(A/N: Blah. FF.Net decided to suspend my account again. I think they did it because I promised you guys a quick update. -_- Figures. I've been over-run with my exams and finally found the time to type the story up just now, only to be suspended. -_- This chapter's much longer than the last, but might also be slightly over-written. You guys can be the judge of that. ^^

Thankies for your reviews! ^O^

Tallulah: O_o;;; Perhaps I'm just not seeing how that last chappies was particularily (sp? no spell check....-_-) tragic. ^^;;;; I'm glad you like the idea of Kai being slightly unpredictable with his reactions. *pets unpredictable Kai* His suicidal side should be represented here...somewhere.....I will keep writing and I'm very glad you like the fic. ^^

sfox: Yay! Another KaixYama fan! ^O^ I'm glad you like the fic and I will keep writing. See note above about updates. And Kai ish cute! ^O^ *huggles Kai*

DarkWaterAngel: I'm very glad you like the fic. ^^ Just remember, a good fic is not determined by the amount of reviews it has. ^_~ And lookie, I updated!

On an added note, the next chappie will change the rating to "R." I'm not sure if the chapter's really worthy of it, but I don't wanna get..."caught" by ff.net again. -__- Now, on with the fic!)

Just To Tell You

Chapter 6: Breaking the Habit

What was wrong with him? Why didn't Yamagata want anything to do with him? He'd openly admitted he liked him, but-

The heat was heavy and thick, bearing down on him as he studied his reflection in the mirror. /Stupid./

The sky was dark with storm-bruised clouds, threatening rain. /Ugly./

He felt it start to bubble again, that familiar self-loathing, the hate that he burned himself with when he couldn't find anyone else to blame for all this shit. /Worthless. Nobody wants you./

And in his mind, it was true. Nobody wanted him, not his 'friends', not Yamagata. Alone. Always alone and he hated himself for it. He could have fixed it, but he was too weak and stupid. Tears of anger welled up in his eyes as his reflection stared back at him, hating him too.

He screamed and slammed his fist into the glass, letting it shatter and fall to pieces. Blood dripped from his fingers. /Ugly./

His reflection was fragmented now, much like how he felt inside. Broken. /Worthless./

Alone. Confused. He needed somebody to run to, but nobody wanted anything to do with him. Nobody wanted his tears. He looked at the blood dripping from his fingers. Blood. He was still alive. Why should he be? He was nothing. He didn't deserve to live, didn't deserve to cry, to bleed - to do anything humans did. His breath htiched as he picked the shard of glass up between his fingers.

It pricked, pierced the skin and drew more blood. Why hadn't he thought of this before? He wouldn't bother anybody anymore with his tears, his screams. Everything would be still. The churning confusion would fall silent.

Thunder clapped and he jumped. Glass stuck in his foot and it bit into his flesh. He winced and reached down, as if to pull it out. He changed his mind and slammed his foot down, driving the glass into the skin. He cried out a the hurt, then whimpered. /Stupid./

He picked up the glass he'd dropped. He studied it, watched the blood from his fingers blot it red. He reached over and wiped it against the wall, letting it leave a mark with the blood. His breath came faster. He let his hand hover over his arm, holding the glass over the skin, ready to strike. He bit back a cry when he let it bite into him, releasing the blood from his veins. Outside, the heavens opened, rain pouring into the streets below.

~*

Yamagata tugged his jacket tighter around him. The rain poured down, plastering his hair to his head. Thunder boomed and lightening flickered across the sky. Water ran down his face and the rain obscured his vision as he ran. His shoes the slapped the pavement, sending rainwater sloshing into the gutter, up the back of his pants, down his shoes. The air was still humid and stifling, but the rain was cold and he shivered.

Lightening flickered again, blinding him and then, he was there. He scurried into the sheltered stairwell, out of the sotrm. He was soaked and cold and shaking with exertion. He didn't think he'd ever run so far or so fast in his life. His breath was harsh and his legs felt like jelly. The only thing keeping him moving was the sick feeling of guilt and worry knotting in his stomach.

He clattered up the stairs. He didn't care how loud he was, who he woke up-

He stopped outside a familiar door. Taking another shaky breath, he tried the door. It swung open, revealing the messy apartment he'd stood in only a matter of hours ago and fought with-

"Kai?" he asked of the room and stepped inside, shutting the door.

The living room and kitchenette were empty. Panic began to build. What if he wasn't here? He checked the bedroom. Nothing. Where was he? Walking the streets by himself, sinking into cold misery and drowning in-

"Kai?!"

His voice was shrill and shaking , panic filtering into it no matter how hard he tried to keep it steady. He peered into the bathroom. Relief washed over him as he saw Kai, huddled on the floor. Panic returned however, when he saw the blood. It was everywhere. "Kai!"

He got down on his knees and shook the smaller boy, and was rewarded with a small groan of agony. He looked at the other boy's face. Kai opened his eyes a bit. He was pale - God, he looked so tired, so sick. His face was peaked and drawn. Even his eyes seemed washed out.

"Here," he said weakly and his voice was jaded and breaking.

He opened his hand a bit. Yamagata looked at what the younger boy was offering him. The glass was sharp and stained with blood, just like everything else. Yamagata noticed then the glass on the floor, the broken mirror.

Gritting his teeth, he tugged on the glass that had been embedded in Kai's foot and removed it. Kai howled in pain. Blood seeped out of the wound.

"Goddamn you! You're not gonna die!"

Tears ran down his cheeks. He couldn't, he wouldn't, let Kai die. He scrambled to his feet and started rooting through the cupboard. He threw everything to the floor and when at last the cupboard was empty, he had successfully found some gauze. He turned back to Kai. The boy looked worse than before. Moving back to his former position, he started winding the gauze about Kai's arms tightly.

The smaller boy winced.

"Goddamnit, you're not gonna die. You're not."

He looked up at Kai.

"Just let me go."

The voice was barely above a whisper, so tired, so weak.

"No! Goddamnit, you're not gonna die Kaisuke! You're not gonna die!"

He tied the gauze off. Having wrapped both wounds, he took the boy in his arms. "I'm not gonna let you," he whispered, then nuzzled the boy's cheek affectionately. Tears streamed down his face and his shoulders shook slightly. "I'm not gonna let you."