch and right now, she was spiteful and he hated her. Why had she seen it fitting to do this to them? The last thing he wanted was to hurt Kai. /I'm so sorry.../
Maybe Kai was playing games with him, trying to get him angry. He shook his head. No, Kai wouldn't do that. Guilt weighed heavy on his mind. He should apologize. But part of him was still angry, stirring a rage that made him queasy, made his heart trip faster.
He needed to apologize, to say it was okay. But it wasn't okay. //Just apologize then.//
"Leave me alone."
Click and then it was over. Yamagata blinked, trying to place what Kai had said.
'Leave me alone.' Had his words left that much of a sting? Thinking back on it, they had. And he'd meant them too. And now he was sorry. But Kai wasn't listening, was crying and grieving his heart and was angry with him.
Guilt. It hung heavy over him, like a dark thunder-cloud and weighed him down. He felt slow and clumsy. He felt bad, horrible. He wanted to apologize and Kai wouldn't allow him that relief. He supposed it served him right for breaking him like that.
He wanted to cut out his own poisonous tongue. He wanted to tear his heart out and stomp on it just so he could sympathsize. He wanted to apologize.
Things would blow over and they'd still be friends, right? He didn't know. /I'm so sorry...I never meant for this to happen./
Light from the streetlamp cascaded across the floor. He glanced at the window, seeing the deepening darkness outside and realized just how long he'd been standing there. And he still hadn't figured anything out. He crawled to his cot and lay down heavily, spread-eagle, watching the ceiling. He wanted to - and needed to - apologize to Kai. Somehow, somewhere. /Just let go.....It's for your own good.../
